Quiet time,,,,,,,,

Quiet time

Quiet Time

I woke up early for a Sunday, at 7 a.m. I took an uphill bike ride and got an exercise high. I live down a sloping street and I have been wondering since the move whether or not I could make it up the streets that intersect by my house. One has a long slope and the other has a steeper shorter slope. I ended up being able to do both. A little huffy and puffy, but I did it and it felt really good. A great way to start the day. I forgot to latch the gate when I parked my bike in the back yard and the dog let himself out for a little exploring. So I followed and watched him as he trotted joyfully through the woods that back up to the end of our street. It was a pretty morning and I walked along the border of the woods, making sure I knew where he was, and then he joined me as I sat on a bench overlooking the hillside. I had seen that bench before but since it was along a back parking lot to another cluster of condos, I thought it was a private bench. But it had a little welcome sign by it so I felt invited.

After taking Charley home, I set myself up on the patio. Mornings are quiet here, and I felt like I was the only one up. I read my meditations, and sat quietly and absorbed the meaning of it all. It was awesome. I read from two books that compliment each other, and then my Emmett Fox daily reading. The first two were about harmony. And the "inner knowledge that makes the problems of life plain" and obedience, honesty, loyalty and love and basically the peace that comes from being in harmony. I felt at peace. I felt the storm blow over and the calm return. The third reading emphasized our thoughts and how important our thinking is, how our thoughts can corrupt us even before we take the action. When I do these readings, and turn my thoughts to higher principles, I am training my thinking. If I am concentrating on solutions to problems rather than the problems themselves, I am training my thinking, and my actions will get better. I believe that. And whatever effort I make in that area, especially early in my day, is rewarded generously the rest of the day. I know this through experience, years and years of it. Doing it, and reaping the benefits, and not doing, and not getting the benefits.

I have a journal I bought almost two years ago for writing only positive thoughts and recording the good things about my life. I have other journals, but this particular one is special. It reveals the brighter side of life. It also has my notes on Buddhist meditation in it from a little mini study I did at the bookstore that summer. I love it. After my meditation I took it out and read the last entry, it was last December 29th, four months exactly prior to today. Then I updated it. So much has happened. I found myself feeling so optimistic and in awe of the great things that are possible in life. And how we never really know where we are going to end up. In December I was celebrating what a wonderful holiday we had enjoyed, and summing up the good things about the year. At that time, if you would have told me that four months later I would be living where I am now I would not have believed it possible. In fact, at that point I did not have the desire to move at all. And adding my grandson to the household - I would have probably thought that would have been really really hard. But here I am, having so much improvement in our lives in the past four months. It was amazing beyond words to think of it all.

It really hit me then how astounding life really is. And faith, and doing the next right thing, and putting together wondrous things just by doing each task and putting the effort in not knowing the outcome, just believing we will be taken care of if we do what our hearts and souls tell us is the right thing to do. Taking those leaps of faith and not looking down, and not looking back. The little upward weight fluctuation that I had been hung up on seemed like nothing at all. If allowing God to work in my life in the area of finding a home, and taking care of my grandson could produce such marvelous results, so quickly, what couldn't be accomplished in the area of taking care of my body? I let go of the worries about weight and fat and food in my quiet time. It was such a relief.

I also have a meditation book called Forgiving and Moving On. Just the title says it all. I forgave myself and moved on. I went and bought some plants and did some gardening. Then some more reading, in the gardening book. We also rescued a baby bird, making a new nest and placing it near the other nest, which we could not reach. The mother even moved the other babies into the nest we built for the baby who fell. I made a nice little Sunday dinner for us, with abstinent food for me. After dinner came a hike with the kids in the most fabulous place. We went to the meditation rock as I call it. Overlooking the river. We took pictures and enjoyed.

All day long my eating has been in order. I have been obedient to my plan. And I have been drinking water non-stop. I know if I follow a few simple rules of eating, and keep up the exercise, my body will take on it's natural shape, the shape God intended it to have. The distortion from overeating will melt away, naturally.

So, a little quiet time this morning went a really long way. I am now contemplating getting up earlier in the morning on weekdays to make time for it. It is evening now and I am enjoying the patio again, reading and blogging. But the mosquitoes have arrived and I have to go in!!

PS - I am going to use the tree photo for my "during" picture. Or my "before" picture, starting today.

Am I a Morning Person?

Most of my life I considered myself a night owl. Perhaps because of the old party life, staying out late, and also because for about ten years I worked nights. My transition into daytime work only emphasized my "night owl" attitude. I hated getting up early, and I still stayed up really late every chance I got. And even now I don't want to get up as early as needed. But the kids keep telling me in the car on the way to work that I must be a morning person because I am always talking cheerfully in the car on the way to school, pointing out trees and flowers along the way, and so on. I do enjoy my weekend mornings very much. Also, I tend to like to do chores in the morning when I am fresh.

So maybe I have finally made the transition, I think it took about 17 years...hee hee. It is 9:44 a.m. and I have already unpacked some more stuff from the odds and ends boxes in my room, put away some clothes, taken my shower and made myself a very good, healthy, abstinent breakfast. I have not had any coffee yet, I am saving that indulgence for when I meet my buddy from Hawaii. Weekend mornings are great for quiet time, too. The kids sleep in a little. There is no rush to get ready for work/school, so I can take some time to read, relax, and get my spiritual house in order, too.

I think the kids got the morning person idea from a TV commercial, but I am going to take it as a compliment, and an optimistic observation. I feel optimistic this morning. Even though I still feel that icky bloat, I am feeling like my food plan will eventually take care of it. It may take a few days to feel stable again, but I can get there. So for the rest of my morning I am going to make a written food plan, read some meditations, have some quiet time, and lay a foundation for a healthy day.

Fading Funk

I must be getting better. I am going to count my blessings for the day to make the better feelings grow. Let's see, I went to work, always a miracle, and I actually sat at my desk and did productive work after sitting through a meeting about how much more work we are going to have in addition to what we already do. I need to get some groovy new clothes since I am going to be going to more meetings and have more visibility in the company for a while. I kind of like the idea. I did not eat uncontrollably today. In fact I did pretty good. I had a very good doctor visit with my grandson and his pediatrician. He had lost twenty pounds and is at a normal weight. So living with me helps other people lose weight, not a bad thing... Then I had a very productive evening. I grocery shopped, and stocked up. I cleaned the interior of the car. I did a load of laundry, a load of dishes, and vacuumed the lower level. And, best of all, took the dog and my grandson on a brisk, hilly walk.

I feel good having had a productive day both at work and at home. I feel like I am taking care of things and that I am taking care of myself, too. Tomorrow I visit a friend of mine who moved to Hawaii for a few years when she retired. I really like her, and she was a good friend at work, and I missed her when she left. I am looking forward to that.

I am still having bad interactions with my reflection. Even though when I went shopping yesterday all the size 12 pants I tried on fit, or were a little loose, so I know I am smaller than I used to be, but when I see myself I see all the fat. My stomach seems bigger, and most likely is since I gained four pounds. But I know I am exaggerating my image of myself. I know there is something weird going on there. So I am trying not to focus on it, keep exercising, and wait for better days to come. Maybe I need this experience to push me back into sticking with a plan and really losing more weight. It is dawning on me that I was getting content at the mid 170's - and complacent, and in reality I have not been doing what I did when I was losing.

So, if I focus on the problem the problem will get bigger and if I focus on the solution, the solution will get bigger. For me the solution is a healthy food plan, measuring portions and tracking intake, daily exercise, daily meditation and prayer, helping other people, and letting others help me.

I am happy this evening. And more optimistic than I have been all week. So the Funk is fading for now.

The Funk Drags On

Tonight was the classic funky, bad, overeater depression from my past. I went shopping, thinking that picking up a few tops would make me feel better. It was more than I could handle really. The department store felt cramped, and actually it was, they had the racks arranged way too close together. But that closed in, bumping into things feeling is also a feeling of being too big to navigate the small spaces. I usually love this particular store but I found it impossible to find the kind of clothes I recall getting there in the past. Good clothes for work were always there, but not tonight. And the feeling of not finding things was overwhelming, too. But I calmly stuck with it, and did not freak, I just felt on the verge of freaking. So I guess being on the verge is better. Progress, not perfection, right?

I did witness a "standoff" between the plus department and the skinny clothes. It was funny. I was looking for the misses stuff, and I found myself passing the plus, and admiring a pink sweater, but also reminding myself that I am just below plus now. So I then looked across the aisle and there, facing the pink sweatered plus manikin was a row of skimpy clad skinny ones, and there I was, in between. The scene was a true representation of where I am today with my body, in between the plus and the skinny, but closer to the plus, comfortable looking at the plus, but intimidated by the skimpy. It was something to see, the facing off of the two sides. It pissed me off a bit, having that skinny stuff in the face of the plus section. Antogonists. Harrassment.

I felt my feet swelling while shopping and my brain felt like it was being pinched. I associate that feeling with PMS but it is also a feeling of water retention. It is a bad place to be. And the bloat has been steady all evening. I feel like a tire being pumped beyond the inflation limits. I got out of the store with several tops, and even a couple for my daughter. I even consented to getting a charge card there and saved ten percent. I made it through the whole application process and went on my way. I know it was just a shopping trip, but at a time when I feel the way I feel, it was a major effort, and looking back, all things considered it actually went well. I stopped and got a huge bottle of water and drank the entire thing, responding to the swelling body message. I found myself hating my reflection in the mirror and avoiding it. It has been a long time since I felt this huge, and I then I remembered. I used to feel like this all the time. And that gave me a new attitude.

I know I am going through something here. And it feels dangerous at times, but I am going to listen to it, and take care of myself as best I can. I did laundry, I assembled the birdie high rise (the big cage) for the birds to move back into. I kept on doing what needed to be done in spite of the creeping feeling of self loathing bloat. I am going to drink another huge dose of water before I go to bed, even if it means getting up in the night to go to the bathroom. I need to cleanse something out of me with pure water. I need to flush this feeling away. I am going to remind myself that this is going to pass. I am not going to regain all the weight. I may fluctuate up a bit but I am going back down. And I am not giving up.

I have been giving myself many pep talks. It seems to me sometimes that is all I do. Getting a better inner dialoge has taken a long time for me. And it is part of my recovery from depression. Good thing I saw my old therapist and have another appointment for Monday. Maybe tonight is the peak of this funky stuff. Maybe it will be uphill from here. I am going to think that just because it makes me feel better for today.

Staving Off Depression

I feel like I am struggling to stay out of a full blown depression. The feeling hit last week, and I thought it might be in response to the tragedy last Monday. But this week I am really tired, all the time, and struggling to focus on my job. In spite of it I have made sure to exercise each day for the past five days, no matter what. I have walked, and even had my first trip to the gym since reactivating my membership. Maybe it is not depression, could be allergies, or a number of things, but it feels like it, and that is always a little scary. The scary part is when I feel like not doing anything, and that is the part I have to make a big effort to overcome.

So I do things in spite of the feeling. I get out of bed when I would rather stay in. I go to work when I would rather call in. I take a walk when I would rather just stay on the couch and watch TV and eat. I believe the feeling will pass. And I believe that if I take some extra steps now, I can help lessen the negative impact. And maybe avoid a downward spiral. But it is scary because I have lived in this funk before and it is not a good place to be. It can be devastating to my progress, too.

I have noticed over the years that I get this in the Spring. The reason I remember is because I always think it odd to have depression at such a lovely time of year. Last Spring I quit going to the gym and never got back into my routine of regular workouts. I recall other Springs when I sought professional help, and one spring when I planted a flower garden to concentrate on to help my mood. I have even thought that the allergies and sinus troubles I get could make me feel depressed. Who knows, but one thing I want to make sure of is that I do everything to avoid sinking into the abyss.

I did some exercises this morning before I got ready for work. And tonight the dog and I have a date for a nice long walk. Last night I did not clean up the kitchen, and that depresses me, so I want to make sure I tidy it tonight. Waking up to a clean kitchen has a positive psychological impact on me, and waking up to a messy one, well, has the opposite effect. I will enlist the kids to help out. I refuse to be defeated.

Delicious Morning

I have decided to use adjectives traditionally used for food to describe activity. As I see how enjoyable certain pass times are, and how they can replace food for enjoyment, I want to describe them like I would describe something edible. This morning was delicious really. I started it out with a spicy walk peppered with aerobic hills and a fast paced step. Then I settled into a smooth, creamy reading session on the back patio reclining on a lounge chair. After that I had a long juicy gardening session filled with planting, watering, arranging and designing. It was a satisfying morning indeed.

As for my meals I had oatmeal and berries with my coffee. Then some ground turkey breast. I have yet to make my lunch which will be a big salad with lean protein. It is a sunny, warm, Spring day. I am analyzing my gardening space to see what kind of sunlight I get. I paged through a gardening book I bought last week when I had my reading session. I am getting ideas. I love gardening more than food. I love discovering all the little plants that are already in my yard. I found mint growing in a back corner. I thought it was a weed but smelled its fragrance when I pulled some of it up. I have many shrubs. It is fun to explore it all. The space is not too big, but not too small. In fact, it is just right.

My grandson and I will be going to visit his father today. We are going out of town. So I wanted to get my blogging in early in case I don't get back until late. I am bringing some food. I want so much to start losing weight again but more than anything I need to stabilize myself. Yesterday I felt I was going through classic withdrawal symptoms in the afternoon. I really had been pumping sugar more than I realized, for longer than I care to admit. A little here, a little there, and then big doses eventually. It just sneaks its way in and takes over along with those starchy things. So I am finding things to enjoy today that give me a good feeling to take the place of the sugar highs and Carb rushes.

My dog walks are most enjoyable right now. The weather being perfect, and the scenery so nice. Plus the dog really likes it, too. I will get the bike out soon, but then doggie gets left out. Maybe I can talk my daughter into walking Charlie while I bike some of the time. Well enough about future ideas, today the present is fabulous.

Evening Walks

I took two walks this evening with the dog. It was a perfect Spring evening. A blue sky, a cool, slight breeze, and trees everywhere. My first walk was when it was still light out and I could see how pretty the neighborhood is. I explored a bit, and walked some hills. It was brisk and good exercise. The second walk was after dark, and it looked even prettier with the street lamps lit, but not too bright. It looked more wooded in the dark, and scenic. I feel like I am on vacation here, being so new to the area. Sight seeing in my own territory. I walked down into the "luxury" homes. They are pretty, but they did not have many trees and the yards were teeny tiny. Those are new, and that seems to be the trend, big house, teeny tiny yard with no trees. I enjoyed looking at the masonry and architecture, but I preferred the older development with the mature trees and bushes. Pretty homes nestled into woodsy lots.

After I got home from the second walk I took Charlie (the dog) out in the back and reclined in a lounge chair on the patio. My next door neighbor has a waterfall or fountain in her patio area and I can hear it at night. It is very relaxing. An owl flew over and sat on top of the roof of a nearby building and I could see it over the privacy fence. At first I could not believe my eyes, but it was most definitely an owl. In the dark it looked like a cat sitting on the roof, but it had wings and flew off. I really liked seeing it. More indications of woods and nature.

I am sleepy now from the exercise and fresh air. I am so glad I am out walking again. My ankle is doing very well so I keep increasing my distance. I even feel a little sore. I also took a quick walk at work on a break for about 15 minutes today. Knock on wood, I am exercising again. Put that together with a stable meal plan, and who knows? I may make a breakthrough here soon. But for this evening I am content with the afterglow of the evening walk.

I can do it, and it's Friday

My meal plan yesterday was great. It felt stable and safe to eat like that. Secure. Knowing that the food I was eating was not going to do me harm, in fact, it was nourishing me. I come from a past of doing dangerous things. Dangerous drugs in my youth and twenties, dangerous amounts of drinking, dangerous people I associated with, dangerous financial habits, and so on. Living on the edge. Food may be my last frontier with the dangerous behavior. Living on the edge with a little sugar here and there, pushing the calories to see how much I can get away with before I start gaining. It feels scary, though, like the drinking and drugging because I know the health risks of obesity. The older I get the more real those threats appear to me.

Living on the edge with my health no longer appeals to me. If I want to push limits, I can exercise and find a sport or physical challenge. I crave safety and security today more than anything. And a sober meal plan gives me that feeling of safety. It also gives me a feeling of self trust. I was always my worst enemy. No matter who I could blame for what, at least in my adult life, I could trace things back to my decisions that got me in situations. So it really comes down to me and me. I want to be trustworthy to me, and treat my body, and my mind in a way that nurtures and grows good things. Many of us did not get proper nurturing when we grew up, for a variety of reasons. That is why I believe it is so crucial for us to learn to nurture ourselves. Often we are really good at taking care of others, but we mysteriously neglect our own needs.

Eating right is a way of making amends to myself for my past. Food is one of the final manifestations of my self-abuse. It may not be easy for me to put this into words, but I punish myself subconsciously for things I feel guilty about. And at times I do not feel I deserve to be happy, healthy, and prosperous. I want so much now to heal in the area of food. I no longer abuse alcohol and drugs, in fact it has been over 18 years since I quit doing that. But there were many years of unhealthy relationships with men that followed, and I have been able to cease that lifestyle as well. So, here I am with food. Taking my stand against my own "old self", the punishing, neglectful, sometimes scary self. And telling that old self that it is okay, I forgive her, and now I want to take care of her.

So I am having my toasted oats and berries this morning as a gesture of forgiveness and as a truce. Making peace with the past and healing the old self inflicted hurts.

Going Abstinent, Can I do it???

This morning I made a comitment to eating abstinent. What that means for me is measuring my portions and eating certain types of foods. I have done it before, and it works well for me. I want to think of it not as restrictive but as a choice or a series of choices that I want to make for a higher purpose. If I focus on what I "can't" eat, it gets negative, and feels like a temporary restriction. If I focus on the really great foods that I am choosing to eat, then it is a positive life change that I am making on a meal by meal basis. Anyway, I am going with that today. I like to think positive.

It is also my way of "changing the things I can" in a world where there are many things I cannot change that disturb me. This of course has been a disturbing week in the news. And I get depression after a major traumatic event. I had panic and anxeity after 9/11 and today I just have that down feeling. A pretty significant one at that. So I want to be sure I focus on the positive changes I can make in my life, to balance out the sadness of what cannot be changed.

Abstient eating is a glorious thing for me. I know what is "abstinent" for me may not qualify as "abstinent" for others, but I try to do a healthy trigger-free, normal portion meal plan with the food groups represented. One meal at a time. I had toasted whole oats, lowfat milk and grapefruit for breakfast. It is mid morning and I am hoping that, one meal at a time, (I keep throwing that in) I can do this today. I need a high protien lunch and I have yet to determine what that will be given what is in the house. I am working from home and must report to my boss what I accomplish today so there is not a grocery store break in the making. The best I can determine is an egg dish, with some part skim cheese and that actually sounds great in fact. So I am prepared for that. I also have my old favorite snack, nut butter boats as they are called on South Beach. And by dinner time I will be able to go out and get some lean meat to prepare.

So can I do this? Yes I can. Now, how about exercise? That walk to Swan Lake, that I did not make yesterday, I will make today. And, Tae Bo Billy sent me some new stuff, with a bar to do his Amped workout, so I will check that out. I am making a commitment to it right now.

This is the day I begin my new program. I will report back later.

Pictures

I wanted to take "before" pictures of myself for my new phase in weightloss. It was not pleasant. I felt I looked frumpier and fatter than when I was heavier. Today is not a day to take pictures. I updated my face picture, though, since that one was from 2004 or 2005 - I can't be sure. I even tried a picture of my feet, but I did not like that either.

I am convinced for the moment that my lack of working out has impacted my mass in such a way that even if I have lost weight, my mass may not be much smaller because muscle takes up less room. So if I was heavier, but had more muscle, and now I am lighter but have more fat, I could be just as fat. Boy, see what our brains do to us? All this thinking. If I just drink a bunch of water and work out regularly for a couple of days I will feel okay. I am ignoring my thoughts about mass for the rest of the day.

I wanted to hold some of my pep talk thoughts from yesterday so I put them in my profile description. I want to hang on to that thinking. That positive thinking. It's all about the thinking today. Reading Daisy's post inspired me to take stock of what I do each day for my recovery from overeating and all the other stuff I recover from for that matter. A simple inventory at intervals of the day to see what I am doing.

So, with that, what have I done today? I had healthy meals that I planned for breakfast and lunch. I did not divert. And I had raw veggies at lunch. I got up on time and had some quiet time, and some relaxation before leaving for work. I watered and fed the flowers outside. I shared it with my grandson, too. I prayed. I read blogs, and commented on blogs. I blogged.
I did my job when I was at work.

It is four thirty in the afternoon. I have a little more work to do for my job. I will do that, and then fix us dinner. I am going to bake myself a sweet potato while I am still working, and thaw some fish so I can have an abstinent meal. I have a plan for dinner. It is a chilly, crisp, sunny spring day and I want to take a walk to that pretty pond/lake with the fountain and swans. I will take the dog, and any kid that wants to go.

That's as far as I can think for now. Each day has a promise of progress so long as I hand it over to the good in the world and to a loving power greater than me.

Periods

I am convinced now that I lost weight easier when my periods went away. My insatiable grazing feeling for a week was followed up with, yes, you know it, a period. Since I had months without, and was getting used to not having them, it is pissing me off. I forgot about the eating and then losing what I gained from eating only to meet up with PMS week again, the whole syndrome I so long endured. I am determined not to let these periods overpower me. I have enough challenges. When I had one during the big move, I just ignored it. I had no time to even think much of it except for how ridiculous was the timing. I mean, really, none for months and then right in time for moving day.

I just need to respond to cravings with the alternative foods that don't produce weight gain and remorse. I did that some of the time this past week. But certainly not all of the time. But some of the time is better than none of the time, I suppose. I am trying so much to look on the bright side. I was gripped with fear this morning that all the weight was going to come glopping back on overnight and the weight loss was over, and so on. It is not going to come back on, not all of it. Maybe my two to four pound fluctuation, but not all of it.

I believe I can do this, still. No matter what. I believe I can continue on with my weight loss no matter what. I need a push, though, a new phase, a grand opening of another period of loss. So let's get a new meaning for the word period for me today. I am starting a new period of weight reduction, my spring phase. I lost in the summer, I was up and down in the fall, I lost in the winter and then stood still. Spring is here, and I am moving on. I know I keep saying this, but I have to keep giving myself these pep talks. Attitude is crucial for me. I can dive into despair in the drop of a hat.

So here it is, a beautiful April day. A yard for gardening waiting for me at home, with plants galore that are sitting in pots, ready to be sculpted into a beautiful place to enjoy. A full service gym with a pool, sauna and steam room is waiting for me to show up and indulge. Last night I gave myself a facial and took a long bubble bath. There are so many ways to feel good. I have books to devour or savor waiting for me on the coffee table and in the library upstairs. It is all time to spend enjoying things other than food.

I have my slow cooker and new recipes. And a kitchen inviting to food preparation and storage. My neighborhood has a beautiful pond with a fountain and swans - I can take walks there. It is waiting to be explored, hiked and biked. There is the Katy trail, a long river trail waiting for us to bike or walk. It is all glorious and healthy. I also have a bass guitar and amplifier waiting for me to learn to play. And a clarinet, drums, acoustic guitar, and rock electric guitar, all waiting to be played. We can express ourselves in so many ways.

My years of burying myself alive with food are over. Sure, I may have a couch potato evening here and there. But it is not my life, my prison, my captor. I am living again now. I have an excitement for life. I have ways to meet every challenge I have, and yes, I have many challenges. We all do. No one has the perfect life. But there are ways to meet calamity with sanity. Sorrow, grief, anger, outrage, all of these can be expressed in ways that do not involve self deprecation and self defeat. I believe that in my heart and soul today and I will advocate for it the rest of my life.

So I have had many periods in my life. Many phases. They all had their place. I look forward to the one ahead of me now. I feel the richness of experience and the expectation of adventure. I am looking inward and outward for the good in myself and life. I want to use all of my strengths and share my accomplishments with others. I want to live my life to the fullest today.

I love Friday

I am better today. One thing I did yesterday was make MYSELF an appointment with my therapist I used for a year or so who really helped me. I stopped seeing her a little over a year ago. I decided even if it is expensive, it is well worth it. I got an earlier next appointment for my grandson and his psychologist, too.

My eating was so much better yesterday. Here is what I did to respond to the evening munchies - I made extra salad, and some tuna salad. And I let myself eat more, but more of the good foods, I had yogurt and berries, and I had the salad with the tuna salad over it. I ate until I was satisfied. I had this after having dinner with the kids. In my grazing mode, in the hearth room, watching an old movie on TV. I did not have to feel any remorse about it, and I got over the urge to keep on eating. I did find my self looking for sugar in the house and wanting sweets so I had some chunks of pineapple in its natural juices. It worked, and I am really happy about that.

On to today I have healthy stuff packed. I am prepared. My grandson and I have been talking about the things that make him sad, which go beyond the grandmother dying. I had a talk with a good friend who is a therapist and she suggested I offer hugs and comfort, let him know how I wish I could fix it all and if I could I would, and then just comfort him. I tend to feel I need to fix all these things, make it go away or show him some magical way to deal with it. It was a relief to hear her remind me that I cannot fix it, and some of my stress comes from thinking I am responsible for fixing the unfixable. These feelings led me to overeat in the past. And the new me does not want to eat over these feelings and even better, the new me wants to live free of the burden of feeling like I am responsible for fixing them.

I really appreciate the helpful comments from my post yesterday. They were such a help. They eased the burden I was carrying and I had a much better day. The comments put me at ease, and really changed my mood for the better. I feel calm today, and I am living in the solution. I have a therapist appointment to look forward to on Monday. And I have a weekend ahead of me to enjoy. My sister and her family are in from California and are coming to our new place for Sunday brunch. I am looking forward to it. Since the new couch arrives tomorrow we will have the lower level fully functional for company.

Last night I did some unpacking work in my room. It was an overwhelming as I got into the hodge podge of stuff thrown into the last minute bags and boxes. I was looking for the plugs to these decorative lamps in my living room. But they were nowhere to be found. I am sure they will pop up somewhere but I wanted the pretty lamps for company. I did reduce the amount of boxes and my room looks spacious again. There are still boxes and piles of clothes but less than before so there was progress. I am glad I did it but at the time it was quite a chore. I enlisted the kids for a little of it. I told them it was family time. Family time is usually game playing but I introduced the concept that family time can also be working together on a project. They were not impressed.

My job even seems manageable today. And it is the same job with the same huge workload as yesterday. I do not feel guilty about being behind on things. And I feel capable of doing them. What a difference a few kind supportive words can make.

Happy Friday!!!

Having problems Posting - Overwhelmed on a Blue Thursday

I am having trouble getting my posts to show up on my blog. Here is what I wrote today, I hope it shows up..

I may have been nibbling celery on Easter Sunday, but I have more than made up for it in the days past. I have had uncontrollable grazing syndrome in the evenings again. It is depressing me. But more depressing than that, last night I dreamed our two parakeets were dying. This morning I got up and checked the birds and our favorite, Sparky, had died. Haley bought him with her birthday money on her tenth birthday, so we have had him three and a half years. His mate Nora, was not the friendly one, he was. He was a real character. On top of the sadness of the bird dying, I have a ton of guilt. Guilt that I did not take care of the birds good enough since we moved, that I neglected to re-cage them and on and on. Then it expands to guilt that I have too much to take care of and I am not capable of taking care of all of it. I feel really down this morning. The pet death and the hangover of too much food in the past three days is just too much to bear.

I have to work now... That's another thing I have not been getting to like I should. I had two appointments for my daughter yesterday during the day, doctor and orthodontist. That and buying a couch finally, consumed much of the day. I am behind in my work tremendously, and my attention span is just not there.I need some relief, this weekend I hope. the couch comes Saturday. Maybe I will plant myself there and drink ice water and eat celery, right? I did take the dog on a walk last night, since my ankle seems to be doing well I thought I'd manage it, and I did. I should count my blessings but right now I feel like I don't have time....silly, right? I have a meeting in ten minutes and I don't know where it is....but I do have lots to be thankful for. But right now I am overwhelmed.

One more thing real fast, I am seeing a definite pattern of self sabotage - I move, I love where I live, things are going good, I eat.....it is as if I have to mess things up in some area or something....I am going to be looking at this behavior and asking myself why I would want to do that..what do I get out of it????

Nibbling Celery on Easter Sunday

It is four thirty in the afternoon on Easter Sunday. I celebrated this day by putting together my hearth area. I have moved all the boxes and bags out and put up the futon love seat across from the hearth. There is a small TV on a rolling walnut stand that can be watched while cooking or watched sitting on the futon. It does not take up much space and is not the focal point of the room, very unimposing. I hung a picture. This room is basically finished, and I am enjoying it today.

I strained my back moving a file cabinet upstairs, or maybe moving the futon mattress. Who knows. I have to be careful now, and do my stretches, and rest. I am pleased that I finished this room this weekend. Next weekend I can devote to my room. It holds the remaining bags and boxes that have not been unpacked. I am nibbling celery. I have not been interested in the candy, but I did make baskets for the kids. Food has not been the focus. In fact, I made a little brunch for us and the kids were not that interested (maybe because they have been nibbling candy, right?). I have a casserole in the fridge to pop in the oven for dinner, and I have salad and raw vegetables ready as well. I will steam some broccoli and cauliflower to have with the casserole. But no one is asking for food so we will eat later.

I feel good. No compulsion to eat. Just enjoying my celery, for now, and then looking forward to a big salad when I do get hungry. The weekend has been busy but good. I am glad I am able to take some time to just rest. I am not troubling myself to accomplish anything else. I keep getting up and cooking, washing dishes, cleaning cat boxes, but then I remind myself to rest.

I wanted a restful Easter. I decided not to have any company. The kids are not interested in doing anything either. We are having a peaceful day. We are going to watch a movie together later, after we have dinner. For now we are each doing our own thing. I felt like we should have a family day and spend time together, but as it has worked out, everyone is tired and not up to much activity. And I accepted that.

Tomorrow morning I weigh in. I will record it and move on. I want to start losing again, and I am now making the effort to do so. The effort of being prepared and devoting time to exercise, planning and food preparation. I did not make it to the gym yesterday, we got back too late from our trip. But I will get there this week. I feel like I got a workout this morning and last night with all the carrying things upstairs and so on. And I walked endlessly around the mall in the evening while my daughter shopped for two hours or more.

Here's to a peaceful afternoon. Peace to all.

Nibbling Celery on Easter Sunday

It is four thirty in the afternoon on Easter Sunday. I celebrated this day by putting together my hearth area. I have moved all the boxes and bags out and put up the futon love seat across from the hearth. There is a small TV on a rolling walnut stand that can be watched while cooking or watched sitting on the futon. It does not take up much space and is not the focal point of the room, very unimposing. I hung a picture. This room is basically finished, and I am enjoying it today.

I strained my back moving a file cabinet upstairs, or maybe moving the futon mattress. Who knows. I have to be careful now, and do my stretches, and rest. I am pleased that I finished this room this weekend. Next weekend I can devote to my room. It holds the remaining bags and boxes that have not been unpacked. I am nibbling celery. I have not been interested in the candy, but I did make baskets for the kids. Food has not been the focus. In fact, I made a little brunch for us and the kids were not that interested (maybe because they have been nibbling candy, right?). I have a casserole in the fridge to pop in the oven for dinner, and I have salad and raw vegetables ready as well. I will steam some broccoli and cauliflower to have with the casserole. But no one is asking for food so we will eat later.

I feel good. No compulsion to eat. Just enjoying my celery, for now, and then looking forward to a big salad when I do get hungry. The weekend has been busy but good. I am glad I am able to take some time to just rest. I am not troubling myself to accomplish anything else. I keep getting up and cooking, washing dishes, cleaning cat boxes, but then I remind myself to rest.

I wanted a restful Easter. I decided not to have any company. The kids are not interested in doing anything either. We are having a peaceful day. We are going to watch a movie together later, after we have dinner. For now we are each doing our own thing. I felt like we should have a family day and spend time together, but as it has worked out, everyone is tired and not up to much activity. And I accepted that.

Tomorrow morning I weigh in. I will record it and move on. I want to start losing again, and I am now making the effort to do so. The effort of being prepared and devoting time to exercise, planning and food preparation. I did not make it to the gym yesterday, we got back too late from our trip. But I will get there this week. I feel like I got a workout this morning and last night with all the carrying things upstairs and so on. And I walked endlessly around the mall in the evening while my daughter shopped for two hours or more.

Here's to a peaceful afternoon. Peace to all.

Yesterday was a much better day. So much better that it increased my motivation for today, and my confidence. I grocery shopped after work and got some supplies so that my dinner could be healthy. Otherwise I would have been eating plain tuna from a can while the kids had fried chicken. I doubt I make grocery shopping after work a practice, though because it takes a long time and I believe I should be rested before going. I am trying to shop only once a week, and stock up. This practice proves to keep spending, and eating down. But the weekly shopping is a bigger chore, and I find that I really do not enjoy it at all, unless I do it early in the morning on a day off. I am thinking I may try it later in the evening on a week night to avoid having to do it on a weekend. I am shooting for Thursdays.

My morning exercise program is going well. I exercise in front of the mirror. I can see the body parts that have improved, and the areas that need work. It is helpful to have the mirrors, now that I am past the initial shock of seeing so much all at once. I can see areas that are smaller now. I was calculating an estimate of the amount of pounds of body fat left to move, by using a mental picture of what five pounds of fat looks like (from a plastic model we had at work for a special program once) and comparing to certain areas. I estimated about twenty. It was just a mental exercise to do while I did my physical exercises.

My ankle is getting better and I am at the point where I need to exercise it. I also think I could do some bike riding this weekend if I have time. I may get my grandson to go with me around the neighborhood. Since I injured myself the day we moved, I have not even gone for any walks, or taken the dog walking. I am looking forward to that, but wanting to take care of the ankle. I also hope to somehow visit the gym this weekend since I reactivated the Bally's membership and need to go get my card made and take advantage of the program I paid for. I am looking forward to it. This weekend has a holiday, and we are traveling out of town on a day trip Saturday, so I may not be able to swing it, but I will try. Nonetheless, I will still do my daily routine.

Today I am still focusing on flushing out the toxins consumed in the Passover treats. Water water water. I have also increased my fiber the past week which is doing wonders for my sluggish system. I hope to feel "abstinent" soon, and stick to a toxin free plan. My "toxins" may differ from other people's toxins, but the important thing is that I know them. They are the foods I don't need to eat, foods that make me want more food, and foods that block my weight loss and contribute to weight gain. I need a trip to my produce store, even though it is far away I have not found replacement for it in my new neighborhood. I am thinking this evening after work I can go there because I have to pick up my vacuum cleaner from the repair shop in the old neighborhood. I want a big box of vegetables. I bought a supply of frozen ones last night, but need fresh lettuce and fruits and other goodies.

That's my report. I am thinking of having my official weigh in on Mondays now. I have thought of this before, but never really started it. So this Monday I will record my weight and see where I am in this new phase of weight loss. I hope the Monday weigh in will motivate me to keep my weekends in order where food is concerned.

Happy Friday!!!

No Sugar Today

I am ready for today. I was ready physically for yesterday, with my food packed, but the snare of passover treats took me by surprise. Not today. The bloat of yesterday is a reminder. I have imposed a no sugar rule. I have my good food packed and ready to eat. I have a big container of ice water next to me. And I am also mentally prepared, emotionally prepared, and spiritually prepared. Mentally, I have acknowledged the mistakes of yesterday do not have to spill into today, and I have a plan to avoid looking at the goodies should they still be near the printer. I have a plan to even use other printers should the goodies prove to be a distraction. I have a "just say no" plan in place. Emotionally I feel stable, no beating myself up, no wallowing in self loathing or pity. I am forgiven. I feel balanced, just still a little tired. I have a plan to identify and deal with feelings that crop up, by using a journal or mentally processing them promptly. Spiritually, I have put my eating in the hands of my creator, and given thanks for my life today.

I feel good. Even though I am tired, I feel good about life. I covered my flowers last night to protect them from the cold. I brought the containers in. I love growing flowers and all the little tasks that go along with it. I went to a support group meeting last night, too, the first one in my new area. I got to bed at a decent hour, did my budget, paid bills and planned ahead. That always gives me a feeling of stability. When I don't know where I stand financially, I can either become a spendthrift with that edgy feeling of anxiety, or I can worry too much and project the worst case scenario. It is better to stay in reality. I did my exercises this morning. My body is still sore, but it is a nice reminder that I am working out again.

Overall, I feel optimistic and excited about my entire situation. My job classification at work changed as a result of a company wide initiative. It changed in a good way for me, so I get an additional week of vacation and I was placed at the high end of my classification. So any worries about that are at rest now. My trips that were supposed to be in April were magically postponed until July, a much better time for me. The kids are both liking the new school and we are getting into a good morning routine. I feel so stable right now. Everything is taken care of that needs to be taken care of for the moment.

The lawyer who brought passover treats yesterday just popped by to say she brought even more today. Not to worry, my tummy tells me it has had enough. She listed them all proudly and I want her to be proud and happy of the talents of her husband, but I don't have to eat them to make her feel good. I can compliment them without eating them. I will not destroy myself with the goodies today. I want progress. Not regression.

So here is to a better day today. And being prepared emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Woe

It is only 9:32 and I have had a run in with passover treats brought in by one of the lawyers who is married to a man who runs a deli and makes the most delicious foods. It was matzo covered with chocolate, walnuts and a thin layer of toffee. I know it was wrong but I had some. It was the tastiest thing I have eaten in a very long time. I wish I could say it tasted bad, but it did not. But my stomach feels icky now.

I need to start the day over. I have had a huge appetite for the past couple of days. I guess I will just drink lots of water and eat right the rest of the day. The trouble is, the big plate of that stuff is out there still, and most likely will be all day. I will have to walk around it. I have had more than enough. I can try and enjoy the sugar chocolate high and get over it. I brought my berries and cottage cheese and a grapefruit. I had my toasted oats.

I want so much to get back on track. I have been exercising and that is good, but the increased appetite has thrown me off a bit. Or maybe I am just noticing what I eat now that I am not so consumed with the moving tasks and I can pay attention again. Whatever it is, I have to intervene and get on track....Help!!!

Toasted Oats and Ab Crunches

I toasted some whole oats for variety this morning. I mixed them with frozen berries and let the berries thaw a little and put about a fourth cup of low fat milk over them. It is a nice change. This is my second morning of my morning exercise routine. I felt better yesterday all day as a result of the morning workout. I am working on abs. One nice byproduct of losing the weight is that I can touch my elbows to my knees easily now. I cannot recall being able to do that in my Pre weight loss state. It feels good.

I have yet to get out the yoga video. That will be an evening routine perhaps to relax from the day. The evening was too busy last night with putting my grandson's desk together and setting up his computer, hauling an old desk back down the stairs, shopping for school supplies, and a tiny bit of unpacking. But I am determined to squeeze something in tonight. I am not walking or bike riding yet. I have to ice up the ankle when I get home from work to get the swelling down, and any additional walking, standing, etc. has to wait.

I am determined to get moving on my next hunk of weight loss. I feel optimistic. And the great thing is that it is Spring, and the season of shorts and sleeveless tops does not freak me out, I am looking forward to it. I am working on my arms. Arms tone up fairly quickly if I do regular weights. I have ten pound hand weights at home that do nicely. And when I add the gym that should take care of the arms. Other body parts are more challenging. I will do the best I can and accept the rest.

Happy Tuesday!!! I am off to water flowers.

Revival

I am ready to revive my weight loss efforts. I go back to work tomorrow and back to a more structured schedule. Both kids will be in school again. I am ready to focus on sticking with a plan everyday for my meals. And to devote some time each day to exercise. With my sprained ankle I will have to be careful. But there are plenty of exercises I can do that do not involve standing or putting weight on my foot. Aerobics will be tricky. But not impossible.

I would love suggestions of any kind.

I have been getting more sleep at night. Today I felt close to normal but very tired when evening came. I did some gardening in spite of feeling tired. I have had very little sitting down time lately. Exercise has been taking place naturally with the move, and related tasks. But rest has been the bigger challenge. Now that the major tasks are complete, I need to make sure I begin an exercise routine. I am axious to get back to weights, and also interested in yoga and pilates. I have yoga videos but no pilates video, just a book. I plan to start tomorrow with a morning exercise session to get the day started off right.

I have a plan for my food tomorrow as well. And food on hand to execute my plan. It feels good to be ready.

I will report back tomorrow.