The Difference
It's Saturday evening and I am in my chair. The window is open and the evening is cool. I feel safe and secure and relaxed. I have had this undercurrent of low grade depression and that feeling of not wanting to show up for stuff, or leave the house. But the difference is that I know it is just a feeling, and I go ahead and do my stuff anyway. Like work. I went all week. I went the week I was sick. And my Saturday morning group. I did not want to go. Not because I did not want to see them, but more because I did not want them to see me. Sometimes I feel that way, but now I go anyway. And I am always glad when I do.
I went to see my son today for the first time in two months I think. We talked about fitness. He does hundreds of push ups a day in his prison cell. He has lots of time on his hands. He told me of some variations he does on the push ups. He also does squats and abdominal stuff. I think he has been exercising three hours a day. I am so glad he does this. I believe it keeps him sane in a very insane environment. It keeps his self respect and probably helps him stay out of depression. I asked him if he wanted me to send him some Yoga postures and he surprised me and said yes. I have been suggesting Yoga for years. Seeing him today really lifted my spirits and inspired me.
I was inspired to do more exercising at home in my room. Mornings I do a little but now I want to increase. I am not sure I will be able to pull of fthe navy seal push up but I can start trying. I want to focus on tone. I agree with what Vickie was describing, that our bodies may weigh more but actually look smaller because of the whole muscle verses fat deal. Plus, for me, exercise feels good. It gives me a feeling of competence.
I am marveling at the difference in me. I made it two weeks since that icky Weed episode and a significant illness, and instead of hiding out, I continued to participate in life. I have been very present for the kids, my job, and my other relationships and activities. And, even though I have been feeling "fat" I have stayed tuned in to what I am eating. Reality. It is not so bad actually.
I like what Vickie said, "gently bundle it up and blow it away" - that's what I am doing with the negative thoughts. They are not me. They are remnants of the past. They are not real at all. They are not me. There is a very new me here today. I'm still getting to know her.
I went to see my son today for the first time in two months I think. We talked about fitness. He does hundreds of push ups a day in his prison cell. He has lots of time on his hands. He told me of some variations he does on the push ups. He also does squats and abdominal stuff. I think he has been exercising three hours a day. I am so glad he does this. I believe it keeps him sane in a very insane environment. It keeps his self respect and probably helps him stay out of depression. I asked him if he wanted me to send him some Yoga postures and he surprised me and said yes. I have been suggesting Yoga for years. Seeing him today really lifted my spirits and inspired me.
I was inspired to do more exercising at home in my room. Mornings I do a little but now I want to increase. I am not sure I will be able to pull of fthe navy seal push up but I can start trying. I want to focus on tone. I agree with what Vickie was describing, that our bodies may weigh more but actually look smaller because of the whole muscle verses fat deal. Plus, for me, exercise feels good. It gives me a feeling of competence.
I am marveling at the difference in me. I made it two weeks since that icky Weed episode and a significant illness, and instead of hiding out, I continued to participate in life. I have been very present for the kids, my job, and my other relationships and activities. And, even though I have been feeling "fat" I have stayed tuned in to what I am eating. Reality. It is not so bad actually.
I like what Vickie said, "gently bundle it up and blow it away" - that's what I am doing with the negative thoughts. They are not me. They are remnants of the past. They are not real at all. They are not me. There is a very new me here today. I'm still getting to know her.
posted by Cindy at
7:36 PM
3 Comments:
yoga is the source of the "bundle it up and blow it away" thinking. and after you do that - you gently take your mind back to your breath.
now that I think about it - visiting sons every week - might have been the
all or nothing,
black and white,
perfection/procrastination thinking.
you work full time - you have two younger kids (what DO they do when you are gone all day Saturday???) - EVEN if you had NO younger kids - once a week - with working full time would be a lot - but perhaps doable.
and I can see with your California trip, etc that two months slipped away quickly.
It might be more realistic to go once a month or every other week.
It is porbably easier on the older sons if they KNOW when you are coming - and can count on it - even if that means once a month. . .
I can't imagine how hard all that is to DEAL with all the time - what a hard situation.
One more from me - I was commenting to my therapist that I SEE self-sabotage all over the place - now that I see it. I was not talking about you and/or Lynn and the 'do you see yourself as a victim' question - I was just talking in general.
And then we were talking about the 'victim thing'.
She said
(and this is what I wanted to share)
self-sabotage and
victim stance -
go hand in hand.
Interesting to think about. . .
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