Update

I have missed blogging. Work is insane and I traveled a little over the holiday. I did not struggle much with food but I have not lost any more weight, neither have I gained. So that works for me right now. I returned to the gym for the first time on Monday night. My back did not hurt afterward and it has been a couple of days, so that's good news. I am considering joining a gym that has a location near my office, and another location closer to my house. That way I can work out sometimes on the lunch hour. I need to increase my workouts somehow. And having the gyms close to me is a big help. With weather getting colder, outdoor activity will be limited. I did have two great hikes this past weekend and had some wonderful meditation time.

Am I counting points for weight watchers? Heck no. Haven't for sometime, but I am turning myself in for weigh-in tomorrow and hoping to start again. I paid for it, so I want to use it. Things have been a bit crazy for me and busy. So I need to work on being prepared again.

By end of year I want to be in the 150's and that won't happen without extra effort on my part.

So my goal for the rest of the week: Get at least one more good workout in at the gym, count points (which means I keep a log on what I eat) and join the new gym. And weigh-in for accountability.

For the rest of today I am going to drink lots of water and eat lean.

More will be revealed!

Retreat

I am longing for a retreat. Maybe just a retreat into my own home, with an excursion to my favorite woods. This picture is one I took on my Sunday hike. the path leads to the bluffs overlooking the river and my meditation rocks. I want to go there and spend as much time as I wish, reading, or doing nothing at all, just taking in the surroundings. Relaxing. I also want to spend some time in my house, doing whatever I feel like doing. Playing a little guitar, reading, napping, listening to my birds, petting that cat (the one that likes to be petted, that is) walking the dog. Simple things. Easy things. No running around in the car shopping. No having to be anywhere at any certain time. That would be retreat for me.

I thought about going to my friend's cabin this weekend, without the kids. But that did not interest me nearly as much as staying home with no plans whatsoever, no commitments and no obligations. I have been eating more this week, and it is getting to me. I have that bloated feeling that I have not had for a while. I used to live in this bloated feeling. I don't anymore and it bothers me when it is here. I am very thankful that I no longer live in the bloat and that the bloat is not a permanent threat, just an occasional episode. It used to dominate me. Now I feel more like I dominate it. I can make it go away by getting my food back to normal. And that is what I am doing tonight. It is a fluctuation. It will be gone soon.

I love the fall. My little yard is covered with layers of big leaves. Blankets of them. I love the crunching under my feet and the color all over the ground. I guess I am supposed to rake them, and I will eventually but I love them right where they are for now. In fact, I love everything right where it is for now. Everything is not perfect, not nearly. It does not have to be. Not long ago I started thinking about how we are all perfect in our imperfection. It was a spiritual truth of sorts that dawned on me in one of my meditations.

Earlier this evening I was worrying about the kids, thinking we don't do things as a family and so on. But I have decided not to fret about things and sit back and admire things the way they are. There are many amazing things to marvel over. So that's what I am going to do right now.

Fluctuations and stuff

I felt heavier this morning and before I got on the scale I guessed my weight and I was right. I have been eating salty things and more. But I am not discouraged, it will pass. I will move on. I did some hiking over the weekend and took some photos. But my daughter used my camera without my permission and I can't find my usb cable to upload them. Maybe tonight. I sat on my favorite rock overlooking the river up on the bluffs. I had some peace. I have been having anxiety so I am working harder at getting inner peace. I am having a stress echo cardiogram on Thursday. I hope it shows that I am healthy.

I am getting over my virus but still tired with moments of energy here and there. I cleaned my lower level on Saturday and it felt wonderful when I was finished. Also did the kid's bathroom so they will know what clean really means. It was icky. All that cleaning made me sore, plus I did a bike ride. I am exercising more now but my back hurts in response. I am sick of not exercising. My neck hurts when I play the guitar if I look at my fingers on the frets. But I am still playing. Screw the pain, I need to live even if it hurts. T

his is a ramble but I wanted to check in. I have not been diligently counting points and for some reason I don't care. Not a bad I don't care just a gentle I don't care. Halloween aftermath candy is pissing me off, people keep loading up this basket of candy at work, this stupid, endless basket of candy. I want to stay out of the basket but I end up picking things out now and then. Maybe it's time for a week or so of protein shakes. I'd like to move into the 150's before Christmas and I believe I honestly can with just a little more effort. So screw the candy basket, I will go for a walk up and down the stairs (I'm on the 4th floor) next time I look at the damn thing. Maybe the exercise rush will be better than the sugar rush. I will let you know how that works for me.

I am having night sweats I do believe. I wake up remembering them. Maybe I will sweat some weight off in the night. I like to be optimistic about this menopause stuff. Hot flashes, too, shouldn't they burn some calories? Perhaps that explains the slight increase in appetite and the craving salty stuff. Eating more makes my tummy feel ick, though and I actually stop. Amazing. I stop. I refuse to let this stuff interrupt my progress. I am determined to get into the 150's by Christmas, maybe even before.

Well, that's enough. More will be revealed.

Still Grateful

I am happy to be blogging up in my room on my bed all cozy instead of downstairs in the kitchen eating. It is evening, my trickiest time. But the kitchen seems far away and I don't have the energy or the desire to go there. I am reading blogs, lifesaving blogs, life changing blogs. I am still feeling sick in my sinuses in spite of anti biotics. I am very tired. But still grateful. My room is messy and I am behind on housework. But I am not letting that bother me. It matters not at this present moment. I am tired, and I am resting. It feels good.

I remember last year about this time when I started on my laptop buying mission. I envisioned writing and blogging in coffee houses, and in bed. I had no idea it would be in a bed in a completely different home in another city, another county. Or in a coffee house yet undiscovered. How little we really know about our futures. As I think about last November I think about Christmas shopping early and the plans I had for the future. I think about Grandma Roni and our many discussions on whether I should get my grandson a new bike or not. I remember New Year's Eve, the last time I saw her. How things have changes. How odd it is to have a person gone completely. The holidays are bringing the grief out for him and for me.

I feel like I am trying to catch up with myself. So much has changed and I am just now realizing it all. I am grateful and amazed at how well we have fared. I feel the excitement for life coming back to me - the excitement I lost for a bit after having that disappointing romance. But it is back. I am restored. The void left by the end of that affair is being filled with new friendships, and the return the things I love, the things I had less time and energy for when I was trying to make that relationship work. It seems far away now (finally) and in the past. A bump in the road.

Something has changed in me significantly. I no longer avoid feeling my grief or sadness. In fact I appreciate it. It's this new level of acceptance and appreciation for all of life, not just the parts that are "good" or that work out how think they should. It is a deeper level of appreciation that I cannot yet put into words, but it is coming over me, washing over me. I can feel it.

On a lighter note, I looked at my tummy in the mirror today and there was this patch of flabby globbiness, cellulite I suppose right in the middle surrounding my belly button. Now, I know this is a much smaller area of fat than in days past,because the waists of my pants are getting loose.But I was shocked at the sight of it. It seemed concentrated, no longer stretched out. It was startling to see it there, quite disturbing. Perhaps the remaining fat has all rounded up and rallied round my belly button. Maybe it can be targeted and it will go away. I will try not to focus on it, keep exercising and hope for the best. When all else fails, I will just keep it covered.

I'm still grateful, just had to share the scary belly thing. More will be revealed.

PS I miss Buela. I hope she comes back soon.

November - Gratitude

I am making November my month of thanksgiving and gratitude. I decided that just now after my post Halloween candy weigh-in which showed .8 loss which I round to one pound for my one calculation. The truth is that in spite of myself and my nibble here and there, I did track points much of the time and make all kinds of good decisions about food this past week. So I am thrilled with the .8 loss.

Yesterday on Halloween I looked back at my old posts and I remembered last Halloween. I remembered being alone, feeling sorry for myself and eating most of the contents of the candy bowl much to my own horror. This year, I was happy the kids had plans of their own and friends to spend the holiday with. I had options for what I was going to do as well. When I got home I took a bike ride up my steep hills, and then I took the dog for a walk. I had little time to eat in front of the TV. I watched one show, then I had some running around to do that took up all my time until it was time to pick up grandson. And then it was bedtime basically. I had a bite here and there of peanut butter cups but threw the remainders away. I did not find myself struggling at all. Also, I had placed the candy bowl outside on the porch by the pumpkins which I had left uncarved. No contact with candy bowl was my desire. Unfortunately, my porch light was burned out and no one came to the house. So the cold damp candy bowl was still full. I bought things that don't tempt me much. And I will turn the contents over to the kids to stash or perhaps donate them.

It was a much better night and I realize that psychologically I am light years away from the mindset of last year. Back then I was fragile, still not knowing if I could actually put together some time without binging, hating myself, gaining back all my losses, and so on. Now I have some experience. Good experience. I am more forgiving and patient. I am more positive in my thinking and optimistic in my outlook. I still have fears and difficulties but I no longer feel alone and isolated, I share my life today with others.

My entire surroundings have changed in the year since last Halloween. We lived in our old neighborhood back then. My daughter has new friends, I have made some new friends and my grandson has made a new friend now as well. The kids go to a much better school and their grades are great. The learning environment is better and it is safe and free from violence, unlike the middle school we felt so trapped with last year. My home is bigger and in a much safer, prettier, and altogether nicer neighborhood. Even my old and worn little car that I hung onto for so long has been replaced by a newer one in better shape.

Those are just a few things that have changed. The best part, though, is the change in my attitude and ability to deal with life. I still have challenges, big ones, but I have less fear and more faith that things will work out for the best.

I have kept up with blogging and found wonderful people in the blogging community through AFG. I have a support system today that works. It has made the most difference in my ability to lose and maintain weight loss this year. I am at my 30 pound milestone in weight loss since I started blogging in mid-July of 2006. And that's something to celebrate!!