tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-325792902024-03-07T03:25:49.678-06:00I surrender Old VersionCindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.comBlogger312125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-23474693386569638392014-01-12T21:32:00.003-06:002014-01-12T21:32:31.616-06:00I am now posting to my 100 Days blog.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-1057595346010836112008-09-10T08:37:00.003-05:002008-09-10T11:42:12.374-05:00Speaking of Positive......More positive thoughts -<br /><br />Since I believe what we think upon grows, I am still focusing on the postives in my life - here are today's thoughts:<br /><br />School is going good for both kids so far this year. We have a stable home environment and I am there giving a balance of freedom, supervision, guidance and discipline. My daughter has changed almost dramatically. I realized yesterday that she is rarely yelling or screeching. She seems more relaxed, is dedicated to her grades and schoolwork. She does her chores regularly and is committed to improving her health and school attendance. My grandson is socializing more and seems to enjoy school this year more than ever. He is also diligent about his schoolwork. He joined the jazz group after school. He's a self starter and not afraid to try new things. Overall things are going great at home.<br /><br />My job is going good, too. Since my boss returned from maternity leave she has been very positive about me. I had a good performance review. My rough period was acknowledged but she said I had improved greatly and was doing very good. We talked about dealing with difficult people, and my challenges. I told her I'd like her to mentor me more. I signed up for a Dealing with Difficult People seminar. Maybe I will learn to deal with me!! Hee hee -<br /><br />One thought I have had is that some of my personality changes that caused some problems had to do with my adjustment to my weight loss. I was on a bit of a "high" last Summer. It was the first time I felt good in my body in years. I may have gotten a little extreme and too intense. I have come down to earth now and can see it. All a part of the process...<br /><br />I went to the gym yesterday and felt alive again. As I worked out I noticed that I am in good shape. I feel good about my body. I love to work out. I did my routine on the lower body equipment plus my cardio. It put me back in focus.<br /><br />My night eating was even better last night. I had my yogurt, fruit and bran. I was not fighting off urges. I have accepted that in order to be in good health I need to eat less at night, and stay away from those high starch, high glycemic foods. I am good with that. I want to eat to fuel my body.<br /><br />My daughter walked the dog last night. I was watching the end of a movie when she left, but I jogged uphill and walked briskly to catch up with them at the swan pond. It felt great.<br /><br />I feel good this morning. Back in the swing of things. Slump is fading away. I am sure me and the scale with make up soon.<br /><br />More will be revealed.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-6097178677718664322008-09-09T09:32:00.003-05:002008-09-09T09:43:02.865-05:00Non Scale Victories & GratitudeSince me and the scale have not been on the best terms I am going to list some non-scale victories of late:<br /><br />Resisting temptations:<br /><br />I resisted ice cream; birthday cake; cup cakes and other treats<br /><br />I reduced my evening eating, and when I just could not resist food at all, I had fruit.<br /><br />Exercize:<br /><br />I did a "navy seal push up" as taught by my son.<br /><br />My arms are in the best shape I have ever seen them - due to my continued work with my ten pound weights at home. I like my arms and that is a real treat.<br /><br />I can do things with my abs I never thought I could do. I keep up with my morning routine which involves an ab move and upper body weights at the same time, it combines a V-sit, leg lift with a simultaneous weigth lift with the arms. Hard to describe but I am thrilled I can do it on my weakest days. In fact sometimes I do them just to remind myself that I can.<br /><br />Other body image stuff:<br /><br />My clothes still fit. All the smaller sizes.<br /><br />I recieved compliments on my vacation picures and the reality is I am still the same size. Having photos of myself that I actually like is a new and wonderful experience.<br /><br />That's enough for now. I have a nagging feeling of depression, but I am still functioning. It is pissing me off. I am going to rebel against it by acting happy or something. My "smart-a--" survival tool is kicking in I think.<br /><br />I am signing up for a seminar on how to deal with difficult people. Since I am a difficult person, too, the bonus will be maybe I will be better at dealing with me! It is in November, paid for by work. How nice is that?<br /><br />When I got in my car today, I looked back at my condo, and my front porch with pots of flowers and thanked God or the Universe or Whoever is out there for my beautiful home. Even without a pretty place to live, I would have much to be grateful for. If I was not feeling so pissed off all the time lately...! What is the deal???? I don't know whether to laugh or break stuff. <br /><br />More will be revealed.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-38929455944953460822008-09-06T19:36:00.006-05:002008-09-06T19:52:46.957-05:00The DifferenceIt's Saturday evening and I am in my chair. The window is open and the evening is cool. I feel safe and secure and relaxed. I have had this undercurrent of low grade depression and that feeling of not wanting to show up for stuff, or leave the house. But the difference is that I know it is just a feeling, and I go ahead and do my stuff anyway. Like work. I went all week. I went the week I was sick. And my Saturday morning group. I did not want to go. Not because I did not want to see them, but more because I did not want them to see me. Sometimes I feel that way, but now I go anyway. And I am always glad when I do.<br /><br />I went to see my son today for the first time in two months I think. We talked about fitness. He does hundreds of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">push ups</span> a day in his prison cell. He has lots of time on his hands. He told me of some variations he does on the push ups. He also does squats and abdominal stuff. I think he has been exercising three hours a day. I am so glad he does this. I believe it keeps him sane in a very insane environment. It keeps his self respect and probably helps him stay out of depression. I asked him if he wanted me to send him some Yoga postures and he surprised me and said yes. I have been suggesting Yoga for years. Seeing him today really lifted my spirits and inspired me.<br /><br />I was inspired to do more exercising at home in my room. Mornings I do a little but now I want to increase. I am not sure I will be able to pull of fthe navy seal push up but I can start trying. I want to focus on tone. I agree with what Vickie was describing, that our bodies may weigh more but actually look smaller because of the whole muscle verses fat deal. Plus, for me, exercise feels good. It gives me a feeling of competence.<br /><br />I am marveling at the difference in me. I made it two weeks since that icky Weed episode and a significant illness, and instead of hiding out, I continued to participate in life. I have been very present for the kids, my job, and my other relationships and activities. And, even though I have been feeling "fat" I have stayed tuned in to what I am eating. Reality. It is not so bad actually.<br /><br />I like what Vickie said, "gently bundle it up and blow it away" - that's what I am doing with the negative thoughts. They are not me. They are remnants of the past. They are not real at all. They are not me. There is a very new me here today. I'm still getting to know her.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-38376738649931657732008-09-05T08:56:00.003-05:002008-09-05T09:07:28.849-05:00Swelling AgainGlad it's Friday but wish I'd skipped the weigh in. I was two pound up and feel swollen. I had salt last night. Bummer. I feel like right now my body is real sensitive to everything. I will have to be super drastic if I want the pounds to come off. I can't even eat like I ate when I was five pounds thinner. It is weird but I just need to accept it and make the adjustments. One thing is the lack of exercise which I will be starting again this weekend. The anti biotic I was on made me nervous about working out because there was a link to it and tendon injuries. Being older makes me more wary of these types of things.<br /><br />So, self acceptance is the concept for today. Accepting that I am in a phase where it is really easy to gain and rather tricky to lose. I have a choice, I can get real drastic and lose in spite of the phase, or be not so drastic and live with the fluctuation, knowing that it will pass and I will again resume the losing spree I have been on for some three years now. All in all, I am still 50 pounds down from 2005 and have much to be grateful for. I am not binging, and in fact I continue to pass up temptations every day. For example, we had an office lunch yesterday and I passed completely on the appetizers. I had my salad and steamed veggies.<br /><br />This is a dangerous time for me, because of the tendency to get doom and gloom thinking and say what's the use. Or to live all day obsessing about that feeling of tightness in my waistline, and let it dominate how I feel about life. I am not going to do that. I can use that feeling of tightness to influence my food choices in a good way, while accepting that it's one of those days, and if I keep on making the better choices, I will reap the benefits.<br /><br />I am trying to steer myself into positive thinking and stay there. I keep teetering. I just don't get my body. I recall a few months ago "accidentally" losing pounds when I was not even trying....sheesh!!Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-37486005663478855152008-09-04T10:06:00.002-05:002008-09-04T10:21:07.821-05:00Moving in the right DirectionToday the scale was down a couple of pounds, thank goodness. My passing up temptations is paying off. I am still not where I want to be with my food intake but I am getting better.<br /><br />I am over the sickness, too. That helps. I want to start working out again soon. Things feel sort of normal again. I even cleaned a section of my room. It is the part of the room where I first enter, so it makes a huge difference on how I feel when I go in my room.<br /><br />Little bits at a time add up to a big difference. That's my thought for the day.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-90083072873237417102008-09-02T09:31:00.004-05:002008-09-02T09:33:41.260-05:00This morning I decided to look at my weight on the scale as if I woke up a year ago and weighed myself. I would have a feeling of miraculous wonder! Amazement and awe! It is working so far.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-77155392784415890012008-09-01T12:26:00.003-05:002008-09-01T12:44:15.332-05:00Battling my FattitudeI found myself with a bit of a dangerous fattiude this weekend. Fattitude is my new word for when I have a "fat" attitude. Where my thinking is obsessive about being fat, and I am overly focused on the fat parts of my body, my weight and so on. I have been drinking water constantly this weekend to help get rid of the nasty illness I have. I feel bloated and my weight went up. I feel I am retaining and swelling. I have been passing up all kinds of foods and I know I am not eating enough to gain. So, patience is required. I cannot exercise or exert myself much because I am trying to recover from illness.<br /><br />It is hot and hideous outside. The air quality is dangerous. I am holing up, and resting. I did visit with my sister on Saturday and that was fun, but it wore me out and all I did was sit outside all evening. I passed on the cake at the party and drank water. I was a little pissed to see my weight go up but I need to ignore that. Sunday morning I managed to make it to church service and I am so glad I did. I have not been back since vacation. As I was leaving, the music director pulled up in his van with his family and said they missed me at Bible class. I said I missed them, too and that I would be back. He said I always have good input. It felt very good to have been missed. I had already been talking myself out of going, thinking that since I was not in the choir or music team I really did not belong. Silly me!!<br /><br />Today we are supposed to meet my sister, but I am not sure if I am up to it. I do have to drive to pick up grandson so perhaps we can meet for a meal somewhere. The sickness is getting better but I have felt weak and feverish at times. I don't want to play around with this, it could impact my kidneys. So I am sloshing around with the water and trying not to eat much because I am getting zero exercise. I want to do my weights and stuff but I don't think it is a good idea. Getting well is a good idea.<br /><br />So back to the fattitude. To combat the fattitude I am looking back at old posts and looking at pictures and thinking about my progress and not my regressions, if any. I am planning out healthy foods and need to keep track. That way I can look at what I ate and realize I am not overeating. I don't want to obsess over it, but I want to do enough about it to put me in reality. The doom and gloom thinking is destructive and I am not wanting to go there anymore.<br /><br />I will keep resting and looking at the positive side of my life for now. Here is something I wrote about a year ago in a post, it applies today:<br /><br />"Overall, as far as eating is concered, my worst days now are far better than my best days were before. I get all freaked out because I have a bag of microwave popcorn when in the old days I'd have three. There is much to be thankful for and today I want to focus on that. It would be too easy to take this bloated feeling I have in my tummy and run with it. Or take the two or three pound gain and use it to beat myself up and say what's the use? What's the use is a dangerous place for me to go."<br /><br />I like that. I think I will listen to myself today and just be happy!Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-1050935300846341262008-08-29T10:32:00.005-05:002008-08-29T11:18:15.116-05:00Getting StableI went to the doctor and got antibiotics yesterday. I always ask them what my weight was the last time I was there. I had lost 8 pounds since the last time I was there. It was a nice reminder at a time when I needed a mental uplift. Even though I fluctuated up a little, I am still way down from where I used to be.<br /><br />This week had its ups and downs. It was a difficult week in some ways but a victorious week in others. For one, I went to work every day, cooked dinner every night, took care of myself, and was a very present parent to the kids - and so on. I did not sink into the abyss of depression. I stayed alive. Very important basic stuff.<br /><br />I am focused on stabilization. Stablizing my emotions. Keeping my routine, and taking care of my immediate responsibilities and needs. That is stability to me right now.<br /><br />My sister is coming tomorrow. I am going to go to a party with her for one of her friend's 50th. I think it will be nice to go and see people I don't really know and some that I may know a little. A nice change. I have not made any other plans for the weekend. I want to stay home. I like home. It is safe and secure.<br /><br />I just re-read an AFG post, and I am going to use a quote today, in my head, as a mantra - "just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" - that's exactly what I need to hear today. Thanks go to L.G. for the posting!<br /><br />I am very glad it's Friday!Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-69175077761455998632008-08-25T09:37:00.008-05:002008-08-25T11:52:28.982-05:00I Refuse to be a Victim<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVeXPSyfao8XU8kGthRSKChqENx3uiSbZ_-rnPVfaha7KQsHvAOmur5zlIZJd2Pdqx0Jop0uJSfFg7MB6beMTh44o-alzHiC-YQkuOm2D0yhmTb5elwA8OteP6Cqph8qnObJJxMA/s1600-h/hero.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5238467317316746850" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVeXPSyfao8XU8kGthRSKChqENx3uiSbZ_-rnPVfaha7KQsHvAOmur5zlIZJd2Pdqx0Jop0uJSfFg7MB6beMTh44o-alzHiC-YQkuOm2D0yhmTb5elwA8OteP6Cqph8qnObJJxMA/s320/hero.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I had a very unpleasant Weed "relapse" this weekend. (Weed is a guy, for anyone who does not already know- a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">reoccurring</span> X). I initiated it. Me and my friend Denial. I have my counseling appointment Thursday. I had been thinking about not going because I had no Weed in my life and I was feeling so good about it, having not even felt like contacting him and being so secure in my happy, safe life of staying home. Maybe I needed the encounter to put me back in reality that YES I need counseling. I am feeling stable today. Yesterday was not too pretty but I still functioned, took care of my kids, my pets, my flowers, cooked us a nice dinner, etc. Just wanted to die on the inside. I ate banana bread and chocolate, but I stopped. I will get over it. I hate feeling so dramatic. It is embarrassing. The victim thing, and self abuse. That is what the Weed deal is about - I think. But what do I know? I am the one who still participates in the BS... </div><div></div><div>Success and happiness are my natural conditions - I have a right to them. I refuse to accept anything less than harmony for my life anymore. I can have a happy and joyous life so long as I, myself, insist on it, and make decisions that get me there... and stop making decisions that hold me back. . . . something like that.</div><div></div><div>I am getting out the shovel to dig up the roots of the weeds in my life. And I am strong enough, and know how to use a shovel.<br /><br />More will be revealed.</div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-16932401627347045522008-08-20T06:56:00.002-05:002008-08-20T09:15:29.631-05:00Greetings from the Chair<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixxQhd9zblGNqhCOJR61GsgGIf4kvwfe8s9BYtdv8hIC5eH0Ai-vvXQDam07JjkpBFT7eMXxVN8Efxnp3eXR053ODRMRtA1MsrXGmn1O6eI_UFbMY7P4x2zUfqsC5Ym0GT4j1zIQ/s1600-h/fat-v-muscle.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5236567577837928642" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixxQhd9zblGNqhCOJR61GsgGIf4kvwfe8s9BYtdv8hIC5eH0Ai-vvXQDam07JjkpBFT7eMXxVN8Efxnp3eXR053ODRMRtA1MsrXGmn1O6eI_UFbMY7P4x2zUfqsC5Ym0GT4j1zIQ/s320/fat-v-muscle.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-63944773895355185942008-08-20T06:30:00.007-05:002008-08-20T09:17:38.207-05:00I want to make the muscle vs. fat picture a permanent part of my blog but cannot figure out how to include it in my template/layout. I am going to have to fix some things about my blog. Some people cannot view it without seeing text on top of text. If anyone has any knowledge of how to fix these things, let me know. I want to include a couple of pictures on my layout as permanent fixtures. Maybe a few.<br /><br />Anyway, my weekend was full of rest. I did not leave the house from noon Saturday until Monday morning. It was great. I am on budget and activity restrictions - self imposed. I am trying to get finances and commitments under control. It is working out fine. I am enjoying what we have and not purchasing anything we don't need. Staying home was so nice. On Saturday I did nothing but watch movies and TV shows. I never do that. I pay for cable and never watch it. It is a great form of relaxation and entertainment. I am not a fan of constant TV viewing but it is nice in moderation. I slept ten hours Saturday night. I missed church but got much needed rest. I cleaned downstairs and made a nice dinner on Sunday that the kids and I sat together and enjoyed.<br /><br />It felt stable and secure to be home all weekend. I tended the flowers and pets. I nested. Did not get to my room, but that would have been too overwhelming of a project for a restful weekend. Now that the downstairs is stabilized I may be able to work in my room in the upcoming weekend.<br /><br />My weight is stabilizing as well. I still want to get back down to where I was but I am not fluctuating or gaining. My daily diet is becoming more consistent and my appetite is slowing down.<br /><br />I am beginning to like getting up earlier. I took the dog for a walk to the swan pond this morning. It was very nice. Cool, and the sun was still rising. I have not been to the gym yet since going on vacation. Ironic - since I posted my muscle vs. fat picture and all, but I plan to get back on schedule with that soon. Work has been too busy and I have not had the opportunity to leave. I am doing my exercises at home, but have been more focused on getting rest. I was very tired much of last week.<br /><br />It has been an adjustment, - the new school schedule and getting up earlier. There has been a little battling over things that keep my daughter awake like texting all night long from her phone. But I think we may have made a breakthrough. We both got a good night's sleep last night. It makes a huge difference.<br /><br />Just realized that since 2005 I have lost 1/4 of my body weight...now that is pretty astounding to me at the moment. I like to bring up these little facts when I am feeling sluggish and and at a standstill. They inspire me.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-32236079761488607632008-08-17T20:02:00.005-05:002008-08-18T08:19:36.082-05:00Gifts from the Universe<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJlzw77z7qQ94J9rCtrRDsNtwbanow7KrtzjqFbOgkUzThQ8JALjZdW1VfZ1IQOByyjnz8dMpztz1bPn5wXsh3UyLgowkzQCzjqUSkwJGh_4xc1vsdFzBMXS1ZeMzXkAH4Ni3Sg/s1600-h/chair.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5235657054989476258" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEJlzw77z7qQ94J9rCtrRDsNtwbanow7KrtzjqFbOgkUzThQ8JALjZdW1VfZ1IQOByyjnz8dMpztz1bPn5wXsh3UyLgowkzQCzjqUSkwJGh_4xc1vsdFzBMXS1ZeMzXkAH4Ni3Sg/s320/chair.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>My new center of operations! A friend I made as a result of the Manfriend episode passed this on to me. I had admired it. She got it for three bucks..then while she was watching my dog she bought a set that included a chaise at a garage sale. This little treasure went outside. She told me I could pick it up and have it. I always wanted one but could never afford one. It is perfect for laptop, reading and being present downstairs for my family. I have curled up and napped in it, too. I like it because now I am downstairs in the livingroom more instead of holed up in my room. It also completes the room, fills a blank space,adds color and style and keeps me moreavailable for the kids. I told them when I am not home the chair represents my presence. I faced it outward, toward the couch and away from the TV. If I really want to I can move it for movie watching if we need it. But it resides in the corner under the lamp, beside the window. Perfect for my morning meditations and coffee, too!! I consider it a gift from the Universe!</div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-8049743880230817922008-08-15T13:51:00.000-05:002008-08-15T13:53:42.031-05:00Muscle vs. Fat<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO6XwfmdUimUC2azMQqJsHzmCgAO6lMVtS-lH-_bxO75rFfZWmbQeJvoKB_kKGkU2ngKNAl5xUwXycr3454VfxmL6CP3SRqWlWeoXKG69ZRsEqS-a4x4W8fS_YaRH2GvdCB6zKyQ/s1600-h/fat-v-muscle.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5234819492936190466" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO6XwfmdUimUC2azMQqJsHzmCgAO6lMVtS-lH-_bxO75rFfZWmbQeJvoKB_kKGkU2ngKNAl5xUwXycr3454VfxmL6CP3SRqWlWeoXKG69ZRsEqS-a4x4W8fS_YaRH2GvdCB6zKyQ/s320/fat-v-muscle.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Just a quick post to show the difference between fat and muscle when it comes to our mass. It helps me understand size, and realize that the scale and the BMI are helpful but not the entire picture. It also makes a person like me want to work out more!!!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-14328986677660729012008-08-14T12:28:00.000-05:002008-08-14T12:41:29.617-05:00ChangesChanged my blog style so my pictures and weight loss ticker would show up better. I also adjusted my weight since I had that gain right before vacation. Working on losing that and getting to that goal of 145. Want to keep accountable so I will adjust it each week.<br /><br />I am back to measuring and planning regularly. It is the only way I know to lose and maintain loss. I don't always stick to it exactly, but it keeps me in a safe range of eating.<br /><br />Speaking of changes, Lynn's comment on my last post has sparked some thinking (see below). The victim state of mind - and it's relationship to weight/food/eating. I'd like to start a dialogue on that. There is a relationship. With food - If I was the victim, the perpetrator was me. Realizing that, I could take steps to stop the self abuse. If I saw the "perpetrator" as situations outside my control, then I stayed in the same old habits..... There is a change in how I look at things. I see where I choose things, instead of feeling like I am at the mercy of situations. I also see where I cannot change things, but I can make adjustments of my own to lessen any negative impact situations or people have on me. I keep the focus more on what I do, and how it impacts me.<br /><br />Food for thought?Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-26419705696667176362008-08-13T13:20:00.000-05:002008-08-13T13:37:45.982-05:00Vacation Non-Scale VictoriesI thought I'd take a minute to list my vacation NSV's, since the last time I went to CA I weighed at least 40-50 pounds heavier:<br /><br />Feeling the same size as my sister. I may not weigh the same but I did not feel "bigger" at all.<br /><br />Airplane seat was roomy, and I had to tighten the seat belt instead of the other way around.<br /><br />Running easily. Climbing hills easily. I don't recall ever feeling out of breath or running out of energy. In fact, I had energy to spare, and was always up for a good hike or physical challenge.<br /><br />Enjoying food. I was never embarrassed about what or how much I ate. I never had that feeling I used to have about eating in front of people - like I should eat less, and avoid the "fattening" stuff.<br /><br />Enjoying food, without over doing. I had some great meals but did not go overboard. I balanced heavier meals with eating less afterward. I did not feel guilty about anything I ate except for once when I had the top of a brownie after what seemed like a pretty big meal..<br /><br />Being able to go over a week without weighing myself.<br /><br />At the spa, in the steam room, the towel fit nicely around my body. I was not self-conscious at all around the other women.<br /><br />I was not self-conscious about my body during my full body massage at the spa.<br /><br />Compliments from my sister regarding my fitness and ability to do push-ups, etc.<br /><br />Layering my tops without feeling bulky. <br /><br />That's all I can think of for now. I like to take time to acknowledge my progress, especially when I am at a plateau or experiencing a small gain. It keeps me motivated to keep on doing what has worked. Being good to myself works. And setting boundaries and realistic limits.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-63596146589383278082008-08-12T10:07:00.000-05:002008-08-15T14:04:53.660-05:00Zero Tolerance a/k/a Clear the DecksI feel like I am having some sort of epiphany. It started on vacation and at turning 50. Here is the deal: Life seems precious to me more and more than ever. Each moment, each second. I have no guarantee on how much longer I have. Quality is now essential to me. I am inspired today to reduce the amount of BS I allow into my life. That's putting it pretty blunt. But it is a blunt moment that I am having.<br /><br />I can choose many aspects of my life, like boyfriends, friends, and how I spend my free time. I can choose my thoughts and what I focus on. I can choose the food I eat and how much I exercise and the kind of exercise I get. Some other areas require acceptance and adjustments on my part - like the two kids currently living under my roof. But I can set terms and boundaries for them. And I am. Electronics were confiscated this morning. They will be limited and used as rewards. I have my limits and I am going to set them. If counseling/therapy is necessary, we can all get it. Support groups are fine, too. Currently, I choose to stay with the job I have. So I need to work with that environment and make it as positive as possible. I can do that by changing me - my attitudes and behavior. The rest I will have to accept the way it is.<br /><br />And speaking of support groups, there is a great one for me, as a person deeply impacted by other people's alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior. That group is Al-anon. I qualify because I have alcoholics in the family. I am going to go regularly and make use of what they have to offer. I also obtained the number for the church counselor for victims of abusive relationships. Left her a message. She is on vacation. I am getting the ball rolling for that.<br /><br />As for food and exercise - I am back in the groove. I have my preparations, my good food. I have my gym bag. I am doing well in that respect. It makes me feel good, so that's what I am going to do. Eat right, eat light, and get plenty of exercise.<br /><br />Lastly, the Weed. I was able to do a much better job of communicating to him about how I felt about our relationship this time around. But he is still a Weed and has been pulled. It was good to have my eyes wide open and see the pattern, and recognize the stuff that is not OK. It was nice to be able to communicate it in a respectful manner. None of it changed the Weed into a plant that I want in my garden. But it did change me. And that is what matters the most. So the Weed is pulled and hopefully I got the roots this time. If not I will keep on pulling or get a shovel and dig it up. It can grow somewhere else. I have the tools to deal with weeds and I am going to use them.<br /><br />Yesterday for my last vacation day I did things around the house, ran errands and took care of things. I put up curtains in daughter's room and took down the blinds the dog chewed one day when he accidently closed himself in her room. I had been wanting to get to that for a long time now. It is finished. It feels good. I worked in the garden and enjoyed my patio. I shopped for things we needed and I cooked a nice meal. I love being at home. I got landlord to fix the leaking around the air conditioner hose that caused the carpet to be damp and icky when we returned. He will get the carpet cleaned, too. He is also re-hanging the guest bathroom door that came off it's hinges. I am fixing our environment to be even better. And we are going to enjoy it.<br /><br />I am fixing my emotional environment as well. Taking care of my thoughts, feelings, and reducing my exposure to toxic people, places and things. I like that. I am taking out insurance against falling back into old patterns. The insurance is increased support through positive people, church, the support group, the counseling, and doing things with friends that are good for me. This leaves little time for weeds. No room in the garden.<br /><br />I did not weigh this morning. I will do that tomorrow. I did notice that the fluctuation, the gain prior to vacation happened to begin when I started engaging in activity with the Weed again. Not sure what there is to that, but for now it is a correlation. I suspect there is a relationship. It is not black and white. But it is something to consider.<br /><br />More will be revealed...Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-61670553800859886552008-08-11T06:27:00.000-05:002008-08-11T06:50:23.942-05:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJtTFXJZJpAe0AmHDnSCpERmkOBzh8RSHHxWeqREv_srdvKPXUZxFX4WCpE6TOhq-mhDLVuAQCqpl_z4SOvhBGC5sF52oZCYf8Pu3Kwe-wC5A8_WM5MqyIgQYYvgnjLrR_hVYAA/s1600-h/000_0179.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5233222462100718370" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgJtTFXJZJpAe0AmHDnSCpERmkOBzh8RSHHxWeqREv_srdvKPXUZxFX4WCpE6TOhq-mhDLVuAQCqpl_z4SOvhBGC5sF52oZCYf8Pu3Kwe-wC5A8_WM5MqyIgQYYvgnjLrR_hVYAA/s320/000_0179.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><p>I am down another two pounds today. Those pre-vacation munchies are gone. I feel normal. I even feel ok about the shorts picture, and the lost vacation photos. I had gained six pounds in two weeks before my trip. And the day I left another two showed up. It was weird but it is straightening out. I did not feel like I was eating nearly enough to gain that kind of weight. I did not let it bother me on my vacation at all. I enjoyed my trip and ate sensibly. I enjoyed some nice meals, including a french restaurant the night before we came back. I was happy to get home to my shorts. The weather here is mild. There was a big heat wave when we were gone but it is very nice now. Got to go and take daughter to first day of high school!!</p>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-39977421573669169392008-08-10T17:22:00.000-05:002008-08-10T17:24:34.669-05:00Back from SF<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj47KXUa8iSQ1_E70L63zkRZFqOO33DneL74Vn7I4f1nd5x-Ze6gHN_JFcRvjtNogWeu4oCV0s6v944VG8ApGiuTVTynYunvW2ZYeSB9HhVJPfTV8U48-sufjLoixXqx3fGTGAr_w/s1600-h/golden+gate.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5233018406008694898" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj47KXUa8iSQ1_E70L63zkRZFqOO33DneL74Vn7I4f1nd5x-Ze6gHN_JFcRvjtNogWeu4oCV0s6v944VG8ApGiuTVTynYunvW2ZYeSB9HhVJPfTV8U48-sufjLoixXqx3fGTGAr_w/s320/golden+gate.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Vacations are awesome. </div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-58679891314041129022008-08-10T17:19:00.000-05:002008-08-10T17:21:58.974-05:00my current favorite<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9meul4xx4cvz755Hj8f_YecEU3h7oe6eJhYcdTqI77w3z5oJDiheaS1wb18QRCCP6sVvzrNlhOWrZoKjgaIzscoE-dRF9ERo1j6HzdsDKOGBhimhqkFgG_JyQnVIlEn-Zk_G7xw/s1600-h/marin+headlands.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5233017491563052530" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9meul4xx4cvz755Hj8f_YecEU3h7oe6eJhYcdTqI77w3z5oJDiheaS1wb18QRCCP6sVvzrNlhOWrZoKjgaIzscoE-dRF9ERo1j6HzdsDKOGBhimhqkFgG_JyQnVIlEn-Zk_G7xw/s320/marin+headlands.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>I like this one. Me in the wind overlooking the Pacific ocean. Marin Headlands. It was near sunset as you can see the sun reflecting all over the water in the background.</div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-83934707829808117212008-08-10T16:28:00.001-05:002008-08-10T16:29:54.185-05:00Post vacation body in shorts<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglzB4e5iYJfnpLHSoA36Xp4xGTic6CD1p6sLqcobfznC5WEc7SVFzOBPtF7hnE2LEptuAV2Z95zUUQXaEyrxKPSSZnmr8jhfmvukntH1bz7QKPfsL38oF53PZAwjGHAXhaJ4u2Rw/s1600-h/post+vaca+shorts.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5233004255189617890" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglzB4e5iYJfnpLHSoA36Xp4xGTic6CD1p6sLqcobfznC5WEc7SVFzOBPtF7hnE2LEptuAV2Z95zUUQXaEyrxKPSSZnmr8jhfmvukntH1bz7QKPfsL38oF53PZAwjGHAXhaJ4u2Rw/s320/post+vaca+shorts.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Me in shorts today. I don't like it but it has to be better than fifty pounds ago. Camera adds ten pounds, right?? Scroll down for a post vacation blurt...</div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-70460859581551811812008-08-10T14:28:00.000-05:002008-08-10T21:40:39.429-05:00<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSEXzUY02uPkDaeBusdcKv5dJKoa6HNyemefPFAJfKq-ZQmV7qm8JWClH_RkjNdGkkycjX2Iw1Z8vqIdwclbQd3YLlHtw8FylHMgP-yzstcoOQ5r_w4Lk-wJsMEmUQVagUjkZbEg/s1600-h/SF.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5232973297295143378" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSEXzUY02uPkDaeBusdcKv5dJKoa6HNyemefPFAJfKq-ZQmV7qm8JWClH_RkjNdGkkycjX2Iw1Z8vqIdwclbQd3YLlHtw8FylHMgP-yzstcoOQ5r_w4Lk-wJsMEmUQVagUjkZbEg/s320/SF.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>I am back. I had a great vacation. Plenty of exercise climbing hills. Only one bad thing happened - I accidentally deleted every photo and video off my camera on the night before our last day of vacation.. Pretty catastrophic. My brother in law recovered some files but cannot open them except for a few. So we have a project on our hands. I will say no more. It is still a sore subject. Anyway we are not without photos. Daughter took quite a few on her camera and my brother in law took many. But I had become quite attached to mine. I think I lost a couple of my pre vacation gain. I think my eating habits were better while I was gone. I feel confident I can get down to my normal weight - the weight before that whatever it was gain. I did much climbing of big hills and dunes. I love that. We had a great vacation. Now it is time to get the kids ready for school, which starts tomorrow for daughter and then the following day for grandson. Getting ready to take daughter shopping. We did some shopping in SF but she still needs jeans. I am giving her money and letting her go with a friend. Thank goodness. I don't like the me pictures that we have so far. But if I get some better ones I will post one. Vacation was full of Non Scale Victories. Running around, climbing hills and keeping up with my sister who has always been in good shape. Also, she was quite impressed with my push ups. Did I tell you guys I can do push ups? I think I did. I accidentally found that out a while back when doing the plank. This is a long running paragraph of post vacation blurting. I had a great spa day, too. Time to go drop off daughter. </div><div></div><div>More will be revealed!!!!</div>Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-44203716069256213392008-07-31T09:21:00.001-05:002008-07-31T09:37:04.538-05:00Thanks to the Universe!!I had the perfect message from the Universe today:<br /><br />You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. <span style="color:#ff0000;"><strong>Age is irrelevant;</strong></span> more meaningless than a number. Forever, Cynthia, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.<br />Olé, The Universe<br /><br />This whole 50 thing. And the little weight gain and the tick tock of the clock running and the dwindling time to prepare for the trip. Yesterday I ate the birthday food with my co-workers. Today I "feel" skinnier. Too funny. I decided to put off weighing until tomorrow, though. I was getting way hung up on numbers. <br /><br />I am taking a big step when I return from vacation. I am going to a support group for women recovering from abusive relationships. I am going to see a counselor. It is through my church. I encouraged a friend to do it because she suffering in a relationship and I see how she is getting help. I want help for me. I may not be in any obviously abusive relationship, but I am not healed or recovered from the ones in the past. And my behavior, with the whole dating the Weed and not wanting the Weed, breaking up with the Weed, taking the Weed back, not being able to resist the Weed, not liking what I am doing etc. still needs to be addressed. I want so much better for my life.<br /><br />I had nightmares the past two nights but when I wake up I am SO relieved. I am grateful they are not real. I am not sure what is going on with me but I know I need to get a little extra help. I look forward to it. I have connected with a few women lately who all have issues with the past abuse and they are going to go to this group. I don't have to do it alone. When I think about getting the help, I cry and feel like I may not be able to stop so I know I have losses yet to grieve. It does not scare me, it encourages me to go to where I can find comfort and heal.<br /><br />Anyway, I may not post prior to leaving and I may not get to post while away. I will be out experiencing family and life and trying to eat sanely. . .<br /><br />Thanks everybody for being here for me these past couple of years. I could not have lost weight and gained the insight and strength I have today without you!!!Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-85575336983415152312008-07-29T16:31:00.000-05:002008-07-29T16:44:33.847-05:00Checking InI was down a pound today. Last night I holed up in my room with cucumbers and celery and my salsa dip once I was finished with my downstairs activities and my dinner. I think I am improving a little each day. I had a good workout yesterday. Today we had an office lunch out at a nice restaurant. That meant I did not get to go to the gym on my lunch hour. I ordered conservatively, a salad with steamed veggies but with blackened chicken. Dressing on side. My goal was to enjoy the lunch but also be as prudent as possible. Drank several glasses of water. Appetizers were passed and I took a teeny bit but not much. I wanted to participate but not overindulge. I have been very full all afternoon and have not wanted to eat. I should be good until dinner which will be pretty light.<br /><br />Still having that puffed up feeling but not letting it disturb me. I just keep practicing my better habits. I feel a little better today. It is amazing how I can judge my own weight before I even get on the scale now. I am in touch with what my body feels like. This feels more like bloat and water retention. I have discovered that there is a surprise food thing for me tomorrow in my department in anticipation of my birthday which occurs while I am on vacation. I am glad the cat got let out of the bag so I can be prepared. It is nice for them to do it. I can enjoy it without having to overeat. That's my goal. I trust myself so much more than I used to. It is nice. I forgive myself immediately for any boo boo's. And move on.<br /><br />I'd like to get some exercise tonight but can't guarantee it will happen. I will be more focused on preparations for the trip. I really am excited about it. And happy we all get to go. I am stocked with celery and cucumbers for my evening munchies. Being prepared makes such a difference. I will just keep the water and raw veggies coming and hope for the best! And, appreciate the weight loss I have maintained. Focus on the positive. Negative thinking turns into a negative attitude, and that turns into self-defeating actions. At least that is my experience. Positive thinking, on the other hand, turns into a positive outlook which inspires positive actions. I'm going with that theory today.<br /><br />More will be revealed...Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32579290.post-51595556223054528592008-07-27T14:50:00.000-05:002008-07-27T15:10:02.911-05:00Perspective and Salsa DipI looked at my postings and my weight recordings a year ago. I was experiencing an appetite increase and was dancing around the scale like I am now, only twenty pounds heavier. That does put things in perspective. I am still feeling puffed up. I am still struggling with cravings, but less. I have discovered a nice little easy dip to make for veggies. I add light mayo to salsa and it gives it a creamier character. I just now thought about adding yogurt to it. That might be even better. I am munching cucumber dipped in my salsa dip right now. <br /><br />The gain I experienced is not hopping right back down like my little gains in the past. So I am getting more drastic and using more tools by the day. I went to the gym yesterday. I have not been doing gym on the weekends. I did it to get away from watermelon. It worked. I cleaned in my room last night which made me feel good and kept me out of the kitchen. I am eating less but the scale is holding steady so I am hanging tight and being patient until it passes. I am not over analyzing or trying to find out what magical thing happened or needs to happen. It is probably a combination of many things. The answer is simple. Eat less. Drink more water and keep exercising. <br /><br />I also need to avoid negative thinking. I find myself looking in the mirror and having distorted ideas about my body again. That must be a mental illness in and of itself. So I am avoiding the whole mirror thing as much as possible. My clothes fit fine. This is not a huge deal, but it is a moment of struggle and I am facing it with all the methods I have used these past couple of years. <br /><br />My vacation is less than a week away. We leave Friday evening for the San Fransisco Bay area. On my 50th birthday I am going to a spa, courtesy of my sister. I will get an 80 minute full body deep tissue massage - never have I ever had one of those. I will get an hour long pedicure and also something called hydrotherapy. My sister will meet me for lunch and the pedicure. What a special birthday. I have never been to a spa. Ever. Such luxuries are not in my budget. The day after we arrive my oldest brother will come and stay overnight Saturday. We will celebrate my birthday with him early. How wonderful is that? I want to be noticeably skinnier and I am. I don't want to sabotage myself with nervous nibbling, and I won't.<br /><br />A good thing about staying at my sister's is that they eat healthy. And the focus is not on food. It is easier to lose weight going there than to gain. I like that. We do things that involve walking and hiking. And the meals are healthy. There are things to be done in advance and my days are numbered to get them finished but I refuse to stress. Today I am going to pay bills, fill out the forms for the kids to start school, and drag out the luggage. One nice thing is we can start packing now because the clothes we will wear there are long pants, and warmer clothes, long sleeves, hoodies, etc. The temperatures are mild and sometimes chilly especially at the beach. So we are not wearing those clothes here in the Midwest swelter of July. We can pack them now and not miss them.<br /><br />I have to admit I feel a little stressed thinking of what needs to be done. But I found someone to keep the dog who lives not too far so I don't have to drive 4 hours round trip to take him to my parents. I also asked neighbor man to water the flowers and he said he would do it in the morning when he does his own. Those were my two main worries besides getting to the airport and I have a friend who will do that, too. <br /><br />I am going to make a list after I finish this blog. I have a half day off Thursday and all day Friday before we go to the airport at 3 p.m. That 's nice. But I have school things to do also, a parent meeting Thursday night and taking daughter to pick up her schedule on Thursday afternoon. It's exciting. I want to just be excited instead of stressed. We will have fun out there. It will be a nice time.<br /><br />So off I go to make a to do list. Just finished my cucumbers and going to refill my water bottle.Cindyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06400492104098347769noreply@blogger.com7