Taking Care of Me

I overloaded my weekend. I worked, I moved my brother, I helped others, I went to church, I spent time with Man friend. I was barely home. My kids were gone. My dog felt neglected. The cats could care less. Sunday after I went by to see if my brother had packed (he had just begun) I started having panic. I went to Man friend's and went back in his room to rest. His place is my getaway. I don't have to do anything there. He was cooking a roast and the aroma was like incense. Soothing. But I was having a panic attack. I had decided to let brother pack, and rest before the guy with the truck was to meet me. I could not rest, I called a my buddy Joe, my guy friend. He pointed out I was not getting enough rest. Man friend agreed. But who had time for rest, right? Anyway, I almost got resentful and Man friend who was doing nothing wrong, and who offered to go with me to move. And who did go with me to move. I don't know why I targeted him, but I think he noticed and he asked if everything was OK. I was going to leave and sort of in a huff for no reason, it was not even time to go yet. I could not articulate. I wanted him to help me and he was willing to but I did not want to ask. So I just let him give me a long hug. I could not really speak. He said he was going with me and he did.

I had three guys and a truck so we got the stuff moved in an hour. Brother just kept getting it ready and we kept taking it. It was great but I still was not feeling the complete relief. It was a load off, but I still had grandson wanting to be picked up, and a woman I had told I'd visit who was doing very poorly emotionally. And then there was that big fat project for work that I had not put a big enough dent in even though I worked for hours on Saturday. I had to let that go, it was not going to happen. My boss would have to get in reality with me on that one. Then what I did was this - I took brother to his new place, picking up a few last items and saying goodbye to the old place. I went back to Man friend's and let him serve me the dinner he had cooked. Then I told grandson I'd pick him up the next day because he was off school. The visit to the woman in need was delayed long enough for me to snuggle briefly on the couch with Man friend. That was my comfort. My moment to recharge. It was enough to give me the energy for that last push, the visit to the woman. I was tired but I wanted badly to help her.

I ended up being helped by helping her. I showed her what I call "the angry psalms" in the Bible. They are great. They express the emotions I often feel when I am feeling forsaken, lost, frustrated, etc. We laughed. She did not know we could talk to God about heaping hot coals on our enemies or sending them into a pit where they cannot get out. The laughter was the best part. Seeing her laugh. The night before she could not stop crying. I had walked her to her truck and sent her home hoping she'd make it there OK. So to laugh with her and see her take hold of some simple spiritual exercises was more gratifying than anything I'd done all weekend, and it had been quite a productive weekend. I got home late but slept soundly. I felt success even though everyone did not get everything they wanted. Even though I had not accomplished my impossible to-do list. I let the rest go, and did not worry anymore.

It is time to take care of me. Sleep is first. I got eight hours last night. Taking care of the basics is all I am doing now for me. Eating right and sleeping. Getting my own house in order. Just being home with the kids. That stuff. Everything else will fall in place. The brother move is over. He has a great roommate. The lawyer is dismissing the lawsuit today when I bring him the keys. All is well for him. All is really well for me, I just need to sit back long enough to take it in. The kids need extra care right now. Both of them, and I know how to do that. Last night I put them both in the car to run an errand, so we'd be together, I drove around a bit after the errands just to keep together in a close space. Being together matters, even if we are doing nothing at all.

So this week's theme is taking care of me. More will be revealed. Thanks for being part of my care.

Stuck But Surviving

It has been difficult this week. I had huge appetite early on which has tapered off. I found myself losing faith in my ability to resist and fearing the return of all the weight and the old life of self-abuse. I did go to the gym for my cardio on a regular basis but I felt bloated and heavy most of the time in spite of it. The anniversary of my grandson's other grandmother's death is tomorrow. That anniversary has been hanging over us and impacting us - me and him. He had difficulties going to school and felt physically bad this week. I felt moody and weepy and guilty with bouts of anger and frustration. I did have some positive thoughts, though. About how amazing it is that I took in an adolescent boy on a moment's notice and supported him financially and otherwise for an entire year successfully. It has been an adjustment but here are some of the good things - I kept him in the same school for two months so he did not have to change everything, I drove him and picked him up every day - I took him to counseling and sent him to grief camp in the summer. He lost about 30 pounds and has maintained a normal weight. He got off of the low dose medications he was on while living with her. His grades are good. He has made friends at the new school. He is not in any trouble, nor does he display any signs of trouble. In fact, the other day he called me at work and asked if I knew of any healthy ways to get his anger out. I made suggestions, which he followed. Does it get any better than that?

So, I know I went through much of the year in shock. I realize that my own grief is still coming out. I allow myself to feel all the ways that grief expresses itself, anger, sorrow, guilt and remorse, and so on. I talk to people about it. Especially if I get really negative. I use food less for comfort, and have other means to deal with life, but food is still around. I don't beat myself up over it when I eat too much or something I wish I had not eaten. I am not moving in weight loss right now but I am not gaining either. So I will take what I have right now and be thankful for it. For all I have been through it is amazing to be where I am.

So I may be stuck in my weight loss right now, but for today I will call it maintenance. Maintaining and surviving.

Mid Week Check in

My appetite spiked for the past two or three days. Reminiscent of PMS. I just made sure I did my cardio at the gym, and tried not to get too freaked out about it. I had stressful weekend so it could be relief eating. My brother is not exactly normal. He says the Lord tells him stuff and some stuff does not really sound like the Lord to me. The boardinghouse where he has lived for six years (including the last 4 or so when the Lord started telling him stuff) has been sold and everyone has left but him. He said the Lord gave it to him so the real owner had him served with eviction stuff. I have intervened and am working it all out. Saturday, the Lord told him to give some stuff away - stuff that does not belong to him - so someone called the cops as he and the recipient of the Lord's blessing were loading some tools onto the recipient's truck. Luckily after talking to him, the cops took him for evaluation at the hospital instead of jail. I have worked that out also. He has somewhere to move, but needs to go through his stuff and figure out what to take and what to store at my house. The new place is smaller. I have been spending time with him. The Lord told him to listen to me. He does not live far away. He still works a part time job and is pretty independent. So long as the Lord does not tell him to give anyone else's stuff away, he stays out of trouble.

So I have that going on now in addition to the regular stuff. I am a bit tired and my house is a mess since I was not tending to it when I was tending to Brother's issues. When the house is out of controlI feel a little out of control. And I am more tempted to eat weird. But today I feel calm and OK. And I have not really gained. Must be the cardio saving me. I did an hour last night. It calms me down. Today I have eaten a sane diet. I even wrote down what I ate and tallied it up. I feel back to normal. Maybe tonight I will get the kitchen under control, and then the bird cages and cat boxes at a bare minimum. Someday, oh someday, I will organize my bedroom again.

I shopped for bra's on my lunch hour today - an absolute necessity. I've been searching relentlessly for a while now and it's been frustrating. Today I struck gold and bought four. My old stuff was stretched out and ill fitted and it was really getting to me. When I got back to work I changed into one and threw the one I had on away. I feel so much better. Now I won't ever try and wear that one again. I also picked up a pair of corduroy pants on clearance. I swore I'd never wear corduroy pants (some idea I have that they add bulk, probably silly, right?). I ran across a rather unusual paisley print - grey/black - pair on clearance that came in an 8 (stretch of course). Tried them on for a lark and ended up loving them. So sixties, or something. I think I will have to post a photo. Most of my work pants are baggy. I bought a couple of new pairs that fit better and just need to toss the ones from last summer that I don't like so I don't keep trying to wear them. I have an aversion to baggy and saggy pants. Probably because I still really feel baggy and saggy.

I also bought an exercise ball to address some of the baggy saggy areas of my body. This time the kids are too old to take it over and ruin it. Plus it will stay in my room since my room is big enough for exercise. I hope I use it, along with the yoga video. I spent 125 dollars for 4 bra's; one exercise ball; one pair of wild pants; three pair of sox; one fancy sleeveless top; one blouse; and two cute knit three-quarter lengthed sleeve tops. I think I got a lot for my money. January clearance is the best.

More will be revealed. That's my report.

I'm Back

I took a true vacation from work at the end of the year. I was off from the 21st of December until today. I decided not to touch my computer because if I did, I would most likely log onto my work e-mails and read them. So this is the first day I have been on a computer in nearly two weeks. My time off was wonderful, but busy. I managed to not gain any weight, and to keep up with my regular cardio work out at the gym. I missed a couple of days, maybe three due to holidays. I had time with family and some really nice time with my new man friend. My weight stayed around 158-159 but hopped up once in a while. I still weigh every day just to check in and stay in reality. Today is the weight watcher weigh in. I feel I am up a bit due to some swelling/water retention from my high sodium new year's dinner. I made a really nice pork tenderloin, but used bacon in my green beans and baked beans. After all, it was a holiday meal, so I splurged with some fat. The beans were quite yummy. I never have bacon in the house and regard it as pure evil as food goes. I use turkey bacon if I have bacon. But like I said it was New Years and I splurged. Just feel a bit swelly in the feet. Have been enjoying the leftovers.

The cardio is still amazing. I did an hour yesterday. Also, sometime in the past few weeks or so I bought size 8 jeans - a new thing for me. And I also tried a size 8 skirt on and had the surreal experience of it being a tad loose in the waist. These things don't happen to me. I still wear a comfortable ten in pants, also. It just depends on the pants. I feel the cardio helping take my size down. Most days I don't feel like going down much more than another 5-10 pounds. I have decided to work on toning up, and getting closer to 150, and then see how I feel. A friend gave me a beginner yoga video and I am looking forward to checking it out. I feel like I can actually do it now. Also, I picked up a size S top on a clearance rack and it fit, snug but in a good way. Size S does not happen for me. I mostly wear an L and now at times an M. So these are surreal experiences attributed to size variances and a slightly shrinking body. I really loved the cut of that size S so I was determined to force it on my body. Since it was stretchy, it worked out surprisingly well.

I do a year end review every year. Tallying up the year's events, looking at progress and projecting areas for growth in the upcoming year. I have already identified that this year I want to improve my housekeeping and organization. I also want to cook more and have people over to eat. I had Manfriend over for Christmas Eve and New Year's dinner and it was nice. Would like to start including others. I have a brisket to cook with cabbage on Saturday and will see who I can entice over to eat it. Sharing the food means less for me, right? And having people over and feeding them gives me joy.

I feel refreshed and ready to take on my job and the new year. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for my life and the people in it. Never a day goes by anymore that I cannot find something amazing about life. Something to rejoice about. Maybe it is because of what I have been through in my life and the challenges I still face. I went to church with Manfriend on Christmas Eve. My daughter went with us. I had not been to church in a long time. We just went to the church close to my house for the 11 pm service. Then on this past Sunday I went with him to his church. I think that of all the churches I have been to in my quest for a church, his is the one where I felt the most at ease and the most sense of belonging. More will be revealed on that. I hope to go back again this Sunday.

I will be working on my year end review this month and will share any wisdom I gain from it. One thing I already know is how grateful I am for all the wonderful support and friendship I have found here in the blogs. So thanks everybody. I missed you when I was off! And thanks for all of the awesome support and friendship!!!

PS - a word about Manfriend. Saw him in a tank top and sweats one day when I stopped by and became completely intimidated. I had no idea how big and muscular he was. It kinda freaked me out. I knew he was a powerlifter (used to compete) /body builder /trainer from way back but never really focused on his physique. Yikes. I feel like mush compared to him. When we talk about working out - which is not often - I just tell him I'm a girl and all I really want is some soft definition. I certainly don't want to look like him but I can appreciate that he knows what he is doing. The only suggestion he ever made to me was to do cardio only for 6-8 weeks before I got on the weights again after my car accident. Something about building strength and endurance. I find myself wondering what Mr. muscle man is doing with Ms. mush but I avoid that type of thinking today. Must be my personality, right?