Smaller Jeans

This weekend I was to visit one of my best friends from my childhood/high school years. We had stayed friends for many years after school, but lost touch about 15 years ago. She had not seen me since the "fat years" began. I was excited about seeing her but self concious about the weight gain. I decided to shop my fears away. I was already tired of putting on my bigger sized pants so I went in search of smaller sized pants that would fit. I went for the jeans that have a little stretch to them because I like those the best. They are almost like a girdle and can be worn tight at first and as the weight comes off, they fit better, then get a little too big. I wanted the psychological boost of putting on a smaller size, a tangible reminder that I am making progress. And I decided to indulge myself. I took my time and actually enjoyed the shopping trip. If something was too small, I just cast it aside and found something else. I had more options than in the past. There is big a varience in sizing these days but I was able to go down a size, even two sizes from what I have been wearing. I put my two sizes up pants in the good will bag, determined not to wear them anymore.

I doubt my friend would have paid any attention to my weight gain. In fact, she told me I looked the same as ever. It was a really wonderful visit and a great renewal of an old friendship. In my not too distant past I would have been reluctant to visit an old buddy - feeling ashamed of my gaining weight. I am really grateful that today I am not punishing myself like that. I am no longer missing out on things. I am accepting myself the way I am today, but it is easier because I trust that I am also doing something about the things I want to change. I am no longer trapped and isolated.

So the new jeans are great, but even better is the new outlook and attitude.

Rollercoaster

I got way out of focus this week. I was distracted by some more health issues with my daughter. Everything was impacted, work, school, etc. I really did not pay attention to things like I normally would. I got a little crazy with the food. Maybe not as bad as the old days, but I sure did not keep any food plans and stick to anything in particular. But I don't have to keep that up. The last day or so I have been getting back into focus. A meal at a time. I wish I could do this perfectly all the time. And maybe as time goes on I will have fewer and fewer times of diversion. But today I am back on track and drinking lots of water. I am seeing somewhat of a rollercoaster pattern again though, with my eating. Sticking to it and feeling sane and then having a dip and then going back up. Maybe life is like that but I want my dips to be less extreme. And I want to get back to sanity faster. I used to like amusement park rides but I enjoy them less and less as time goes on. Maybe that's a good sign for someone like me. Maybe it's time to finally get off the rollercoaster.

Baggy pants

The pants I am wearing are baggy today, which is a good sign, but the bagginess makes me feel frumpy and when I look in the mirror I think I look worse because they are big and saggy. I thought I put these in the dryer and they are as shrunk as they can be. So these pants may have to be tossed unless I can get them altered. I like them, but I am not liking them like this. I feel distorted or something in them. Clothes at this point are not that important to me, but pants like this may require some action.

The bagginess is a good reminder that what I am doing has had some results and it is a nice motivator to continue. But I have the tendency though to feel successful early on and quit. And to get the insane thoughts like "my pants are baggy, so lets have some ice cream" or other similar ideas. I combat those suggestions by looking at the body mass index and getting on the scale to remind myself that I still have a true medical condition that requires some weight loss. This is not a cosmetic deal anymore. And I need to stay in reality. Excess weight leads to heart disease and I want to live healthy and long if at all possible.

So I try to stay in reality on a daily basis. But I may get some better fitting pants!

Attitude

I decided to write about attitude today since it is so essential to what I am trying to accomplish - a behavior change that lasts. The saying "attitude is everything" keeps coming to mind ever since I read Jen’s comment on my last post. And thank you, Jen. . I don't know if "attitude is everything" but it sure has a huge impact on how the day goes. If I get hung up on a mistake, and keep thinking about it, using it to foster the idea that I can't change, or that change is really hard and maybe I can’t do it - then my attitude is negative. If I make a mistake and I accept my imperfection, forgive the mistake and make a conscious decision to continue to move forward in spite of it, I have a positive attitude. One thing I am trying to change is my negative self-image. It comes with being overweight but I believe it was there before the weight, and it helps keep me trapped in a cycle of losing and gaining and giving up. This little process of forgiveness and positive commitment to move on helps change my relationship with me.

It would be great to miraculously change overnight, and never eat another bite of extra food, forbidden food, etc. But that has not been the case with me. What I do see some steady improvement over the past year and a half. And I prefer to remind myself of the improvements today and not dwell on how long it is taking to get there. Things are getting better all the time. One tool I have used to change my attitude toward food has been some daily readings from a meditation book - Food for Thought. Also, I have used the 24 Hour a Day meditation for alcoholics and replaced the references to "alcohol" and "drinking" to "food" and "eating." What I do is this: I go to the Hazelton website where they have the daily readings online. I cut and paste the meditation into a separate document. Then I edit, making the reference changes noted above. I tailor it to my experience with food. It has been an eye-opening experience. I believe it had gotten me to the point where I am willing to make changes. And to where I believe change is possible.

Anyway, that is just one way I have tried to modify my attitude. There are many more ways. Each day I make a conscious decision to do something, no matter how big or small, to change my life for the better.

The Physical Solution

Today is my one month weight recording day. I started this new way of life on July 15th, and I have lost ten pounds. It is amazing, especially since I had such a bumpy week last week. This is a good day to talk about the physical solution. Weight loss is part of the physical change brought about by the physical solution.

The physical solution involves the change in what and how much I eat. And planning menus is a huge part of that. It helps with grocery shopping and it helps me to stay within my guidelines. I used to plan very loosely. And at times not plan at all, and we would end up eating out. I ended up with the dreaded banana last week as a result of being unprepared at work. I find I am content to eat the "right" food if it is available. By avoiding the foods I know give me trouble I can stay "on the plan" easier and I feel better.

Also, by keeping track of what I eat each day I can look back and see what foods worked the best for keeping me fueled without feeling hungry, and what days I had cravings. That way I can better plan my future menus. I am new at this, so I need to experiment a little. And I may make some mistakes. But I am learning from them. The planning gets easier as time goes on. I may not always tally up calories but right now it is helping me find out how much I need. I like to have variety and not just eat the same foods each day. So I am finding, and inventing recipes that have the good foods in them.

Having the menus and sticking to them gives me a feeling of stability. I am staying in reality and not denying how much I had, or exaggerating either. It's getting to be kind of fun finding different things to prepare. And finding ways to eat some of what my daughter is having with a few modifications.

So, weight loss is great, and I want to lose weight, but more than that - this physical solution - stable eating - improves my state of mind and my health. I am building trust that I can recover from years of compulsive munching away at my problems.

Anyway, I am really happy to have a physical solution today. And I don't have to live in the physical problem - overeating, etc. - anymore! I have a better alternative. And it works.

Solution Week

The weekend was a bit rough for me - moody. mini-meltdowns starting Friday afternoon, skipping Saturday and returning on Sunday morning and evening. I just felt off, prone to irritation and self pity, easily angry, and often just foul. Rocky. But I feel I am at the tail end of it. Through the worst of it, and back to a more peaceful, accepting state. For one thing, I spent much time in the past few days focusing on the problem and how pissed I was about it. I must have needed to do that in order to accept the reality of my situation and to become willing to continue to do something about it. The good new is that I have a solution and I am willing to use it.

Acceptance is the first part of my solution for today. It is essential to me in order to have any peace of mind. I identified my problem (again) and I went through the denial, anger and grief about it. Then I moved into acceptance. It is a peaceful place. When I accept people the way they are instead of focusing on what about them needs to change, then my relationships improve. If I accept myself the way I am right now, flawed as I may be but willing to work toward change, then my outlook improves. I forgive the past. The negative images fade away and optimism can move in. I can focus more on what I am doing in the here and now to solve the problem.

Time spent focusing on the problem itself and resulting consequences is useful in order to be ready to change. But once I find the solution and make a decision to use the solution, excessive time spent on thinking about the problem is a waste for me. I simply need to focus on the solution and be glad that I have one.

I have a solution to the eating problem. Daily menus that leave out the trouble foods and replace them with the foods that work. Limiting the quantity to the amount I need to sustain good health. And I have alternatives to eating in response to stress, sadness, and other feelings - meditation, journaling, exercise, spiritual activities, reading, using a support network and more. I have alternatives to eating out of boredom - stay busy with other activities - get out more, exercise, games, household projects, swimming, walking, gardening, reading, etc. and some of the same things I use to relieve stress. In fact there is so much solution I don't even have time to write it all down in this post.

I have decided this is going to be Solution Week. Each day I will write about my solution. I have had enough of writing about the problem and it's nasty consequences. And I am ready to move on.

Learning

Last week I learned some things. For one thing bananas do not agree with me at all, in fact they cause problems. And, wheat does not work either, it causes problems as well. The reason I had these foods was because I was not prepared. And because I was not convinced they would cause trouble, I thought I could handle them. While bananas are not binge food, they clog me up for days. It's like eating glue or something. Or maybe concrete before it hardens, and then it hardens in my system. Wheat just leads to more wheat, and some other digestive stuff. So I learned. Be prepared, no bananas, and avoid the wheat. It hasn't been a pleasant couple of days. I was plain pissed off that I can't handle certain foods. I did some wallowing in self pity for not being "normal". And rebellion welled up.

I know also that caffeine is problematic, but I just can't give it up yet. Not today. I guess it has not made me miserable enough. I am bargaining, can I give up the wheat and sugar, and keep the caffeine? Maybe tomorrow.

I prepared for tomorrow, already have a lunch made. A menu planned. I feel some acceptance moving in.

I went to the gym yesterday morning which was a great step for me to end the three month boycott. I found myself irritable, frustrated and impatient this weekend, but now moving back towards a more peaceful state. It takes effort. And I am willing to make that effort today.

A Fresh Start

I need a fresh start. I have been focusing way too much on calculations. I talked about it before, so I will spare the details. I want to focus more on meditation and positive thinking. Even a little of that goes a long way for me, especially if I do it in the morning before the day even gets started.

One of the easiest ways to refresh my thinking is to make a gratitude list. A woman once told me that she would go through the alphabet and for each letter name something to be grateful for. I found this to be a fun game for my daughter and me to play, especially if we are feeling blue. Or if I am "stumped" and can't come up with anything (it's really a sad day when that happens)I use the alphabet method to get me going.

So today I am starting fresh with a simple expression of gratitude. For being alive and reasonably healthy, for having a home of my own for my daughter and me to share, for having so many pets, for having a family that I appreciate, for having a faith that works, for having so many resouces to find help for any of my problems. A good job, a car to get there, clothes to put on in the morning, a gym to belong to even though I have not been going, a pool to go to and swim, the rain yesterday that watered my trees, the lawnmower that still runs so I can cut the grass. People. I could go on and on and on. Gushing gratitude.

Attitude adjustment accomplished. I am now inspired to clean house. Another activity that always makes me feel really really good.

PS I am also grateful for any of you who read this.