I can do it, and it's Friday

My meal plan yesterday was great. It felt stable and safe to eat like that. Secure. Knowing that the food I was eating was not going to do me harm, in fact, it was nourishing me. I come from a past of doing dangerous things. Dangerous drugs in my youth and twenties, dangerous amounts of drinking, dangerous people I associated with, dangerous financial habits, and so on. Living on the edge. Food may be my last frontier with the dangerous behavior. Living on the edge with a little sugar here and there, pushing the calories to see how much I can get away with before I start gaining. It feels scary, though, like the drinking and drugging because I know the health risks of obesity. The older I get the more real those threats appear to me.

Living on the edge with my health no longer appeals to me. If I want to push limits, I can exercise and find a sport or physical challenge. I crave safety and security today more than anything. And a sober meal plan gives me that feeling of safety. It also gives me a feeling of self trust. I was always my worst enemy. No matter who I could blame for what, at least in my adult life, I could trace things back to my decisions that got me in situations. So it really comes down to me and me. I want to be trustworthy to me, and treat my body, and my mind in a way that nurtures and grows good things. Many of us did not get proper nurturing when we grew up, for a variety of reasons. That is why I believe it is so crucial for us to learn to nurture ourselves. Often we are really good at taking care of others, but we mysteriously neglect our own needs.

Eating right is a way of making amends to myself for my past. Food is one of the final manifestations of my self-abuse. It may not be easy for me to put this into words, but I punish myself subconsciously for things I feel guilty about. And at times I do not feel I deserve to be happy, healthy, and prosperous. I want so much now to heal in the area of food. I no longer abuse alcohol and drugs, in fact it has been over 18 years since I quit doing that. But there were many years of unhealthy relationships with men that followed, and I have been able to cease that lifestyle as well. So, here I am with food. Taking my stand against my own "old self", the punishing, neglectful, sometimes scary self. And telling that old self that it is okay, I forgive her, and now I want to take care of her.

So I am having my toasted oats and berries this morning as a gesture of forgiveness and as a truce. Making peace with the past and healing the old self inflicted hurts.