A little reflection on things

It is nearing a three year point since I decided to change my life after reaching my breaking point at my highest weight. Since January of 2005 I have lost now 46 pounds. In January of 2005 I quit taking anti depressants and started going to the gym regularly. I only lost about ten pounds or twelve pounds that year but it was a beginning, and I kept it off. I worked with a therapist that year on underlying reoccurring issues and patterns in my life. It was great. Then in the Summer of 2006 I read France's book Passing for Thin. I got inspired. And then I found her blog, and the AFG blog and started blogging on my own. Then I started taking off more weight. Thirty pounds in a year and now an additional 6 give or take a pound or two.

My pattern goes like this from what I can tell. I lose a little chunk, then I go up and down a little around the new weight. Then I stabilize at that weight for a while, then I go on to lose another little chunk. I have to adjust to each little loss, and then move on. Nothing earth shattering. Just my tortoise, lazy girl, meandering along. And then every so often when I need to buy clothes I see what changes have occurred. Right now I am in a gym going phase. I have been doing the cardio for two weeks now. I love it. But that is for now, if I quit it for a while it will be no big deal.

There have been many rewards. I am much more comfortable and move around better. I am comfortable with my looks. But the best part is the absence of the daily struggle and self loathing, the absence of that feeling of being out of control. I still have bouts of craving and mild binges, but they are not every day. So when they do happen, I believe they will pass. Sometimes I think that I could have lost the weight much faster, and why did I do it so slow? But actually, I was overweight for many years, so three years of continuous weight loss is not much compared to the years I spent feeling miserable. I also believe this loss is long term, and not a flash in the pan. I am back to my right size.

I know I could do better but I don't push myself. The cardio challenge is my first real push to increase my efforts. I did that for my depression more than for weight loss, but it will work for that as well.

The past week or so I have been contemplating stopping at 155 or 150 and then focusing more on fitness, exercise and toning. I am leery of getting too skinny for me. I have never wanted to be a skinny person. Skinny is not normal for me. I like some padding, frankly. So maybe I am near my goal.

It does not seem real, or possible that I would ever be at a point where I would not think that I need to lose weight. It feels strange. Odd. Even if I am not losing, I will be maintaining, so I will still be food conscious and using the scale. It don't mind, though. This is a lifelong discipline for me, a permanent commitment. Maybe I am better at commitments than I think I am.

Enough musing. Just wanted to stop and think about where I am. I am grateful to all the people I have been blogging with now for a year and a half. It is so amazing. I really love you guys!!

Tuesday

I survived last week's enormous cravings and the pop tart binge. My Saturday weigh in was stable, holding at the same as the week before. But today I had a breakthrough and lost a pound. I am now entering the 150's. My appetite is stable in spite of a stressful family situation. I have a brother who is mentally challenged. He lives independently working part time and staying at a boarding house where he has rented a room for six years. He walks everywhere he goes. He has a somewhat odd (by most standards) religious ideology and he is sometimes hard to deal with. The boardinghouse is closing and he has to move. But he has been waiting for the Lord to tell him what to do. I think the Lord is telling him I will move him to my Mom and Dad's. Which is basically what I suppose I am going to do. I went to see him and he has not even packed. I have a small car and my mom and dad live 125 miles away. He is supposed to be out by the 19th which is tomorrow, and I just now found out about this on Sunday.

I am beyond eating over it. In fact, I may have lost my appetite. He does not have a whole lot of stuff but I have no time for this (but of course will make time) and it is not a part of my plan this week which was to get tons of work done for my job so I can enjoy my time off which starts after Friday and goes to the 3rd of January. Grandson leaves Friday for 5 days with his mother and I want to do some Christmassy things with him. But I will squeeze in moving the brother. I was annoyed with him. But it does no good to be annoyed. A good friend said it is like being angry with the wind.

So, hopefully I can get my cardio in. I visited brother instead of going to the gym after taking grandson Christmas shopping and looking at Christmas lights last night. I was exhausted. Overwhelmed and went to bed after spending time with daughter. Daughter had to go back to the doctor for ear infection, but luckily there was no mono or strep. So last week's mini crisis is over and on to new challenges. Had a heart to heart talk with my boss's boss today regarding my concerns about my job. It is a weird week but I am going to move down a notch to place myself squarely into the 150's. Then I can use the "at least" clause that Francis talks about in her book. I can say "at least I lost a pound" or "at least I did not overeat" or "at least I didn't gain" - it appears to me to day that I have more control over my eating than any of the other things in my life.

Time to put a dent in my swelling workload. I just keep thinking about being off for 11 days in a row. Ahhhhhhhh

One more thing, lately I think I look older in the face with the loss of weight, lines and wrinkles showing up since they are not filled with fat....but I guess it's a trade off. Maybe I will stop at 155 and focus on toning and sculpting what I have left. Keep some fat around to avoid the wrinkle/line thing...hmmmmmmmm

More will be revealed.

Mid Day Change in Direction

I need to change directions. Fast. I am out of sorts with my eating. It started when I found out that my daughter's friend tested positive for the mono virus. My daughter has been sick for a couple of days now. I am working from home. I was doing great yesterday until the mono news then I cooked bicsuits - evil biscuits, and ate five of them, then it was pop tarts in the night spilling into morning and tortilla chips. I am confessing this and taking a stand. Every time I lose more weight my body seems to struggle to get the weight back. So I need to work even harder to keep the weight off, and to go on losing. This stress of impending mono test today and the fact that I am working from home just days after talks with boss about being in the office.. emotional eating.

I am changing my direction. I am going to deal with my worries, fears and whatever other emotions I am trying to medicate with food. I felt angry after overeating. Angry and irritated. I did go to the gym for my cardio. And I will today. But the eating needs to go on the back burner. I have healthy stuff in the house. I am not even hungry, stuffed with junk, though. That hangover that follows a binge. I hate it. But I don't have to wallow in it. I can remember that I am 40 or even 44 pounds lighter than I was three years ago. And at least 20 lighter than last year at this time. So how about I celebrate that, and lay off the bloating substances for the rest of the day.

I have a nice hot cup of coffee and I am in my comfy chair with my laptop. The chips, poptarts and biscuits will make their way through my system and then leave - except for the fat I may gain. But even that fat is only temporary. I will shed it. I am determined. I am not giving up. It is only food. It is not that powerful. It may feel like it right now but I have been through this before, this craving, nagging, out of control feeling. And it passes. It will pass today. Perhaps I will make that my mantra for now "it will pass, it always does" - that I can say to my cravings, my irritated state of mind, my guilt and remorse, my worry. It will pass. It always does. Just saying it now dissolves some of the power.

More will be revealed.

Monday Morning

Saturday weigh in was 160 I think. Almost positive. Sunday I saw 159 flash before my eyes, but I am not counting it. I promptly responded by eating too much yesterday but I will balance it all out. I am down there close to the 150's and if I am careful, I could be there at the end of the week. I did my cardio each day over the weekend. Sunday morning I took a hike in the rain to see the trees covered in ice in the woods. I was the only person there for the most of it. It was pretty and peaceful. Even after that hike, I still wanted my cardio and went to the gym later for 30 or 35 minutes of it. I want to keep it up and make it a habit. It is helping my mental state and it appears that it may be helping the scale go down.

I had a talk with my boss this morning. We clarified her concern from Friday. I think things will be ok. Everyone needs to feel secure, and I wanted to make sure trust was not an issue. Waiting to discuss it until I had had the weekend to relax and ponder made a huge difference. I am glad I was able to do it that way. I feel better. Bloated from having taco chips yesterday but in a good mood about work.

I want to get decorated for the holidays. I have not shopped, planned to shop, figured out what I am going to buy or anything like that yet. It will be a flurry of activity no doubt, but I want to savor and enjoy as much as I can. I am off the entire week between Christmas and New Year's. Thank goodness, I need it.

I feel fresh this morning. Ready to face the week. A good friend of mine made a surprise visit this weekend and I saw her last evening. She had pictures she took right before Thanksgiving of me and some other people. In one picture I am smiling at my guy friend (the one who is just a friend not the one I kinda like) who is clowning around and I look really happy ------ and I have no double chin. In fact I like how I look, and my size blends in with everything else - I do not look fat. I used to cringe when people had photos of me. I like these. She is giving me copies.

Got to go and do a good job for my employer. More will be revealed.

My Cardio Challenge

I have now been to the gym every day for seven straight days for a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio, and up to 45 on some days. I want to keep this up. I am challenging myself to it. I realize that there may be a day here and there where I cannot but if at all possible I am sticking with this. It feels too good. People have been complimenting me all day. From the elevator ride up (I forgot my security badge and could not take the steps) where I ran into a former employee who had not seen me in years who said I looked great, to a girl in the break room who said it looked like weight watchers was working for me (hee hee - I have not counted points or weighed in at a meeting in about 4 weeks, but I'll get back to that). I think it's the cardio.

It curbs my appetite. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. It takes the edge off of my day, and calms my frustration and anger when it wells up about various things. I could go on singing it's praises but I have to get back to work.

I am also taking the blog challenge of logging in every day and posting regularly. I am going back to Saturday morning weigh-ins - so I can start tomorrow, so I can be accountable. I want to renew my resolve and take off these last remaining ten or twenty pounds, whatever I decide.

My boss took away my flexibility today basically. It was like a slap in the face. A demotion. A taking away of something of value. A cut in benefits and overall compensation. She said other employees would want it if I had it. She said the company does not really like people to work from home. She said other weak excuses that made no sense really. I have been doing this for five years with flexibility. I have outstanding performance reviews. But she is the boss. The age of micro-management is upon me. I can do it. But I feel a part of me will wilt away. I'll deal with that topic later. So I went to the gym and did a half hour of cardio. Now I am back, working at my desk like a good little drone.

Gotta run. More will be revealed. I love everyone. Even my boss.

The Benefits

I joined the gym with the good locations. I have gone every day since Saturday. I have done cardio for 30-45 minutes each day. I already feel the benefits. My working mood is better and I can focus again. Except for run in with nacho chips a few minutes ago, my eating has been good, so I am not going to let my little chip deal get me down.

A friend of mine who is a trainer and power lifter suggested I stick with the cardio for about 4 to 8 weeks before starting weights. I think I might listen to him. Even though he is a guy, and a power lifter and may not know much about women, I still think I will listen. I will focus mainly on that to build endurance and strength. Actually he is tad bit more than a friend but I am being extremely conservative about romance this time. He is five years older than me which is nice and I have known him since last July but it was not until around Thanksgiving that we started spending time together just the two of us. And this has been mostly on the weekends except for the holidays. I feel safe with him, he is not pushy or threatening in any way even though his exterior is that of a big tough guy. I respect him and I can tell that he respects me. I am getting to have the relationship with him that I had wanted to have with the guy from last summer. Just hanging out getting to know each other without rushing anything. We text message each other Bible quotes and inspirational stuff. If it never goes further than this I will be happy. I can handle this.

So perhaps more will be revealed on that, but slowly. Very very very slowly.

I am hoping for a loss at weigh in on Thursday. I guess my chip adventure won't have a negative impact if I make that my only deviation. The daily cardio workout has given me less of an appetite. Plus the slight hint of romance from the weekend lingers. For some reason thinking about a guy and having a crush seems to burn calories and curb my appetite. But the exercise is the main reason.

The benefits of cardio are many for me - good for my heart, burns fat, uplifts my spirit, elevates my mood, works some of my muscles, makes me feel like I accomplished something. Even if the rest of the day does not go so hot, I can say AT LEAST I got my 30, 40 or however many minutes in. I get a high off of it if I stay on long enough. If I make it past 35 minutes I feel like I could go on forever. I have color in my face afterward (beet red sometimes..hee hee) and I feel like I can face the challenges of life.

For now, though, it is bedtime. Time for rest.