Comparisons

I was reading an article and noticed that I weigh one pound less than this full grown panda bear. Even though the article was about the death of this bear raised in captivity and then turned loose into the wild, what I ended up taking away was a weight comparison. It's all about me, right? Last year when watching sports I used to compare my weight to the weights of the male athletes. I often weighed more than the baseball players, and as much as most of the football players, and, sadly, sometimes more. I don't know why I make these comparisons. But I do.

So I am adult panda bear size. Maybe that's better than being adult polar bear size. Panda bears are cute and cuddly. My daughter told me not long ago that I am not as cuddly as I was when I was the chubby cherub. But that's okay with us. I whine and complain less and rarely call myself fat. We like that better.

Comparisons can be dangerous. I try to avoid them. Maybe because in the past I have compared myself in ways that I did not "measure up" and today I seek better thoughts.

But what if the comparison is one where I come out ahead? Is that a good thing? I'm wondering. I know I like comparing my old self to the current me. So maybe self comparisons are useful.

I have not blogged in a while, almost a week. I am not sure why. I got busy and was not on the computer much. I was also frustrated because I overindulged over the weekend and did not want to talk about it. That's most likely the main reason.

On a positive note I am in a nice work-out routine at home. I am focusing on my arms and upper body right now because I believe they are the easiest to change. Also, my abs. I have a set routine for every other day with the weights and floor exercises. Then on the off day I want a cardio challenge. Yesterday it was the bike ride on my strenuous route around the neighborhood. The hills are a challenge. I feel a great sense of accomplishment afterward.

I did much better in the month of May than I did in April. (there I go comparing again..) I lost in May what I gained in April. I broke even and that's good enough for me. I adopted better habits, like tracking food intake, planning and preparing, exercising, and I was consistent. I had a purpose and stuck to it. I attended a couple of support groups and found one I want to attend regularly. There was more quiet time and meditation this month, and more blogging. Looking at my May 1st post I can say that I have implemented my plan. Perhaps June will be the month I push ahead and make the new numbers a regular part of the weigh-in. Positive thinking. I believe in it.

A few other pleasant observations - comparisons from last summer -

Amusement park rides were more comfortable on Saturday, and I did not have the fear of not fitting, or the bar not coming down, etc. And, at the water park, sitting on a lounge chair in my shorts and suit, my legs looked smaller, and a little more toned. It was nice. I did not get out of breath, and my feet did not feel bad after a long day of walking all over the park.

I also found a box of last year's summer clothes. My capri's are baggy, and FINALLY big in the waist. Last year they were getting loose in the legs and hips but the waist would not budge. Now they are too big all over. but I can still wear them, and most likely will for a while. I like the loose feeling. My shorts are also big in the waist (finally) - a wonderful treat for me. I have not tried everything on, but I imagine it will be a good experience. There is a difference, and a substantial one, even with just 20 pounds lost.

I am glad I took the time to write this post. It has improved my attitude and outlook already! I may weigh as much as the bear, but I certainly don't feel like one anymore.

Stability and Peace

The tension melted the other day after I vented in my post. I took my work a little at a time the rest of the day and stayed calm most of the time. I want to improve my attitude toward my job. I know I can. I am adjusting to a new workload that involves more people asking for things more often. Today I made a spreadsheet of everything I have going on. I am still adding to it. But having it makes me feel better. There are no unknowns. Or at least not so many. It is the same with food for me. I prefer to know how much I am eating and keep track even if I do not do it to perfection. I have been tracking better the past couple of weeks and it is resulting in stability. My weight is not wildly fluctuating. My food intake, even though it is higher than I want, is staying about the same each day. I believe I can take it down a little. The stability gives me confidence and peace.

I still have daily stressful moments at work. Especially this week with fewer people here in our department. My goal is to react less, to take it in stride and to see that it is actually only a small part of a very big picture. My life is not dependent on each little work project. Sure, I currently depend on the job for my income. But ultimately my needs are met in a different way. Without this job there would be another. There could be a dropping down in income or a rising up. Either way, my needs would be met, and so would the needs of my family. I depend on God, Higher Power or whatever we choose to call him/her/it.

So with that I am going to resume my plugging away at the work on my desk, and logging them in as I find them. It's Friday. Three days off work are ahead of me. Three rainy days perhaps, which would suit me fine. We have planned a trip to the big theme park tomorrow and that will provide me with exercise. If it rains, I can rest. There may be a zoo excursion on Sunday - more exercise and if it is rained out, more rest. Monday is wide open. And I like that.

So happy Friday to all and to all a good weekend!

Overwhelmedness

Buela's new word describes my life at the moment, fraught with overwhelmedness. Work is enormous. One lawyer took vacation this week and some of her messes are coming my way, along with some of her other projects. Stuff she sat on for months suddenly has to be my top priority along with all the other urgent stuff. I feel like crying at work often this week. I have quality of life issues. My grandson has issues, my daughter has issues, I have issues. My head hurts each day, and I feel very, very, very tired. All the time.

I had to say all that. Had to let it out. I take each piece of work one at a time and try to do the best I can with it. I try not to think of the whole list at once. Just what I am doing at the moment. But there is so much, and no end in sight. I want to take vacation time but two weeks of July are eaten up with two week long business trips for something I don't even want to do anymore because I cannot imagine how I will have time with my doubled work load. I am becoming disgruntled. I sometimes loath my job and resent people here. I do not like that attitude at all.

I need to sit in quiet meditation for a while, take a walk, something to re-connect with my peaceful side. I did manage a long walk with doggie last night over some steep hills. It was relaxing and strenuous all at the same time. I know I can do this. And the job is a good one, and I want to rise up to the occasion here and perform well under all this pressure. I want to shine. I want a big fat raise when performance review time comes. I don't want to be a whining basket case. I feel like one but I am not going to actually be one. Whining basket cases get bad reviews, low increases and sometimes get canned. I can't afford that at the moment so I will shine.

I am not driven to binging over this (yet) but I did see an increase in munching in the evening but have kept it to foods that are not so bad. Hopefully I can lose a bit this week. And I certainly do not want a gain. That would only add to the overwhelmedness.

The protein shake I made yesterday was ick, and lumpy. I am not sure what went wrong but I am trying again today. My morning did not permit me to pack a lunch. I am not prepared.

I am going to go take some deep breaths and read a meditation.

Thanks for listening.

Monday Weigh-in

I have grown to like my Monday weigh-in. It is usually my highest weight for the week but from Monday to Monday I have been registering a loss. This week was about two pounds less than last week. I am now safely back to where I was before the April gain, and can resume losing. I am glad. I feel better and in the past few days people have commented on my loss. I also notice my face and neck are returning. I recognize the old me back in the mirror - a few for lines here and there, but it is the me I remember. That was one of the harder parts of weight gain, mirror shock.

I hope these little bits of encouragement can keep me motivated. It was a tiring weekend, with both pleasant and not so pleasant activities. It was not the kind of weekend that returns me to work feeling rested. In fact, I feel like I need some extra rest. I went back down to my see my parents and pick up my brother yesterday. We had a nice short visit there. Then he spent the night at my house and then this morning I took him to breakfast, for a nice walk along the historic riverfront, and on to the airport. It was great to be able to spend time with him alone and talk about our lives, our parents, our kids and so on.

I am sleepy, and did not bring lunch but I do have my trusty back-up protein meal replacement shakes here. Hopefully that will get me through. I am so close to moving forward into uncharted weight loss territory that I don't want to blow it at a vending machine!!

Me and the Scale

I have been meaning to write something about my relationship with the scale for a while now. There are a variety of opinions out there about how often to weigh. I can tell you what I do today, but I want you to know I was not able to do this in years past. I may not continue to do it always. It just works for right now. I weigh myself almost every morning, except if I forget. The reason I do this is to keep myself in reality. I have a tendency to slip into denial which can go either way. I may either think my weight is fine and I can eat whatever I want. Or, I may think my weight is way too high, and it is no use to even try to lose at all, so let's hit the refrigerator. So for today, I hop on the scale to get a close to accurate picture of where I stand. It is a measurement tool.

I was not always able to use it as a tool. I used to use it as a judge. I used the numbers to beat myself up. I let those numbers set the mood for the day and I even let them determine my self worth. When I saw a big scary number, I would feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and often I would simply give up. I had a very bad relationship with the scale for a long,long time.

Then, in August of 2005, I got rid of my scales, along with some unused exercise equipment that was also taunting me. It was just about a year before I purchased another scale. I had to halt what I was doing. I had to take a break from the self imposed insanity. What I did do that year was work out regularly, and try to eat less. And I also discarded my food plans and diets. I gave them up entirely. I stopped setting myself for failure, because that is what it seemed like I had been doing. I could not use any of those things as tools at that particular time in my life. I don't know why, and for now it does not matter. I just couldn't do it.

During the year of working out and trying to eat less, I did lose about 10 pounds, according the the doctor's scale. My body was in better physical shape from working out. I also got in better shape mentally. I am not sure how but it did happen. I had the benefit of about a year of therapy prior to the discarding of the scale, and I believe what I learned in that year helped me very much.

Even with the progress I had made, I was still unhappy with my weight and wanted to do something about problem with overeating. I believe, though, that I managed to heal the bad relationship I had with myself. The self-loathing and hatred I associated with the scale, the food plans, etc, was a deep rooted self-loathing that came from other things as well. I softened toward myself. Then I became a little more practical about the whole thing. I also became my ally, me and me were finally on the same side. It is hard to explain it words.

So in mid-July of 2006 I bought a new scale. I did it because I felt ready to try and lose some weight without bashing myself. I started blogging, and I also used food plans. I used the scale to see what worked. I used it to measure my progress. I used it to stay in reality. And I still do. I can detach emotionally from the numbers better. Not perfectly, but better.

So I have no official stance on weighing. If I find that weighing often is causing a problem, or that I am obsessing over it, I will cut back. Right now I feel okay about it, and I find it helpful. So I will keep doing what I am doing. I truly believe, though, that I needed that year without the scale, to get to where I am today.

corrupt and missing...

My new laptop is out of order, corrupt and missing file and I have to wait for my favorite computer vendor, whose name I cannot say, to send me a CD to try and fix. So I may be lost for a few days...I lost a pound, then I ate M & M's......

Before and During

Here is me tonight taking a quick shot of me in a shirt I bought today. I finally got around to digging up "before" pictures which are posted further down, past the "during" pictures below. Not a good hair day but I just needed to get this done and over. Was not at all in the mood for a photo session. I am wearing below an outfit I bought today for work. Size 12 slacks and a large in the blouse. I just wasn't real thrilled with it all, sorry no smiley faces. I took lots of pictures and hated them all. But the project kept me out of the kitchen.

I put the tree picture in because out of all recent photos, it is my favorite. Taking pictures today and looking at the old ones inspired me to keep up my efforts, and it proved to me that I don't look worse now than I did at 200 pounds..I can sure come up with some strange thinking. Oddly, though, the more I look, I think I'm kinda cute in my fuller figure.

Even though I was not happy with my weight back then (or ever, really) the pictures bring back some fond memories.

Christmas 2004

I weighed 206 at the doctor's office on January 3rd, so I am at least that in these photos. And, yes, that's a Christmas light headband in my hair, festive, right?

August 2003 - at or above 200

It was a great vaction but I was most likely at my largest, at or above 200 but I am only guessing. I was breaking the fat-girl dressing rules back then, too, with the horizontal stripes.

Thinking Positive

When I was doing my morning exercises I could see muscle where I had not noticed it before. Now, I have always had muscle but my theory is that maybe some of the fat covering it up is gone now, and I can see it better. Whatever the reason it was nice to notice that instead of the flab and fat that is still there. I am twenty pounds thinner than a year ago. There has to be a difference. And there is. I want to celebrate that today instead of moping about what I haven't lost. It makes a difference. I have been prone to moping the past week or so and today I am making a conscious effort to look at the good things.

Since I have been at this twenty pound lower weight for a few months, I am getting used to it, and taking it for granted. And, naturally I am getting a little frustrated that I have not lost more. But the great news is that I am keeping weight off, and that is what I had not been able to do in years. Keeping it off and learning to maintain is as important as losing for someone like me. Instead of extremes, quick losses and fast gains, I am settling into a pattern of taking notice of how my eating is impacting my weight and when I catch myself creeping back up, I take immediate and effective action. I am learning to regulate myself. So maybe losing, then maintaining and then losing some more and maintaining that is actually the key to my long term success. And patience, not giving up when I have a gain or eat something silly. These things are the difference between the me who was stuck in despair and the me today.

I have been tracking my food, and I have identified my slip into evening eating. I have proven methods to deal with that. They are: getting active in the evening, out of the house and away from the food; having an accessible supply of low calorie raw veggies on hand to satisfy the urge to munch; doing a small but effective workout to transition from the workday to the evening at home; drinking lots of water; reading positive literature; finding any activity I enjoy and doing it; going to a support group meeting; going to the gym. There are many alternatives. It is easy to slip into eating when I am tired, so taking a short rest is not a bad idea either.

I want to move ahead, and I believe I will this month, so long as I keep doing simple things each day toward my goal. And, I also believe that my thinking impacts my actions, so I am going to make it a point to think about the positive results I have achieved, and how I got there. If I have a negative moment, I can certainly express it, but I need to put a time limit on it, get it out, respond to it in a positive manner, and then move on.

It is all about moving on today. And a positive outlook. Cheers!!

The Comfort of a Dog

I have never found a more loyal companion than a dog, the endless fountain of unconditional love. I grew up with dogs. We had a series of them when I was a kid. They ran free back then, but always came home, and stayed with us kids when we were outside playing. My parents get adopted by dogs out in the country. They just show up. We think people abandon them, and my parents are such compassionate people, they let them stay. They never have more than one at a time. The current one is Honey, short for Honeycomb. She is a nervous sort, probably had a rough past. She craves attention and can hardly sit still even if you pet her. But she is sitting calmly next to me in the photo, yesterday, on the porch. A rare event. Even a nervous fidgety type like Honey is still a great comfort. It is the love they exude. The affection and those bright, understanding eyes.

My dog Charley knows if one of us is upset and will come sit with us. One day in my grief, I held Charley for a very long time while crying. He just stayed with me, a quiet understanding soul. He is always quietly sitting, or laying nearby wherever I am when I am at home. He gets up dutifully and follows me from room to room, a soothing presence. He can be silly, too, a comic, and make us laugh with his antics. He isn't really trained and he has emotional quirks, but so do we. He fits right in the family. I remember the day I first saw him. He had been rescued as a stray by a friend of mine. He was uncut, with very long, matted hair. He looked like a mop with eyes. I had not had a dog in probably 15 years, but I knew that I had to have this dog. We came back for him the next day. It was just meant to be.

I had my Monday weigh in and I weighed two pounds less than last Monday. I am still losing the April gain but getting close to being even. I feel good that I am not gaining anymore and that I am two pounds away from where I was. If I keep off what I lost it is still a great victory for me. I am using the supplies I froze last weekend still and it is very helpful. I have not been perfect by any means but better. And today better is good enough for me. Still climbing up from the depths but getting better every day.

The Comfort of Nature

Today we took a day trip to see my Mom and Dad in the country. My brothers came, too. My daughter took several pictures of the hummingbirds that swarm their porch to get the sugar from the feeder. I think they are addicts, but that is subject matter for another post. My parents live on a big tract of undeveloped land. I love sitting out on the porch and just soaking it all up, the woods that surround the house, the sounds of the birds and the breeze that seems to be continuous there. The sky is bluer, and at night the stars jump out at you. I could sit there and do absolutely nothing for hours. Any time of day, but especially early morning and late evening. I like to put my feet up on the porch rail or the table, and just lean back and breath it all in. I feel so at home.

I always find comfort in nature. Even if all I have is a moment or two. I feel so at home. Maybe it is because I grew up out in the country and have fond memories of exploring the land around us with my brothers and sister as a child. We could spend the entire day outside, following the creek, or finding arrowheads in a freshly plowed field, or maybe playing hide and seek in a cornfield. We lived on a hill, too,back then, with a nice view. I liked to sit at the edge of the yard in the midst of some huge spruce trees and listen to the whispering of the branches. Or take a blanket out and spread it out with a pile of books, spending an entire afternoon reading lazily under a tree, shaded, in the heat of the summer. As I grew older I would take walks alone far into the seclusion of nearby fields, woods, and explore. Then I would just find a spot and sit. I have always felt the presence of God in nature. As an adult, far from my childhood home I always sought out hiking trails and places where I could be alone with nature.

It was good to see my family today. My daughter and I snuck my Mom away after we had gone and picked up pizza for the guys. We went out and had salads (daughter had fries and a shake) and talked. Mom rarely has a break from my Dad now that he has Alzheimer's, and since my brothers were with him, she could relax a little more.
I wish it could have been a longer visit but I am very happy we made the trip. The drive is a little over two hours to get there but I enjoyed all the green rolling hills and blue sky along the way. Even though I have made that trip many times in the past 21 years, I always see things I never noticed before. And it never fails to calm me or slow me down a little. Just being out where the land spreads out and the traffic thins on the ribbon of road as it winds on, I get sleepy just thinking about it.

I really went to the depths of despair Friday night in my thinking. It was a scary low and I attribute a some of the magnitude of it to my reaction to some allergy medicine I took. I was already having a rough time, but there are certain types of over the counter cold medicines that I cannot handle. . So that, and my time of the month and a few other things combined set me up for a hideous run in with the dark side. But I knew it would pass, and I ended up going to bed and sleeping it off. I still feel touched by it though, recovering from it still.

The Comfort of Tears

Sometimes I cannot cry. Sometimes I do not want to. But almost always a good cry brings a feeling of relief and comfort, eventually. It is a lot like the rain. Soothing, sometimes stormy, sometimes scary, but it will always pass.

I have been very emotional the past few days, for many reasons. Mother's day is my worst holiday by far. I never avoid sizing myself up and falling short each year. I wish I did not do it, and maybe someday I won't but this year was the worst. Maybe because my daughter, the one I am raising as a sober person, is older and she is separating from me, doing her teenage things. Maybe because I asked her to take a Friday night off from her social life and spend it at home, and she had a really bad reaction to it. I got my feelings hurt. I had this sick idea somewhere that I could redeem myself by raising her better than my boys. I had this idea hidden somewhere in me that my relationship with her somehow held the key to my redemption for what I did wrong with the other two. That unrealistic expectation was bound to burst some time. It did this week. I identified the false belief and I think I need another balloon because I have to let go of it now that I have acknowleged it's existence.

I did not want to write this. And I don't want it to be some tally sheet or confession of things gone wrong. Friday morning on the way to school we had yet another discussion of the impending Friday night. It did not go well and the slam of the car door was my goodbye. On my way to work I let myself feel sorry for myself and have all the "immature" self centered thoughts that were begging to be heard. I cried uncontrollably. I almost couldn't pull it together to order my frozen latte at the drive through but I did. I made it to work and hung on throughout the day. There just wasn't enough crying time to let it all out. But it needed and still needs to come out.

I need the relief and the sobbing and the tears. I need to feel the sadness even if I think it is immature, or silly or selfish. I need to just let it out without judgment. I feel peace after a good hard cry. I feel comforted even if I am alone. I feel the toxic, bottled up emotions flowing feely out of me. Maybe I will have another good cry sometime soon. Or maybe I will be able to journal some of these feelings that I did not want to admit I had. I hope so. I have a therapy appointment Monday. Maybe there. Maybe in bed when everyone's asleep.

The Comfort of Rain

Last night I talked about comfort, and recognizing my need for it. And finding what comforts me. This evening I am finding comfort in an early evening rain. It is a lazy thunderstorm. Just enough thunder to give it character. Nothing threatening, a nice soothing patter against the rooftop. There is something relaxing about a rain like this. Especially after a hot afternoon. It is a special kind of thunder, rumbling a soft message of comfort from a strong unseen spirit in the sky. It brought a cool breeze, and I opened up the window to feel it and looked out at the view. It is a gift, this little storm, and I am grateful for it.

This morning I discovered that I have been having PMS, which explains quite a lot. And, the good part is that I lost a couple of the pounds gained in April, during PMS week. That is always encouraging. I had no struggles today. I woke up with a blue feeling, and was really tired and feeling lousy so I stayed home. I just let myself sleep an extra couple of hours and I worked from home. I took daughter to school halfway through the day and let her rest since she is recuperating from strep. I kept grandson who has had stomach problems home and took him to his therapy. We all had the rest we needed. It makes a big difference.

I have had no food issues today. I had an afternoon snack of raw veggies with a dip made from yogurt. It is close to dinner time and I am not hungry. So I will wait and have a later dinner, with just some veggies and lean protein. Right now I am just soaking up the breeze from the cool, soft shower and looking out at the tree that guards my bedroom window. I find much comfort in nature in many different ways.

I may have to have a Comfort series, since I am exploring the things that comfort me. And looking for them in my daily life.

This is how my evening went....

There is this thing with me and bananas. I almost forgot it until tonight. It is a bond from days gone by. A time far way when I used to bake when I was upset. Everybody knew it. My old roommate even tells a store where one day she came home and saw a crate of bananas in the hall in our apartment building and thought some huge catastrophe had struck. It was actually the guy upstairs who worked at the grocery, bringing home some overstocks. I have a pretty good recipe. I find that I can leave out sugar when I use bananas, and this time I left out the fat, and used a little apple juice. I use whole grain flour and some oats, skim milk and eggs.

I decided that I am going to make a list of other comforts, non food activities, since the actual baking ritual is part of this comfort. The art of creating, the warm sweet smell, sharing the finished product, the soothing warm soft texture. It is a package. But when I am in that vulnerable state of needing some comfort, it is not easy to stop at one. So while the individual muffy is innocent enough, the urge for more could follow. I can get a creativity fix from drawing, writing poetry, playing the guitar or making music or drumming, and I can share these activities with others or do them alone, depending on how I feel. There are lots of things to do, really. And I can light scented candles while I do it, to get the warm glow, aromatic effect.

It was a moody, rough day for me at the office. I did not even realize I was kind of vulnerable and needed to be soothed. Maybe that's what I need to do, tune into that need, the need for Mom. The need for a hug and "its going to be okay" even though actually my mom usually was more worried than me about stuff and I don't think I ever heard her say once that everything would be okay, but you know what I mean.


Am I freaked that I ate muffins plural tonight. Not anymore. I realized what the deal was. I saw
ripe bananas, which equal the baking ritual, which equal comfort, and I did what came naturally. I learned a little more about me, and I realized that I need some TLC and that I can find safe ways to get it. I will do better tomorrow, I am not going to let a few muffins get in my way, especially when they are supposed to be my pals, right? Don't they look innocent, all plump and grainy sitting there snuggling on the plate?

Tracking is Helping

I am feeling kind of blue this morning and easily overwhelmed and irritated. So I am taking a minute to see the good in what I have been trying to accomplish this past week.

I have been making and effort to make a daily food plan and then do some tracking of what I actually end up eating. I am not knocking myself out over it, but I am doing it. It is helping because I can see where certain foods keep me satisfied longer, and that helps me plan better, and know what to keep on hand. I don't feel I HAVE to track, but I want to, and that is the difference.

I used to use food plans and diaries eventually to beat myself up, and they just seemed like a record of my failure. Just like the scale, which I gave up for at least a year before I could have a healthy scale relationship, I gave up tracking and counting and even planning for a while. But I see the need for it when I get grossly off track, and I also think it is a great tool to use to get to know myself and what works for me. After I while I know what meals are within my limits, and I don't have to look up nutritional content, and calculate so much.

If I fall short of planning and tracking for a day, I don't jump into the wild side of the refrigerator or anything, I just pick it back up, and try to assess the missing day as best I can. I notice the scale is going down consistently in just the past week that I have been doing this. The extra calories are not sneaking in because I am more prepared. I feel better at the end of the day because I know what really happened. I tend to be somewhat of a blackout eater at times. Especially when there is a surge of emotions. I can have a hypnotic episode in the kitchen, and not even realize what I have done.

So for now, it is taking a little extra time, but it is worth it. So is the extra blogging time. I hope I can keep this up because then I can enter into new weight loss territory. And I'd like that.

too tired to say much

I wrote a long post earlier about something unpleasant I had to deal with today. Then I posted it, and then I went back and deleted it. I don't know, I just decided not to talk about it. I am really tired and getting ready to go to sleep. But the good news is, although I had an unexpected thing to deal with today, I took care of the situation and I did not hit the ice cream over it. I even ate my healthy foods, and took my walk with doggie.

Life has it's ups and downs. That is for sure. I believe that all the blog reading I have been doing lately is helping me stay out of trouble in the kitchen. I have been exercising more, eating less, and taking care of things as they come up. The scale is going down, and I have my mini goal in mind for May, to be in the 160's by end of the month, even if it is 169. I just want to see that new group of numbers. Nothing earth shattering.

I just want to say how grateful I am for all the blogging going on - it is really keeping me sane in a sometimes insane world.

From the Land of Sick Kids and Pretty Flowers

Today is an unusual day. My daughter woke me at 5 a.m. with fever. It shot up too high by 7:00 and I believed it was strep. So we were at the doctor's office by 9 a.m. My diagnosis was confirmed. Then I went for supplies and medicine. Then I got home and called the landlord about some repairs, and was watering flowers, and getting ready to do some work for my job and the phone rang. School nurse calling with Grandson in the office and reports of throwing up. So off I went to pick him up. Fortunately the Motrin had kicked in and daughter was okay to leave alone long enough for me to go get him. When her fever gets high as it can with strep she gets scared and delirious, has bad dreams, etc. As soon as grandson and I got home landlord showed up. Then I tried to get grandson settled with school work because even though he threw up he seemed to be feeling rather good.

The point of all this is that my day was derailed from the start. It was going to be a day at the office and an errand run to get screens made for the rental house. That was all that was on the agenda. I called in to work, but planned to work from home, but no work has been produced as yet... When I thought I was going to have one feverish child at home, I actually thought I'd have a productive work day. But with landlord trying to fix things, grandson needing lunch, and homework assistance, fever baby needing comfort, and so on, about all I did was keep up with my e-mails.

In spite of all of this, my eating has not been derailed, which is the main reason I stopped to write this post. When I get nervous, or unexpected things happen, especially ones that make me miss work, the eating urge often kicks in. Since I ate to soothe myself, grabbing a handful of something usually accompanied any type of stressful situation. It is almost 3 p.m. and so far I have managed not to do that. In fact, I made a very tasty "sober" lunch earlier - I mixed some pinto beans, salsa, jalapeno peppers together in a green tortilla (cilantro and jalapeno), baked it in the oven for a while and then put a heap of fresh greens on the side with some celery and carrots. The whole deal was within my range for lunch, and very filling. It was a nice change, too.

Yesterday I stocked up with ready to eat things. I washed and bagged a supply of fresh leaf lettuce, cabbage, celery, carrots, broccoli, and then I cooked ground turkey, measured and bagged that, and so on. I grocery shopped and have ready to eat proteins like tuna, salmon, etc. I am very very prepared. I have a selection, too. I also went to the gym first thing yesterday morning. I did a good workout, half cardio, half weights, equal time devoted to both. I am sore today. A good sore. A pleasant reminder. We also had fresh air and a walk with the dog, although it was a lazy walk, more for family time than exercise. We were all tired yesterday and now I realize the kids were unusually tired because they were both getting sick. And me, well, lack of sleep probably. I believe that yesterday's efforts have helped out with today's success.

When I was chopping and washing and measuring and bagging and cooking and cleaning up the food preparation dishes yesterday I had the thought that maybe this was just too much trouble, and did I really want to have to do all that work??? Today I appreciate it, and I am hoping to reap the benefits of that labor all week long. Often my plans to eat healthy have been thwarted by simply not having an easy choice at the time. That split second or even two minutes where I am really hungry, too tired to even comprehend actually cooking meat, or washing lettuce, etc., is often when I go astray. So now I can just reach for the bags of veggies, the already cooked lean proteins, and so on. I can whip up an attractive meal with less mess and fuss.

So today I have not given in to the occasional impulse to grab some food so far and hopefully I will continue to turn to other things if I feel stressed. One thing that cheers me up is looking at all the flowers I have blooming, especially that basket of red petunias, they are a mood enhancer, much more vivacious in person than in the photo. I already surrendered to the fact that not much work is going to get finished for the job, but perhaps later. I may be able to do some now, since fever child is sleeping and not so sick child apparently got on his computer. It is quiet now. I just wanted to check in and report something positive for the day.

Deflation in Progress

Good news!!! I feel some deflation going on now. The scale was down another pound today. Monday will be my "official" weight recording day. But I have been checking in the mornings hoping to find some encouraging news. I can feel some of the bloat receding. One thing I realized this morning is that having a plan, even if I do not stick to it perfectly, is working much better than not having one at all and "winging" it. So each day I will make my little plan and do my best to stick with it. Since exercise may be the missing link for me in months past, my daily exercise plan is now as important to me as the food. It is nothing elaborate, just something I know I can do. Perhaps loftier goals will follow.

Today's exercise plan was a walk with Charley, which I did at ten thirty tonight after coming home from a visit at a friend's house, plus some ab exercises, stretches and back exercises. I did those in the afternoon in my room. I was up and down the stairs cleaning and doing loads of laundry. I went to my favorite produce store and stocked up on vegetables and fruits so I am prepared. I did something really unusual today, too. I packed snacks to take with me when I visited my friend. And I planned ahead, and cooked veggie burger patties with cheese to have on hand today for a quick meal. This little bit of planning and preparation made my day a success. My friend has a seven week old baby and a seventeen month old toddler. She is too busy to cook for us, so it was easy to blame the snack bringing on that, but I told her I was trying to get back to losing weight. I had grapefruit and a cheese stick. It felt so good to take care of myself. I had a great visit, too. I helped her with the kids, taking the baby for a walk (more exercise!!) while she had bedtime with the toddler. It was a breezy evening after a steamy day, so the night air was refreshing.

So today was a success in the food and the exercise areas. I feel like I can do this again. I am not craving anything right now. I stayed busy so much of the day I hardly had time to eat the food I needed to eat. I like days like this. But I also love the luxurious, relaxing kind of days like the one I am hoping for tomorrow.

One thing I want to do is let go of my feelings about my lack of working out for the past year. It is not that I did not work out at all. What happened was that for about a year and a half I had worked out regularly at the gym near my house. I was doing great with it, but I was still eating way too much food. I lost ten pounds that year without making much difference in my diet. But I felt better and I was feeling in better shape than I had been in for a long time Suddenly in mid April of last year I found myself in a depression and I stopped going for a few weeks in a row. After that I just never got back into it. I did swim regularly last summer, and I had intermittent trips to the gym, but nothing like the year before. It probably hurt me more psychologically than anything. Now I want to move on, forgive the past, focus on the now. So tomorrow may bring another letting go ceremony. I am ready to get over it. In fact I am starting to annoy myself with it, the same self bashing kind of thoughts over and over. It just isn't productive. I have balloon hanging around the house, just waiting to be liberated, too.

My Enchanted Parkway

I was incredibly tired today after work. I propped myself in up in bed with the laptop and read blogs. I even went back to the very beginning of some blogs I read regularly. I am going to be doing this for a while. It is very helpful to me in my current struggle (and right now it is a struggle) to get back on the losing bandwagon. It kept me out of the kitchen. I had already found myself in a daze opening the fridge after I had already had more than my plan for dinner. I jolted myself out the fridge with the instant thought "do you want to ruin your life?" I closed the door and left the room. So that's how the evening was going. Walk? I thought not. So I said the magic words to Charley (see yesterday's post) and I had to go.

It was cool and damp and the green was everywhere from the recent daily rains. The smells were everywhere, too. I even caught a mysterious hint of eucalyptus at one point, not sure from where, but I thought of California. I took the Swan Lake walk. I noticed how enchanting my little streets are, with the winding roads, little globes of streetlamps and the trees. The swans add a fairy tail touch to it all. It was a pleasant walk. And doing it in spite of my near napping state made it even better.

That is what drives weight loss for me. Doing things in spite of how I feel, or what I may want for the moment. Doing things for the ultimate purpose. I have not revisited the kitchen. It is off limits for the rest of the night. I have lost all desire for it. The magical walk has cast it's spell.

My Walking Buddy

Well there he is, my current exercise partner. He will go for a walk anytime, anywhere. In fact, he gets so excited if I even mention to someone out loud that I might "take Charley for a walk" he jumps up and down and completely leaves the ground. So when I am tired, and not feeling motivated, I have a little trick. I just ask Charley if he wants to go for a walk outside. Saying it takes very little energy, but once I say it to him, there is no turning back. His wriggling, bouncing energy is even a little contagious, I have to admit. He is a good trainer, too. He doesn't just walk, he runs, and if I don't go fast enough for him, he practically chokes himself. His hacking noises are a little embarrassing, and I fear he will hurt himself, so I make sure to keep up. It takes a while for him to wear down, and he looks so happy the whole time that I feel happy doing the walk, even if I did not want to go for myself.

That is one thing I have learned about exercise. If I just show up, for example, at the gym, then I HAVE to work out, and I always feel better. Showing up takes less effort than the actual work out, but it guarantees the deal. At home in the morning if I just roll out the mat and get on the floor, which takes little effort, I will do some exercises, and I will feel good about it the rest of the day. A little effort in the beginning, leads to more effort, ending up with a rewarding result. The same goes for walks with Charley. It improves even the worst of moods.

Having an exercise buddy is a great way to get in the habit of working out. The first time I ever joined a gym was at the urging of a friend when I was 30 and weighed about 16 pounds less than I do today, but of course, felt huge. My friend just wanted someone to go with, more for fun or recreation, and I liked the idea. At first I went to meet up with her, but then I developed a passion for it. I lost 25 pounds that summer and was in fantastic shape. If it had not been for her, I may have never joined a gym. The thought had never even crossed my mind. It was also intimidating.

Right now Charley is my only work out buddy, but that could change. I am getting the kids into hiking with me now, and I plan to put the bike rack on the car as soon as I figure out how. That way I can haul bikes to the Katy Trail, a long, long, trail that follows the Missouri River. I like the idea of getting my workouts while doing a recreational activity with the family. Roller skating is a favorite, but with the ankle injury I have had to put that off a bit. But the pools open at the end of the month so swimming is just around the corner.

Tonight I almost did not go for my walk, it was late, and damp, and dark. But I promised Charley, so I had to go. That is how the buddy system works!

Not Another Fat Summer!!!!!!!!!

Hot weather and fat do not go well together at all. I am hoping the pounds I lost will help me be at least a little more comfortable this Summer, but I want to take some more fat off this month to feel even better. Yesterday was a preview of things to come - 91 degrees, I think, was the high. I have bad memories of being at my biggest in the peak of the steamy, suffocating heat we get here in Summer and even Spring and Fall. And I don't even want to go into the wardrobe issues and memories - finding something cool that I am not mortified to be seen in, even worse, photographed in by family, and so on. And the sweatiness of it all. I will use those memories to deter my wandering appetite.

The heat yesterday scared me. I did not feel ready for the season at all. Plus, I am still feeling "fatter than I was when I was 200 pounds" which is really bizarre. I blame lack of exercise, thinking that I have more fat now, instead of muscle, and that fat takes up more room. But if that were the case I would not be able to fit into my clothes, right? I am not going to entertain that debate in my head anymore. I am moving on. I will use those "too fat" feelings also to intervene when I desire to stray from my noble plan. And I will stop trying to figure it all out. So, as of today - I refuse to have another "Fat Summer" and I am determined to see what I can do this month to keep that from happening.

So, how am I prepared for the upcoming month's effort, and the impending oppressive heat of the months that lie ahead? Here is a list:

Wardrobe: I have some, but not many, short sleeve blouses for work, and plenty of tanks and tees for home. I have one pair of cut off shorts and a few elastic waist shorts. They may be a little baggy, but they can work for around the house. I have located at least one pair of Capri's. My swimsuit from last year will work for the time being and I have my trusty trunks to cover the waist to mid-thigh area. What I need are one or two pair of slacks in a lighter fabric to wear to work. And perhaps I can sacrifice one more pair of jeans to cut off for shorts.

Exercise plans: I have the cooler wee hours of the morning to walk or take those hill climbing bike rides. Then there is the two visit a week gym membership for indoor workouts and swimming/steam room. I have an arsenal of workout tapes (if only I'd just do them...). I have the late evening and night time when it cools down to take sunset or moonlit walks. Also, the woods tend to be shadier and cooler on hot days for hiking. We also have our weekend getaway where my friend has an exercise pool, how great is that?

Food plans - With Summer comes in-season veggies galore!! Supplies increase and price goes down. I can be well stocked for less money. I am starting up my cooking in quantity and freezing for easy access program, thanks to inspiration from Vickie. I am focusing on lean proteins and green veggies - along with whole grains and light yogurt/cottage cheese. Sort of a South Beach phase one with Kay Sheppard. I love the foods these plans employ.

Inspiration - I am getting back to my quiet times and meditations and doing more reading of literature about weight loss and related topics, whether it be factual or inspirational in nature. Also, fitness in general, health and exercise. Training my thoughts, like I talked about on Sunday.

Support - the blogs, of course, plus I want to get back to some online support groups and perhaps even a group in my area. I can't do this alone. I am also seeing my old therapist for a while to touch base about dealing with all the changes in my life. That way I deal with things in a healthy way, instead of turning to food.

Accountability - continue to weigh regularly, at least once a week and track progress and report it to someone. Also for the time being - record food intake and exercise in a formal manner, and maybe even report that to someone if I can find an e-buddy to look at it each day--any volunteers? It helps me stay out of denial, and plan ahead.

Journals - keep up with blog entries and use the journals I keep offline to inspire, vent, keep track, deal with feelings, etc.

That's my plan to avoid "another Fat Summer" and if anyone has any suggestions - I'd love the input!