My Daredevil Phase

I have been so preoccupied with trying to do this WW thing that I forgot to mention my daredevil phase. All summer when I went to the theme park I wanted to do the "Dragon's Wing" drop. It is not a ride. You pay extra to be pulled dangling on your belly in a harness, up 183 feet in the air. After you get to the top, you pull a cord and you drop, free falling through the air down the 183 feet. When you reach the end of the cable holding you, you swing, or soar rather, back and forth, far up in the air a few times until you swing slow enough to grab hold of a loop they hold out, which pulls you to a stop. I finally found someone to do it with me ( a friend) and we did it Saturday. She was scared and almost backed out. I was mesmerized by the thought and could barely pay attention to the instructions which were actually simple. It was awesome. I liked watching the ground get further and further away. I was disappointed when we stopped that we were not higher up. I was the chord puller. It was amazing. I loved it. I had a huge sense of well being for hours and hours afterwards. I wish I could do it once a week or perhaps twice. It made the most thrilling park rides seem relaxing.

I would not have done this a year ago at my heavier weight. I am getting in touch with my thrill seeking daredevil side. I now want to jump out of an airplane. I may do it on my 50th birthday if I can wait that long. I love heights, always have. I have taken to sitting on my garage roof looking at the stars lately, but condo association maintenance left me a little note telling me to cease. If only I had not left my comforter out there! So I am looking at ways to challenge myself and get fairly safe thrills. It makes my brain feel good. Probably because my brain lacks certain chemicals anyway (the whole depression thing). Anything that gets an endorphin release is good for me, exercise, and so on. I have been riding my bike up big hills the past few days. Challenging myself physically makes me feel good.

So perhaps I am entering a new phase, the daredevil thrill seeker unleashed!

Anger and Rebellion

Okay, today I decided is my first official day of counting points for WW. Yesterday I was unprepared, I was fine until I got home and then I blew it and I blew it all big time. I did go for a good bike ride, but I think it made me hungry. Yesterday is gone. It only gets this tiny paragraph.

So today I start fresh. I go for a short but strenuous bike ride up a couple hills at 7:15 a.m. just to kick things off. I stop by the river for meditation and readings on the way to work. I feel good mentally. I go to the printer to get my WW material that I printed off (I am at work now) and there sits a spread of food. Breads, bagels, cream cheese. I am pissed off. I ask if there is an occasion we are celebrating.. no says the bringer of food, I just felt like bringing it. I take it personally, I feel she is intent on sabotage. She is overweight, she knows I am on WW. She has poor work habits. She is brash and rude and has all the bad traits I struggle to overcome. She swears often at work, I swear also and I want to stop swearing. She is a toxic person. I do not want to be her. I don't like the traits in me that are like her. I resent her for bringing the food. I am angry and it is all about me.

Now, I seriously doubt, in fact I am 99% sure she did not bring the food to sabotage my WW. It is not all about me. But, I don't want to eat the food. I am counting points and I have planned my day already at least my work day. Bread just isn't in the picture. I have my oats and my bran. I am not even hungry. But I am angry. I want to rebel against her by eating on plan, I want to rebel against what she represents to me: overeating; rude ill mannered behavior; poor work habits. I want to rebel and I will. I will rebel by NOT eating the food. I will rebel by working hard at my job and staying focused. I will rebel by staying quiet and polite.

Today I am rebelling against my old habits. I am rebelling against my own rebellion.

I hope it works. I just saw the techie that helps me, as he walked past I said "hey, I wanna ask you something" and then I said "Oh, that was rude, May I please ask you a question?" I told him I was trying to be nicer and I apologized for if I was ever rude in the past. He answered my questioned and I thanked him and told him to have a nice day. Maybe I am getting better.

More will be revealed.

The Point Thing and other Musings

This Weight Watchers point thing is mysterious to me. I am figuring things out with the little slide tool. My bran has no points. Neither does a cup of broccoli according to my calculations. Interesting. But if I ate two cups at once it would, so what if I had one cup twice in the day, would it have points???? Does this work??? It has worked for people but it seems mysterious. I will do my best to stick with it and try it out. I can do it this week, but next week is a trip for Tues through Fri for work, Ohio yet again for our big conference of all legal people in the company. Food will be chosen for us, but I can do my best. If I get a good week in already perhaps I will have momentum.

Still feel bloated up. I want to go back to the doc. It has to be the stupid hormone thing. I hate hormones, what have they ever done for me????

It was good patio sitting weather this morning so I took my coffee out and did my daily readings out there. I worked a teeny bit in my teeny yard Sunday morning cutting my patch of grass. I still water each day with the heat being what it is but I have not worked much in the garden. I am looking forward to preparing the ground at the end of the year and planning for next year. I have ideas already. I love my flowers and I love the activity, the actions of tending a garden, not just the result.

Maybe that's what works best for me in life. Finding situations, hobbies, etc. where I love the actions, the motions, the activities, and not just the end result. That is what I am trying to do with the weight loss. Love the journey, the methods, and actions, not just the result. Love the process. I believe that is the difference for me now. I do find enjoyment in the process, more than ever. So I will look at this point calculation and planning as the initial effort to a smooth process. I am sure once I get some of my regular meals calculated, it will be much easier. I find a feeling of security and stability in knowing where I stand with a food budget. At the end of the day I like knowing the truth about how much and what I ate. In the past my mind played tricks on me and I also tried to get away with things. Weighing in and keeping track are tools to keep me in reality.

I have plan for the day, and I have 5 points still to spend. I will use it in the evening. My toughest time. I am just starting out on this little journey and I feel very green and inexperienced.

Starting Over Each Day

This week has been up and down. Monday I was in the depths of despair after a visit with my son the day before. Tuesday was hopeful. Wednesday was marred by just a slight simple e-mail from the recent ex that prompted me to experience the anger, humiliation, sadness etc. of that episode all over again. I have been over eating, and I am bloated. I feel like I am in full blown PMS and I am pissed at the hormone thing for putting back in a cycle. But all this is not the point of this little post.

Here is what I do. Each day I start over fresh with a clean slate. I get up and choose to live the best way I can with all of my circumstances. I also choose to let myself be human today and not expect myself to be perfect. I don't "should" myself about being sad over my sons and their situation anymore. What mother wouldn't feel sad about that? I feel the feelings and let them pass. They always pass. If I ate too much the day before I chalk it up and start again. It does not dictate my today anymore.

Life is mysterious, we never truly know what is in store for us each day. We can make plans and we can follow them, but there are all kinds of variables. And that makes life even more exciting I suppose. I have daily readings I use every morning. I rarely miss. They are to build and maintain my faith. I don't have a particular religion right now but I believe I have faith. That is how I renew myself each morning and then I let the day unfold.

I don't know what is in store for me on this Thursday morning. I know I feel like I have been inflated like one of those Thanksgiving Day parade balloons. But I also know that it will pass. So will the hangover of feelings from that guy thing. So will the guilt from eating too much stuff the past few days. All is well even when I cannot see it. All my needs are provided for and I have more than enough. Today is new and fresh. I can start my life all over again if I want to. I am not chained to the past habits or events.

I think I will go sit on the patio now and do my daily readings. I took this picture in the city one day. As I was taking several shots of the crosses I realized I could line up all three if I stood in just the right place. I have an attraction to religous art and symbols of Christianity.

I almost forgot to add, more will be revealed!

Taking the Weight Watchers Plunge and other Thoughts

I wrote out the checks, and registration is Thursday. I have to fill mine out today since I will be in a two day seminar learning how to be more tactful in my communications with others (a topic for another day). I am doing it. I have the last 20 pounds or maybe 15 to lose and it would be easy to just forget about it all but if I do that, I think I am in danger of going the opposite direction. I want a weekly meeting and a weigh-in. I want to see others trying to do the same thing each week. And, we are going into the eating holiday season so it is extra insurance for me not to gain.

For years my mom suggested WW but I did not want to spend the cash. Since I have been throwing cash around lately I decided to throw some in that direction. I got a raise and my increase easily pays for it if I need any further justification. Why I need to justify spending money to improve my life, or spend money on just me is another story, also. I am doing this for me, not even because I think I desperately need it but because I WANT it. I think I will LIKE it. For the pure and sole reason that I want it. I think it might even be fun. And I want fun. More fun, more people. I have stopped isolating. Isolating was a big part of being overweight. I now seek the company of people.

I want to seek other situations where I can share common interests with people. I am not ashamed of my appearance anymore. I do occasionally find myself comparing and feeling "less than" but I quickly get out of that frame of mind. Maybe it is shallow of me to have to lose weight to feel okay about being around people, and to some extent I still showed up and felt okay when I was heavier but not completely. There was an element of discomfort. My end of isolation has to do with other things as well. Progress in healing from other things. I am just happy to know that I am moving away from the isolation. I do enjoy quiet time and time alone to myself, but it is a different deal entirely.

A word about clothes. I have bought many things over the summer. I bought jeans over the past week or so, that I really like. When I was going through my summer things I felt a pang of sadness that summer is ending and I won't get to wear them anymore. I felt a fondness for them that is hard to describe. They were somehow dear to me. I realized how much I enjoyed wearing them and being in them. For the first time in so many years, I was comfortable and even felt great about being in my own skin. I had exciting and new experiences in them, met new people, went new places. I had a summer rich in experience. Some painful, some joyful, but all real, exciting and filled with the adventure of life.

I love the seasons. Summer is ending now and fall is moving in with crisp evenings and cozy garments. And mornings. I love mornings in the fall. The shock of the cold air to wake me as I step outside. I am happy it is here and I can't wait to see the colors. There is so much to experience just watching the earth put on her show year round. I am amazed and grateful to be a part of it all. Even though the same process takes place each year, it feels so new to me now. I feel new. And ready to go forward into a new life.

More will be revealed.

Daybreak

A new day is dawning. I saw a fresh number on the scale -165. I am determined to sustain it. I brought no food with me at work this morning. I had my soy cereal and skim milk before leaving which I actually measured out just to make sure I did not overdo it. I held out and did not eat any vending machine stuff and ran to the grocery on my lunch hour. I had a tuna fillet - those vacuum packed ones and then some yogurt with bran cereal. I was so starving at the store it was tempting to get some instant fix. But I waited and I had a few grapes on the way back to the office to get my sugar level up. Then I ate the meal. I am very full as I sit here now. It is 1:30 p.m. I usually eat earlier. I am marveling that I waited and had the healthy choice. It feels good.

I think I am getting the stability back in my personal life. Post yo-yo relationship with that one guy. The weather is cooling down the back patio is inviting in the morning for sitting and reading my daily meditations. I have been faithful to my daily readings and meditation. My attitude and outlook on life are improved by it. I am seeing the truth about me and my personality, my situations and relationships with other people. It has been painful. I am not as nice as I thought I was. But there is plenty of good in me. And that's what I am focusing on today. What we think upon grows. So I am going to grow the good stuff and weed out the other stuff.

I feel as if I have been beaten into submission somehow. I am tired, having not slept much. Maybe that has something to do with it. I am ready to do what it takes to improve my life and not return to old ways. This little loss of a few pounds is a pleasant reminder that I have changed very much. But removing the battle of the food has uncovered the scary stuff I ate to avoid. And that's what I have been facing. I am not turning away. There is no where to hide anymore. I am finding kind, supportive people to help me along my way.

Weight watchers is coming to my place of employment. I am signing up. We will meet on Thursdays. I am not sure when it starts. But it goes for 13 weeks. This should be interesting. I want some extra push so I stay in the game for the last ten or maybe twenty pounds. I feel like I will be happy with ten more lost but I'd like to have a BMI that is normal. And I think I need to lose 15 to get to that. Depending on my true height. I am not haggling over BMI's though. It is just a number, but at the same time I'd like to be just inside the normal. Just for once. We will see.

So, I think I need a comedy film festival. Something hysterically funny. I am way too serious today. I feel I just crawled out of trainwreck and I am not sure if I am alive or a ghost.

More will be revealed.

Snares

Okay time to go to the confessional. I continued to dabble in the relationship with that one guy who I had determined was not good for me. I took him back and broke up with him about once a week for a while. Over the weekend I confirmed my suspicion that was driving me mad - he has been sleeping with his ex girlfriend for almost the entirety of our relationship. The good news is I know I am not crazy. And I know that my gut feeling, my intuition was correct. I don't need to second guess that God given intuition ever again. But it hurt. I hurts to be lied to even if you see it coming and don't get out of the way in time. I always want to think the best of people but I need to protect myself. So, that chapter, that short story is closing. I often write a poem about the guy after a break up. I am not inspired by this one yet. I just feel ick. Like boiling my body and disinfecting and going to the doctor for tests. When I do write this one I have a feeling it will be humorous.

I managed to run into a guy friend Saturday night in my sorrow and shock over finding out the real truth. It was the first time I had a shoulder to cry on right when I needed it the most - and it was nice that it was a man friend. It felt so good not to deal with it alone. We decided to go to a meeting Sunday morning and had a really fun time afterwards at at little Greek place we found in the city. So I have been up and down - crying and thinking I am worthless and ugly, raging and wanting to graffiti his car with lipstick, and other things. But it will pass. This morning I feel at peace. I think it is good to express the feeling right away, and safely without acting out. I did not eat over it. I actually felt so sick thinking of it all that I LOST my appetite. Imagine that?

I lost a couple of pounds last week. I am moving in weight loss again. There is a HUGE food party going on all day here for a retirement. I have to look the other way. Since I FINALLY lost I do not want to be tripped up by this. I have to leave mid day for an appointment and I may work from home after that.

I don't' regret my summer romance. I have at many times but not today. I used it as a catalyst to personal growth. It made me take a good hard look at MYSELF and my patterns of getting into abusive relationships and then having trouble getting out of them. This is a life long pattern and I can get help for it. There is hope for me. Often survivors of abuse have food issues. I peeled away some of the protective fat and the men showed up. Now I need to deal with how to safely protect myself without using food, or other things. I want to live in the world and not hide from it. I had the insane thought of gaining the weight back so I would not have to deal with men. That is so crazy. All other areas of my life are going well. This bump in the road is not going to take me down. I will learn from it and move on.

So here's to moving on. And learning. Growing and changing. And of course, NEVER giving up. I love you guys.

Thursday Thoughts

My moods were up and down in the past week and so was my eating. I still try each day to stabilize the diet but my appetite is up some of the time. The doctor put me on hormone replacement. Since EVERYTHING pharmaceutical has always made me gain weight I am thinking the hormones are making me eat. But that is just my thinking. There is no logic to my thinking. It goes off the charts at times. I have this idea that I am somehow allergic to myself or something my body produces, like hormones. And that allergy produces a compulsion to eat food. I need to stop this churning of the brain and just settle down. And be still. Time to stand still for a while.

I have been exercising regularly in my lazy girl kind of way. A trip to the gym each week (I did skip one week) and regular dog walks up and down the hills and to the swan pond. I have much stronger abs now and can do more challenging exercises for abs so I do those at home. I also have weights for upper body that I use at home. So I am taking care of myself. My weight has only fluctuated in about a three pound range. I believe this is part of my process. I lose, I fluctuate a little, I stand still, then I lose a little more. I can live with this. I could live with not losing any more for a while, too. So long as I do not gain. I need time to catch up physically, toning and strengthening things. But I'd also love to lose ten more pounds before Thanksgiving. Why? I don't know it just sounds good.

I took a hike over the weekend with grandson. It was nice for both of us. It takes extra effort to get him out of the house. He tends to hang out on his computer. I also took him and one of his buddies to the theme park and I hung out at the water park section reading and getting in the wave pool for exercise while they went off on their own. It was a relaxing time for me. Relaxation was what I needed, too. I'd had a bout with anger that ended after a stand off in the customer service area of a large discount department store chain who shall not be named. I believe that the cauldron of anger boiling beneath my surface was so evident that my tone and body language were frightening to the lady behind the counter. My reaction to the situation was out of porportion. It got ugly, they called security, thinking I somehow was a threat, but I quietly and repeatedly told them I just wanted the lady to hand me back my driver's license, which she eventually did. I still don't know why she stood there clutching it and withholding it. I think it was some sort power struggle mixed with fear and perhaps a tad bit of her own anger. Power struggles are dangerous when I am brewing a cauldron of anger. I visualized getting arrested at that nameless place. As I slunk out with my ID I heard them cancel security. It was a close call. Too close. I need to remember that when I feel like I felt that day, great care must be taken. Some tasks, like returns to nameless discount houses can be postponed in favor of activities that will relax me.

Overall, as far as eating is concered, my worst days now are far better than my best days were before. I get all freaked out because I have a bag of microwave popcorn when in the old days I'd have three. There is much to be thankful for and today I want to focus on that. It would be too easy to take this bloated feeling I have in my tummy and run with it. Or take the two or three pound gain and use it to beat myself up and say what's the use? What's the use is a dangerous place for me to go.

We had a good rain last night and more this morning. Rain calms me. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, and the way it makes things look. I love the soothing dimming of light when a thick blanket of clouds covers the sun. Sometimes sunny days are just too intense, too bright. We need some soft, grey, dark days to balance things out. Balance. Maybe that's what I am getting to in my life.

Anyhow, here's a tree I shot on my hike. We all know how much I love trees. Trees remind me of God. Especially the big ones that grow near the river. I finally got my own stash of batteries for my camera so I can take pictures again without daughter robbing my batteries and leaving me without. A girl's gotta fend for herself in this world. Even in her own house.

Happy Thursday!