The Funk Drags On
Tonight was the classic funky, bad, overeater depression from my past. I went shopping, thinking that picking up a few tops would make me feel better. It was more than I could handle really. The department store felt cramped, and actually it was, they had the racks arranged way too close together. But that closed in, bumping into things feeling is also a feeling of being too big to navigate the small spaces. I usually love this particular store but I found it impossible to find the kind of clothes I recall getting there in the past. Good clothes for work were always there, but not tonight. And the feeling of not finding things was overwhelming, too. But I calmly stuck with it, and did not freak, I just felt on the verge of freaking. So I guess being on the verge is better. Progress, not perfection, right?
I did witness a "standoff" between the plus department and the skinny clothes. It was funny. I was looking for the misses stuff, and I found myself passing the plus, and admiring a pink sweater, but also reminding myself that I am just below plus now. So I then looked across the aisle and there, facing the pink sweatered plus manikin was a row of skimpy clad skinny ones, and there I was, in between. The scene was a true representation of where I am today with my body, in between the plus and the skinny, but closer to the plus, comfortable looking at the plus, but intimidated by the skimpy. It was something to see, the facing off of the two sides. It pissed me off a bit, having that skinny stuff in the face of the plus section. Antogonists. Harrassment.
I felt my feet swelling while shopping and my brain felt like it was being pinched. I associate that feeling with PMS but it is also a feeling of water retention. It is a bad place to be. And the bloat has been steady all evening. I feel like a tire being pumped beyond the inflation limits. I got out of the store with several tops, and even a couple for my daughter. I even consented to getting a charge card there and saved ten percent. I made it through the whole application process and went on my way. I know it was just a shopping trip, but at a time when I feel the way I feel, it was a major effort, and looking back, all things considered it actually went well. I stopped and got a huge bottle of water and drank the entire thing, responding to the swelling body message. I found myself hating my reflection in the mirror and avoiding it. It has been a long time since I felt this huge, and I then I remembered. I used to feel like this all the time. And that gave me a new attitude.
I know I am going through something here. And it feels dangerous at times, but I am going to listen to it, and take care of myself as best I can. I did laundry, I assembled the birdie high rise (the big cage) for the birds to move back into. I kept on doing what needed to be done in spite of the creeping feeling of self loathing bloat. I am going to drink another huge dose of water before I go to bed, even if it means getting up in the night to go to the bathroom. I need to cleanse something out of me with pure water. I need to flush this feeling away. I am going to remind myself that this is going to pass. I am not going to regain all the weight. I may fluctuate up a bit but I am going back down. And I am not giving up.
I have been giving myself many pep talks. It seems to me sometimes that is all I do. Getting a better inner dialoge has taken a long time for me. And it is part of my recovery from depression. Good thing I saw my old therapist and have another appointment for Monday. Maybe tonight is the peak of this funky stuff. Maybe it will be uphill from here. I am going to think that just because it makes me feel better for today.
I did witness a "standoff" between the plus department and the skinny clothes. It was funny. I was looking for the misses stuff, and I found myself passing the plus, and admiring a pink sweater, but also reminding myself that I am just below plus now. So I then looked across the aisle and there, facing the pink sweatered plus manikin was a row of skimpy clad skinny ones, and there I was, in between. The scene was a true representation of where I am today with my body, in between the plus and the skinny, but closer to the plus, comfortable looking at the plus, but intimidated by the skimpy. It was something to see, the facing off of the two sides. It pissed me off a bit, having that skinny stuff in the face of the plus section. Antogonists. Harrassment.
I felt my feet swelling while shopping and my brain felt like it was being pinched. I associate that feeling with PMS but it is also a feeling of water retention. It is a bad place to be. And the bloat has been steady all evening. I feel like a tire being pumped beyond the inflation limits. I got out of the store with several tops, and even a couple for my daughter. I even consented to getting a charge card there and saved ten percent. I made it through the whole application process and went on my way. I know it was just a shopping trip, but at a time when I feel the way I feel, it was a major effort, and looking back, all things considered it actually went well. I stopped and got a huge bottle of water and drank the entire thing, responding to the swelling body message. I found myself hating my reflection in the mirror and avoiding it. It has been a long time since I felt this huge, and I then I remembered. I used to feel like this all the time. And that gave me a new attitude.
I know I am going through something here. And it feels dangerous at times, but I am going to listen to it, and take care of myself as best I can. I did laundry, I assembled the birdie high rise (the big cage) for the birds to move back into. I kept on doing what needed to be done in spite of the creeping feeling of self loathing bloat. I am going to drink another huge dose of water before I go to bed, even if it means getting up in the night to go to the bathroom. I need to cleanse something out of me with pure water. I need to flush this feeling away. I am going to remind myself that this is going to pass. I am not going to regain all the weight. I may fluctuate up a bit but I am going back down. And I am not giving up.
I have been giving myself many pep talks. It seems to me sometimes that is all I do. Getting a better inner dialoge has taken a long time for me. And it is part of my recovery from depression. Good thing I saw my old therapist and have another appointment for Monday. Maybe tonight is the peak of this funky stuff. Maybe it will be uphill from here. I am going to think that just because it makes me feel better for today.
posted by Cindy at
9:18 PM
5 Comments:
I shop at two stores that frequently offer discounts if you use your charge. I have gotten in the habit of using the charge, getting the discount, then writing a check for the exact amount and putting it on the credit card (so I keep a -0- balance at all times). This works great. At one store - I can do this at any checkout - at the other one - I have to go to customer service. But at the customer service one - I write the check while at check out - so that I have the correct amount - they don't have to look it up - and it is very, very fast. I keep -0- balances all the time that way - one less bill to come in the mail and have to pay. I still get a statement every month - that shows a -0- balance and often contains more coupons.
I think that I remember you being on anti-depressants in the past (before you started blogging perhaps) and that you aren't on them now - what lead to you going off????
I went off after over a year of working with a therapist and getting through some issues. I started working out regularly which I believe can significantly help my mood, and decided to give it a try - going off them - to see if I could manage the depression in other ways. I had gained my weight while on anti depressants and blamed them for my weight problem, which was depressing me even more at the time. I started losing weight after I quit taking them, and I worked out diligently for well over a year. For me depression has been off and on and not a consistent thing. So the anti depressants were not always helpful because of the levels of my moods - we'd have to constantly be adjusting doses. In fact there was a point at which I was even more depressed while taking them - at certain times of the month especially. I also had really bad middle of the night eating while on them, which went away when I stopped. I don't think they necessarily cause night eating and weight gain, but perhaps for me, they may have added to it. I ultimately decided to opt for other methods so I could see where I was and feel all the stuff, and try and use what I learned through therapy. If I had been suicidal, or if the depression severely inhibited my daily functioning, I would take the medicine. I am getting to know my depression better now I suppose. Once, a long time ago, a therapist told me that they could accomplish with prozac what it would take years of therapy to accomplish. I always remembered that because for me, I would rather do it through therapy, if possible, and not have to take medicine. Even if it takes longer and I have to work harder. I think both can also be used. I think anti depressants are great and people should definately take them for depression. But for the lower grade and episodic depression I have, I opted to use other methods. The medicine is always available if I can't manage. Long answer, but it's a deep subject.
This sounds hormonal to me. Are you taking anything to mitigate depleted estrogen and progesterone. When I upped my soy intake, and began using Estoven pills and Pro-gest cream some of the hormonal funk dissipated. I don't use HRT for fear of heart repercussions. Don't know if any of this info. will help, but I feel for you.
I am leaning toward hormonal, especially since this particular funk came with the return of periods. But it seems so odd to me that I'd get the funk when the period comes back and not when it leaves. Maybe I am allergic to the hormones that come with the child bearing years. I always had a tough time with PMS and so forth. I need a good doc that would look at this stuff. My doc wanted to do the HRT. I was scared. I want the natural remedy. I least dangerous.
I suggest reading about bioidentical hormones (my doctor had me read Suzanne Somers book, The Sexy Years, for an easy-to-understand primer). I have very early menopause and these hormones are keeping me from hot flashes (I was just having little ones when I started)...I'm not getting my period regularly yet (you should when you're on these) and God knows it hasn't helped my weight loss yet, but I still really think they are a good option...
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