New Number Alert

I saw the new number. It was 169. There has not been a 16_ anything on my scale since maybe 1999 or early 2000 but I am thinking 1999. That is eight years. I am still in training school (they should call it eating school) so here is my food resistance report. There were muffins this morning. But they had labels and I read them. I decided to have one because it had 210 calories even though it had 10 g of fat. I figured the fat might keep me satisfied for a while. It did all the way up until lunch. Lunch was ordered in BBQ which I had chosen white meat. I peeled the skin off and the sauce was on the side so I just did a little dipping. I immediately gave away the two gigantic butter dripping garlic bread slices. My fingers were greasy just touching them. They smelled tempting so they had to be removed instantly from my reach. I had a side of slaw and a side of potato salad. I know these most likely contained more mayo than I'd use in mine but I enjoyed them. In the afternoons I dig through the snack basket and get the little 90 calorie bag of granola bites while everyone else munches chips and cookies. I don't care. I saw the 16 on the scale this morning and I want that more than the cookies.

Maybe I can have a no fat or very low fat dinner to balance the fats in my breakfast and lunch. I feel good about my choices and my adaptations. I enjoyed my food. I took a very long time to eat the muffin. I nibbled over time. I stopped halfway and waited. I played with it. I eventually finished it.

I saw that boy again last night. He sure is sweet. I feel we can talk about anything. He is respectful of boundaries that I now appear to have. He reminds me often that he wants to hear everything I have to say. He also remembers things I have said in the past and details about weeks ago when we first met. He opens up about feelings and stuff. Do you think he is from another planet? I can't get over it. I am not sure if he is real or not.

Time to report back to eating, I mean training school.

Random Thoughts

Thanks for the comments on last night's ramble. I felt better instantly after writing it all down. And then today when I read the comments from you guys, I smiled and even laughed. I appreciate those comments more than I can say. Sometimes those rambles can be pretty funny. I also finally remembered to weigh myself and I lost another pound. I am a pound away from my June goal. Right now my stomach is rumbling and churning after having a very prudent and nutritious salad for lunch. I have been having this type of reaction off and on for close to a week. Hopefully it will pass. I have been trying to eat well during training week and so far it is working. But last night I waited too long to have dinner and ended up eating nachos with the kids. It was all I had.

Monday night I had a good work out at the gym. Last night I walked at the mall to kill time before I had to pick up grandson at his friend's house. Tonight if the weather is not oppressive later in the evening I will take a walk in the neighborhood. The capri's I bought began to droop a little so I am going to put them in the dryer and hope they tighten up a tad. I am working on toning, but in my slow, patient style. I am not knocking myself out, just have some regular exercises and if I can do a challenging weight training once a week, I'm happy. I may even get to doing it twice a week, but no more. I am avoiding extremes.

Avoiding extremes applies to everything. I am not sure how I missed that concept in life. Instead I have learned the hard way. But today I crave balance, and slow, lazy, steady progress.

Maybe someday I can write the lazy girl's guide to weight loss and exercise. But first I have to prove it works...

Gut Level Honesty

This morning I arrived at training school to see two big platters of these bodacious giant muffin shaped iced Cinnamon roles. I resisted even though I was hungry. I had not breakfast, had no time. Stayed up with boy last night. He brought roses. Egad, I don't think I can do this. I have to write about this because I am bombarded with negative feelings and there is no rational basis. I don't want to shave my legs all the time. I don't want to feel like I have to look pretty all the time. I don't want him to discover what flabby places exist on my body. I don't want him to see me in shorts, a swimsuit and by all means never in less than that. I don't want to wonder if he finds other women attractive. I don't want to wonder what he is doing when he is not with me, or wonder anything about him at all. These thoughts are not generated by him. They are mine. They would be there about any man, prince Charming, Mr. Perfect. They are my insecurities. They are there and liking a guy and even being liked back by the guy stirs them up and here they come to rob and cheat me out of my peace and joy.

I hate them, these thoughts. All of them. I want to banish them. I will give up and eat pop tarts if I don't. Damn them. I want to write them all down and burn them. I was not ready for this. Cute boy with flowers, calling every night. Mutual attraction. I feel stupid for having reservations. I feel stupid for not wanting to go the distance, for wanting to bail out before the deeper feelings arrive. I feel exhausted just thinking of what still lurks in my bag of feelings regarding men. I feel like I am not ready.

Maybe I can sleep this off. He asked me if I liked fried chicken. I don't' want to talk about fried chicken. I don't want him to know I have an ongoing deal with food. I am not ready. I did not look for him. In fact when I met him I was content not to have one. Why did he show up with his cuteness and roses and kisses. I feel like now I have to deal with the stuff I have been able to comfortably avoid by simply checking out of that world of men.

I better pray and go to bed. This is most likely gibberish. I don't want to clean my room, I don't want to tell him my past. Well some of it anyway. I don't want to deal with feelings. I don't want to get naked. I want to run and hide somewhere. I used to call my old stand by lovers sometimes when I felt I was falling for someone so I could wreck the sweet relationship I was about to have. I ran from nice guys like they were poison. The scared daylights out of me. I don't want to do that now. I want to be able to relax and see what happens. The relaxing part is what is not coming. I cannot sleep. My eating is sporadic. I fidget. I daydream.

sorry for the giberish. I just don't want to eat

I forgot to weigh in this morning. I was in a hurry. I am a training session all week long from 8 to 5 each day. They commented on how good they feed us and said people gain weight in the training week, but not so for this one. Being a corporate employee in the group I can opt out of the lunches and I can skip the morning goodies, so I am. My goal is to lose during the week. I weighed last night and I was close to a pound less than last week so I am thinking I will have a loss but won't know until tomorrow. Normally my eveining weight is my highest weight.

I have had two dates with the man. Last night's date was the date I imagined having. We walked at a park by the river and down onto a gravel bar where the sound of water and the cool breeze refreshed and relaxed me. We sat in the woods, secluded and shaded, and talked. We went walking down the cobblstone street with shops and then shared a salad (what guy shares a salad??? that and other amazing traits..) in a booth at a small italian place. Then we walked back along the river in the night air back to the park. We spent a little more time woods again this time with stars and sky peeking through the trees. That was a very romantic part. This guy talks about feelings. And he listens to me. And he asks questions if he is unsure, and does not make assumptions. He also has assured me, more than once, that he wants to hear everything I have to say. I assume because he wants to get to know me. This is a huge change for me from my past with men. It is very nice. I am enjoying it. It was the date I have envisioned as my little dream date when I moved here and thought about going on the riverfront, wishing I had that special someone to do those things with. What a great gift to get a small wish.

Anyway, let's not get too carried away with boy talk. My appetite has been less and I am still tired and not I am still a little under the weather. I had to go to Six Flags Saturday so there was no rest until yesterday. My sleep has not been good either. My business trip is in two weeks and I want to make sure I take care of things related to that. I am still up in the air on who will water plants, care for pets, and kids. I have a couple of options and I am still weighing them before making a final decision. I am also still working on changing my negative thoughts. I catch myself and try to re-examine and replace with another way of looking at the situation. It is not as time consuming as it sounds and I hope it becomes a habit. I want my communications to improve in that the statments I make to other people could convey more optimisim, if possible. Or at least not some negative image or label I have been branding myself, or the world with for years without re-examining. That's my hope.

I hope I start sleeping better. There are projects around the house waiting for a peppier me to come along and take action. For now I forgive myself for not being up to the challenge, and I lay down if I am too tired. Sooner or later I will get better and do these things. I don't know if there is a point to this post but I wanted to get on and post because it keeps me grounded. It is almost the end of the month and I want to see if I can make my small goal which is about only two pounds away from last night's weight. I could be there and I just don't know it yet. Gotta run back to training. Oops I am late..

Head Hunger

This morning I read this meditation on the Hazelden.org site. It talks about "head hunger" and responding to the signals we get from our brains that prompt us to eat. For me, this would involve learning what signals are the physical hunger indicating my body needs nourishment and which ones are head hunger. Then, I can learn new ways to feed the head hunger. I like this. The key is to find out what is behind the head hunger. But I can't stop there, I need to develop new responses to feed my head, heart and soul.

The meditation talks about emotions triggering head hunger. I know this is true for me. I am ready to start working on my plan of action to respond to the hunger brought on by these emotions. One idea I have is to make a list of each kind of emotion that triggers the head hunger (for me, most likely every emotion) and then write down other things to do besides eat, things that have worked in the past. Then I can try them out and see which ones work the best.

Just some thoughts, prompted by the Thought for Today. I hope the link still works, it did when I tested it - if not let me know.

PS - Any suggestions on how to use Flax seeds. I have a bag I bought some time ago and I am looking for ways to eat it.

Oh Happy Day

I was down three pounds at weigh-in this morning. Another two pounds and my goal of getting into the 160's will be realized. I'd like to get to the mid 160's and maintain that for a while before moving on. I don't want to lose too fast. Besides, I just bought all those great clothes. They can see me through the season, and get a little baggy.

I have been eating more of a Kay Sheppard style diet. Avoiding the refined flours, and starches, and the sweets but not entirely. It is working so I will stick with it as long as I can. I avoid extremes, of anything. I had a fantastic workout on Saturday. Even though I was feeling tired that morning, I read Lori's post about going to the gym/pool and it inspired me. I had the best workout I have had in ages. This sinus condition still renders me tired and achy in the head but it feels like there may be some healing there as well.

I let go of a huge load of anger and fear in the past few days, and I believe there is a relationship between that and letting go of the pounds. It is a monumental moment for me to start losing again, and a major breakthrough with the emotions. I am working on changing my negative thoughts. I did an exercise today after having a revelation during my morning meditation. I realized that I had a set of "have to's" as I call them. In particular, about men, and others related to my parental relationships. There was a lot of fear living in those "have to's" so I made a list of all of them that came to mind on both topics. These are the things I want to let go and replace with others.

In the book I am working through (You Can Heal Your Life), Louise Hay has a great mental exercise. She pictures thoughts as a big buffet, with dishes and dishes of different thoughts. As we go through the buffet we can pick which ones we want. I have been listing what is on my buffet, old thoughts and then new ones. Soon, I will discard the old ones that make me sick. They don't even need to be on the menu. For now, I can pass them by and choose the ones that are good for me. Funny, a mental process to heal my thinking that is a food analogy. It works for food as well.

I also uncovered that my main fear was of myself, that I would not be able to set boundaries. In the past I did not have many boundaries. This also applies to food. I could not set limits with food, and I had a hard time setting limits in relationships with family, friends and men. There was a time when I did not know it was possible to have any or that I needed or wanted any. But I do want them today. And I believe I am capable of setting them.

It is a growing process that takes time. Sometimes I have a big leap, other times it it comes slowly. An important difference today is that I have the gift of patience. Patience with myself and the pace of my progress. I accept myself the way I am today. And, in doing that, I open the door to changes that make a brighter tomorrow.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My....

A cute boy asked me if I'd like to go out sometime. I said yes. I gave him my numbers. I have not dated in a year and a half. The thought startled me once it sank in. I was genuinely alarmed at the whole idea. The truth is I am not much into the idea of dating right now. Seems like a hassle. But there is something about this particular man. We have talked a couple of times while out with a group of other people and it feels like we could talk for hours. Yes, I'd like to go out with him sometime. Maybe not exactly now. It is nice that he asked. I toyed with the idea of him asking after the first time we talked. Sometimes there is an undeniable connection. The way some one's face lights up when they talk to me or the little zing that happens when their eyes are looking into my eyes. It happens maybe once every ten years or so for me.

But this Dorothy is not in Kansas anymore when it comes to men. I go way over the rainbow. I have been known to lose touch with reality.

Forget that, more about the boy. I have seen him twice and he captured my attention. In his white T-shirt and Levis, unpretentious and James Dean-ish. Sweet when he told me about his parakeet that had an extensive vocabulary, and his pot bellied pig that he had to give back because it became aggressive. Bright and thoughtful. There is something about his eyes. They are big and blue and they light up with enthusiasm when he speaks. And, he is almost sort of close to my age. I like the idea of getting lost in those eyes for hours listening to his stories,maybe on the riverfront outside a nice cafe. I'd also be content with our Friday night conversations, the rest of the group chattering in the background. Safe and cozy. I honestly don't feel up to a real date. A spark or two is okay but fireworks could freak me out.

Okay, that's all the boy talk. I have been a festering emotional sore for most of the week and it has begun to heal. Today I felt forgiveness coming over me and a softening. I owe some amends. I have been a jerk about a couple of things. Life is too short to be a jerk. My son wants to get married. I have fought the idea because of the circumstances, and the girl. Feeling superior and justified in my outrage. Wanting to control. I have to give it up. Those ways will kill me. So I am going to shop for rings instead. I will embrace his wishes and love him through it. Kicking and screaming I was. I surrender.

My eating has been sane for the past couple of days and in spite of sloppy eating earlier in the week I have lost a pound. I am pushing to keep it off for my Monday weigh-in so I can FINALLY officially get off this plateau. I wish I could frame it, that one little pound, like people used to frame the first dollar their business earned. It feels monumental, another first in a long series of firsts.

PS I can now link so these are the blogs I wanted to link earlier in the week:

Buela

Vickie

Grumpy

Helen

Belle

AFG

Lori

Jen

Daisy


There are more than five but these are the blogs I go to regularly and they all inspire me and make me think. The tagging game may be over by now but I am happy to have learned to link...

Marveling in the the Moment

(www.canonical.org/.../dad/Nature)


It has been hard to post this week. I have been trying to come up with words each night but end up deleting and starting over and then giving up. Sunday's crash was a big one. Somehow I believe it was a necessary step in my recovery to recognize painful things I have been avoiding.

I once dated a guy that described me as a calm in the middle of a storm. He described a nest in a tree and the tree being blown around, yet the nest and the bird stayed intact. Something like that. It was nice, but I remember being surprised at the idea of it. I don't always feel calm. Often lately I have felt scared, angry, sad, and sometimes a little outraged. Perhaps the calmness is on the outside but not always on the inside. Maybe I do calm things, steady things, stable things even when I feel like I am on the edge of sanity. Simple things like getting up and watering the flowers. I rarely take these things for granted. I used to feel silly about being grateful for getting out of bed in the morning, showing up for work or doing the dishes, those everyday things. I realize today that these things are the glue that holds me together when I feel like falling apart. No wonder I am grateful. It isn't silly to be grateful.

So the plan for today is to do each task with gratitude for the ability to do it. Staying in the moment and being thankful for it. No future projections or past reflections, just the here and now. Marveling in the moment.

It is time I learned to Link

I have been tagged by Daisy and Jen and now it is time for me to play the game. I am going to link (drumroll, please) to five (only 5??) blogs that make me think. So here I go. Oh, and once you are tagged, you do the same thing I am doing here. Link to blogs that make you think. I am really nervous about this linking thing. Silly, I know but I am behind the times.

The AFG was the beginning of my blogging experience. It got me started and inspired me to create my own. I read the individual blogs of Jen, Lori, Anne and Daisy, too.









Allright, I clicked on the link thing and meticulously put in URLs and they don't show up (see the blank space above, I am still waiting that they may appear by some delayed reaction...) so here's the URL's for my five: angryfatgirlz.blogspot.com, which includes all the authors and their individual blogs (I'm cheating, that's more than five when you add the rest), then there is thegrumpychairdieter.blogspot.com and baby-steps-v.blogspot.com and dearethel.blogspot.com and then bigassbelle.blogspot.com

If anyone wants to take pity on me and tell me what I am doing wrong with the link deal, I would appreciate the enlightenment...

Healing the Sickness

After having such a rough night last night I decided to take care of myself today the same way I would want a friend to take care of herself. I called in sick, I made a doctor's appointment and called my friend/therapist. The doctor's appointment was great. Even the scale, or maybe I should say especially the scale. It was down 20 pounds from the last time I was there over a year ago. I have always counted the doctor's office scale as one of my enemies.

The nurse practitioner is very kind. The first thing she said was about my weight loss. She was more excited about it than me. I told her I was taking it slow and she thought that was a good idea. I am being treated for a sinus infection, which I have probably had for a month or so, and I am going to get some blood work. The receptionist told me I had the prettiest hair she'd seen all day. She was so enthusiastic about my hair that I could not help feeling better. I am glad I went. It takes quite a bit of discomfort to get me to the doctor's office. After today I may not wait so long to go back. In fact, I may make it a point to go for some follow up.

I am going to do some work in my book to identify negative thoughts that I want overcome. After last night they are still fresh in my mind. I want to keep moving in a healthy direction, with my mind, my body, my spirit and whatever else makes up a human being.

I posted this flower last night. And tonight I was having such horrible dark thoughts that would not go away. I got up and got out the computer and I saw Jen's comment. About the flower. Just that one comment gave me a tad bit of hope in the darkest hour that I am having here. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it did. See, I got this book and yesterday I read in it for a while. It is about changing thoughts and I read about how many people struggle with the core feeling of not being good enough. I felt optimistic yesterday. Today was another story. We took my grandson to get the camp bus and that went okay. Then we went to the prison to see my son. There is where the darkness set in. I have been going to prisons to see the people I love for many years now. I think about 12. A long and sad story. Some visits are better than others. I don't think the details matter. I left feeling worse than I have felt in a very long time. Sometimes I expect to feel lousy after a prison visit. Today must have caught me off guard. You know the worst thing is that I thought about that book and about people feeling like they are not good enough. I thought to myself, those people only think they are not good enough. I truly am not good enough. And I will never be good enough. None of my optimism and none of anything I do or have ever done could bring me out of this deep well of sadness. Nothing. I was wondering if I could even get through the night. I do not know if it is possible to feel any sadder than this. I honeslty hope not. but Jen's comment was a little spark of light. The roses are in my garden, they came up by the fence. I really appreciate you guys. You are like the flowers that come up in my garden. I did not plant them, they just came up by themselves. And add some beauty to my life.

No More Droopy Drawers

I had to do it. I couldn't take it anymore. The size 14 stretch capris that have seen me through I don't know how many summers just won't do it this year. It's the saggy, baggy backside that gets to me the most. I feel like I don't know what's in there. Is it big, is it little? I want to know what my rear end looks like. So today, on my "me" day, I shopped. It did not go so well at first. The styles I tried looked clownish, freakish, and bizarre. Then there was a style that I thought "no way" about, that I tried out of desperation. I loved them. I don't know what to call them, cargo-ish, just below the knee, khaki. I instantly knew they were right for me and I got them in dark brown. I bought a shirt to go with them and I was on my way. I had a pedicure and a hair appointment and now I had an something to wear.

After my pedicure and haircut, I returned to shopping. One pair was not enough. I wanted more. I wanted denim, and I wanted other colors. I bought a khaki green in the same style I bought earlier, and two stretch denim capris that worked. I was amazed. It takes more time now to find things that work, but they are out there. It is so nice now to have things that fit and fit snug. Even if I lose more weight, they will still fit for a while . The baggy butt was getting sad for me. I feel perky now.

One thing I realized today, is that I still struggle with guilt over doing things for me. Things that cost money. Things that are not necessary. A pedicure could be considered necessary and so could a haircut, but for me they are a luxury item. But why can't I have a luxury? This age old dilemma got me to the bookstore. A friend has been recommending You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay for quite some time. I took a look at it today and decided it is for me. I even paid an extra three bucks for the beautiful gift edition. I want to do the mental exercises. I want to heal the me that still feels secret guilt at shopping for herself, getting her hair done, getting her feet done, and so on. I want that more now than ever in my life. It is all connected. The overeating, the guilt, the unworthy, undeserving feelings. I want to get at the core of it. I think I can now.

I also bought a collector's issue of a magazine called Oxygen. It is dedicated to abs training for women. The lady on the cover looks kind of scary to me in that body builder sort of way, but I felt inspired paging through it, so I got it. I deserve great abs. Right? Then I when to the religious section and got a spiritual book that I have wanted for maybe two years. I take my time buying books these days. I used to buy them impulsively and not read them. Now I wait until time has passed and I still want them.

So no more droopy drawers, and hopefully no more guilty feelings about getting new things. I have to work on that part, though, along with my abs!

Sleep and Consistency

I have been consistent this week with the same breakfast and lunch. There is something comforting about that. And easy. I have my frozen, individual servings of lentils that I grab everyday for lunch, and I brought a five day supply of oats to work on Monday to measure out for breakfast each day. It is so much easier to stick to a stable diet when I don't have to figure out what to make every morning and what to pack for lunch. I want to see if this method will translate into a loss for me soon.

Last night I went to bed at a decent hour and this morning I stayed in bed longer. I was determined to get a good block of sleep and I believe I did. I was getting moody and feeling tired all the time from lack of rest. I feel better today but a little groggy.

Over the weekend I bought a blood pressure monitor. I had been feeling dizzy and had a headache. That combined with the anxiety I had been feeling made me want to check on the blood pressure. It was not high at all. In fact a tad on the low side. Maybe that's why I feel so tired. My BP has always been on the low side but it started creeping up when I was around 200 lbs.

What I am striving for this week is some consistency with my diet with easy meals to follow that require little effort on my part during the work week. On the weekends I can get creative and put more time into it maybe, but during the busy work week it has to be easy. I am also making sleep a priority since it was deficient over the weekend.

I am taking off for Friday and planning my own little Mental Health Day. I am thinking a pedicure, a leisurely trip to the bookstore, or a museum, maybe some nature experience in there as well. But a good night's sleep is a must.

Speaking of musts, I must get to work so I can finish enough projects to take Friday off!!

The Tortoise Finds Her Strength

After my mini post below I decided to at least walk the dog, which made him very happy. We took a brisk walk up and down a couple of hills, a half an hour perhaps. He lunged at a jogger to my surprise - and the jogger's, too. Then I did my weights for upper body and a few abs. I have no idea where the energy came from, but I think it had something to do with my acceptance below of my slow and steady progress. I was willing to go to bed but felt a simple spark of inspiration that got me out in the cool, fresh night air. I love the way it smells in my neighborhood, so woodsy. And I love walking after dark.

Now I must go to bed for sure.

Tired Tortoise

I am plain worn out. My weekend was busy, and sleepless basically. What bothers me most about being so tired is that I don't feel up to exercise. I have had a fairly good day with food. And my weight has been stable. Each week I have passed through a low number but it goes back up prior to weigh in day. Weird, but I think I am approaching that lower number in my own tortoise style. You know, the tortoise won the race at his slow, slow pace. I can't remember what happened to the hare, did he get off track, over confident? Did he run away, fall asleep? Maybe that analogy can work for me. I was a panda in my earlier post, now I am the tortoise. Slow and steady wins the race.

I think I should go to bed and sleep this one off...