Post Electronics Binge

I am happy to report I am finished with my electronics buying binge. The grand finale was ordering a customized laptop that I am now looking forward to, instead of stressing over. It was more intense than buying a car, and maybe even like a mini-version of buying a house. It was educational. Even though my last computer purchase was only two and a half years ago, things have changed in processors, and of course now I want wireless internet access so I can work from the coffee shop.

I have lost a pound since my pre-Thanksgiving weigh-in. Which is really a nice mood booster for me today. Losing a pound during a week that included a major eating holiday is a miracle for an eater like me. And, a woman at work commented something about me getting "skinny" today. It helps to hear these things and get some feedback because I feel like I have barely put a dent in the weight I need to lose. I do believe, though, that I am moving into the next phase of my weightloss path, taking off another chunk of it. I

have not been very interested in food the past few days, and had attributed this phenomenon to my obsession with picking out electronics. Even though some of it was stressful I did not stress eat. I think I was a step beyond stress eating, where I actually (if you can believe this) don't eat when stressing. I have been using my protein shakes to make sure I get my nutrition, and, don't get me wrong, I have been eating, just less, and thinking about it less. I hope to hang onto this less food/less thinking of food state of mind even now that the shopping binge is over. I am looking forward to a happy balance now - and to Christmas when we can begin to enjoy the fruits of my shopping labor.


We are in the midst of an ice storm today so school for my daughter let out early and I left work early to work from home. I love snowy days where I can look out from my warm window at the snow covering the trees and ground. Even though this is ice right now, it has covered the ground with white and glazed the trees. Snow is anticipated for tonight, maybe up to 8 inches. I hope it does not do too much damage, but I am enjoying it right now and hoping for the electricity to stay on. I had the urge to get goodies when I stopped by the store for supplies. But instead I bought some really beautiful, juicey oranges, and some tastey looking soups.

I am grateful today that I bought four new tires for the car on Monday. I felt prepared for the ice storm today. And, I got my furnace serviced last night - just a cleaning but I received an unexpected benefit. The man who serviced it accidently did something that shorted out the circuit board and ingniter (I now know what these things are) and as a result he had to install new ones - for free! So my furnace was enhaced by his mistake. Now I can run the furnace knowing it is in good condition. It's a new home-owner thing with me, laying in bed at night hearing the furnace squeak and thinking its going to break and cost me a huge amount of money. That weight is now lifted.

Enough rambing on. I hope to settle into my normal routine now and catch up reading everyone's blogs!

Post Thanksgiving

I have been home two days and have not gotten caught up on anything. Housework, work at the office, blogging, etc. My daughter got sick during our getaway and Monday she was in bad shape, with an ear infection. I had to work from home that day and take her to the doctor, get meds, and nurse her back to health. My holiday went well, though. And for the first time in I can't remember, I did not get that uncomfortable too-full feeling after having Thanksgiving dinner. It was really nice. I ate what I liked and did not feel deprived but I did not overdo it with extra servings. I even took a long break between dinner and dessert, making a trip into "town" with my father on a quest for more sparkling apple cider. I did have pie, my Mom makes great pie. But I did not keep going after that. I was lucky not to turn it into an all nighter. Maybe the pie set the wheels in motion for my later encounter with the granola bars on Friday night after I got to the cabin for the second part of our four day weekend. But that's all over now. It was a nice weekend. I noticed that my portions of food are smaller now, with less effort. That is a nice feeling. But I am getting back into my routine now, and I am finding less struggle with food this week. I think anytime I eat certain foods I take a risk of going into full binge mode, and continuing for days with more food. I may get to the point where I no longer take the chance. This weekend I was not at that point yet, and I am glad I survived without any major consequences.
Right now I am obsessed with electronics. I have shopped cameras, Ipods and now I am looking into a new laptop for me. I don't want to spend a whole lot but I have already ruled out the low-end. Hoping to find something reasonable that meets my needs. Shopping electronics stresses me out. There are so many specs and so many choices. And I get on a mission, and can't stop thinking of it until I finally make my decision. I am trying to slow down on the laptop purchase so I don't make a hastey mistake. Maybe that's why I am not eating much, I have found a substitute to obsess over!

catching up

I have not been able to post in the past few days. And I have little time today. Things have been stressful but I am happy to say that I am not responding to the stress with extra food. It feels weird. My dinner may have been a little bigger last night but that was the end of it, and I did not go on to eat all evening or anything like I used to do. I can get through more of Tae Bo without getting sore. And I am feeling pretty stable on the food. I have found myself craving salt, though and feeling extra thirsty. Not sure what that is about. Thanksgiving is almost here and my Mom is having a turkey breast instead of the entire bird, at my suggestion for a number of reasons. There will be some traditional stuff, but there will be good choices for a person wanting to not overdo it. That person being me, of course. But I plan to enjoy the dinner without turning it into a weekend long episode of over indulgence so there will be things I will most likely choose to avoid entirely.

I am looking forward to a bit of a retreat this weekend. I am planning to go to my friend's guest house in the country after our visit to my parent's house. So I will be away from all computers and not even have cell phone reception for a couple of days I hope. Need some bonding time with my daughter who has had a few negative reports from school. We have been clashing on some social activity issues and how much freedom she should have. So a few days together without distractions can provide some strength to our relationship. That's the goal anyway.

The clothes I ordered came and I have to send something back for being too big - when does that happen?? That was nice. And the other stuff fit just right, being one size smaller than I used to get, and I was happy with how things looked. So things are looking up but I am not going to think my work is complete and go back to eating bags of mircowave popcorn laying in front of the TV. I am not even halfway to goal yet. But its nice to see some progress and not sabatoge it.

I am hanging in there and staying focused on progress. Hope everyone has a great Holiday!!!

Bake Sale

My company had a bake sale today to raise money for our adopted family for the holidays. I made a decision to donate money without taking any baked goods. This gives the donation and keeps more baked goods for them to sell. Sheesh, does the food ever stop showing up around here? At least it is downstairs in a room where I never go. Far away. I am too focused on my Thanksgiving goal (giving myself a little more weight loss to be thankful for) to get side tracked by this latest congretation of goodies. The Halloween candy basket finally ran dry at the end of last week.

I snuck and weighed early because I was too curious and I was a pound lighter this morning so I am now moving into new weight loss territory. This is very encouraging and helps me stick to my resolve. I should be able to see a number I have not seen in six years pretty soon.......very exciting. No bake sale is going to stand in my way!!!!!!

When all else fails, drink lots of water

I am drinking extra water today to literally flush away my excesses of yesterday. We have coolers of spring water at the office and I am making good use of it. Water is important every day but especially today.

I visited http://www.betterwayhealth.com/drinking-water.asp about the benefits of water and it said that water can:

Improve Your Energy
Increase Your Mental and Physical Performance
Remove Toxins & Waste Products from your body
Keep Skin Healthy and Glowing
Help You Lose Weight
Reduce Headaches and Dizziness
Allow for proper Digestion
Help to keep you more Alkaline

And, about weight loss and water, it said:

"Water is a natural appetite suppressant, so developing a good water drinking habit can be a long-term aid in achieving and maintaining a healthy weight. Doctor F. Batmanghelidj MD, author of "Your Body's Many Cries For Water" says most times your “hunger” is your body asking for water – not food. It's also important to remember that when the body is dehydrated, fat cells get "rubbery" and cannot be easily metabolized. This means that it's harder to lose when you don't drink your water."

So, here's to drinking plenty of water. That's my goal for the day.

Habits

It's a rainy morning and I'd love to stay in bed. But I am up and ready for work. My morning meditation reading was more about truth. So I am going to spend the day being honest with myself. And if tempted, think it through to the end result. I am not feeling very inspired. But wanted to check in and say something. I felt a little more energy this morning as a result of being a little lighter in weight, and that was nice.

I liked what Grumpy commented on my last night's post. She told me of one of her habits that was hard to give up. Seeing other people go through the same thing as me really does help. It reminded me that the things I do once in a while now are things I used to do daily. So that's progress, right?

Pollution

Yesterday I made it through the day of extra stress without diverting from my plan. But when evening came, and I got my car back, and the day was over, I ended up blowing it all with one of my comfort/binge foods - popcorn. That downward spiral carried over to today, where I repeated the same pattern, stay on plan all day and then blow it in the evening. It's like a post stress eating. I am pissed that I did it. But I am determined that this day be the end of it. It does not have to turn into another failed day or a week of bad days. So instead of brooding in bed about it I got up to write about it.

Maybe I need to wrap this post up and read someone else's blog. For inspiration. My meditation reading for today was about being exposed to the truth about ourselves and others when we come out of the fog of overeating. So the question for me today is what was I trying to avoid, or "fog" out by eating today and yesterday? What reality can I face instead of reaching for those old foods, foods I ate when I was 200 pounds, foods that got me to 206 or over and kept me in that range for years. For me today it is worse to wear a false armour of fat than to simply face some of the unpleasant realities of life. I'd rather look at my tapped finances, my aging body, my flawed family, and so on than to continue to be overstuffed and angry. I just don't want to pollute myself anymore. I feel polluted right now. So I am drinking water to flush it all out. I feel poisoned.

I made a commitment to be honest. So honest I am.

Nervous Nelly

I had to put my car in the shop this morning. It was making scary noises all weekend. I wanted to be proactive and not wait until I was stranded on the side of some highway to get if fixed. So I am at home waiting for them to call. I have no internet access to my work files and e-mails like I normally have. Something to do with a system upgrade over the weekend. So I am not in touch with anyone unless they call. So far, no nervous eating in response to this. But I feel a bit out of sorts. Car problems make me feel vulnerable. But this time it is going pretty smooth.

I still feel nervous. Sometimes when the pounds are coming off and I am eating less, I get a little on edge. I did not fall asleep easily last night. If I have coffee, it effects me more than usual. I find myself worrying in bed about things. My father's memory loss and confusion. My daughter's teenage adjustments. My changing body. The what if's creep in. My meditation for the day was about anxiety. And how when we ate in response to it in the past, we never really faced it or worked through it. That is what I am going through. Not having the diversion or comfort of food, I am faced with the raw emotions, and the nervousness of anxiety. It takes effort on my part to ask myself what is really bothering me at the moment, and what if anything I can do about it. But I am willing to make those efforts today.

I just wish they'd hurry up and fix my car.

Weight Loss Fears

I have a few fears associated with weight loss. One, of course, is that I won't be able to do it. Then, there is the fear that when I lose, I will look older. The chub seems to fill in wrinkles. When the chub goes, will I be more wrinkled? And, what will my body look like? I know what it looked like before, but I don't expect it to look like it did years ago. I have aged, will I look my age, or older? I am willing to take the chance of finding out, though. And, I suppose I can always gain weight again if I don't like it. I know how to do that, too.

Today's Weigh-in

I am happy to report that as of today I have lost back the few pounds I gained in my slumping around. Now I am ready to enter new territory. It is a real milestone for me to not give up, and get back to business. My old pattern established in the past 6 years was to lose some, and gain it all back plus more, then foget the whole thing and feel bad about myself.

But that was then and this is now. I am plodding on. I think I will celebrate with my new friend Tae Bo Billy so I can be sore for a day or two and feel like I really did something for my body. I am also pulling my winter clothes from the closet and looking forward to a feeling of looseness in some if not all of them. Since I wore something tight around the waste, and most of them just barely fit, I should get by with them this winter. But I am ordering a few things from a catalogue today as well. Just some camisoles, lace tanks, and pretty things to wear under blouses and sweaters. A sweater, a blouse. And a jacket. Mostly to help my wardrobe last another season. I don't want to buy much in my in-between size, but then I do not like walking around in baggy things, either because it gives me that feeling of bigness.

Thanks to all for comments - they really help. I can't do this alone!!

Me and Tae Bo Billy

Last night I tried out my Tae Bo workout videos. Wow. What a workout! I could not do the "double time" and did not finish the entire workout, but boy did I feel it, and feel like I got a good workout. I did most of the cardio circuit 1 video, but like I said, had limitations with the double time and some other parts. I started the abs workout and did some of it and then stopped. All together I worked out for a half an hour. I like Billy Blanks. It's cardio on speed. And I have to do it at my pace for now. The workout moves my body in ways I have not been moving, and works the abs like never before. I like that.

I also like what he says during the video. He's an encouraging guy. And I like that approach. So I am going to stick with Billy for now, and not be discouraged if I lag behind. I am thinking that Tae Bo Billy in the morning would be good, and then gym in the evenings. Billy makes the gym seem like relaxation. I'd suggest Billy for anyone who feels stuck in their workouts or weight loss program.

That's my workout video review. As for the eating less part of my program - last night I had my first Medifast shake as my last "meal" of the day (I had a salad with lean meat for dinner) and am happy to report that I did not feel like eating the rest of the night. I like the shakes because they are low in sugar, contain 14 grams of protien and an assortment of other nutrients. Plus, they actually taste good. Since evenings are my hardest time of the day it was a true accomplishment to not even feel like eating. Maybe it had to do with my date with Tae Bo Billy, or both. I'm just grateful for whatever it is.

Something to be Thankful For

It is two weeks until Thanksgiving. I decided to give myself something else to be thankful for this year. I am going to stick to my program and see what kind of results I have at the end of the two weeks. I have lots of things I am thankful for already. But I want to somehow put my weight struggle over with the things to be grateful for. Have a little victory to celebrate. Tuesday night I did a little mindless eating while watching the election results. But yesterday I was able to recover from that by sticking to my eating plan. I was way too tired,though, after getting only a few hours of sleep to exercise even though the Tae Bo videos arrived. I will break them out tonight.

I am still losing the few pounds that I gained during my slump but I should be able to break new weight loss ground soon.

I will end this rambling with a little part of a meditation I read this morning:

We are just where we need to be today. The experiences that we meet are like points on the map of our journey. Some of them are rest stops. Others resemble high-speed straight-aways. The journey to our destination is not always smooth, but the more we let God sit in the driver's seat, the easier will be our ride.

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone. She was venting about her job which has been frustrating her for months. She is stressed out at work most of the time and then after work the stress comes home with her. (Maybe it has to do with those Blue Monster energy drinks..) But I realized when she asked me how my day had been that I had already forgotten about my workday, which at the time had been quite bad in my opinion. In fact, I had felt really stressed and frustrated in the afternoon. I attribute my pleasant amnesia to the fact that I had gone to the gym and worked out at around 6:30 p.m. It gave me a feeling of success and gave me that high I get from the cardio. I also do some prayer and meditation while I am on the cardio equipment.

It was really amazing to realize that the stress had melted away without me even trying or thinking of it. Today is a new day, and the same projects are sitting on my desk. They will be taken care of. They always are. I hope I keep up the working out because I already feel the benefits. My body feels better, and so does my mind.

Post Halloween Candy Baskets and Other Thoughts

There's a candy basket at work by our printer. Everyday someone brings in their leftover Halloween candy and fills it back up. This has been going on since Halloween, and before Halloween as a matter of fact. I disposed of all of my candy the night of Halloween. Unfortunately some of it was "disposed" to my thighs, belly or rear end. I am not quite sure. I'd like to dump that basket in the trash every day until they are all out of their stuff. But some people, not me, can eat a piece or two without consequence. And I suppose they deserve their treat.

I have been abstaining from the basket now. I have the "it's not an option" attitude going again instead of the insane "I'll just have one" state of mind. I feel safe in the not-an-option zone. When I am in the other zone I feel nervous. Nervous isn't fun anymore. It isn't excitement, its just plain nervous. Maybe I got the two mixed up and somehow enjoyed the nervousness thinking it was excitement but right now I am opting for the calm.

Somebody dumped a bag of Milk Duds in the basket today. Milk Duds are sticky and hard for me to eat, and they are really bad for the teeth. I can't even use the "I'll bring a few home for Haley" insane excuse because she has braces and Milk Duds are bad for braces. I like the visual image of dumping them in the trash. I am going to use that every time I think of them. It’s just a mental picture of all of them pouring out of the basket and into the trash. And then, a mental picture of myself, buying new, skinny fitting clothes.

I read some short little readings over the weekend about goal setting using pictures and visualization. So I am practicing that today. I may even cut pictures out of magazines and make one of those little scrap books. I am willing to try anything positive right now. I have a goal weight now, it's 145. I picked it because that is what my driver's license says and I am tired of living a lie. I have lied about my weight ever since gaining it all. I lied on those online dating profiles - anything from "a few extra pounds" I think 40 or 50 is more than a few - to "athletic" They don't say what sport do they? - or average... voluptuous. So I have goal weight and I can visualize what it might look like, too. Today it's about 43 pounds away. But I am picturing happy milestones along the way. Like what the face of my scale will look like when it shows a new number I have not seen in about 6 or 7 years, like something, anything in the 170's. And I can picture going on a canoe trip in the spring. Last time I went in a canoe, the water was low and I had to keep getting out so it would not drag. My end dragged bottom. It was telling. I am going to start a journal of goals with mental pictures and find real pictures to match up. Then I will look at it at least once per day

Right now I better picture getting some work off my desk.

Sunday night

Funny things have been going on with my postings. I posted Friday night about working out at the gym and some other things, but when I got on here tonight that posting was gone. ??? And it looks like Jen may have read it because I said something about my grandson and she commented on it. I have an 11 year old grandson. Amazing as it is. I have gotten used to being called Grandma by someone almost as tall as me!!

My weekend worked out well. I went to the gym again today and felt really great after working out. I stuck with my food plan, so it was an encouraging day. I also found out that the gym opens at 5 a.m. so I can go in the mornings even with our earlier hours. 5 a.m. sounds scary but I may make it just a little before six. Even if I just do some cardio in the morning it would really boost my mood and benefit my body. I like the option of being able to go in the morning instead of the evening because sometimes evenings just don't work out.

It feels good to be out of my slump.

Ready for Action

Last night my exercise video catalogue came in the mail I have not ordered from them in years, but it came, and right after I had been contemplating getting a new workout for home. Since I have not been going to the gym I will bring the gym to me. I got online this morning and ordered two new videos. Tae bo, one for cardio and one for abs. I'm excited about this. I know I have plenty of videos gathering dust on the shelf but I want to try something new. Ordered Medifast shakes, because I want to do a two week trial of a plan that includes them. I want the calculated protein, vitamins, etc. and I don't want to have to think for some of my meals. I just want it there, ready to use. I have been fascinated by the idea of substituting some meals with liquid nutrition lately, don't know why but decided to do a two week experiment.

We will see what materializes out of this experimentation and planning, but until it all comes in the mail in 5 to 7 business days I will need to do my standard plan, and dust of the old videos and just get my workout clothes on and go to the gym. I am looking forward to mixing things up a bit for exercise. Today I feel ready for a change and ready for action.

Today I let myself sleep an extra hour. I felt very energetic driving to work. And optimistic. My breakfast was delicious. I took a half of a cup of rolled oats, just about a third or a little less of a cup of lowfat milk, and one small jonathan apple cut into reasonably small peices and microwaved it all together for about 3.5 minutes. I love the combination of apples and oats. It did not need any sweetening. A wholesome combination for a chilly fall morning. Now I have my spicey chai hot tea with a tablespoon of nonfat dry milk to make it creamy. I love the smell of chai tea. It's aromatherapy.

I feel really good today. Even though I have been see-sawing with the food, and I gained a few pounds back, I reminded myself that I am still a little better off than last fall, and I choose to see the progress today instead of the failures. I put on a sweater I had not worn yet. I braced myself for the bulges but it looked okay, better than I thought it would. Yesterday I let myself feel every negative feeling about my eating, lack of exercise, and so on. It was like a purging of sorts. So today I feel clearer, cleaned out, ready to face the day.

My morning reading included this statement:

I have faith. That thing that makes the world seem right. That thing that makes sense at last.

I feel like I have a little more faith this morning. And I am grateful for that.

Blue Monster Diet

Last night I got a call from a good friend of mine. During the converstation she mentioned she had lost 14 pounds in six weeks. I did not even know she was trying to lose and I asked how she did it. She said she drinks lots of water and Blue Monster energy drinks and then eats things like pizza, pasta and they have big Barbeques every Sunday. I marveled at the whole thing. Maybe Blue Monster energy drinks are like the old icky diet pills I used to use in my twenties that made me really nervous but I did not eat. I don't know. Something tells me the Blue Monster Diet would not work for me.

It sounds so simple for some people. They just don't eat in the evening, or they cut back to the basic three meals a day and cut out snacks, and the pounds melt off. I guess that's the difference with me. I found myself feeling kind of mad that I can't just drink some Blue Monsters and lose 14 pounds. But I think I am starting to indulge in some self pity. And that's a real dangerous place for me. I found a Group that meets on Tuesdays at 6 p.m. that is not too far from where I live, maybe 15 miles. I never saw it before in the directory so maybe it's new. But next week I plan to go. It seems like a long way off right now.

I found myself sitting at home alone last night for the first time ever on a holiday as far as I can recall. I did not plan anything for myself, not thinking it was a big deal. My daughter had plans with all her friends so she left at around 4 pm. It was a long evening with me and the bowl of candy. At first the fear of running out was the only thing that kept me from having any. I realize that now I have slowly slipped away from having any social life at all. I did not notice it so much when my daughter was home more and we did more things together but with her increased social life with the teenage years upon us, I am caught off guard.

So from Blue Monsters to Blue Mom I am not sure where this post is going, but one thing I decided is I want to find a Group to join, so I don't feel so isolated.