Taking a Moment

I am taking a moment to savor my new home. I am in my room, propped up in bed, with my swollen ankle iced and elevated on pillows. I have my coffee and water on a bedside table, and a salad next to me for nourishment. There is a soft rain falling and my window is open to let in the breeze. My ceiling fan is gently circulating the fresh air. There are birds singing outside and when I look out I see the leaves budding on the tree outside my window.

I have slowed down. Everything can wait for now. Enough is taken care of for this moment. I can enjoy the fruits of the hard labor of the recent past. It is magnificent and splendid. I dressed nicely this morning to drive my daughter to school. No one would see me really, but I wanted to feel clean and pretty, having been grungy and grimy for days. Now I have put on a soft silky pastel (breaking the fat dressing rules) nightgown and robe. Just to feel pampered. I am so happy, in fact I am beyond happy.

I have my pad and pen for making the to do list, which will be shorter, and not mandatory for today. Just a list so I have it on paper and out of my head. But for now, even the list can wait. This is a moment for gratitude. A moment for peace in having had a miraculous accomplishment. Sometimes we miss the little miracles in life because we move on to the next task at hand, or at least I do. But not this time. I am not missing this one. It is one of the strongest acts of faith I have experienced.

I read a meditation before this post. I want to share it because it applies to all of us so much -

Friday, March 30, 2007


You are reading from the book Today's Gift

Come stand by my side where I'm going, Take my hand if I stumble and fall, It's the strength that you share when you're growing, That gives me what I need most of all.--Hoyt

The bear cub was miserable. Her father, the leader of the pack, had left a month ago to find them winter shelter and had not yet returned. Everyone went on as if nothing had changed.One evening the cub had a dream in which her father appeared and said, "Daughter, I know you grieve for me, but your burden is too heavy to carry alone. Share it with the others and let them comfort you. Sharing will only lighten your load, and if you can accept help now you will find it easier to give when others are in need."The next morning the little cub woke with a much lighter heart. As it turns out, everyone in the pack shared the same dream. There was much hugging and crying and reaching out and healing.We can easily lighten our loads by asking support from those who love us, knowing our turn to help will come.What help can I ask for today?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

For a long time I struggled alone. But the more I share my struggles and joys with others, the greater things I can accomplish. I have more help today than I ever had in my entire life.

Thanks everybody!!!

Mirrors

I know I have mentioned this a few times now but this new home has mirrors that show so much more of me. Not just my closet mirrors, but my bathroom mirror is big and I can see all the way down to my knees at least or more. I am confronted with myself all the time now. It is a good thing, too. It is the first time I have really been able to check out my body since I lost some weight. At first I was taken aback at the flab, and the remaining fat. And how out of shape I am. But now, I am taking more of an inventory, an assessment. I am seeing what I have to work with as I move into a new phase. This is a new phase of exercise. I have room to exercise in my bedroom upstairs, so I can have privacy. I am joining the gym for two workouts a week there. As soon as this ankle gets better I can walk the hilly streets around my lovely neighborhood.

I have a body to work with. It is smaller. It needs work, but it has potential to be stronger, leaner. I am looking forward to more changes.

Right now I have a range of emotions. My grandson went to spend a couple of days with his Mom for the first time since he came to live with me. I have a lot of feelings around that, fear being prominent. I have been working so intense on the house and now that I have wrapped that up except for one hard to fit mini blind, I can sort some feelings out. Catch up with myself a bit.

Beula reminded me that I don't have to get all my unpacking done so fast. I took an extra day off tomorrow so I can have a day where I am not in a non-stop mode of "getting things done." I don't have a real deadline for when I have to be unpacked and set up here. I want to take it easy, or at least easy compared to the past few weeks, or rather, the past couple of month.

I feel like a bomb when off and blew me into a completely different dimension. I feel like I am in shock right now. Rest is mandatory.

But these mirrors, they are becoming my allies, another tool to use. They tell the truth in a picture, a visual image of where I am today.

And today, I am in a much better place.....on January 12th I made declaration that I would move and get my daughter into a better neighborhood, and a better school. I became willing to do whatever it took, and I was willing to live in a smaller house or even an apartment. But here I am in a bigger, better place. More than enough. And the school is wonderful. It is miraculous to me that this all came together in such a short time. So I need to catch my breath.

The mirrors whisper to me about abstinence. It is on the horizon. If I am as willing about that effort as I was about moving, I believe I will be amazed at the results.
And I have these mirrors to hold me accountable.

One more day

One more day of preparing the old house and then I will be finished for now. I hand over the keys at 6pm tomorrow. My grandson goes to his mother's for the first time since he has come to live with me in January. I am nervous. she wants to come here and see the place. She has been known to steal from her own mother. I just do not want her here. but I am taking things a day at a time, a minute at a time and she is not here. My friend cleaned the carpets while I cleaned other things and prepped for the carpet cleaning. It was a grimey day. I had lost a pound this morning. Maybe from dehydration but I will take it any way I can get it right now. I tried to eat regular meals. My friend brought me breakfast, a high calorie breakfast sandwich but it was great and I needed a substantial meal. I ate a salad for dinner/lunch. But took the kids for ice cream and had a mini blizzard for the first time in maybe a year. I know I should have gotten the small cone but I enjoyed it and that is over now. I worked really hard all day. I was sweaty and grimey cleaned yard waste, cut more grass, cleaned out some icky shed items . Piled up trash. I only have the bathrooms and the kitchen floor tomorrow. A couple of cabinets here and there. I think that is all. It will be great to be finished. My handyman is coming tomorrow to do odds and ends. I hope he gets it all finished. I feel like I am almost finished....and even though I am really wiped out it feels good. We moved the cats and birds tonight. I brought the cats and I took the kids back for the birds. One cat has something wrong with her, and I had to get a pee sample of all things in the midst of all the cleaning etc. I quarentined her in a bathroom and I will spare the details of how I got what I needed. Just one more item to add to the to do list. But kitty needs to be taken care of. I even got minor car repairs done while we cleaned. and ran through the car wash. Wow, it was quite a productive day. I enjoyed the cleaning. I thought of how good it was for me to do such a cleaning job. all the exercise and the feeling of accomplishement. I felt good about getting the house ready for someone like me, a single mom who wants a better home for her kids. I like that. I am sitting here marveling of how much was accomplished today. It is truly amazing. We even stopped by storage and grabbed some things. And, I did the change of address, and I did the shopping at the hardware store for the handyman's to do list. I started at around eight thirty in the morning after dropping my daughter off, and I am just finishing my day now at midnight, so no wonder so much was accomplished.

What a ramble. But it is good to sum up a big day like this and see how much has been finished. My daughter is so good with the birds. We had to tranfer them to a smaller cage so it would fit in the car. She made us stay outside but I peeked in the window, she is really a pro. One little finch got loose but she caught it. Speaking of birds I better go give them food and water. I have to bring home the big cage in peices tomorrow.

And sleep, maybe I will get six hours tonight if I hurry up. Still have to pack for grandson.

Bye bye

Quickie Post

I have internet access now at the new place. But it had to be a temporary work around arrangement. The cable outlets upstairs were only teasing me. They were not actually functional, like all of the phone jacks, except one. The jacks are all fixed but the cable is more complicated and I have to get a permission letter from the condo association. But we got the cable outlet by the fireplace to work and my wireless router lets me use my laptop. Anyway, details, lots of details to take care of. I sprained my ankle, and I closed my hand in the car door. The sprain was awful for two days, but I used a homeopathic gel, arnica - and the ankle got better, so when the hand got slammed I got out the arnica immediately. Not sure if I am spelling it right. But it works. good. I have not lost weight, I have not gained weight. So that is okay with me. My body looks real icky in my eight foot tall mirrors that show everything and more. So I am very motivated to work out. For now I am getting a workout every day with cleaning the old house, cleaning the new house and still bringing loads of odds and ends. Does shopping count as a workout??

Okay I have to get sleep. tomorrow we clean the carpets = five rooms total. I am doing it myself with the help of a friend.

I love my new home. I am looking forward to when I am finished prepping the old house so I can just live here and move on with my life. My daughter loves the school. My grandson starts next week.

Hope to get back to blogs soon.

Bring it on (again)

I went to work yesterday, fueled by coffee, and had a pretty good day, but this morning it caught up with me, because in reality I am still sick. So I woke up feeling the illness upon me. But that's not all. I was blessed this morning with "that time of the month" which for me, at 48 in the beginnings of "the change" has not occurred since last November. I was thinking that was all over (ah, if only life were that simple, right?). What timing! The day before the move starts, and in the midst of this virus, I get an added bonus. I guess the only thing to do now is to invoke the "bring it on" attitude again. And take plenty of anti-inflammatory. I had been feeling like I was having PMS, but then who could tell with all the other factors. I used to have severe PMS, eat everything in sight, tubs of ice cream, enter the depths of despair and spend the rest of the month recovering from it. I am glad those days are gone. Exercise and diet changes helped with that eventually. Maybe I can blame my weekend meltdown episode on the PMS....

Anyway, onward. I have one more day at the office, one school enrollment, one parent teacher conference (we are staggering these things) one or two calls to the mortgage company, one call to the insurance company, one call to the guy who fixes things, and then some scurrying around tonight to make sure the air conditioner guy can access the furnace when he comes tomorrow at 8 a.m. to check things out. Oh, did I mention the AC did not work yesterday? And it was hot upstairs. So I am getting it serviced before I move. I love spending money on the house (not really but I am trying to convince myself) - it is a tax write off. I just keep repeating, "it's a tax write off, it's a tax write off" over and over again. So, those are things to do today. Does it sound like too much? It's a full day for sure but maybe not too much. I guess I will prepare dinner in there somewhere, too.

I am excited, really. To be off of work for a week is great no matter what. And to get moved finally, is quite exciting. I will be shopping for a couch somewhere in this. And shopping, is always fun. Sure, I wish I felt better, but then all of this activity will no doubt distract me from how lousy I actually feel. There is always a bright side to look at. Maybe I can blame the couple of lingering extra pounds from my insane gain (right after I was complimented on weight loss - do we see some emotional deal there, maybe??) on the PMS. I think I will blame everything on the PMS, just because I can. What the heck, I don't get to do it very often any more so let's get all the mileage we can out of it.

One thing I won't be doing is lying, or laying on the couch eating ice cream - that's an old "that time of the month" tradition I abandoned in favor of weight loss. I don't have time. And another thing I won't be doing is grabbing high calorie fast food, maybe low calorie fast food, but not fatty, dangerous stuff. So, bring it all on, the moving, the packing, the lifting, the vacuuming, the cleaning, the final bagging of yard waste, the red tape phone calls, the little unanticipated glitches and snafus, the mood swings, the cramps, the appetite, the unpacking, the losing and finding of things, the final cutting of the grass at the old house, the cleaning out of the icky shed, the cleaning of the bird cage, the washing of mega laundry that has been stacking up, the shopping, the writing of checks, the pulling out of cash from ATM's, the frenzy of it all!!!!

Okay, I have to go back to work now.

Survival

Okay, I survived my mood swings today. It is evening and I did not spend the day laying in bed eating. I did spend the day laying in bed, but I drank water, and juice and only ate at meal time. I am sleepy and my eyes hurt, but I am hoping I am actually getting better. I want to go back to work tomorrow and have some feeling of normal.

I hired a moving company to come and move the big stuff. A luxury I never afforded myself in the past. But the last time I moved I think I probably spent as much renting trucks and paying guys to help load and unload. So this time they can get it all in one load and move it. I hope it works out. I have a friend or two to help and there is my brother. I want us to move the items that have glass, the pictures, TV's, computers. I know I will be getting plenty of exercise. Carrying things up the stairs, etc. Then there is the cleanup of my house I am leaving, the carpet cleaning, etc. which I am doing myself. So I will probably be sore, but I am confident I can get it all finished.

I want to get settled. This unsettled chaotic feeling of being in transit is getting to me a little. I want a routine and an exercise program. Maybe if I organized things a bit around here I would feel better, but right now I am on bed rest so I just need to forget it for the moment. It will all work out.

I feel out of touch, though, with myself maybe. Since my grandson moved in and I embarked on this moving project, I have been very preoccupied and I feel that I have neglected some of my self care. I don't want to regress and I want to keep moving forward. My daily readings, my support group meetings, and even my meal plannings have slipped away. I am at best sort of hanging on in survival mode. I have had much to deal with, but I don't want this to circumvent my progress in any way. I know it is possible to attain healthy living through any kind of circumstances. I remember when my dad had his open heart surgery years and years ago. At the time I had just started a healthy food plan program. I stuck to it exactly. I brought snacks to the hospital, etc. It is possible so long as I am willing.

I would like to do the South Beach phase one after I move for maybe a week or so. And then get back to more of a Kay Sheppard plan again. Those are plans I have felt great on in the past. I want to reactivate my Bally's membership and go to the gym for weight training and swimming/cardio twice per week, then do walking, biking, jogging or my work out tapes on the other days. That, to me, is a manageable plan. I am pretty sure I have enough space in my bedroom now for the workouts with the videos. But for the next two weeks I will be in moving mode, but hopefully I can commit to healthy eating for the duration.

Crabby Girl

Being sick is having a negative impact on my attitude. I am crabby, whiney, feeling way sorry for myself and resenting anything and anybody for everything. I do not like this crash and burn, down to the depths of dispair feeling. I am just sick. Can't I just be sick, without letting it become a catalyst to think about every overwhelming aspect of my life? Can't I just have chicken soup and juice and cuddle up under the covers with the dog or something? Why the plummet into depression? I have discussed being physically sick and its link to depressive episodes with many a person in my lifetime. I am not the only one stricken with this tendency. But I want to take a stand against it right now. If I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. I want to rebel against my depression, I want to strike back with humor, rest and positive affirmations or something. I was so anti-spiritual earlier today I felt that I was under the influence of some demonic possession. Maybe it was a demon virus, a poison to the mind. But I want to have a choice in this attitude business. I want to choose an attitude of gratitude, and rest. So I am sick, so I can't do all the things I thought I would be doing. So I miss a couple days of work, I don't even really like going to work so that should be a blessing. So I am moving and I want to feel physically strong and up to the task. So what. I am sick, and I need to drink lots of liquid, rest, and not look around the house at all the unfinished tasks. They can all wait. They will all still be there. And the moaning over "no one to take care of me" is just a waste of time. I can ask a kid to get me a glass of water, or juice and they will. If I really need help I can get it. What I really need the most is to rest my thinking. My stinking thinking, my nay saying, boo hooing, woe is me thinking. There is no black cloud hanging over my head. I am a person who has overcome many things in life. Beginning way back to being a teenage pot head who got pregnant and married an abusive mean drug addict. I got away from that, but took alcoholism with me, but then I found recovery from that. I went back to college and got degrees so I no longer had to wait tables for a living. I had a third child that I have had the privilege of raising without an abusive man around. It has been heavenly. I have the opportunity to now show my grandson a life that does not involve active alcoholism or drug abuse. I can do that. Every day will not be a holiday or a picnic, but we can do this. I have faced many demons, depression, obesity, compulsive overeating, abusive relationships. And none of them control me anymore. And in my weakened state of being physically ill, I do not have to fall prey to old thinking. I can face it down with my history, with my track record and my faith.

I have more than what I need for today. I have two places to live for the next week or so. We have food in the pantry and in the fridge. My bills are paid or the checks are written and ready to go. We are safe and warm under one roof. I even have money saved back for emergencies. An impossibility in years past. For the last six years I weighed over 200 pounds and I am now in the 170's and have been there for a few months now. There was a time when I no longer believed that was even possible. All my life I have been taken care of and things have gotten better and better in many ways. There is much to be grateful for.

And I honestly believe that for every problem there is a solution.

So there's my inspirational talk to myself for today. I am going to go hug the kids and be happy.

Sick

I am really really sick today. Feeling crummy, sore throat, head aches, lost voice. Tired. But of course I still have an appetite. That always bugs me. But food is still comfort. Funny thing happened today. I got a call from a university where I had put my name on a list for research related to binge eating some time ago. They inteviewed me and said I did not qualify. I don't binge eat often enough anymore, and I suppose what I now consider a binge may be to them just overeating or having too much. I wanted to participate. I have had this happen before where I am not fat enough for the doctor to think I need help. My weight is minimized by medical folks when I try to get help. But I have found help, and I will continue to treat this as an illness and a condition that needs constant and intense therapy. I know what I am. I guess they just wanted bigger binges, more often, and recent. The thing I liked about the study is that it has to do with depression, relationships and binge eating. Geez, that's the story of my life........I should be the poster child. But I "should" be happy that I did not qualify, maybe that is confirmation that I am doing better. I know I am but I still feel sick. Well, and today I am sick, but I mean sick in the food sense. Not sick enough for the study though. Hmmmmm

I Have Keys!!!!

I now have the keys to my new place - two weeks early.....and I can start moving in anytime. You can scroll down for phots. I moved some things in my car and with a friend in her SUV this weekend. I was so excited to finally get to start moving. I am not officially moving in until the 26th, but I am going to do many things in the next week to get ready. We started in the library which I totally love. I had many boxes of books and videos. We put them all on shelves and have many shelves left. It is fantastic to have a place for everything, and room to spare. I have never had this in my life. It is like heaven to me. I am overjoyed.

At first, I did not know how I felt about the burnt orange color in the kitchen, but my daughter loves the warm colors and it I am warming up to it myself. In fact there are more colors, gold, some blues and even a pale green in the library. It is a nice change from the white walls at my other house. I am going to have fun with color. I love the late seventies/early eighties effects. It takes me back. I even found contact paper in kitchen drawers that I think we may have had in the house where I grew up. I am keeping it intact. I love it. I could see getting an avocado green fridge in there..

The library is a small room so I could not get a good shot of it. But the kitchen/fireplace room photographed well and there are two of my little private back yard. then there is one of the view of the livingroom/dining area from this big open "window" in the fireplace area. I took the one of the mirrors in my room to try and get the depth of the room - it is big. But it blurred on me. I am looking pretty frumped out in those baggy pants, too, but it is me in there.

It still does not feel real to me. I am sore from the lifting and tired, and I think I am getting sick.
As for the weight loss effort, two more of the gained pounds came off. So I am close to where I was before I had my little episode. I did really well yesterday but today was a bit off with running around and grabbing a bite here and there. I did stock up on produce so I have got the right things to reach for now. It feels nice to have the good stuff and make my healthy meals.

I am very tired this evening. I had a mini meltdown earlier when I tried to upload pictures and the USB cable that was in my case was not the right one. It was bizarre but I found mine next to my daughter's desk. I knew she used the camera (she has her own) and I could not figure out where the mystery cable came from but none of it was that big of a deal. I think I was just too tired, and I had one of those really self centered, two year old moments I have not had in a long time. It passed and peace is restored. Luckily my daughter's friend showed up to pick her up and she was spared any further wrath.

Well I am really babbling all over the place. It was great to unpack my library of weight loss and fitness books. I have at least one shelf full, and then there are a variety of self help books. I thought to myself, the books have really helped me in many ways. They are not just books I bought and never used. I actually read most of them, and used some as reference material. I still use them. It will be great to have a place sit and read. I know I keep going about the new pad but I am really happy about it. And optimistic. So far all I see outside are people walking little dogs. Dogs like mine. It is the land of Toto. And Fi-Fi. I can't wait to walk my dog up and down the hills under the trees. My friend brought me flowers to plant, and special container gardening mix. I love to grow flowers and I plan to make my entire yard a garden.

The two eight foot mirrors that make up my closet doors told me that I need to really get some pants that fit. I am going to pick something up as soon as possible. I am wondering what my body looks like these days, but I am soon to find out, those giant mirrors will tell all. I will make friends with them. More will be revealed!!

I Have Keys

Positive Notes for Friday

It is the end of another up and down week and I have been feeling like the pounds I gained are not a fluctuation, and will take longer to go away. Mostly because I have been inconsistent. If I can put together some good days all in a row, I can get back to normal, or at least my new normal. And I believe I can do this. Yesterday I tracked calories and did great all day, but then it kind of fell apart in the evening. So I just need to get my evenings stabilized and I can move on from this whole incident.

One pleasant discovery I made when I started doing floor exercises again is that it is much easier to do certain abdominal crunches now since my belly is smaller. I can actually touch my elbows to my knees easily. I don't recall being able to do that. I have had an entire year of diminishing exercise. Last year at this time I hit a depression, and I stopped going to the gym for about three weeks straight and I never picked up with my routine again, but I did go, just not like I had been going the year prior. I swam and I went to the gym off and on, but not like I used to. I have had a variety of exercise activities, but I want more time spent and at regular intervals.

So, each morning this week I have been working on my abs at home when I get up. And I have been using weights for arms and shoulders and back. Also some stretching. I can't wait to try some of my more challenging videos now that I have made the discovery that some moves are easier with less belly. That is a motivator in the face of this unpleasant little gain from the past two weeks. So I am going to focus on the positive, and not the negative.

So much for me is generated by attitude and what I think. If I think about the negative I seem to do negative things. If I think about positives over and over, I tend to take positive actions. It can be a small victory used as a catalyst for even more progress. There is always something positive to find. Believe me, I know. I have much experience digging for gratitude on some very bleak days. I will spare the details for now.

I have been dogged by backed up housework. It looms over me like grey cloud when I get home, but this morning, fueled by the easier ab moves, I did some laundry, reduced the volume and was able to stash the rest in the hamper making it all seem organized and do-able. My room will be tackled this evening but my strategy is to take a small area, count that victory and build upon it. I find a correlation sometimes with my eating habits and the condition of my house, meaning that at times when I feel frozen or stuck in a rut of overwhelming household backlog, I also see the scale go up a bit, or I find myself reaching for food. It is that chaotic feeling I get, the out of control feeling that drives me.

None of this is going to get to me today, though. I know what it is and I have a solution for it. Take it a bit at a time, focus on the positives, build on little victories, and above all, keep moving in the right direction, even if progress is slower than I hope for.

Happy Friday!

Spring Rain

I am really into Spring this year. I don't remember being as happy about Spring as I am this year. It seems so fresh and exciting. I did some yardwork tonight. I pulled unwanted tufts of grass out of a flower bed. I am not sure how the tenant will maintain the beds but I wanted to clear them before I move. I am excited about finding out what will be growing at my new place, in the beds that I see there. I plan to have my entire yard in flowers and plants if possible. In fact already it appears there are many beds already there I just don't know what will grow in them. My yard will be much smaller but it will be easier to make it spectacular.

There is a nice steady rain falling now on the roof and I love the sound. I ate too much today but it doesn't even matter at the moment. The moment is all I have and the moment is peaceful with the rain softening everything. I know this will pass. And things will be better and better.

The rain is a soothing whisper. It keeps away any offending sounds. It is all I can hear right now and it is perfect. It promises rest. It is gentle. I am going to close my eyes and melt into it for as long as it lasts.

Outdoor Exercise

Tonight we went to the park and I walked up and down a steep hill for exercise. It was great to get fresh air and both the kids got fresh air and outdoor exercise, too. I want to get more of this family exercise activity going, especially with weather being nice. Today was a particularly stressful and somewhat emotional day for me so the outdoor outing helped me relax and feel good.

I started my day taking my daughter and her broken retainer (she has not had it two weeks yet) to the orthodontist, and then I took her to the doctor. So I was running late for work - two hours in fact. Then when I got there I had an e-mail about the trip in April, but much to my shock it also referenced a trip in May lasting a week as well. I pretty much lost it at that point. I had also gotten a phone call in my car as I was pulling into work from one of my sons and that call had not gone too well and I was having parental guilt for not being able to be all things to all people. The trip added to my feelings of being unable to take care of everyone and do all things for work, too. I cried in my office, I cried on the phone to my Mom and then I kind of went into a bit of a bad attitude but I had not time to ponder because there was this massive amount of work to do on a deal that unexpectedly took up my entire day. So after being hugely busy for while on that I fell into an acceptance state and just did not worry anymore. Sort of a "whatever" mode.

Anyway, I don't know if these trips will even materialize, but I am signing up for them and doing it. As long as the kids are taken care of. But I do know one thing, I am going to get out and get more exercise in the fresh air while the weather lasts. I am a nature person, so I am looking forward to moving nearer to some trails that run along the Missouri river - they are great for bike riding and walking. I also really enjoy the hill climbing and my area is hilly. Biking, hiking, swimming are all things I naturally like. Walking the dog. All of these. They have added benefits like spending quality time with the kids/dog, getting fresh air, relieving stress.

So that's my thought for the day. Other than that I am eating less this week compared to last week but still need to improve. Progress, not perfection.

I refuse to eat over these feelings.......

I had to re-read my Friday entry so I could bolster my resolve and get a better attitude. I have been sitting here obsessing since I found out my ex boyfriend, who I broke up with I think going on 5 years ago got married last month. Now, you can probably guess what is going on in this fluffy person's head.....drumroll...."she's probably skinnier and prettier than me.." Yep, that's where my head went. Then, it went to thinking of the vending machine and all these "I don't measure up" type things. But here is the deal, first, I broke off that relationship for great reasons, and I never had a single regret from doing so. Second, even though I have had nothing but crummy relationships with men my whole life, that does not define me or mark my destiny. Third, just because he is the boyfriend I was with when I got fat, I cannot continue to resent him for it or blame that particular relationship. These things are over. I am finished with them. And finally, WHO CARES WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!!!!!!! Making comparisons either way is unhealthy thinking. I have plenty to focus on right now, and I don't need some negative diversion thinking about how I measure up to someone-I-did-not-even-want to be with's new wife. Maybe the real thing that bothers me is that I have no partner, and he does. But I do have a partner, not in the sense of a human partner. I have a spiritual partner, that I rely on and that is God, Higher Power or whatever name anyone chooses. For a long time since the birth of my third child, I felt I was "less than" and defective because I had no partner. That I was committing some sin by raising a child alone. I did not always think that way but it haunted me. I had never been "needy" or thought I "had to have a man" but it was at that point that I adopted my own form of that kind of thinking. I went out with guys that I thought would be the partner type and always ended up rejecting them because they were not for me, for a number of reasons. I was mixed up, and feeling like I did something wrong by having a baby out of wedlock. I have cherished every day on this earth that I have had the privilege of raising my daughter whether it is "by myself" or not. I do not want to shadow it with feelings of inadequacy because I have not gotten married. Wow, look at all one encounter with an ex can do to my thinking? Sheesh. I have to process the entire ball of wax or hit the vending machine. And, by gosh, I am NOT hitting the vending machine over some slimey ex-that-I-rejected's marriage five years later. Or even if the ex had rejected me, I still don't have to ponder these things anymore, they are over, and gone and have nothing to do with my life today, except for the pitter patter of the old thinking. I am a spiritual person. If God wants me to have a human partner, He will put one in my path, and until then, I can wait and I can honor the path he chooses for me, and today that path is NOT going to the vending machine. Not now.

I am thankful for the life situation I have. I am deflating from last week's blow up from my carb fest and I am getting back into the basics of eating right for me and not abusing my body with bad food. It has been a slow, day to day deal, but I am deflating and moving on from my bump in the road to recovery from overeating. I have dinner planned for tonight. Two wonderful kids to share it with. I have the excitement of a new place to live emerging. I have plenty of work to keep me busy. For today I have a great job, good friends, a family I love, and the ability to appreciate it all and honor the gifts I have been given.

That's my self pep talk. Fooey on the negative BS that circled through my brain. I am not hungry anymore. The vending machine moment has passed. Thank you anyone who made it through my rambling post. I rattled through this pretty fast. You know years ago I may have made this a week long event or even longer. But feelings are what I used food to avoid, so this time I just had to ramble through them immediately instead of eating over them.

The End of Fluffy Week and Focusing on the How, and not the Why

Okay, this is it. The end of the bloated, fluffy week. I still feel puffed up and icky but I am observing the right eating parameters today and having plenty of water. I hope I can recover from the fluffing out that occurred this week. Fluff is a nice way of saying I got bigger this week. I gained. So it's back to basics. No frozen latte in the morning (for Pete's sake, what was I thinking?) and none of the other silliness that has been going on.

For today my desire to lose weight is greater than my desire to do the things I have been doing this past week, like revert to old binge food (raman noodles..eek), bake cookies, partake in the office bagel thing, and have that frozen latte (even though it was a light) every day. My desire to be healthy is greater than my desire to have any of that stuff. I have a desire to eat my packed lunch. In fact, part way to work I realized I forgot my lunch so I turned around and went home and got it. And, I have a desire to go home tonight and cut veggies and cook lean protien. I have a desire to stock up on the right food for me. And hunt down that Ezekiel bread, too. I have a desire to exercise. Those desires are now stronger than my desire to grab an offending snack.

I revisited the old ways, and I got the same result as I always got. Body fat, bloat, and so on. So, this is the end of Fluffy week. Plain and simple.

I read the Food for Thought meditation for today on the Hazelden website. The last lines went like this:

By realizing that food holds no ultimate "ah," we can stop destroying ourselves by chasing a rainbow which does not exist.

May I stop searching for happiness where it is not to be found.

Maybe I was looking for the ultimate "ah" this week. It was not there. I had been on stress overload for weeks, and this week I felt some relief. I may have reverted back to what I used to call "relief eating" where when I got through some major crisis or tough moment, I'd eat then, instead of during the stressful time. Who knows? I believe that today for me the "why" is not as important as the "how". I may never exactly pin down why I ate so much this week. But I can pin down How to stop.

There is a solution, a process for that, the How. A detoxing process of not eating certain foods, and drinking lots of water and exercising. There is always a solution or a How. Sometimes the Why gets me confused, and I stay pondering the Why while I continue to eat poorly. So I decide just to focus on the How. The Why can be dark and deep and depressing. The How is optimistic and exciting. I have put a good effort into the Why these past years, and that is good. But when the Why overwhelms me, I take a break. So, for today, it's all about the How.

Update - After writing this I took a half hour brisk walk outside the office and climbed my usual three flights of steps back to my office. I now feel I have acted on my desires and I am living in the How.

Bread is Bad

Like Bananas, bread is not good for me. I feel the weight of it in my digestive system. It is a sluggish, heavy feeling. It is a food to avoid. Even the healthy looking whole grains do the same thing to me. I should be a Kay Sheppard convert by now, but still have to experiment and suffer the consequences from time to time. I want to remember this heavy, overloaded feeling for next time I am tempted by the office bagels, the homemade cookies, etc. Even though the amount I eat is less now than before, the impact is the same. Usually when I eat these things it is an impulse serving. And, it is difficult to control the portion, because once I get a taste, the compulsion to eat more of it sets in. Even if it no longer turns into a binge, it still fouls up the plan for the day and the negative effects on my system linger for quite some time.

I know I write about the insanity of food choices from time to time. That is, the insanity of eating something I know I will regret and somehow secretly thinking the I won't mind the consequences. It is a learning process and a gradual enlightenment for me. I try to be much more gentle with myself these days and tell myself what the nice ladies at a support group used to say "you'll do better next time." It is a minute by minute deal with me, each day. The choice is there at each meal, and at each episode of temptation. The weighing of the consequences. There really is no benefit to bread or bananas that would outweigh this yucky feeling, but it's that little insanity that pushes through sometimes and sways me to the unfortunate choice.

I love the days when I can just walk past these temptations, building up my trust in the new way of life. And I love the days when I am prepared and stick to my plan. These other days, well, they just have to pass, quickly I hope. But until they do, I will keep writing about them. And reminding myself that I do not like the feeling I get after I indulge in these certain foods. Right now it's bread, bagel, cookie whatever. Most likely the flour.

I will just have to flush it out with lots of water and exercise, try harder, and believe that yes, I will do better next time!

Business Trip

I was asked today to go on a week long business trip for training in some catchy sounding corporate type program for leadership and process management. Something like that. Anyway, it is not something I want to turn down at this point in my career. So I am going to say yes. It will be good for my situation with the company. It is in the middle of April, a mere two or three weeks after my move. Business trips are tricky for a person like me with kids and pets and no help. I am hoping my parents will come stay at the house with the kids. So long as the kids and pets are taken care of, I am happy to travel. My brother could do it, but I'd rather my folks did. And today, they said they might.

Another thing this means is clothes. Pants. Tops. I will have to shop prior to the trip and get things to look nice for the training. So I will visit the upscale second hand stores as suggested. It will be nice to get some things. My wardrobe choices are getting more and more limited. Although, this pair of capris I always wanted to wear that were way too tight may actually fit now and it may be warm enought to bring those...I'll check it out.

Although the timing of this trip may not be the best, with the kids starting new school just a couple of weeks prior, and us barely being moved in. But my reaction to this trip is "Bring it On" by golly, let's see how much stuff I can tackle. Let's keep me busy. Let's see what I am really made of. And, in fact, it will be really nice to get away, so long as the kids are taken care of. They usually put us up in a nice hotel, and I will meet new people and I bet the whole thing will actually be fun.

But, here is one sick little twist that floated through the dark side of my brain. It also is one of those future events that I used to tell myself I had to lose weight for. I don't feel like I have to lose weight for this trip, but I found myself being scared that I'd gain. You see, in the old days, when I'd say I had to lose weight for some future event, that is what would happen. Not only would I not lose, but I'd gain. It was part of my sick cycle with food. A cycle I want to believe I have broken. I find myself a little afraid the old me is going to take back over and take away all my progress. So let's flush the old thinking out right here and now.

Excitement, not anxiety, right? Let's get excited. A trip, woo hoo! I am not even sure where it will be held, but most likely around Chicago, or Columbus Ohio, or Texas, not sure why we'd be in Texas. But anyway, somewhere, in a snazzy hotel, with my own room. And a gym and a pool. If I have time to use them. New people, new things to learn, activities. And some enhanced status with the company I work for. It is a good thing, not a thing to fear, but something to embrace and be happy about. The dark side of my brain will have to find something else. In fact, I am going to hang a bright, colorful, neon sign in the dark side of my brain right now that says "Bring it On"....

How's that?

Better?

It is a matter of trust. I do not have to rely on just me. I have help. I do not have to do this all by myself anymore.

Other than that, the Welcome Home Credit checking agency told my future landlord that I had an excellent history and they recommended me for his spacious town home. That's a positive right there. I cannot say that at all times in my life would the Welcome Home Credit agency say that about me, but they said it today. So I am happy for that, and so is Bob, the landlord. The move is a definate go, that was the last contingency. I can now put all the other details in motion. I have a list, and I am not afraid to use it.

My eating today was pretty stable but for a run in with a cookie in the coffee room. I am finished eating for the day, having had a nice big fat salad for dinner with ground turkey breast. I am getting back on track, honest. I have a supply of veggies. And lean protien. Life is good. Just don't ask about exercise. Although I do have a little good news. I had to cancel my gym since it is way too far from where I will be living. But I got an offer in the mail from Bally's where I used to go, a reduced rate for twice a week if I renew my membership there. I believe there is a Bally's somewhere out where I am moving. Two times a week is good for weights and such. Then I can get my cardio and other things at home, videos, outdoors, walking biking and so on. I have to admit, a steady twice a week at the gym would be an improvement over what I have been doing lately.

True confessions and newstime is now over. Thanks everyone for all the great encouragement I have been receiving lately.

Stuffed

Okay, this weekend has been a starch fest. For some reason I have been really bad. No sweets, just fats and starches beginning with the bright idea to make nachos. That put in motion the starch fest. It is time to stop and that is why I am writing this. I get full easier now, so I am really stuffed after a dinner of pasta with red sauce made with lean beef and broccoli. I started the day by eating two packs of raman noodles without the seasoning. My old binge food. This is very bad. Sabatoge and regression. I don't like the sluggish feeling I get from those kinds of foods. Sluggish, sloppy and slow. It has been awhile since I had this kind of situation. It may have actually started Friday night. I just don't know for sure.

The horror of gaining weight is upon me. I want green things and whole grains. I want to cook some steel cut oats so they will be ready for the morning. I want to prepare a big fat salad to take to work. I want to be ready for combat. The noodles are gone. That is over. I thought of ice cream but never acted on it. Maybe its over now. I can walk off the bloat.

Yuck. I don't like how this stuff makes me feel. I would have rather had chocolate.

It's really happening

I am really moving. I have said "maybe" and "if" so many times that now that it is happening, I am having trouble believing it. I got the deposit and signed lease on my house this week, and I will be signing my lease for the Barbie Dream House (I am calling it that again) this weekend or early next week. I met with Bob the wonderful landlord Tuesday after going to the middle school and taking a tour. It all just fell together magically. I stressed about my buyer/tenant wondering if she'd back out but now that she has dropped a hunk of money on the deal I feel comfortable about it. So it is time to pack, get ready, and get excited.

I lost another pound magically this week, too. I must just be stressing it off. I want this stress feeling to pass. I was able to concentrate more on work this week even though I still had distractions and things to take care of. I now have a decision and I know where we will live, and I know what needs to be done to make it all happen.

So when I say it's really happening, I don't just mean the move. The weight loss is really happening, too. It continues slowly and steadily. I feel I have some stability there. But I sometimes I cannot believe it is really happening either. I still think of myself as twenty or thirty pounds heavier because I was there for so long. When people ask me how I am doing it I can't really point to a particular diet or exercise plan. But I can tell them that I eat less now, smaller portions and stick to better food. My habits are changed. There is much room for improvement and I could lose faster but I am happy that it is steady and I have not had any significant gains for some time now.

I want to visualize all positive things. Putting together our new home. All the changes being changes for the better. We are almost at the bottom of a sloping hill. I am looking forward to walking up hills. It is flat around here. I like hills. I like hiking uphill. I am looking forward to working in the back yard in the flower beds I have seen - and being surprised at what comes up in the beds. And planting things of my own. All the things I can do now without being held back by my old feelings of being stuck. Things I can do with the new energy I have from being physically lighter. And the feeling of being able to accomplish things.

My brother always says "whatever the Lord wants" whenever I ask him about making plans. It used to bother me because I felt I could not count on him. But then I started to like it. He has had a calming effect on me these days. I appreciate his spirituality more and more. So last time I saw him I told him I was going to make "whatever the Lord wants" my mantra. And I have. When I get into my worrying or indecision or projections and what if's - I stop myself and repeat it over and over. It has been helping me to cope with some of my extreme states of anxiety that I have had during the working out of this move. I feel I am putting my trust in a higher place and I really do feel trust.

So now I know a new adventure is unfolding for my little family. And I truly am willing to go with whatever the Lord wants.