I refuse to eat over these feelings.......

I had to re-read my Friday entry so I could bolster my resolve and get a better attitude. I have been sitting here obsessing since I found out my ex boyfriend, who I broke up with I think going on 5 years ago got married last month. Now, you can probably guess what is going on in this fluffy person's head.....drumroll...."she's probably skinnier and prettier than me.." Yep, that's where my head went. Then, it went to thinking of the vending machine and all these "I don't measure up" type things. But here is the deal, first, I broke off that relationship for great reasons, and I never had a single regret from doing so. Second, even though I have had nothing but crummy relationships with men my whole life, that does not define me or mark my destiny. Third, just because he is the boyfriend I was with when I got fat, I cannot continue to resent him for it or blame that particular relationship. These things are over. I am finished with them. And finally, WHO CARES WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!!!!!!! Making comparisons either way is unhealthy thinking. I have plenty to focus on right now, and I don't need some negative diversion thinking about how I measure up to someone-I-did-not-even-want to be with's new wife. Maybe the real thing that bothers me is that I have no partner, and he does. But I do have a partner, not in the sense of a human partner. I have a spiritual partner, that I rely on and that is God, Higher Power or whatever name anyone chooses. For a long time since the birth of my third child, I felt I was "less than" and defective because I had no partner. That I was committing some sin by raising a child alone. I did not always think that way but it haunted me. I had never been "needy" or thought I "had to have a man" but it was at that point that I adopted my own form of that kind of thinking. I went out with guys that I thought would be the partner type and always ended up rejecting them because they were not for me, for a number of reasons. I was mixed up, and feeling like I did something wrong by having a baby out of wedlock. I have cherished every day on this earth that I have had the privilege of raising my daughter whether it is "by myself" or not. I do not want to shadow it with feelings of inadequacy because I have not gotten married. Wow, look at all one encounter with an ex can do to my thinking? Sheesh. I have to process the entire ball of wax or hit the vending machine. And, by gosh, I am NOT hitting the vending machine over some slimey ex-that-I-rejected's marriage five years later. Or even if the ex had rejected me, I still don't have to ponder these things anymore, they are over, and gone and have nothing to do with my life today, except for the pitter patter of the old thinking. I am a spiritual person. If God wants me to have a human partner, He will put one in my path, and until then, I can wait and I can honor the path he chooses for me, and today that path is NOT going to the vending machine. Not now.

I am thankful for the life situation I have. I am deflating from last week's blow up from my carb fest and I am getting back into the basics of eating right for me and not abusing my body with bad food. It has been a slow, day to day deal, but I am deflating and moving on from my bump in the road to recovery from overeating. I have dinner planned for tonight. Two wonderful kids to share it with. I have the excitement of a new place to live emerging. I have plenty of work to keep me busy. For today I have a great job, good friends, a family I love, and the ability to appreciate it all and honor the gifts I have been given.

That's my self pep talk. Fooey on the negative BS that circled through my brain. I am not hungry anymore. The vending machine moment has passed. Thank you anyone who made it through my rambling post. I rattled through this pretty fast. You know years ago I may have made this a week long event or even longer. But feelings are what I used food to avoid, so this time I just had to ramble through them immediately instead of eating over them.