Crabby Girl

Being sick is having a negative impact on my attitude. I am crabby, whiney, feeling way sorry for myself and resenting anything and anybody for everything. I do not like this crash and burn, down to the depths of dispair feeling. I am just sick. Can't I just be sick, without letting it become a catalyst to think about every overwhelming aspect of my life? Can't I just have chicken soup and juice and cuddle up under the covers with the dog or something? Why the plummet into depression? I have discussed being physically sick and its link to depressive episodes with many a person in my lifetime. I am not the only one stricken with this tendency. But I want to take a stand against it right now. If I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. I want to rebel against my depression, I want to strike back with humor, rest and positive affirmations or something. I was so anti-spiritual earlier today I felt that I was under the influence of some demonic possession. Maybe it was a demon virus, a poison to the mind. But I want to have a choice in this attitude business. I want to choose an attitude of gratitude, and rest. So I am sick, so I can't do all the things I thought I would be doing. So I miss a couple days of work, I don't even really like going to work so that should be a blessing. So I am moving and I want to feel physically strong and up to the task. So what. I am sick, and I need to drink lots of liquid, rest, and not look around the house at all the unfinished tasks. They can all wait. They will all still be there. And the moaning over "no one to take care of me" is just a waste of time. I can ask a kid to get me a glass of water, or juice and they will. If I really need help I can get it. What I really need the most is to rest my thinking. My stinking thinking, my nay saying, boo hooing, woe is me thinking. There is no black cloud hanging over my head. I am a person who has overcome many things in life. Beginning way back to being a teenage pot head who got pregnant and married an abusive mean drug addict. I got away from that, but took alcoholism with me, but then I found recovery from that. I went back to college and got degrees so I no longer had to wait tables for a living. I had a third child that I have had the privilege of raising without an abusive man around. It has been heavenly. I have the opportunity to now show my grandson a life that does not involve active alcoholism or drug abuse. I can do that. Every day will not be a holiday or a picnic, but we can do this. I have faced many demons, depression, obesity, compulsive overeating, abusive relationships. And none of them control me anymore. And in my weakened state of being physically ill, I do not have to fall prey to old thinking. I can face it down with my history, with my track record and my faith.

I have more than what I need for today. I have two places to live for the next week or so. We have food in the pantry and in the fridge. My bills are paid or the checks are written and ready to go. We are safe and warm under one roof. I even have money saved back for emergencies. An impossibility in years past. For the last six years I weighed over 200 pounds and I am now in the 170's and have been there for a few months now. There was a time when I no longer believed that was even possible. All my life I have been taken care of and things have gotten better and better in many ways. There is much to be grateful for.

And I honestly believe that for every problem there is a solution.

So there's my inspirational talk to myself for today. I am going to go hug the kids and be happy.