Now I wanna eat

I have found myself wanting more food, more often the past few days. I attibute this to some of the off the wall eating over the weekend spilling into the new week. But I have managed to contain myself most of the time. Trying to get into a routine again. I don't feel like I am in crisis mode anymore and I am able to focus better on work. The kids both went to school for a full day today. I have successfully made the new morning route twice now, dropping each off at their respective schools.

Now I need to make it a priority to straighten out my meals, the content, the portions and the timing. Otherwise I may end up trailing off into helter skelter eating patterns. I do not want that at all. I like my reduced weight, even though I am not toned like I'd like to be. I feel lighter. I do not have any clothes that are too tight. In fact I have more baggy pants. I want this to keep on going. I forgot to bring lunch again, and was stuck with fruit cocktail and a granola bar. Sure, it could have been much worse, but it could also be much better.

So tomorrow I am bringing my old reliable cottage cheese and blueberries, some celery some soup. I have dinner planned. And I am ready to continue to do my thing and get some more pounds off. No drifting off into la la land for me. I did that in the early fall and it was really hard to get stable again. I have been staying in the moment lately to keep myself together during the crisis. So for the moment, it is bedtime. I am content. I am not hungry and I am ready to rest.

Milestone

I just discovered that I have recently moved from being "obese" to "overweight" according to the body mass index. This is a major milestone that I used to calculate way back when I weighed 200 pounds. It looked like some far off star, lightyears away. It was something I had little faith I could attain. And here I am. I stopped calculating, projecting, and contemplating, and here I am. Of course, I stopped overeating on a regular basis, too. I am amazed at this. It just seems to have happened, without me even thinking about it.

I have not been paying much attention to things like the BMI calculator. And this past week I have not been paying attention to my body much at all. But it is surreal to me that I lost this 19 pounds since July, on top of the 10 I lost the year before for a grand total of 29 pounds lost since January of 05, when I was at my highest weight on record. I never thought I could, I had given up completely. But I gave it a shot, a day at a time, not giving up, starting over, again and again, eating less, eating better food, planning ahead, taking chances, making a steady effort over time, and here I am. I am at my halfway point from 2005. I think I can do this now. No matter what, I think I will keep on losing, maybe slowly, but steadily over time. It feels really good. I am at peace, somehow, with myself today.

Anyway, I had to share that because it just dawned on me while reading AFG that I ought to calculate my BMI, and there it was, I had finally crossed over the imaginary line between obese and overweight. Thanks to an old copy of Oprah that my daughter brought home in a stack from a garage sale with an article about Passing For Thin, I got a spark of hope that grew. It grew by finding the Kuffel blog and the Angry Fat Girlz blog, and all the other blogs I found from there. I am more than amazed. And very very grateful.

Saturday

I was remembering this past Christmas and our seemingly quiet old life just now, and when I do that I feel sad. It will never be the same. Then I feel a pang of guilt for feeling sad. My new life will have many joys and I believe will be a much richer life, but there is sadness in the loss of the old one. My daughter understands and feels it, too. But our loss is nowhere near what my grandson's loss must be. His entire home, his everyday life and the one person that it mainly revolved around are completely gone. I cannot imagine how that feels any more than I can fathom that all that is left of Grandma Ronni is contained in the small urn we brought home from the memorial today. We must still be in shock.

My weight held steady at 175 but I think I am real close to moving down another pound. That is, if I recover from today's eating. I had a cappuccino for breakfast waiting for the therapist who was basically a no show. He is fired. I called him when it was 10 o'clock and his office was locked and I got a voice mail stating it was full. Full voice mail is a bad sign. Then I told my granson we would give him five minutes. Then after five minutes he said "I know what Uncle Scott would say about this" and I said "what?" He said "He'd say the Lord is telling us we should go." I think he had a good point. So I called the number again and an somewhat agitated voice answered, and I said we were his 10 o'clock appointment. He said he was fixing a flat. I said we would let him go and good luck with that. He did not apologize. I don't want to give him another chance. One of my best friends is a therapist. I ran it past her. She said she'd keep her book with her and if something came up she'd call her client immediately. In fact, if I had a flat on the way, I'd immediately call him. But stuff happens. People are human. But we are going to someone else next time. It was frustrating to get us up early when we so much needed sleep, and go all the way there to a locked door.

The next thing I ate was a sandwich, a healthy low calorie/low fat sandwich. And some unsweetened applesauce. After that I do not recall anymore food until after the memorial at the mexican restaurant. I munched chips and salsa with nervous hunger until we got our meals. Mine was a half order of nachos covered with salad. Then more chips. Then coffee with ice cream. Then it was over. I had a yogurt this evening. And a fourth of a banana. Me and bananas do not get along well but I think they are a wonderful food. But a small bit is my limit. I am finished eating and it is late. I think I can recouperate from the chips. Lots of water.

Tomorrow my California brother is visiting with us briefly after a convention he just happens to be attending this weekend. I am picking him up at the hotel in the afternoon and then surprising my other brother (Uncle Scott) by bringing him by. He only has a few hours. I was going to cook but I am way too pooped to even imagine putting a meal together. So we will order out most likely and I will try to be extra good to make up for today.

My sister comes in for a visit from California next week. We will see her Thursday night most likely and then on Sunday. I want so much to get my house together. All I could do today was vaccum the carpeted steps to the upstairs and keep up with laundry and dishes. I managed to pass out some more flyers on the missing cat, and search the attic again. No trace.

Maybe I can get a walk in tomorrow at least or a bike ride if it is not too cold.

Friday

Tonight was my grandson's turn at making dinner. He chose to make salad and cheese sandwiches. He put hard boiled eggs, tomato and green onion in the salad and we had Italian dressing. I skipped the bread and had the cheese in my salad. I bought a 2% cheddar cheese. He wants to help with making dinner at night, and I like that idea. I want to try some recipes out. It is nice cooking for more than two people.

Then we took my daughter to the mall where she socializes on Friday nights. He and I shopped for clothes for them to wear tomorrow at the memorial gathering. Then we went to a couple of game stores, had a snack, drove around a little and walked in the mall. The mall was full of teenagers and I know he felt a bit ackward being there, being younger and being with me. But we did okay. I tried to get him interested in the bookstore, where I hide out on mall night, but it was a no go for today. Maybe next time we can compromise and I will let him bring his game boy and he can read part of the time and play games some of the time. He just wasn't up for the reading tonight.

I am very tired. My eating today went okay. I am getting into more regular meals again. I managed to bring my lunch to work, and then we had dinner at the table together. Have to work on breakfast.

Still missing a cat. Today was the first day Haley did not cry. It has almost been a full week. I just cannot imagine where she went. She must have gotten outside. I keep looking but no success.

No formal exercise this week but maybe I can get back to that real soon. It has been a week now since Grandma Ronni died. I feel I am in shock a lot of the time and in survival mode. It is only the beginning of a whole new life. I am excited about it in many ways, but also scared, overwhelmed and sad at the loss of her, and my old life. I just hope I can do a good job raising him the rest of the way through his pre teens and his teens. What a crucial point in a boy's life. It is the exact point in life where my own sons began to have their behavior problems. Exactly. I am so different today than I was back then. So much more responsible and experienced. I hope I can provide for him what I was unable to provide for them.

Tomorrow is official weigh in day.

Thursday

It feels nice to have two kids in the house. I went to work today for almost a full day. I took my brother home and then came home and cooked dinner. Cooking for two kids is somehow nicer than cooking for one. The house seems fuller. Don't get me wrong, I loved our life before, but it feels right to have my grandson here now. When I go to bed at night it is nice to know he is right upstairs above me in his room safe and sound. And it is nice to know where he is and what he is doing.

I got therapists for each kid, a man for Anthony and a woman for Haley. Different agencies. I just think it is a good idea to deal with the changes and trauma immediately. I'd rather have two much therapy or have therapy we don't need than to not have therapy when it is needed. The man told me he would help me, too, with the situation. He specializes in pre-teens and adolescence, and grief and depression, too. So we will see how that goes. I have not talked personally to the woman yet, she is a psychologist and is under contract with the school for 4 free visits. We will take it from there. My daughter may not need much after that but if she does we will do whatever we need.

I like that they each have their own person, it makes me feel less alone. I know I am not alone but it is a big transition and I want to get all the input and information I can, and I want them to have someone to talk to that is not in the situation. I feel better today, not so overwhelmed in fact at the moment, not overwhelmed at all. I meet my grandson's teachers on Monday afternoon. We will work out the school schedule. I feel I am moving along through the things I need to do. And we will be getting into a routine soon. The kids have fun together. I like that very much.

The cat is still missing. I am pissed at the cat for that. I guess it is safe to be pissed at the cat. The dog got out of the gate today, and I just let him run, knowing I'd get him after I dropped Haley at school. I did not say anything to her, but as we were pulling out of the drive, she spotted him running around downt the street and started crying, thinking we would lose him, too. I assured her I would get him. He just wants to have a run and then he will return. So I dropped her off and came back and the dog surrendered.

I ate more today I think. I forgot breakfast and did not bring lunch to work. So I forraged for food and got some here and there, birthday party stuff and tidbits here and there. I will try to remember tomorrow to prepare. I am very full from dinner and I made sure I had my veggies.
I told the kids that each one would make dinner one day per week, even if it is microwaving something. My grandson is making cheese sandwiches and a salad tomorrow. I plan to be a bit more organized with two kids in the house, and make sure we all share the responsibilities and jobs. Its good for them and good for me.

Time for rest.

Wednesday

Today I accomplished some things I needed to do. I still have not gone back to work yet and cannot imagine doing that right now. But as I get some things off of my plate I think I will feel better about that. I lost another pound and I am at 175. I felt like weighing in today for some reason. We went to the country for Monday night and Tuesday. We took a hike up a hill in the woods and I did some walking with the dog. It was nice to get away and especially nice to get the kids out in the woods. I realize I have raised a city kid. I suggested we go in the woods and she said we would get eaten by coyotes. It was just funny. We took Anthony to see the goats and farm animals and he said they smelled. But he warmed up to feeding the chickens and getting a fresh laid egg out of a nest. He also gave a horse a couple of pets. The cabin is cozy and we had a nice night there. But we had to come back home to reality. I felt really overwhelmed last night when we got home. So many things unfinished and the cat still missing.

I got some rest last night and today felt better. Little by little I tackle each task. My diet has consisted of protein bars, slimfast in a pinch and whatever the healthiest choice is with what I have to work with at the time. I have managed to sneak off to my room right now to get some computer time. Anthony is with my brother in the living room and I think they are either playing with the keyboard or they are playing video games. I went and picked up my brother last night. His presence here makes me feel much better right now. And he stays durning the day so I can go do the things I need to do. I may even go to the gym again soon. The little things I took for granted are real luxuries at the moment. My daughter and I got some alone time running errands together earlier. She went back to school for her last two classes. That was good.

I get alone time with Anthony, too. But right now I like that he is bonding a bit with my brother. I was hoping the two of them would spend time together. It is good for both of them. I am meeting new people now, helpful people. There is a guidance counselor from my grandson's grade school who is very devoted to him still, even though he is in middle school now. She is helping me work out how to keep him in the same school. That is such a blessing.

Right now I think I am in survival mode, attending to things in order of priority and trying to make sure I get some vitamins, protein, water and rest. We all have needs here but we are making sure Anthony's come first. At dinner he looked sad.
Things are winding down and I am starting to crash myself. I feel I have accomplished all I can do for today and rest is now a priority.

Thanks for all the support and comments. More will be revealed.

Grandma Ronni

Grandma Ronni is my Grandson's other grandmother, his mother's mother. She and had a bond that people have through loving and caring for a child together. Early in his life, his mother became unable to care for him as a result of drug addiction. There were some dark years of neglect and abuse but Ronni and I were able to have him with us much of the time and get him compeletly out of there and into her home where he has been for at least the past 6 years. She and I shared the day to day joys and trials of raising kids. We talked regularly. And we became friends or like family. She was strong person, somewhat of a character, but she fiercely watched over my Granson and doted over him. He changed her life in a positive way and she his.

I got the phone call right after lunch Friday. In fact I was just getting ready to get out of my car and go up to my office. It was one of her sisters, and at first she just said Anthony was okay, but she had bad news. Then she told me of how he had tried to wake her after oversleeping (she always got him up for school) and how he could not wake her and called his mother. Thank goodness he was able to get her on the phone and she told him to call 911. I can't imagine what he went through just with all of that. They lived together just the two of them. He had to wait for help to come, he had to wait for family to come. When I got there he and his Mom were clinging to each other and sobbing and the men in suits were there to take her away. Those men who work in funeral homes are really something. They are so soothing. And they seem to know just what to do and say. They are the calm guidance that we need when we can't think at all.

After he was able to say his goodbye I took him home with me and he is here still. The custody/guardianship will pass to me after whatever legalities take place. Ronni was not in poor health as far as we knew. No one was expecting this but there was an understanding out there that if something happened to her, Anthony would be with me. We are so very sad over losing her. And shocked and undergoing huge changes. I never had much help with single parenting Haley but I am going to make sure I call upon Anthony's other relatives in his time of need. Ronni had 7 brothers and sisters. And I am already aquainted with the one who has taken care of getting all of his belongings over here. They had also lost a brother in law last week but managed to take care of getting his stuff over here before getting to that funeral yesterday.

I am real happy to have my grandson now. I know it will be a huge impact though, two kids and he in his pre teens and she in her teens. But we have always been very close with him and he has spent much time with us here at the house and going on trips and outings all of his life. So the transition to living with us has many pleasant aspects to it. But it is an adjustment. There is such a huge range of feelings here.

I have much to accomplish in the next few days. I cannot do it alone and I won't even try.

Things

I have snuck off to my room for a moment to myself. Last night we were up until past 1 a.m. moving things out of the spare bedroom/office. My brother helped. We had a nice snow in the night so he stayed over. It was good to have an extra person. I got up way early today and finished a contract for my job for an insensitive person who could not understand bereavement (I am not sure how to spell it) but the others I work with are great, especially my boss. I rented storage and borrowed a pickup and took things there today. Then they brought my grandson's things over. He has a nice room upstairs across from my daughter. He is up there now on his computer. I am wiped out and tired and will go to bed as soon as I can. There is much to do.

We have all been expressing our emotions. The shower seems to be the place where the kids go to cry right now. I am glad they are able to let it out. It is sad to hear, though. The car is where I have my breakdowns, when I am alone in the car that is. Or in my room. We cry together, too.


I lost another pound, so I weigh 176. It could be dehydration and stress but I was glad to see it since earlier this week I was gaining. Things will be back to normal one day but it will be a new normal. I am reaching out to people more and that is a good thing. I think isolation will be much trickier now.

My daughter is being so sweet and helpful but she is wearing very thin now. We have a missing cat, and now a dying finch (she does not know that yet). The cat, Slippers hides when people come that she does not know, so we hope that is what she is doing, because my brother is not here often. But I have not seen her since yesterday morning. I am a bit worried. I don't think she got outside. I have looked all over and so has Haley. I truly hope there is not going to be a pet loss.

My time is up, I have to go. Just checking in and hanging on. And giving my report.

Getting back in Focus

Okay, this is it. I have to make eating right a HUGE and TOP priority. No matter how bad I feel, no matter what is going on around me, I need to stay on a plan. It is early. All I have had today is a granola bar and tea. I have a shot at having a great day in the eating department. No matter what else goes on I CAN EAT ON PLAN.

But do I have a plan? not yet, so that is what I am doing right now. I have nothing with me and I am at work. I got in a huge fight this morning with my daughter who stayed up too late and did not get ready in time to be on time for school. I got into all or nothing thinking and made the huge parental blunder of bringing up a really BAD topic on the way to school and told her I did not think we could move. I don't believe in discussing ANYTHING on the way to school except having a nice day and anything important and instructive that is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. It is a delicate time, those moments before I dropped her off. And I blew it. I blew it big time. We fought and she hates me. Or she did at that moment and I can't say I really blame her. I can make amends for that later. But right now I need to get myself on a plan. No looking back.

Here it is.

Lunch - All I have is a MacDonalds across the street or the vending machines. I am going online to check the calories in the salads and I will pick the one with the most protein and the least fat and calories. Or if I can go further from the office (not looking like a good day for that) I can order a salad somewhere else, but it has to be salad and lean meat. High on the protein.

Dinner - Tuna salad with mayo over fresh salad greens. Steamed carrots. Steamed green beans. I may be going overboard with veggies but I feel I need to balance out the starch festival I have had the past few days.

Lots of water.

Snack - lowfat cottage cheese with a low glycemic fruit. Most likely blueberries, I have to go to the store.

If I am not taking my daughter to the mall tonight, I will go to the gym. If I take her to the mall, I will mall walk for exercise.

I need to get off my fanny and get to it. I have lost weight and I want to keep losing, and if I don't intervene on my own behalf I will gain. GAINING STINKS. I am not going to take that path today.

Water, lots and lots of water. Less caffiene.

No more fighting for the day with daughter.

Pulling out the positive meditations and readings. And getting busy.

Men

My encounter with the leasing agent today got me thinking about me and men. You see, I took somewhat of an immediate disliking to him, and I sense he was not thrilled with me either. I think there was more to it than just "the neighborhood." For one thing, I ask a lot of questions about things, legalistic questions. I can't help it. I am a paralegal, I have a background in litigation and currently I am in contracting. So, I always look at risk, and the worst case scenario. He did not bring a contract like I suggested, so that I could look at it and see how his deal is structured. So I asked things. I put him on the defensive. I explained why I ask things and what my background is and then he revealed what I think is a pertinant fact - he said......... "Oh, my EX(emphasis added) wife is a paralegal." That fact, and him being an expert on my neighborhood may have been the kiss of death. He had nothing positive to say about the situation. Nothing. But that's his job I suppose, to reduce me down to desparation so he can get what he wants if he wants it - at a rock bottom price. And on the other side of the table was Pollyanna the sweet positive sugar coated real estate agent. Oddly enough, neither had a business card. No cards? What was that, anyway? I did like Pollyanna, but had no use for "my ex is a paralegal" And I think he had no use for me and my house in "the neighborhood". We did have a few chuckles but I doubt he faxes me a copy of his contract and I don't even hold my breath to get the depressing numbers he may work up for me.

But what does this have to do with men? I don't know except that never in my life have I had less confidence when it comes to men. Never in my life have I been more suspicious, distrustful, and downright terrified of men. I have not dated in a year. All the relationships I had since I became fat have been bad, and the ones I had before that were bad and I could not blame that on being fat. But the fat ones have been a different kind of bad. A rock bottom bad that made me just give up on ever transacting anything with a man again. I hate feeling this way but it is the gut level honest truth. I think this leasing agent guy was just one more encounter of negativity that had to do with a man, even if it had nothing to do with his manness at all. Or did it?

Well, with that I had a big big big big amount of pasta with parmesian cheese for dinner. Some bits of chicken. And a salad. Soup for lunch with the agent duo, and a PBJ made with low cal bread and reduced fat peanut butter for breakfast. Baked lays for snacks, three one serving bags eaten at different times of the day. I don't consider myself stable today, but there's always tomorrow. The only other thing I may have today is one apple. I am still a bit off but moving toward sanity perhaps. Lots of water, drinking lots of water, and hoping to cut the caffiene since it only makes me more crazy.

This has been a ponderous ramble. I feel better.

Return to Sanity

I am getting my calm back. I'm propped up in bed under the covers. I just gave my birds fresh water and the finches are happily splashing in the bath. They love to take baths. I am not sure how the other birds feel about drinking their bathwater. Since they are the smallest birds in the cage and get picked on sometimes, maybe it balances things out a little. Anyway, the happy splashing of the finches reminds me of how content I can be just snuggled up in my room on a cold winter night.

The past few days I have been crazy. It peaked yesterday evening when I felt so totally overwhelmed that I found myself at the point where I believed I could not do anything at all. The thought of getting my house ready to show, and showing it and all that entails just made me nuts. I had spent days obsessing over the whole house thing and riding a rollercoaster of my own invention. And I had started eating things. But it all calmed down after one unexpected phone call.

I had left some online messages about a couple of properties. Something I never do. I am usually too impatient to do that, I just pick up the phone. A very pleasant woman called me late in the evening to respond to the messages. We got to talking about my situation and she said that they had lots of people interested in my zip code. She even thought the school district was good and said she had friends who taught here. She had an associate with their agency that does lease options. She said that he may be interested in leasing my property from me and then he would take on the responsibility of leasing it out with option to buy to someone else. She was really interested in getting us together. She would help me find something to buy and he would help me figure out what to do with my house. It all sounded so positive and logical and even probable.

As we talked ALL my anxiety melted away. I felt so much relief. In fact, I just quit obsessing right there. We set up an appointment for Thursday (tomorrow) and I made a couple of phone calls today to my lender about some things and the answers were good. I spent very little time today even thinking about the situation. I don't know if we'll make any deals or if it will be the ultimate solution, but it broke the cycle. It interrupted the doom and gloom thinking. And today I was back to normal eating. And I feel like myself again.

Thank goodness somebody intervened because I was getting to be a real mess. I don't know if this nice real estate agent has any idea what she did for me. She was just doing what she normally does. But for me it was divine intervention.

One of my favorite movies for children is James and the Giant Peach. I love that movie. One line from it is "Try looking at it a different way" or something close to that. It is in reference to problem solving. That's all I need to do sometimes. And this time it took the help of a stranger to get me to look at things from a different point of view. (Ithink I will make it a point to watch that movie again really soon. If I had it on DVD I would watch it in bed tonight.)

Thanks for putting up with my obsessing. It is nice to have this online diary to record my feelings and even get great feedback from my good buddies.

Anyway, no bizarre food events today but the last couple of days were real slippery and totally off the beam for me. It is good to be back and not to have gone for too long. I can remember entire weeks and longer of being "off" in my eating. So here's to progress!

Danger Zone

I know I am in the danger zone. I need to pull in the heavy artillery. Yesterday I had a rather sad meeting with a real estate agent. She's a good agent, but the news was not good. It would be a miracle to get enough money for my house to pay my loan and pay her fee. I have not listed yet, just want to look at all options. But I am going to put it on the market ASAP. I feel so stressed and a whole bunch of other emotions. I fell into some old behavior last night. I ordered pizza for my daughter and a friend, and I had probably two whole peices. I wanted to eat stuff. I wanted to find the right stuff to eat to make the stress go away. But there is no food to take away reality or stress, and I can't even get comfort from it. So I had the pizza and went to bed. I stressed until I slept and I woke up with the same stressing and anxiety.

I want to detach from the stress and move on, focus on something else. Make decisions and then focus on something else. Something positive. I am going to have to turn to something else or I will turn to eating nervously and ruin my progress. I am not going to let this whole lousy situation take away my progress and spill into every other aspect of my life. I just can't do that to myself. I feel bleak right now. The sky is grey and it is cold outside. The trees are bare and the light is dim. I want to find a warm cozy spot in my mind to hang onto, and ride this out. Think positive I keep telling myself but I see right now is thousands of dollars going down the toilet.

But I don't have to add additional body fat to the picture. In fact I could confirm my resolve to lose and fight back with weight loss.

Thank goodness for Panera Bread Co.

Here I sit in a cozy booth with my daughter (who wants her turn on the laptop in a half hour) with free wireless internet access. Our cable internet access is out at home, but the cable tv works....not sure how that happens, but it did. I am glad to have electricity though. I did nothing today but lay around in bed under the covers watching TV news, getting up once in a while, but mostly resting in bed. I think I just got a little too hyped up yesterday and stayed up way too late. I was really tired. So here I am refueling at 5 pm on a latte and a sandwich. I could not eat all the bread with the sandwich. It wasn't that I purposely did not eat it. I just could not eat it, lost interest, and pitched it. I had chicken salad but there was way too much mayo. I still marvel at the concept of me not eating the really good bread by choice. One of life's little blessings.

I weighed in today but was only down 8 tenths of a pound. So I am still 177, but barely. Maybe the scale will move soon. Today was such a lazy day though and I did not keep track of food. But there was not anything dangerous to eat, so I don't think it was a particularly bad day. It just could have been better I suppose. My body feels smaller today. My legs. I am craving a trip to the gym. But tonight it will have to be Tae Bo Billy becuase the gym closes early on Saturday. The ice storm slowed things down for us, but we were still able to get out. We are supposed to get more so I thought I'd get out now, and do my blogging. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Anyway, not much measured progress today in weight but any day I see the 170's instead of the 200's or the 190's or the 180's is a happy day for me right now. I believe now that I can lose the weight, and the changes in my eating habits are no longer a huge struggle. One thing that has helped me since July is that I don't ever give up and throw in the towel when I do go off of an eating plan. I just get back to sane eating as soon as possible and keep going.

This Bread Company cafe is really nice. Our booth is by the fireplace. We went to the bookstore and each got a book to read while the other has her turn online. It is a cozy way to spend a cold, icey Saturday evening. I am glad I finally crawled out of bed and fixed myself up enough to go out!!

Much can happen in two days

Thursday night I decided we are going to move, even if I have to take a loss on the sale of my house. The school district is not good anymore. So many students test below proficient on the state assessment tests that the curriculum is now impacted. Less electives, more time devoted to the core subjects. No clubs or activities, after school time is devoted to kids who don't do their homework. So much discipline problems that there are no school activities. I compared statistics on districts. Ican do much better for my daughter. She has five years of school before college. I want to put her somewhere where she will not be intimidated and where she can enjoy school and have extracurricular activities at the school. What really pushed me to the limit was my particular subdivision. There is a large group of teenagers who are disrespectful, loud, intimidating and basically want to behave like they are in gangs. Profanity, gang references. It started in the past year and it is getting worse. I have tried calling the police about the noise and profanity, but they don't really do anything. Plus, I am tired of supervising this corner of the neighborhood. It is not worth it. I thought I saw some sort of gun in the hand of a kid Thursday night and that is the final straw. I kept trying to give them all the benefit of the doubt. It is a lifestyle difference, and I can't adapt. I am not going to fight the battle of the declining neighborhood while my daughter gets a substandard education.
So I got busy this morning or actually Friday morning, and called the mortgage company for the payoff on the house - I just bought it 15 months ago, a lamb led to the slaughter, I wanted my daughter to stay in the same school district (hah!) because at the time she was still in grade school and things seemed okay but in reality there were signs, I am just so much to myself, I did not know anyone with kids in the middle school. And for some reason people just don't really talk about what's going on here as far as the schools go, there's some code they speak in about it, and I did not know the code I guess. So I ended upon the phone with the mortgage guy getting myself pre approved for a loan to buy another house, and I also talked to one agent who will come see my house this weekend. I am going to call another agent as well. My main concern is selling this one. It will be a miracle to get what I owe on it. The market has changed and the area has gone down in prices for some of the homes. But I don't feel trapped anymore. I felt trapped before, like I had to stay, even though I had begun to realize that the best thing would be to move. Thursday night I decided I would move even if I had to sell the house, and move to an apartment so long as I could get a better school district. It is so nice that I can get data on school districts, too. I am an experienced home buyer now and I have learned some lessons. I like my house a lot. It's a nice house, but we have to move on. But I really do love house shopping!
Well, that's been my preoccupation the past 30 hours or so but I feel much better. I made a decision and took actions. I did not overeat. If anything I ate less. When I get on a roll with something like this nowadays, I tend to forget food. I still think that is so funny, me forgetting food.

So another adventure.

We are also having ice. Falling from the sky that is. My power may go out. I have canned goods, dry goods, batteries and such. Candles, etc. I have what I need for today and my daughter is happy. I think I'll get some sleep now and rest up for the days to come. I feel some new weight loss coming on. I may be iced in for the weekend but I can still get lots of exercise getting this house ready to show. Thank you to anyone who made it through this long ramble of mine!

Report from the groovy new laptop

Today I was really upbeat about weightloss. It was a surprise that I had lost a pound since the holidays. I had not weighed for about a week, thinking, fearing, that I had gained. But I have been feeling slimmer in the waist. In fact I am starting to feel like I have waist, if you know what I mean. The weight loss is removing what does not belong so that my figure can return. I was motivated to eat well today and stay on track. And even though I did not really want to go to the gym, I did. I got home later than usual, and I wanted to play with my new laptop after dinner. But I made myself wait, and went to the gym for cardio, abs and upper body. Now that more of the fat is gone I can see results from my workouts easier and it is more rewarding.

This morning I ate a bigger breakfast, with more protein. That worked out nicely. Over the weekend I was reading the People Magazine Half Their Size issue. I love it when they do that. They feature several people who had lost large amounts of weight and some articles about how they did it. There was also an article about a woman who lost weight by reversing her daily diet to have her dinner at breakfast. Since I tend to overeat in the evening, I liked the idea of having the lighter meal at night, because for me sometimes I think the bigger meal somehow triggers my eating so I want to keep going. Who knows... It is hard for me to do the bigger breakfast when I have to go to work so early. Today I did it easily because I was home. But I am going to make it a point to try and get a good breakfast in each day. I may just pack it and eat it after I get to work.

I am really happy to be blogging from bed this evening in my room on my groovy new laptop with wireless internet access. Getting this laptop was an exprerience in itself, an exercise of patience and a departure from instant gratification. It took about six weeks for me to finally get it and for me to wait that long for something is pretty amazing. And all the glitches and customer service conversations were actually good for me. I dealt with people easier this time, I really felt patience and diplomacy most of the time. I got a little edgey toward the end but overall it felt nice to handle a frustrating situation in a new way by communicating and negotiating more than complaining and being angry. I learned many things. And I feel that the progress I have been making in my recovery from compusive eating is related to my progress in dealing with life itself.

But it sure is nice to have it up and running now. It makes it so easy to blog and do my daily computing. Blogging really has been a lifesaver for me. It is fantastic to have a network of awesome people here online to share experiences, information and hope with. It is just way too cool for words. I am one grateful, happy girl today.

Stabilized

I weighed this morning, and I am a pound less than my pre Christmas weight. I am hoping by official weigh in day on Saturday I might even lose another pound. I was thinking of changing official weigh in day to Monday. The idea of weighing after the weekend could keep me on track better. Weekends may not be too bad though, that is when I get the most exercise. Anyway, things are getting back to normal as far as eating goes. And my exercise has increased, I can feel the difference already.

My laptop is now in the same city as me, according to the tracking information, so it should come by Fed Ex today. I should be blogging more once I get it up and running. I have already installed the wireless router, for internet access from anywhere but there could be glitches to work out. My daughter is sick and I kept her home today. I am thinking of staying home myself. There is a slight lull in the bombardment of work at my office, but there is a stack of files in there waiting for me to review since last week, so I should go in and make sure that gets done.

My thought for the day is this. Yesterday I had to accept some difficult truths about my family. It was really sad for me, but instead of reaching for any comfort food, I just cried. I cried a whole lot. I felt dispair and some anger and fear and all sorts of versions of sad. Then big wave of emotions passed and I carried on. There was no big food binge. The reality is that food won't take away any of that pain, it only adds to it. So I am glad that I did not eat my way through my emotions yesterday. I just felt them all, and they passed. And I can carry on. Sure, I will be sad from time to time and experience a range of emotions, but it actually felt good to release them in the natural way.

2007

My holiday break ended too fast. It was a wonderful time, though, relaxing and getting along with my daughter. Without the pressures of school and work, we get along just great. I started back to work on the 2nd and she goes back tomorrow, the 8th. After New Year's when I weighed two pounds had slipped back on. I guess I got careless, but I am keeping track again, and still happy about my overall weight loss last year. The scale keeps going down further, even with a few ups along the way. I have gotten back in the work out habit. I am going to the gym regularly again. I had my grandson over this weekend and brought his new bike so we could bike ride together. The weather was not too cold to go out and ride so we both got some exercise together.

Things are getting back to normal. And I have to admit feeling a little post holiday blues here and there. But there's plenty to do, and plenty to look forward to. I have had computer issues, again. And, the laptop I had to re-order back in the beginning of December still has not arrived, and in fact was delayed again. The good news about that is I have recieved so far $150 in coupons for HP merchandise, and got myself a free printer and a free laptop carrying case in the even the laptop ever gets here! And, they took an additional $50 off the laptop price, plus by virtue of the price going down I got $70 more dollars taken off the purchase price. So, again, if I ever get it, it will be a bargain. I assume I will get it, but it seems like something of a lottery and a very abnormal shopping experience.

My computer time has been limited - I used to take a blog break at work and did much of my blogging there. But it is just way too busy these days and I seldom take a break at all, wanting to get finished so I can go home on time. I do use the computer at home sometimes but had some glitches in the past couple of weeks that had to be taken care of. That's one reason I am looking forward to the laptop. It will be all mine, brand new, and I can blog from anywhere in the house, or coffee shop, etc.

Now that I am working out regularly again I am optimistic about weight loss. One thing I have to watch out for, though, is increased appetite when I work out. Sometimes it's psychological, like I feel entitled to eat more since I had a good workout. I want to do both successfully at the same time - Eat Less AND Work Out regularly. A novel idea. It seems I have done both successfully but separately, now its time to marry the two and live happily ever after. That's the goal for this year.