Men

My encounter with the leasing agent today got me thinking about me and men. You see, I took somewhat of an immediate disliking to him, and I sense he was not thrilled with me either. I think there was more to it than just "the neighborhood." For one thing, I ask a lot of questions about things, legalistic questions. I can't help it. I am a paralegal, I have a background in litigation and currently I am in contracting. So, I always look at risk, and the worst case scenario. He did not bring a contract like I suggested, so that I could look at it and see how his deal is structured. So I asked things. I put him on the defensive. I explained why I ask things and what my background is and then he revealed what I think is a pertinant fact - he said......... "Oh, my EX(emphasis added) wife is a paralegal." That fact, and him being an expert on my neighborhood may have been the kiss of death. He had nothing positive to say about the situation. Nothing. But that's his job I suppose, to reduce me down to desparation so he can get what he wants if he wants it - at a rock bottom price. And on the other side of the table was Pollyanna the sweet positive sugar coated real estate agent. Oddly enough, neither had a business card. No cards? What was that, anyway? I did like Pollyanna, but had no use for "my ex is a paralegal" And I think he had no use for me and my house in "the neighborhood". We did have a few chuckles but I doubt he faxes me a copy of his contract and I don't even hold my breath to get the depressing numbers he may work up for me.

But what does this have to do with men? I don't know except that never in my life have I had less confidence when it comes to men. Never in my life have I been more suspicious, distrustful, and downright terrified of men. I have not dated in a year. All the relationships I had since I became fat have been bad, and the ones I had before that were bad and I could not blame that on being fat. But the fat ones have been a different kind of bad. A rock bottom bad that made me just give up on ever transacting anything with a man again. I hate feeling this way but it is the gut level honest truth. I think this leasing agent guy was just one more encounter of negativity that had to do with a man, even if it had nothing to do with his manness at all. Or did it?

Well, with that I had a big big big big amount of pasta with parmesian cheese for dinner. Some bits of chicken. And a salad. Soup for lunch with the agent duo, and a PBJ made with low cal bread and reduced fat peanut butter for breakfast. Baked lays for snacks, three one serving bags eaten at different times of the day. I don't consider myself stable today, but there's always tomorrow. The only other thing I may have today is one apple. I am still a bit off but moving toward sanity perhaps. Lots of water, drinking lots of water, and hoping to cut the caffiene since it only makes me more crazy.

This has been a ponderous ramble. I feel better.