Saturday

I was remembering this past Christmas and our seemingly quiet old life just now, and when I do that I feel sad. It will never be the same. Then I feel a pang of guilt for feeling sad. My new life will have many joys and I believe will be a much richer life, but there is sadness in the loss of the old one. My daughter understands and feels it, too. But our loss is nowhere near what my grandson's loss must be. His entire home, his everyday life and the one person that it mainly revolved around are completely gone. I cannot imagine how that feels any more than I can fathom that all that is left of Grandma Ronni is contained in the small urn we brought home from the memorial today. We must still be in shock.

My weight held steady at 175 but I think I am real close to moving down another pound. That is, if I recover from today's eating. I had a cappuccino for breakfast waiting for the therapist who was basically a no show. He is fired. I called him when it was 10 o'clock and his office was locked and I got a voice mail stating it was full. Full voice mail is a bad sign. Then I told my granson we would give him five minutes. Then after five minutes he said "I know what Uncle Scott would say about this" and I said "what?" He said "He'd say the Lord is telling us we should go." I think he had a good point. So I called the number again and an somewhat agitated voice answered, and I said we were his 10 o'clock appointment. He said he was fixing a flat. I said we would let him go and good luck with that. He did not apologize. I don't want to give him another chance. One of my best friends is a therapist. I ran it past her. She said she'd keep her book with her and if something came up she'd call her client immediately. In fact, if I had a flat on the way, I'd immediately call him. But stuff happens. People are human. But we are going to someone else next time. It was frustrating to get us up early when we so much needed sleep, and go all the way there to a locked door.

The next thing I ate was a sandwich, a healthy low calorie/low fat sandwich. And some unsweetened applesauce. After that I do not recall anymore food until after the memorial at the mexican restaurant. I munched chips and salsa with nervous hunger until we got our meals. Mine was a half order of nachos covered with salad. Then more chips. Then coffee with ice cream. Then it was over. I had a yogurt this evening. And a fourth of a banana. Me and bananas do not get along well but I think they are a wonderful food. But a small bit is my limit. I am finished eating and it is late. I think I can recouperate from the chips. Lots of water.

Tomorrow my California brother is visiting with us briefly after a convention he just happens to be attending this weekend. I am picking him up at the hotel in the afternoon and then surprising my other brother (Uncle Scott) by bringing him by. He only has a few hours. I was going to cook but I am way too pooped to even imagine putting a meal together. So we will order out most likely and I will try to be extra good to make up for today.

My sister comes in for a visit from California next week. We will see her Thursday night most likely and then on Sunday. I want so much to get my house together. All I could do today was vaccum the carpeted steps to the upstairs and keep up with laundry and dishes. I managed to pass out some more flyers on the missing cat, and search the attic again. No trace.

Maybe I can get a walk in tomorrow at least or a bike ride if it is not too cold.