Normal BMI

Today I reached the 148 goal........BMI is 24.5. Cut off for normal is 24.9. I extended my goal to 145 to lose another 3 pounds. That was my original goal - because that's what my driver's license reads...hee hee.

I feel like fireworks should be shooting off somewhere. I am very tired this morning. It has been a long week of post car accident stuff. I am even too tired to write about it all. I can say that I have prevailed in the struggles I have had so far. I am now tasked with buying a car (again) but feel somewhat prepared.

It all seems to go so fast. Everything. Cars, boyfriends, school for the kids. Today is the last day of school. I want to slow down and pay attention. I am deeply grateful for the support I have on here. I feel so fortunate to have found this blogging world and my fellow blogging buddies. I don't know what I'd do without you all.

I am going to get that book Lynn suggested in her comment on my last post. I can't wait to read it.

It feels good to reach a goal. Part of how I reached was by accepting the idea that I might not, and accepting little victories instead of waiting for the one big momement.

When I am not so wiped out tired I will write more.

But for today let's let out a big woo hoo or something. Over the weekend I will post my before and afters if I can get to it. I bought more clothes. The baggy stuff for work just didn't fly anymore. My pants were falling down.

I have new saying that keeps ringing in my head - Food is Grossly Over-rated.

More will be revealed!!!!

I can't tell you if I accomplished anything today.....but I don't care. This was a complete I don't care day. I did care about what I ate, though, I was not super drastic, but I was careful. I will go back on super drastic tomorrow.

I had no car, I slept in, I called the insurance people. I called the rental car place and found out that I could not get a car, and I did not care. In fact I was kinda glad. I talked on the phone to some friends. I also was told that the X was going out with someone, but not from a reliable source. And get this, it actually made me feel good in a weird sort of way. Kind of a feeling of finality. I guess I was sort of hanging on to that little dream of him showing up as a completely changed man and begging me to take him back. More realistic though is the fact that he more than likely found someone more suited to the way he is now. Which is what I can do. Be with someone who does not need to change, someone who is good for me the way they are now. What a concept, right???

I was supposed to meet a guy today. But cancelled because of the car accident thing. He was a guy from the dating website. I am still hesitant about that sort of thing but thought I'd go ahead and meet this one. He appears to be responsible, gainfully employed, drivers license and car, in fact apparently has five cars and mortorcycle. My age. Perhaps a tad overweight. Likes some of the same things I like to do. He had a kind face so I decided to meet him. And eventually most likely will but I am not putting much into it, just doing it to socialize with little if any expectations. It is nice to feel this way about it. The no expectations part. Actually I feel like I am making myself do it so I will move on.

I have done some work in my room, a little at a time. And, planted a few more flowers. It has rained much and the ground is soggy and easy to plant. Took a walk for exercise yesterday in spite of the car accident. And I am going to make myself take a walk tonight. I ate white rice and now I feel guilty.

I am still pushing for those one forties. Two pounds to my interim goal, which I have already decided to take off three more after that and then stop losing for a while. Work on fitness. I want to get excited about life again, but feel kinda down today. thought too much about the X this weekend and then found out the tidbit of gossip. Why is it that I break up with a guy, knowing he is not good for me, and then I am sad that he does not miraculously change, just for me, and come back begging??? I need a reality check.

more will be revealed.....

Total Surrender and Movement on the Scale

Oh happy day it was this morning when I got on the scale and saw I was two pounds down to 150. I knew then that I was headed to the 140's. Then I went to church which was really nice because a friend of mine who could not make it told me her boyfriend would be there and I should sit with him. That was sweet. They just happened to try the church by my house and liked it so they are going to go every week. And now I am going to go and sit with them on Sundays. I don't have to go alone. Anyway, her boyfriend was nice, I already knew him. We had a good talk before church and church was great. I even went and had a lady pray with me for my family, etc. I surrendered my life as I do every day but it always feels that much more surrendered when I do it at church.

Then, after church I had to go pick up my daughter and it stormed. I made it through sheets of rain and hail. It cleared up a little and then I hit a big fat van that decided to pull out in front of me at an intersection along the way. So, here I am again, back stiffening, car towed away, feeling a bit in shock. Shakey and in physical pain. The nice thing was I immediately called my girlfriend's boyfriend who had been to church with me and he came and got me, took me to get Haley, and took us home. What a nice guy. So the thought for the day is I don't need a boyfriend because I can borrow the nice boyfriend of my girlfriend.

As I lay here in bed, comfy and waiting for the muscle relaxors to take effect, I have a firm conviction to embrace the car accident as God's will. I am sick of driving. I did not like that car anyway. I needed a couple of days without putting gas in the tank. I like drugs. Hmm what else can I say? I am not going to let it get me down. That is my point. I was still sick with a cold. I need to lay in bed and take care of myself. The nicest part was that I had someone to call. I never feel like I have anyone to call but really felt I could call that guy and he'd do anything I needed. That amazes me still. I am a person who finds it hard to ask for help and accept help. The reality of surrender is that I can't do it alone.

So happy holiday. I am going to see the 140's in the next day or two. Life is good. Strange perhaps and unpredictable, but good.

More will be revealed.

Day 5 Better Spirits

I am in a much better mood today even though the cold is still raging. I did not eat much yesterday. But it was on plan. Then at night (ah yes, the evil night eating) I had a pop tart and a half. I am keeping it all in perspective. I have not lost any weight yet but I fully expect to sometime because for over 90% of the week I have been doing good. It's just a bad week for exercise, and my health sucks.

I am in great spirits though this morning with some energy. Probably because I am leaving two hours early today and it's a three day weekend. I have my food for the day in the fridge at work so I am prepared. I am not hungry though. That's the problem. I am not hungry for anything, and then I get sugar craving.....whatever.

I am letting it all go today. I want to be happy and enjoy the day being productive. A woman at work, don't even know her name came up behind me while I was talking to my secretary and asked me how I lost weight and just kept repeating how great I looked, etc. She must be my guardian angel. I really needed the boost. No pop tart can take that away from me today.

Maybe all the snot in my head is keeping the scale from going down. That's it, right?

Day 4 Super Drastic

Yesterday around 4 pm I had a stress meltdown and ate all kinds of junk. Snared by the work snacks. I came home disgusted with myself. Later had high fiber cereal, lots of it of course and went to bed. The cold was at its peak, I felt lousy, I gave up. Today, I had NO appetite until just now at 3 pm and I had turkey and salsa. So I guess I am back on super drastic after my big slip yesterday. It's all water under the bridge and I will survive.

All I care about right now is getting better and taking care of myself through this cold/flu whatever it is. Lots of fluid. Also, taking care of the kids and doing my job. that is quite enough. I had cable people over switching my phone service today and worked from home until two. Brother is still there and I am working with him. At least he cleans. He is keeping the kitchen spotless. He is pursuing an apartment lead today. I think I will get on my knees and pray.

OK. I am going to have some fun this weekend if it kills me. It's a three day weekend. There better be fun. I have also been poking around online dating sites, and that is fun for me. I don't take any of it personal like I used to so it's just fun and it takes my mind off the X. I can do it from bed with my laptop, too. How convenient. And, it helps me define what I want and who I am. One of them has the most complex string of questions I have ever had, like a battery of tests. But it really made me think about stuff. Who knows, it could even lead me to a nice date or two. If not, it's a convenient form of recreation.

Well, there has been no exercise. I am sick so I am resting. I will get back to that when I am well.

more will be revealed.

PS I have pounds of lettuce waiting for me in the fridge so I will do super drastic at least until the lettuce runs out. hee hee

Day 3 Super Drastic

I stuck to plan perfectly yesterday. But I dipped into the caffeine. I am sick with a bad cold. I had trouble sleeping the night before. I don't want to continue the caffeine but I have been doing it since Sunday. It's a drug. I am not going to be too hard on myself. My back is pain free now, and I am cutting back the medicines for that. My mental state is tired but peaceful. I am letting the cold run its course. Everyone in the house has it.

I like eating like this. But I am looking forward to fruit and my high fiber cereals. I feel kinda bloated today. I need to flush more water through my system. I am amazed that I am having no problem sticking to my plan of eating. It is simpler - less decision making. Less food groups to choose from. There is something to that for me. I could do this off and on for a while perhaps. But I am staying in today. Like do this during the week end then add my high fiber cereal and fruit on the weekends.

Brother returned. I was relieved to see him alive. We had very long talk. He understands and admits his path was too narrow and he needs to change. He agrees he is going to have to live in the world by at least enough of the world's standards to have his own place, etc. He said he never wants to go through what he went through in the past week again. It was good we did not rescue him. He does not admit to a mental illness but he is agreeable to talking at least with clergy (who may be able to get him on board with some sort of help for his mental state). He is going to move out as quickly as he can. I was able to explain and he was able to understand what the deal is about all that. My sister is going to put us in touch with a social worker friend. He has money saved, which is a huge plus..

I wish life were simpler. Right now I can only simplify my thoughts and focus on one thing at a time. So right now I am going to focus on this contract on my desk. And be grateful for all the good in my life.

more will be revealed.

Day 2 of Super Drastic

Day one went remarkably well. I was very busy. I did not eat everything I had planned. For some reason I did not have a very big appetite. Here is a rundown of my eating plan. For breakfast I am having boiled eggs (2 medium) and spinach and celery. Instead of eggs I can have lean turkey ham and spinach. I like spinach in the morning, and celery. For lunch a big salad with turkey and other veggies. For dinner I had tuna with melted American cheese yesterday because I had to eat before I left the office. When I got home I had some chicken and turkey breast before bed. Other nights when I can cook at home I will have fish and veggies. For snacks I am having lean lunch meat, raw veggies dipped in yogurt. Yesterday I did not want snacks. But yesterday I cheated on my caffeine abstinence because I had little sleep the night before and I was on those meds for my back (which is getting much better). I had frozen coffee light, added them in the plan and they still kept me under my calorie count. Today I am back to caffeine free.

That's my basic plan. I am keeping raw radishes on hand to munch as a snack, too. I love them. Hopefully this evening I will have time to clean and cut up other veggies to keep on hand for snacks in the following days. I feel pretty good this day and am cutting my medicines in half. I am sipping herb tea. I have had a cough and sore throat the past couple of days. Exercise was little yesterday, had no time. Today I can make a gym trip on my lunch break if all goes well. With feeling a little sick I may not push myself too hard, but I am going to do something. The moon is full and it may be a real nice evening for a dog walk to the swan pond.

I feel good about what I am doing this week. It feels healthy. I was down two pounds today so I lost what I gained in my emotional eating. I am back at 152. If I keep this up I will FINALLY move forward. It seems like I have been stuck a while. But really there is still time to register some sort of loss for May. And, I have maintained my loss from April - so that's something to be happy about.

Brother is still wandering the state. My Mom was contacted by some sheriff out in the middle of the state. She told them he needed to be evaluated, too. No one wants to mess with that and they think it's fine if he wanders all over the place because the Lord tells him to. They took him to a place where he could stay but he would not fill out the forms or give him name. Sheriff eventually let him out at a truck stop. He is in God's hands. I just keep repeating that as my mantra. My Mom was wanting me to let him stay with me some more. That's how it works in my family. I am trying to detach from all of that and just do my work.

Overall I am excited about my special food plan this week. It feels good and I believe I will get some results.

More will be revealed.

Prepared for Super Drastic

I shopped and planned. I have my greens and veggies. I have my lean meat. I made food plans through Thursday. I start tomorrow. It is sort of a de-tox and kick off to lose the last pounds. This weekend was tricky on eating. Friday night I ate cheesecake that brother left in the fridge. I ate cereal out the wazoo last night and even in the middle of the night. So I need to get a grip. I have been emotionally eating I know due to the brother situation.

I made a missing person report yesterday and then I got a 4 a.m. call that he was walking down the highway outside of Kansas City, we live in the St. Louis area, so he was clear across the state. I told the sheriff I thought he needed to be taken for an evaluation and that he was delusional and not in good mental health. They did not seem worried about him. They had me talk to him. I told him I what I thought. He did not buy it. So I guess he is out walking the highway still. He is in God's hands. I have no intention of driving across the state to get him or bringing him back here. But I also have no intention of gaining weight and hating myself over it either.

I went to church today. It is a church near home. I found out when their singles class is and will go next week. I liked the service. I also talked to a friend of mine who said she and her boyfriend are going there now. So that's nice, too. I want to meet new people. And I will.

I have been taking it easy today but I did plant some flowers and do my grocery shopping for my south beach phase one week. I want to at least do the weekedays on that plan. Just for fun, to see how it impacts me. I call it Super Drastic because for me it is. My back was hurting super bad so I have been taking the medicine for it and it makes me drowsy, blah and it lowers my resistance to eating stuff I don't want to really eat. I am relaxing and reading on the back patio near my flowers, and I am also going shopping with daughter soon. That should be fun.

So even though super drastic starts tomorrow, today needs to be well behaved. I already hit the cereal too hard in the a.m. but I stopped and had a prudent salad for lunch and apple for snack.

More will be revealed.

PS - the shopping was fun. I got a black dress in a 1o with a little floral half cardigan type thing to wear with it. I got two pairs of Summer size 6 pants that have a stretchy type waist. They are cute. I got two tops. I think that is all. It was great to find smaller sizes that fit and cute stuff. The problem with dresses is my top is bigger than my bottom. So the bottom is loose and the top is snug but it still works. Maybe I will post photos of my spring fling wardrobe.

In God's Hands

It is Friday night and I am propped up contentedly in bed with my laptop and a good book. Today went well in the eating and exercise department. I was detoxing off of two days of eating more than I planned. I went to the gym right after work. I did not have to run any kids anywhere, so I could work out and then grocery shop. It was nice. Real nice. I did not have a big appetite after working out. I think that 5:30 work out is a good time for me. But it does not necessarily work with my home life unless everyone can have a late dinner. They may not mind. I will ask. Maybe a couple times a week. Or they can make their own....what a concept. Good for building independent living skills.

I wanted to post tonight because tomorrow will be prison visit day and I will be gone from sunrise until sunset. I appreciate all the comments about the situation with my brother. Since my breakup I have been realizing how overloaded I have been. There are some things I cannot change, like work. But there are many things I can. Even with the kids - I can have them do more jobs around the house. They can prepare meals. They already do their own laundry, which I think is fantastic. But they can do even more, and it is good for them. As for other family members who are adults, they are going to have to take responsibility for themselves or get help from other people.

My brother is in God's hands. He has not returned. I have heard nothing from him and it is the third night he has been gone. He is not one to call people at all so it does not surprise me. I am letting it go for now. If anyone is being watched over it would be him.

I am letting go of everything tonight. The past, my mistakes, my worries. I am going to bed and getting a good night's rest. I feel peaceful. I have put in a good day on this earth and I have earned my rest.

I am looking forward to my travels tomorrow. And looking forward to the rest of the weekend. I hope to get out in the garden and get those flowers in the ground on Sunday. And get one quarter of my room cleaned. I am taking it in sections. Those are my only solid goals.

Food was calling me yesterday and the day before, but today it subsided. I am happy that I am keeping off my recent loss. I want to gear up for more loss. I feel confident I can push on very soon. My workouts are regular, and my appetite is stable. I want to do something different with my diet next week. I want to do the south beach phase one type eating. No breads, fruits. Mainly veggies and lean meat. I'd like to do it for a week just for the heck of it to see what happens. I can do anything for just one week, right?

For now I am putting everything, my eating, my kids, my brother, my parents, my present, my future, you name it, in God's hands.

Reinvention - Another Version of Drastic

I feel like I need to get drastic about some other stuff in my life. I am far to focused on everyone else's problems and still less focused on taking care of me. I seem to get stuck in feelings (negative ones) and don't get nearly as much out of life as I could if I turned my sights toward something pleasant more often.

I have a book for reading after a breakup. It's a funny, but very insightful and practical book. I got it out (finally) and was reading in it yesterday. It has a chapter on the "breakover" meaning a makeover after your breakup. To get a person moving on. It is all about moving on, really, the whole book, and avoiding staying stuck in negative thinking. So I am going to start my breakover today. It is about emerging from experiences with a better version of myself.

I am trying to compile a list of new things to do that I have been wanting to do but put off for whatever reason. Then I am going to pick some things to do and do them. I am also going to clean that room of mine which looks more like a giant, messy storage facility than a bedroom. It has loads of potential, just needs some time and effort. And a bunch of trash bags.. I have a goal to make an impact by the end of the weekend. I want a noticeable difference. Otherwise I will post embarrassing photos of it on my blog.

I need positive activities to focus on. Things to look forward to. I need these to balance out the other stuff I have to deal with. Support groups are good, and I have some of those but I need fun, enrichment, excitement, creativity, intellectual gratification and so on. I don't want to just survive. I WANT TO THRIVE!!!!!!

OK. So here are some of my ideas

Plant the flowers and put in a bench or swing in the grassy area of the back yard. Do some decorating. Get the patio ready and have people over. I have friends, I just need to call and invite them over, even if it is just one at a time.

Get the camera battery (stolen by electronics hijacking teenage daughter) and start taking pictures again. Get the slideshow software and put together the slideshow that's been in my head for about a year now.

Take Bass lessons. I have the guitar. Bite the bullet. Spend the money, sign up for a month or so of weekly lessons and see if I like playing. If not, I can move the giant amp out of my room and clear some space.

Take charge of the bedroom, spend a little money and redesign my spaces for music, computer work, etc. Make it pretty.

Get a pedicure, or some other beautifying spa-like thing done.

Go to a new church, one with a singles group, and go to the singles thing. I am single so how about hanging out with some single people.

Those are just a few things. I need to make a bigger list and put things on them even if they don't seem possible right now.

I need to get out of the lowgrade funky feeling I have been having. I am sick of it. It is like a black cloud - I start feeling good and then I go "oh yea, blah blah blah (insert negative situations like brother, kids in prison, break up, and so on)" and then I let that gloomy thing creep over me again, and I feel like I can't do anything. But I can do stuff. Perhaps I need a mantra like "I can do stuff" to say over and over again.

That's my Friday inspiration.

The Difference - Facing Reality Without Binging

Last night I had a bit of a blow up with my brother. He left and I have not seen him since. He left on foot. He has a pattern of walking off when he is upset and not letting anyone know where he is. If I don't see him this evening I will file a missing person report with the police. He left his wallet, money, ID, etc. I lost my patience with him and I regret that. Next time I see him I am going to insist he get an evaluation. I don't know much about dealing with mentally ill people. Especially ones who don't think they are mentally ill. He made one too many remarks about my daughter. I guess my instinct to protect my daughter is much stronger than my instinct to protect my brother.

I ate more for dinner than I planned. It was right after the blow up. In the evening I had a bowl of cereal at movie time. This was not overeating or binging. It was normal eating but I was wanting to eat less so I could lose. It was not enough to gain, just enough to maintain. That's a big difference. In the past emotional eating would be a binge and it would spill over into the next days, sometimes even weeks. But now I see that my emotional eating was an extra snack and a fourth of a bagel with butter, and a small helping of tortellini. I had planned to eat much less, but if this is as bad as it gets, I am fine with it. I accept it. In fact, I am happy that is all I did.

I have denied the stress of having my mentally ill brother show up and stay with me for now almost two months. I have tried to be patient and accept him the way he is but the truth of the matter is he has trouble getting along and living around other people. He is delusional and borderline. Hard to communicate with because if I try and discuss things with him he will start saying that the Lord says something when it is obvious that it is his own agenda. I am providing a home for two middle school children. I have no help, financial or other. I do pretty good. I am still adjusting to adding an adolescent boy. A mentally ill 50 something man is too much, I have to draw the line. I am thinking of Vickie's line in the sand.

I am facing reality. My brother is mentally ill. I don't have the capacity to house and supervise a mentally ill person. I don't have the ability to support an adult. I have enough on my plate already. I've been trying to get along with it but I don't have enough of whatever it takes. I need to dig up the mental health numbers that my sister's friend e-mailed me and call someone and talk to them. Even if my brother does not think he as a problem and refuses treatment I can get some information on what I need to do. I will make use of the professionals who know more about this than me.

I'm facing reality and eating normally. What a concept. That's something to be grateful for.

Mid May Challenge

It's the middle of May already. Time seems to have flown by this month. I want to loose four pounds by the end of the month. In fact that would put me at my current goal. I would like to lose a little more after that but first I need to reach that goal.

Here's my plan:

Tackle the evening eating: I have had several days in a row where I was able to stop eating early in the evening. This helped get my weight back down from my fluctuation last week. Not eating in the evening is a major breakthrough so I am going to continue with it.

Measuring: I want to make sure I am measuring. When I start to slack, my portions get bigger. Especially in the evening when I am cooking dinner. If I am going to taste what I am cooking, it needs to be measured and accounted for. This may sound drastic but I think I need it.

Log in at night and make a final tally for the day: I have a food plan in the morning but in the evening I often have not planned the whole day out, and I don't log back in and add what I had. So, I either need to start having a complete plan (this would work best) or once I have figured out what I am having, add it to the plan.

Exercise - I want to get back to cardio every day. I have slacked a little but not too badly. In order to get these pounds off I am going to need to push myself. For a month or so around Christmas I went every day and did well with that. I will try to get back to that. Weather is nice so I can bike ride and dog walk, too. I also want to add more toning and get what is left of my body firm.

I've been doing pretty good but it is easy to get sloppy so I am re-dedicating myself to focusing on the challenging areas.

I hope this works. I am getting kind of excited again. I shopped last night and bought a size 6 pair of Capri's. They are a little tight and they are the stretch denim fabric. But for me to squeeze myself comfortably into them is a miracle. I don't recall wearing that size in my entire adult life.

Mother's Day Revisited

Last year I had major depression just before Mother's Day. I am happy to say that this year was far better. In fact the difference is huge. This year I can tell how much better off I am emotionally. I can tell that I have taken care of myself and dealt with some of my biggest specters from the past. It is nice to be able to see and feel progress.

For Mother's Day I bought some flowers to plant. I have not planted yet, the weather was cold, but it is nice to have them picked out and ready to go. Saturday night my daughter and I had our Mother's Day movie night together. First we went out to dinner and I had a salad bar. Then we rented movies and spent the evening laying on the couch watching them. It was so nice to spend so much time together. I resisted eating the rest of the night. And in the morning I was back down to my low weight and ready to move forward with more weight loss. I stayed in bed until 11:30 in the morning. It was absolutely fantastic. We eventually took the two hour drive to my Mom's and stayed a couple of hours. I did not overeat like last weekend. I did have a nice meal, though, but I stopped eating. Crucial for me, stopping. Not always possible.

I feel ready to move forward with more weight loss now. I feel stabilized again and back to normal. My daughter and I visited my parents on Sunday. Mom's kitchen is a big eating trigger, but I did not overdue it. I enjoyed what she had prepared, including some lemon pound cake and strawberries but did not eat for the remainder of the day/evening, and had eaten light prior to dinner. No major impact.

I believe that getting enough rest is a big help to my moods and my appetite. And giving up the caffeine has worked wonders. I hope to keep a more rested schedule from now on and focus on doing things that relieve, rather than create stress.

The Twinkie Cake

I'm still stuck in the same weight but hanging in there. I did well last night and for me to do good in the evening is a wonderful thing. Last night turned out to be a healing experience. My daughter went to a concert in the city. The other Mom took the kids and dropped them off because she gets off work way earlier than me. So it was my job to pick them up later. I was not looking forward to it because it was going to keep me up later and the route I had to take took me through part of the city that makes me nervous. St. Louis is a very violent city with shootings going on most all the time in one area or another. The concert club is in an OK area but to get there from where I live takes me across places there I'd rather not go so much.

Then I realized that my grandson's mother lives in one of the neighborhoods I'd be passing. He was going to spend the weekend with her for Mother's Day and her birthday. I decided to drop him off a night early so he could spend the day with her Friday without her step kids being there. And so I could only make one trip to the city instead of two nights in a row. He was real happy and excited about it. I needed to take him shopping for pants for his band concert. I ended up getting him many shirts for summer because they were having a good sale. I also got him new shoes. And I got his Mom some stuff, too. The total at the checkout was pretty high. I think he was shocked when he saw it. My grandson is not used to having lots of money spent on him, or getting what he wants so easily. In fact, at some point in his life I think he gave up on wanting altogether. Since he came to live with me he has slowly been able to want things, and have things and even ask for things. I understand how he feels. There are still some things I gave up on wanting, but I am working on that, slowly but surely.

Then I suggested we bake his Mom a birthday cake. I asked what she liked. He said that we would not be able to make her favorite cake. Her mother used to make it - his grandma who died last year. It was the twinkie cake. It dawned on me that we could make the twinkie cake. It would be special for her to have it and it would mean much to my grandson. I told him we could do it. We did not have a whole bunch time. I told him he'd have to get all his stuff ready while I went to the store and got the ingredients, etc. I took him home from shopping and looked online to get the recipe for the twinkie cake. There were several versions. I picked the closest one to my memory of it. I worried I would not get it right. I wanted so much for it to be just right.

I did not have much time and still had to get to and from the store with the ingredients, and make the cake in time to leave enough time to drop him off and still get my daughter picked up on time. The grocery store was crowed and the lines were long. I ended up in one where the guy in front of us had problems with his check card. This took a really long time. Then he was short on cash and had to put some things back. It did not dawn on me until it was too late that I could have paid his shortage, so he could get all his stuff. If that ever happens again I am going to do that. I regretted not thinking of it on time.

Anyway, in spite of the grocery line experience I got home in time to put the twinkie cake together, just enough time, in fact. Then, we hit a huge traffic jam on the way down to the city. I kept my spirits up and we had a nice conversation about things. He called his Mom from the car and I heard him tell her he had a surprise for her. We got there just in time for me to drop him off and still pick my daughter up at just the right moment. It was timed perfectly. It all worked out just right. When things like that time out perfectly I feel like it is some Divine confirmation that I am on the right path.

There is a point to all this. I struggled for years with my feelings about my grandson's mother, her neglect, her abuse, her inability to parent my grandson or to meet any of his needs. At first it was hard for me to even take him to see her at all when he came to live with me. I have been very careful on his behalf. But I have seen their relationship improve after she went to a treatment program last fall. But I am still watchful. The cake was for her but it was for him. It was something I could do that gave them something very special to share. Something to heal. To soothe the loss of the mother/grandmother. To keep her memory alive. Something to heal my relationship with her and with him. It was love. Love is making a twinkie cake for someone you have feared and resented for years because you know it will make her happy and you know it will make him happy to give it to her. Love is driving to the scary part of the city to help two people have a relationship and to help them heal together from a loss they share. Love is getting clothes and shoes for someone and making sure he knows that it's no trouble and you are glad to do it. And that it makes you happy to give them to him.

I have felt sometimes that my grandson and I are not very close. He's getting older and changing. There has been some isolation between the two of us. It was wonderful to be able to spend the evening doing things for him. And making sure that he could have something special to bring his Mom. It is odd but I feel some sort of redemption for all of us in that one little cake.

I miss the grandma who died. We were friends. She raised my grandson for many years and we shared that experience. We looked out for him together and made sure he had what he needed and that he had plenty of love and kindness in his life. Maybe I made the twinkie cake for her, too.

Stuck

My weight is stuck. My weekend indulging is lingering on the scale. I will think it through more when I start popping illegals into my mouth again. Being at Mom's is a big trigger. I am going there Sunday, but will be more prepared.

I have been to the gym the past three days in a row on my lunch hour doing cardio. I have been doing my weights and abs in the morning. I have also been sticking to a good food plan. So I should recover soon from the the standstill.

I am feeling a bit blah from reading tedious, boring contracts all day. So I thought I'd take a break and make a quick post. I wish I could eat big fat burgers, cookies and chinese buffet without consequences. Maybe if it was just the burger, and then no cookies and chinese buffet following I would have had little consequence. But I basically had three days where I ate things I don't normally eat, and in larger quantity than I normally eat. That's usually the trouble with allowing for some foods that I normally avoid. It is hard to let go of the taste for them, especially sweets, in the following days.

Anyway, I am sure to recover from the evil foods. I got used to steady losing and want to get back to it. I can also look at it as a success to get back on track after a couple of days. I used to get off track for weeks!!

Settling In

I feel very settled into my life today. I feel at ease here at my desk at work. I feel no pressure even though I have many contracts to review. I have been keeping regular business hours now for about two months. I have been very careful with my communications and have been addressing the concerns my boss brought to my attention in our meeting in March. I feel like my work life is calm and settled. I have a routine. There is a feeling of security and stability in that.

Home feels settled now, too. Last night my daughter and I watched a movie together and I relaxed all evening. We have been ordering movies and watching them together. My grandson has been expanding his activities lately. He rides his bike places in the neighborhood. He went to the library the other night. I am happy about that because I felt he was isolating himself for a while, but that may be what he needed to do to adjust the big changes last year. He has a social life on some weekends and on other weekends he sees his mother. His life seems to be going nicely.

My daughter has been spending more time with me. This seemed to happen as a result of my brother staying with us. She does not like my brother at all, and does not like him staying with us. But, as a result, she spends more time with me. My brother spends time with my grandson. It works out. I think having yet another person move in after having to adjust to the grandson moving in a year ago, has put my daughter a bit over the edge. She longs for the days when it was just the two of us. So we are finding ways to do things with just each other. She even grocery shops with me. I like it.

I'm not sure what will happen with my brother. He is saving money and looking for a new place to live. He has been jogging about 15 miles to work in the mornings lately, two days last week and now two days this week so far. He makes it in about 2.5 hours. Maybe he should do marathons. I think it's amazing. I told him I'd drive him but he likes the high he gets from the run. I was resentful over the weekend about him but I am over it today. It doesn't do any good to be resentful. Plus, there is good coming out of him staying with us. I think he inspires my grandson. And his presence is pushing my daughter closer to me.

I think things got a little wild and crazy for about a year or so for me. Here at work, and in my personal life, too. But it feels like it is falling into place. I've learned some things. Many things in a short time frame. I have lost more weight and perhaps the attention that I get as a result of that is hard to handle. I think an entire post could be written about that. It is taking some time for my mind to adjust to my body. And my emotions, that's another story entirely.

Anyway, I am going to enjoy my calm, settled feeling today. I have much to be thankful for.

The Joys of Being Caffeine Free

I completed my first week caffeine free. The withdrawal is most likely finished according to what I have read, although I did see where it could last up to nine days. But today I feel great. One thing that I noticed immediately was that the undercurrent of anxiety that plagued me most of the time is gone. It has vanished. I read that feeling as fear and stress. I often got fixated on a problem or issue and could not let go of it. I felt more compulsive, or impulsive with the constant buzzing of the stimulant. The absence of it makes me feel stable and calm most of the time. More in control. This morning when I walked into my office I felt an almost overwhelming sense of well being. It's great. It is not chemically induced!

My Drastic (Helen should get a copyright on Drastic!) did not start yesterday. It was my night out with daughter and we went to a Chinese buffet. There is nothing Drastic about that. In fact, I forgot how icky that food eventually makes me feel. It would be great if it was not laced in sauces and sodium and other stuff. I did not eat an overwhelming amount of food but it was way more than I normally eat. We used to eat out all the time but back then I weighed 40-50 pounds more than I do now. I enjoyed eating out with her but now I have that Chinese food hangover of a slight swollen feeling. Next time we will do a different type of food.

So I can Drastic today, and I am. Drastic now becoming a verb. I brought a supply of food and I know how much there is, how many calories, etc. I can eat all of it before the end of the work day, in any order. It feels great to be prepared. I also brought some herbal teas. I love tea. And I can drink it without consequence. With coffee I had to always put something in it and that added calories. With tea, I don't add anything. I am excited about having a productive day at the office, including a workout on my lunch hour.

I am excited about something else, too. I am signing up for a spiritual retreat. It's in June - 12th - 15th. A friend of mine was telling me about it last night. She went last year. I called the guy and left a message and I hope to get in. I need something like that. I'm looking forward to it.

I am in awe of this caffeine free state. I was loading up on the stuff constantly, thinking I needed it. But it perpetuated it's own need. It was a hamster wheel in and of itself. I am sure some people can drink it normally, but not me. I overdid it. Without it I have more clarity, and it is easier to relax. I have not had as many distorted thoughts. I went to a shrink years ago when I wanted treatment for eating disorders. He told me to stop drinking caffeine. He was not very helpful about the food, in fact not at all. He did not acknowledge I had a problem. But he did have something there with the advice on the caffeine.

Anyway, today I am celebrating my freedom from the bondage of caffeine.

More will be revealed!

Day Seven No Caffiene

I've made it to the one week point. Friday night I could not sleep at all. But Saturday when I got up early for my trip I felt OK. In fact, I felt better all day traveling than I did back when I drank coffee all day. I felt less worn out. I traveled a total of about 6.5 hours driving time. It was a beautiful day for driving out in the country. The scenery was magnificent. I visited each son and had time in between for a stop at a park. It was a relaxing day. I went to my parents afterwards and that drive was beautiful. I spent the night at their house and drove home Sunday morning. I ate cookies at mom's. My mom is a food trigger big time. But I did not do so bad. I had decided to eat a burger that day earlier at a fast food place. It was a big wonderful burger I'd been craving for weeks. I had not eaten much else that day so I had it and enjoyed every bite. Sunday my eating was up, too, probably triggered by the cookies the night before. I had sweets but stopped. I am back on track today.

My mood has been somewhat depressed. I believe that going off the coffee could be contributing to that so I am not going to worry too much about it. I needed to grieve the loss of that relationship anyway so I can move on. I am not fighting any emotions or feelings. Just letting it all pass. Lack of coffee has not increased or decreased my appetite. I took a nice hike yesterday and was back to my normal exercise routine this morning. I have a little emptiness where the companionship was from that relationship. I can't seem to fill it right away. I don't feel like going out and being around people much. In fact, I don't know what I feel like doing. If I am out around people, sometimes they ask about him. I don't feel like dealing with that. Not at all. It is going to take some time I suppose.

I am up a pound. But I believe I will lose that immediately upon getting back to my usual eating plan. I want to be more "drastic" this week so I can get a loss. Helen's Drastic worked very well for her, so my Drastic can work for me.

I am ready to garden. We had a couple of cold nights over the weekend. A friend said they would bring a tiller over so that I can get my one patch of grass tilled for gardening. I am excited about that. Tonight I want to buy some things just to get me in the spirit of it. I also need to dig out my gardening books. Don't even know where they are. I have only made one gardening decision and that is for a border of impatients along a sidewalk. They bloom constantly and do well in shade and I believe they will be perfect for that area.

Time to get some work done. My goal for the week is to be a more productive employee!!

More will be revealed.

The Fourth Day

It's the fourth day without caffeine. Last night I had trouble falling asleep. It was kind of a long night. I worked out in the evening so that may have something to do with it. I do feel a bit blah today but yesterday my spirits were up. I picked up my books on the cardinal virtues in the evening and that put me in an optimistic state of mind. Maybe blah is simply feeling calm and since I am not used to feeling calm, I think it's blah. I think I might have something there.

It's a rainy day. The rain is soothing and calm. I'd love to curl up with a book. I forgot how much I enjoy reading. I hope to make more time for reading now that I am off the hamster wheel. Perhaps each night at bedtime. That would help me fall asleep, too.

I feel like I am craving stuff now and then but I am resisting most of the time. I ate a little more last night than normal but nothing earth shattering. Nothing I can't get over. I brought enough food for the day at work so I don't have to go poking around the vending machines. I found myself at the vending machine yesterday so I brought more food today. Being prepared is crucial for me.

I hope I can get in a more upbeat state of mind as the day progresses. But I will remind myself that the blah feeling is the feeling of being calm and peaceful without the surge of caffeine. I may do a few trips up and down the stairs from the 4th floor. That might get my heart rate up and produce a little bit of euphoria, while getting some exercise. My exercise waned during my two days of soul searching/soul sickness/mourning or whatever that was. But I am back on the beam.

I have plans with a good friend this evening. Not sure what we are doing. The kids have plans, too. It will be nice to be in the company of a positive, upbeat, encouraging friend who has known me for almost 20 years.

More will be revealed!!

New Month

I lost six pounds in April. My weight is stable without any fluctuations in the past few days. That's kind of amazing and interesting. I usually go up and down within a few pounds but I am staying exactly the same. I like it.

For May, I want to continue to lose. I only have four pounds to the current goal but if a few more come off that would be nice, too. I want to continue to exercise like I have been exercising. I want to stay off of caffeine. I want to study those cardinal virtues and enjoy life. Spring is full of excitement and new growth and that's how I want to feel.

I am back at work after my two days of despair and soul sickness. It feels good to be back. My first work day without the coffee buzz. There are some people demanding things immediately and I am not feeling any anxiety over it. I took a minute to blog and I will get to it and do it at a reasonable pace.

Last night I went to church. I had not gone since the break up. I went to a different church and met a friend there. I was glad I went. It felt good to get out. Ending my isolation.

I made my list that Vickie recommended. It's a sunny day and my irises are blooming a deep purple. They were killed last year by a freeze so it is nice to see them this year blooming. There are more buds. They should put on quite a show. Pulled some more weeds this morning. They were springing up all over. Those weeds are persistent! But so am I.