The Difference - Facing Reality Without Binging
Last night I had a bit of a blow up with my brother. He left and I have not seen him since. He left on foot. He has a pattern of walking off when he is upset and not letting anyone know where he is. If I don't see him this evening I will file a missing person report with the police. He left his wallet, money, ID, etc. I lost my patience with him and I regret that. Next time I see him I am going to insist he get an evaluation. I don't know much about dealing with mentally ill people. Especially ones who don't think they are mentally ill. He made one too many remarks about my daughter. I guess my instinct to protect my daughter is much stronger than my instinct to protect my brother.
I ate more for dinner than I planned. It was right after the blow up. In the evening I had a bowl of cereal at movie time. This was not overeating or binging. It was normal eating but I was wanting to eat less so I could lose. It was not enough to gain, just enough to maintain. That's a big difference. In the past emotional eating would be a binge and it would spill over into the next days, sometimes even weeks. But now I see that my emotional eating was an extra snack and a fourth of a bagel with butter, and a small helping of tortellini. I had planned to eat much less, but if this is as bad as it gets, I am fine with it. I accept it. In fact, I am happy that is all I did.
I have denied the stress of having my mentally ill brother show up and stay with me for now almost two months. I have tried to be patient and accept him the way he is but the truth of the matter is he has trouble getting along and living around other people. He is delusional and borderline. Hard to communicate with because if I try and discuss things with him he will start saying that the Lord says something when it is obvious that it is his own agenda. I am providing a home for two middle school children. I have no help, financial or other. I do pretty good. I am still adjusting to adding an adolescent boy. A mentally ill 50 something man is too much, I have to draw the line. I am thinking of Vickie's line in the sand.
I am facing reality. My brother is mentally ill. I don't have the capacity to house and supervise a mentally ill person. I don't have the ability to support an adult. I have enough on my plate already. I've been trying to get along with it but I don't have enough of whatever it takes. I need to dig up the mental health numbers that my sister's friend e-mailed me and call someone and talk to them. Even if my brother does not think he as a problem and refuses treatment I can get some information on what I need to do. I will make use of the professionals who know more about this than me.
I'm facing reality and eating normally. What a concept. That's something to be grateful for.
I ate more for dinner than I planned. It was right after the blow up. In the evening I had a bowl of cereal at movie time. This was not overeating or binging. It was normal eating but I was wanting to eat less so I could lose. It was not enough to gain, just enough to maintain. That's a big difference. In the past emotional eating would be a binge and it would spill over into the next days, sometimes even weeks. But now I see that my emotional eating was an extra snack and a fourth of a bagel with butter, and a small helping of tortellini. I had planned to eat much less, but if this is as bad as it gets, I am fine with it. I accept it. In fact, I am happy that is all I did.
I have denied the stress of having my mentally ill brother show up and stay with me for now almost two months. I have tried to be patient and accept him the way he is but the truth of the matter is he has trouble getting along and living around other people. He is delusional and borderline. Hard to communicate with because if I try and discuss things with him he will start saying that the Lord says something when it is obvious that it is his own agenda. I am providing a home for two middle school children. I have no help, financial or other. I do pretty good. I am still adjusting to adding an adolescent boy. A mentally ill 50 something man is too much, I have to draw the line. I am thinking of Vickie's line in the sand.
I am facing reality. My brother is mentally ill. I don't have the capacity to house and supervise a mentally ill person. I don't have the ability to support an adult. I have enough on my plate already. I've been trying to get along with it but I don't have enough of whatever it takes. I need to dig up the mental health numbers that my sister's friend e-mailed me and call someone and talk to them. Even if my brother does not think he as a problem and refuses treatment I can get some information on what I need to do. I will make use of the professionals who know more about this than me.
I'm facing reality and eating normally. What a concept. That's something to be grateful for.
posted by Cindy at
10:44 AM
6 Comments:
Protect your children. This is your first priority. Living with someone who is nuts is damaging to children. I know. Put your brother in God's hands, and leave him there.
I am reading a book by Geneen Roth. It is about emotional eating. You and she are saying the same things about bingeing. You have come a long way baby. Take care.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, Cindy, but it sounds like you are doing the RIGHT THING. You can't take care of everybody (I know, I have a hard time with that one too) and it's ok.
And you are doing great with your "binge"...when maintaining, a little emotional eating is ok...at least I think so! Overeating on good stuff is not the same as eating a gallon of ice cream or a bag of chips (my former faves). ;-)
I went home on my lunch break and left a letter on my brother's bed. It apologizes for yelling and gives a number to call for mental health care. When I make the report if he does not come back I will tell them that I think he could be a threat to himself and that I believe he has a mental condition. That's about all I can do. I have accepted my lack of control and my need to take care myelf and the two kids I am responsible for. I feel some peace in the whole deal.
I have a great uncle that was much this same way. He lived with the grandparents that I spent the most time with. I have no memory of anything happening - but he is among my long list of men that might have gotten a hold of me when I was too little to know.
I agree with Beula - even if nothing HAPPENS - it is still not a good situation - for you, your brother, or the kids.
If he has a key to your house. I think that you should change the locks. You can leave a note on the door - telling him what to do (call, or whatever). but I think you should change the locks.
I almost said all this when your daughter was complaining about your brother - but didn't know how far to push.
You have 4 "kids" to take care of - emotionally, physically and mentally. I can well imagine how hard your weekly visits are to your sons. And even if they turn into every other week or once a month visits - that is still a lot on one woman's plate.
You are doing such a good job of looking clearly at things. of knowing what needs to change and then working on it.
I feel that I am finally growing up. Do you have that same sense? I don't have the woulda-shoulda-couldas like I used to. I have more the reality - and deal with it - mindset.
Major hugs to you. You didn't invent this whole thing with your brother. I really think you just sort of inherited it. and I realize that if you ship him back to your mom's - he will just reappear. I realize there is no easy answer.
but Beula is right - it is the kids and yourself first, and the rest of the world has to look out for itself now.
Cindy, I think with all the stress of being a single mom, caring for your teenage daughter, your grandson and now your ill brother . . . that you must be super human.
Stay your calm self. I hope things improve and you are able to convince brother to get some help.
Be proud for not eating a bag of doritos (ahem) and keep up that same thinking.
Hope all is well for you and your family today.
Amen to the other commenters! Self first (you have too many people depending on you), kids next (you are their safety-net), extended family members a distant third (emphasis on distance). I hope your brother gets the help he needs, but not at the expense of your kids, or yourself! You sound very strong, given the stresses of your circumstances. Like Bea said, put your brother in God's hands and leave him there. I will also place you and your family there as well!
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