Off the Caffeine and letting go

This is my second day off of coffee, and all caffeine. I have been wanting to do this for some time. I just couldn't bring myself to break the addiction. I used coffee like a drug. It was great, gave me a lift. But sometimes the lift was a little too high. It is hard for me to regulate things like that. I found myself having trouble concentrating on my work, being irritable, overbearing, moody and all sorts of other afflictions. Some of that may not be attributable to the coffee but I believe the coffee may intensify it.

The withdrawal was accidental. I hit a very low depression point Monday night. I felt in the depths of despair. I stayed home from work and did some sleeping. I decided then to go ahead and get off of the coffee. I only had one slight headache late in the day. Since I already felt very lousy, it didn't matter, I just felt the lousiness of it all and let it wash over me. I went with it. I was having regrets of a lifetime of relationships with men that didn't, wouldn't or couldn't love me. I accepted my own part in choosing these guys, and getting too involved with them too fast, and so on. And I decided I can live different from now on. But it still felt, and feels pretty lousy. It is like realizing the pain I inflicted on myself with food. It was scary, because I did not know if I could change. And I felt remorse for harming myself, and others.

My eating has been OK. So to be depressed and not use food is a wonderful thing. I know I am getting better. Overcoming the food demon is huge. So it gives me hope that the relationship demon can also be overcome. I want to be optimistic like I was last week but today I just feel low. Maybe I need to feel the lowness for a little while in order to move on.

I have not gained any weight and I have not lost any weight, so I am maintaining my loss. That's great. It is the end of the month, and Grumpy used to have a letting go ritual with a balloon to release things. I think I want to do that today. I want to make a list of the things I want to let go of, get myself a balloon, tie the list to it, and watch it get smaller and smaller as it rises up to the sky until it disappears completely. I need that. It's been a bittersweet kind of month.

Hamster Wheel

I had a vision, or image when I was getting ready to go to bed on Saturday night. I thought of my Sunday mornings for the past couple of months, which usually involved waking up at MF's and then driving home to get ready for church and then going back to pick MF up and then going to church. I rarely got much sleep on Saturday night and I barely had time to get ready on Sunday mornings, always a rush, like Friday evenings, when I'd get the kids to their activities by just the right time to pick up MF to go to where we went every Friday. It's been somewhat of a relief not to do all the stuff, even though I have had moments of being lonesome and missing parts of it. But I saw in my mind a hamster running in one of those wheels that spin and go nowhere. I was the hamster, running and running and spinning the wheel and going nowhere. I don't know for sure why I saw that. But it made some sense to me, although somewhat startling.

I think for my next boyfriend if I go to church with him, I want him to come and pick me up. And drive me. In fact the driving thing is definately a requirement, people. What was I thinking??

I am off the wheel. I'm a little dizzy and worn out but I am getting better every day. Sunday morning I played Handel's Messiah and cleaned my refrigerator. It was a spiritual experience. Saturday morning I met a woman who lives in my area who is friends with a good friend of mine. It was a beautiful day and afterwards I took a drive, had lunch in a small pretty town where there was an art fair, and I took a hike on the river trail. Saturday night I went to a meditation class at a Buddhist temple. Interesting. Sunday afternoon daughter and I went to see my good friend's son play in his band. My weekend was not absent of activity but my pace was easier to keep up with.

My weight stayed the same last week even though I did not overeat and my exercise was good. I am okay with it. Maybe I need a week or two of maintenance before I have another loss. Right now I need to dedicate some time to healing and taking extra good care of myself. I found myself feeling sad at times over the weekend which I am sure is normal under the circumstances. Nice that I am not soothing myself with food. Who says we have to lay around and eat ice cream when we break up with our MF's?

What's the lesson of the wheel? I don't know right now. I guess that's why I always say that more will be revealed.

Revelations on a Friday Morning.

In the coffee room with my administrative assistant I had a revelation. She had brought up the old TV show Gilligan's Island. I said something about who we could relate to or who were we, Ginger or Maryanne... it dawned on me and I said it out loud. I want to be wild and seductive like Ginger with the virtues of Maryanne. Can a person have both? ?

That's my pondering for the day. I got off to a rough start with daughter calling me crazy. I was in a power struggle I know. She was pushing the time to leave and we were going to be late. Being called crazy struck a nerve. I felt crazy. I feel crazy when I want absolute control. I have to let it go and start again. Now I am pondering the Ginger/Maryanne thing. I want to focus on virtue but I don't want to be a nun. Finding balance is my challenge in life but I feel today that I can do it. It feels good to believe in the ability to change.

My X before this latest X boyfriend (we will call him XX) is calling me frantically because I am not returning his calls. Not ManFriend (who shall now be referred to as MF for short) but the one from last summer. I ran into him the day of what I now call my dress rehearsal break up from MF. It was a week and a half before the actual deal. He was elated to see me and know that I was breaking it off with MF. I was nice to him. Then he started calling and texting. I texted and talked to him a little, but not much. I decided yesterday that I don't want to talk to him at all. Why would I?

I am weeding the garden of my life. He's a weed. I need that space for something beautiful to grow. This morning I went out in my garden/patio. I read my morning readings. I walked around and pulled some weeds. A couple of them looked ok at first so I watched them for a few days, suspiciously, thinking they were weeds but not knowing for sure. Today I decided they were weeds, or weedish enough to be pulled. If I left them there they'd pull the rest of the garden off balance. It felt good to pull them. My life has been like that. Watching for weeds to turn into something. I think I need to start pulling them a bit earlier. And planting more deliberately. Tending with diligence and vigilance.

The XX feeds the Ginger in me. I want the Maryanne to grow now. Ginger is on the back burner.

I may not have a loss this week on the scale but if I stay the same I will count it as victory.

More will be revealed.

Yoga and other glorious activities

Yoga was awesome yesterday. It was challenging, yet relaxing. I like that. Maybe I can strike that balance in other areas of my life. Challenged, yet relaxed. I feel confidence from being able to get into the postures but I also feel the working of my body and the strengthening. I can identify my weak areas. But the environment is gentle, soothing and relaxed. It's perfect, actually, for me.

After yoga I went home. I had a light salad. Then my daughter and I took the dog for the Swan Pond walk. The swan pond is down a steep hill. There is a steep hill to get up to the road that gets us there. The distance just long enough for a good half hour or so walk. Challenging and relaxing - again! The glorious thing about the walk last night is that my daughter went with me. She went with me Monday night as well. She is interested in taking off a few pounds. As far as I (and the BMI calculator) am concerned she is not overweight, she's normal. But she wants to take some off so I am sharing what I know with her. I am grateful that I now have a track record to prove I know something about losing weight. I can be an example for her. That's pretty glorious.

After the walk I took my laptop out on the patio and reclined in a comfy lounge chair. I kept the lights off so I could have the soothing dark of the night around me. My wireless signal works on the patio so I can get online out there. I studied the Cardinal Virtues, inspired by the recent AFG post. My brother and grandson had taken a walk to a nearby church and then out for ice cream. They came home energized and excited. More glory.

I love delicious evenings like that. I need those times to fill me up and nourish me. To prepare me for the bigger challenges in my life. To heal me from the harshness of the world.

This has been a calm and balanced week so far. I am looking forward to a weekend with only one thing planned - and it is not until 3 p.m. Sunday afternoon. It has been a long time since I had a weekend with no set plans. The thought of it relaxes me even more.

I have one more week of April left. Looks like so far I have taken off six pounds or so. Maybe more. That's exciting. The best part is that I have been sticking to the parameters I set for myself. There has been some slight deviation here and there but I just get right back to the program.

More will be revealed.

Walking my Garden

I walked my garden this morning. I saw flowers I did not know where there. They were hidden behind other plants. I saw plants I grew last year returning. I saw empty spaces, opportunities for new plants to grow this year. I can pick my plants. It's like my life today. I have an empty space where Man friend was. I can fill it with something new. I can pick how I fill it. I don't mean another man. I mean other activity, other pursuits. Could be another man sometime, but not necessarily. I am walking in the garden of my life.

It is another sunny spring morning. Fresh and new. I have peace and hope today. Last night I went to the gym and had a 40 minute cardio session. It was nice and sweaty. Today is yoga day. After yoga I am not stopping off anywhere risky like last week. I want the full benefit of my session. I may go to the river and sit for a few minutes before going home. I am looking forward to it.

I am also looking forward to getting my house cleaned up and doing a few things to it. My room is overwhelming. I am going to break it down into sections. First, the laundry and clothes. And the bird cages. Then I will see what is next. Spring cleaning. It feels good.

I am remembering the hope and optimism I had last spring when I first moved here. It has been an experience I will say that. But the cool thing is I continued my path of weight loss and personal growth. I have remained faithful and hopeful. I learn from everything. I see the good in things and look for the beauty. I always find the things to be thankful for.

I have fond memories of my wacky and somewhat excruciating romance of last summer. I grew from that. Last summer was the first time I was able to wear summer clothes with pleasure and excitement. And the first time in years I was brave enough to have a romantic encounter with a man. I have a fondness for the memory of last summer. My flower gardening, my trips to Ohio, all kinds of things. This summer is sure to bring even more adventures.

I am sure I will look back on this winter's experiences with fondness in time. Right now I feel more of the struggle and some sadness but perhaps I have not yet harvested the nourishment and growth from the experiences. It takes time. But I have faith it will be revealed to me. I have so much to look forward to.

I am looking forward to an art project I have been planning in my head for some time now. It involves taking pictures. I am also looking forward to having time to write more. I may set aside some time on Friday night to go somewhere with my laptop and write. That is what I envisioned doing when I bought this laptop. Life interrupted that plan for a while. But now I have more life experience under my belt. It can only get better and better.

More will be revealed

The Excitement of Life

The past two Monday nights my daughter and I have gone out under the guise of doing the grocery shopping, but really to have girl time. We do a little shopping and we eat out together. I have been trying on clothes and holding out on buying much ,but some stuff is hard to pass up. Last night I tried on a skirt and some capri pants in size 8 and found that they were a little loose in the waist. (that's an out of body experience, a single digit size having any looseness - this does not happen to a girl like me). Since I believe I will take a little more off in the waist I did not buy them. I found a pair of pink denim long shorts - just below the knee, styled like a capri I suppose, hard to describe but really cute. They were an 8 and fit snug in the waist. I bought them. I would have never bought anything like that in the past. Pastel did not work for me. It amazes me to be able to put clothes on that I had already mourned away during my heavier days. I gave up the idea that I'd ever be able to wear certain clothes again. I put on medium tops and even some things in a small and they fit. Feminine, girly things. Pretty things. It is surreal.

But it is exciting, wonderfully new and exciting.. I keep reminding myself to rejoice the fact that I am almost to my goal. I never thought I'd get there, really. It is exciting. Spring is exciting. Seeing what is blooming each new day is exciting. Seeing the sun rising this morning when I drove my brother to work was exciting. I would not have seen it if he was not staying with me right now. I'd still have been in bed. I want to see what's blooming next in my life. I don't want to miss it. I want to be up and awake so I can see it. I want to pay attention to the here and now.

Ending a relationship in favor of perhaps one day having a better one is exciting. Passing by the passover treats in favor of reaching my goal is exciting. Today I am going to celebrate the excitement of life.

Sunday Reflections

I lost another two pounds. I have four more to go till I am at the normal body mass index. I feel really good about this. My eating has been sparse. It may be hard to write this post but I really want to share this.

Yesterday I visited each of my sons. That meant driving about 300 hundred miles and visiting two different maximum security prisons. Maximum security prisons are very brutal places. I have been visiting weekly this past month or so. Every Saturday. It's what I need to do to have the relationship I want to have with my sons right now. It is exhausting emotionally and physically for a number of reasons. Tony was recently transferred to a place about 2.5 hours away. One perk, perhaps the only one, for a prisoner getting transferred is they get to go for a ride and see some scenery, see what the world looks like. Tony told me I should drive through the little town of Charleston there near the prison. He said "Mom, it's really pretty, there are old houses with wraparound porches and the dogwoods are blooming." I was so happy he could see the beauty and enjoy it, even chained to an iron box, on the prison bus. It's so bittersweet and it makes me cry every time I think about it.

But here's the point of it all. I realized that for him seeing dogwoods blooming is not an ordinary thing, it may have been many years (he's been in prison at least 10) since he saw anything bloom. But he got to this year, and I got to hear him share it with me and see his eyes light up. Prison is bleak with little beauty. When he got there a guy had just been murdered by another inmate. Apparently they put two men in a cell who were not equally matched. An older, weak man with a strong and violent man. The older man begged for protective custody and the guards refused. He was brutally murdered. I hear stories like this from time to time. I cannot articulate the number of feelings I have about it all. Then I have the dogwoods. Thank God they were there. Thank God he got to see them. Thank God he has the personality or the character to appreciate them and tell his mother about them and encourage her to see them too. I can't tell you what that means to me. He could be the murdered man, or he could be the killer. But he's not. He's my beautiful, strong, brave son. Still sensitive, still holding on to dignity and character in the bleakest and brutal of places. Still seeing the beauty.

I am grateful I have the courage to go and see him so that I can show him love. Love is an action. Love involves sacrifice. Love is driving all those miles and being led into the bare, concrete rooms by guards who sometimes remind me of the grim reaper. Love is waiting on the sidewalk in line in the cold for as long as it takes so I can see my son's face light up he sees me. So I can love him in person. Even if it means seeing him bound in chains, holding a telephone with his hands cuffed painfully tight to a chain around his waist.

Well maybe I better stop at that. It is hard to express these things. I used to eat to sooth the sadness but now I just feel it. It is a clean, pure, cleansing feeling. I am not afraid of it anymore. I'd rather feel it and go through it than do countless other things to avoid it. It's safe to feel it now. It is a relief.

So many reflections on the dogwoods. How much we take for granted. How beautiful the world is. All the little gifts waiting for us if we choose to see them.

It's a beautiful spring day and I am at my coffee house. I am going to do some legal work for Tony's case on my laptop here on the comfy couch. My coffee house is comforting to me. It reminds me of my Summer of Enlightenment. I've come a long way but I am still on the road. I can't wait to see the places I will see. And I am going to enjoy the scenery.

Earth-moving Experiences

I felt the earth move this morning when I woke up. Literally. It was kind of scary but awesome at the same time. I was not sure it was an earthquake but could not imagine it being anything else. I was scared thinking maybe something else could have happened like a bomb or explosion. But it was a 5.2 quake.

I need an earth shaking, earth moving experience. I think I may be doing better today about the whole breakup thing. What is amazing about that is that I did it. I identified the insurmountable issues and took action. I took care of myself. I want to pinch myself and see if I am dreaming. I really did it. That's amazing to me. I could have hung in there waiting for it to get worse, waiting until I was miserable, or for something bad to happen but I took action as soon as realized it wasn't good for me. I am in awe of this right now. And I am in awe of how many supportive, loving people I have in my life to help me through these post break up days. It doesn't seem so bad. It was a significant part of my life for close to five months but there are many, many other parts to my life.

I am still learning how to have a relationship with a man. For many reasons my relationships in the past have been mostly with abusive men, alcoholics, etc. Part of what I have been doing during my weight loss years involved getting therapy and help for to heal and learn from what happened to me in the past. I no longer carry the burden of my past but I am aware of it, and it's impact on me. I can use it in many ways that are positive. I can use it to give hope to other women. I can use it to give hope to myself. This recent relationship was different from the others in many ways, but it also had some similarities. But the true glory of it is that I am able to see it in terms of what I need and want in a relationship, and make a decision based on that. Normal people probably do that, but I am still learning. Getting better every day.

There is a relationship between my healing and my weight loss. It is not easy to articulate yet, but they go together. Maybe some day I will be able to write more on the subject.

I was not that hungry today and I ate kind of weird. Here is a rundown - Coffee with creamer; one third of a very ripe banana; the top half of a chocolate iced cake doughnut (I know it's not good but it was really delicious); all bran extra fiber with plain lowfat yogurt and berries; a tuna steak; one small piece of a chocolate almond thingy. All things considered I think it is not too bad. It's five p.m. And I will be quite busy tonight, with little time to eat. The only danger zone will be when I come home to my place instead of the usual spending the night with Man friend. I can handle that. I still have the dog..hee hee.

Man friend could not drive. I had to do all the driving. He lost his license a years ago for alcohol related driving offenses. (I know, he probably was not a "good catch" in many ways) . Right now, I can't remember the last time I was a passenger in a motor vehicle. So part of my healing process is going to be having someone take me out for a ride, drive me somewhere, so I can sit and look out the window and do what passengers do. It will be a luxury. I drive the kids everywhere, I now drive my brother to work and church, I've been driving Manfriend everywhere and frankly, I am sick of it. So that's my weekend assignment, get someone to take me for a ride. My guy friend Joe says he'd love to take me somewhere. He is very sweet, and got me through the last breakup. Sheesh, how many breakups can a girl have in one year? I guess as many as it takes. Again, better to love and lose than not to love at all.

Anyway back to earth-moving things. I think about the earth moving and feel nothing but awe. We never know what is in store for us. Today I choose to feel the excitement of anticipation of amazing, breathtaking experiences. The fact that I lost 52 pounds is earth-moving. The fact that I dumped a guy that thought I really loved - in order to take care of myself and in order to live up to my ideals, is awesome.

My sister and her husband are getting the tickets for me and the kids to go to California this summer for my birthday week (turn 50 August 6th). I am looking forward to that. My grandson's first airplane trip. He always wanted to go to California. Now he will. I love to see kid's dreams come true.

There is much in life to cherish.

I don't want to get to gooey and mushy but I love the friends I have made here blogging. I get teary thinking of how beautiful and supportive you all are. I cherish all of you.

more will be revealed

Thursday's almost Friday!

Yoga was awesome last night. I felt so good afterward that I wanted to stop off at Manfriend's. I pulled up and found a cute young woman sitting outside waiting for him. They were going somewhere together. He had a plausible explanation but it felt bad. I have found him with her before. He has a great excuse. But it felt bad. It's a common thread. He has lots of women "friends" that he needs to stay in relationships with. That's the kind of guy he is. Maybe that's a fine way to be. But it's confusing to me and I decided that for me, this is not a good situation. So I broke up with him later in the night. I have been pondering it for quite a little while now. There were many things that were good about the relationship but there were also a stack of things that were not so good. I decided the good did not outweigh the not so good.

I feel sad but I also feel relief. I wish I could be more detached and objective about men but once we get into that intimate stage, and I feel all kinds of loving feelings, I cant'. I am what I am. I am not for him, he's definitely not for me. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, right??

I don't have much of an appetite. That lovesick thing. I'm tired but at peace. I know I did the right thing for both of us, but especially for me. I want to be true to myself. In all areas of my life.

Well, Thursday's almost Friday. Friday used to be rush around to get to Man friend on time. Now perhaps I can relax and take it easy. The opportunities are endless.

More will be revealed.

Positive Wednesday Thoughts

My yoga mat is in the car. I told everyone that they will be preparing dinner on yoga day every week. I told them they could make the tortellini. I think they can handle it. I am having my 1 and 1/2 hour yoga tonight. I earned it. I need it. It's important to me. I missed last week and feel like I might be behind the class, but I can do it. I did great the first class. I will have help if I need it.

I made it through yesterday. I had so much running around to do in the evening that I did not get a chance to overeat. I did have some things I don't normally have, but in small amounts. I think that satisfied the salt and sweet cravings. Today I feel OK. I feel stable. Yesterday I went to the gym before I ate lunch. I had a 30 minute cardio workout. I ate lunch later than normal since I had eaten more in the morning. That pushed afternoon snack to later, too which was helpful. I honestly think I would have eaten too much in the evening if I had not been so busy. I did not have time to prepare a meal or eat it. I took grandson for eye doctor and glasses immediately after getting home. It took a long time. I walked across the street and got a diet soda at a diner after sitting and waiting a while. Then we had to go pick up daughter, and then I went to Man friend's to help with taxes. After all that it was bed time. No time for food.

Now, in the past, I'd have grabbed fast food, maybe that giant jalapeno burger I've been craving. But I don't regard fast food as an option today. There were plenty of things I could have eaten - apple carmel home made pie at that diner, but I didn't. So yesterday turned out to be a successful day as far as I'm concerned. Not perfect but far better than it could have been. And much better than the old days.

Having things to do is a good defense against overeating. Gardening is just around the corner. In fact, I can start picking out my plants now. I am leery of planting yet because we have been having some cold nights. But I can get ready. Just thinking about my garden makes me feel good. I may go shopping around, looking and researching what to plant. That's a relaxing activity. I can also plan and plot what will go where. And start reading my gardening books. More relaxation. I love to page through gardening books and magazines.

For now I have to work, but I'm glad I took a few minutes to remember gardening. I have been so busy and mainly focused on other people's needs that I was starting to get that overwhelmed feeling and a slight twinge of resentment. Now I can stop, remember, and look forward to my time in the garden.

I think everyone needs a "garden" to think about. It doesn't have to be an actual garden, just something that makes them feel good. Some activity, reading, watching TV or a good movie, painting, you name it, whatever makes them have that delicious feeling of satisfaction. Something that uplifts their mood when they think about it. Something they can plan for and look forward to. For today, if I start having any negative feelings I am going to think about my garden.

What's your garden?

Plan of defense

Struggling a little today with a bigger appetite. It feels a little compulsive. I had a banana this morning. Bananas mess me up. I usually avoid them unless I mix a half of a very ripe one in with a high fiber cereal. I found myself having my lower fat healthy peanut butter even though I'd already had breakfast, and a snack. Luckily the jar was almost empty, and I pitched what little was left so I would not go overboard. Then I added it to my tracking and plan for the day. Peanut butter is another food I can have trouble with. It makes me want more. I need to avoid the foods that make me want more if I want to lose weight. So peanut butter is going off the list for a while.

I am going to the gym, for sure, no matter what, prior to lunch. I have already had breakfast and a high calorie snack so I don't need lunch until later, and I can get the gym workout easily before then.

I don't know why I feel compulsive about food today. I don't feel like figuring it out right now. I simply want to halt it whatever way possible. I feel full. There is no true hunger here. So here is my "how" as in how to stop. I am going to drink plenty of water, have a little meditation and prayer time, go to the gym, and say no to extra food. If I want to eat, I will take a trip via the stairs down to the first floor, and come back up. I work on the 4th floor so the little mini workout might give my brain a boost and take my mind off of food. And, I am going to focus on my work the rest of the day and see how much I can accomplish.

Hope this little plan of action works. I don't want to sabotage my progress with compulsive grazing. As I have pointed out before, when I have a loss, even a little one, it seems like my body, and perhaps my mind, too, wants to get back the weight. So I have to fight some urges for a while until I adjust. That's what I am doing right now. Fighting the urge to self sabotage with negative thinking because I had too much peanut butter. Fighting the urge to eat.

I feel like I am under a slight and subtle attack. I am going to bolster my resolve and defend myself.

Monday thoughts

This morning started out with a huge compliment from someone at work. She's worked for the presidents of the company since I have been here. She said I look so slim and trim that she has to do a double take when I walk by to make sure it is me. She has seen me at all weights. I thanked her and told her I was almost finished losing weight. Down to my last six pounds. She said it did not look like I needed to lose any more. People say that because they only see me in my clothes, hee hee. And they don't do the body mass index numbers or know my true weight. They are telling me I look good and that's nice. I appreciate it very much. But my loss goal has more than looking good to it. It is about being in good physical shape. Healthy with a room for a tiny fluctuation once in a while. That sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I want to look good, too. I'm 49 years old and I don't expect to look like a fashion model. I want to look like me in good shape..and happy with who I am.

I have been thinking that I might want to extend the loss two more pounds to 146 - to give myself a safe range in the 140's for fluctuation. And that would also be exactly 60 pounds lost. I think I am obsessing on numbers a little, though, so I am keeping it for now at the 148. If I get those six pounds off, I will think about two more. I think it is important to have a stopping point. I also want to focus on shaping and toning what is left. Also have a fear about the shrinking chest. Do all of us shrink there, and do all of us fear the loss of it?? I think I am obsessing.

Enough of that. I saw a two pound loss this weekend. Now I want my last week's low will be my this week's high if I fluctuate. Something like that. I do these little numbers games with my weigh-ins.. For example, each time I move into a new zone like the 150's from the 160's I goal to just stay in that zone, even if it's in the in the upper part, until I stop seeing the old number. Then I move into the middle, then the lower and then I am on to a new zone - the 140's. It's good enough for me today that I have not seen the 160's on my scale for close to two weeks now. I'm now in the mid range moving toward the lower. These little goals keep me excited about weighing in, and help me deal with fluctuations. For example if I weigh a couple pounds higher one morning, and still keep it in the 150's I don't mind. But I push to keep myself away from the previous zone. I hope I don't sound like some kind of a numbers fanatic. Weighing in is important for accountability but I like to make it positive and rewarding. Something to celebrate. If I have a particularly rough phase, I look back at my old numbers and find the gratitude.

Friday I got the half day off. It was such a relief. I accomplished several things, including a workout and did them at a relaxed pace. Even took Man friend with me to my rental house to collect the rent and present the new lease to the tenant. I did get a little overwhelmed after going there, a part of the fence blew down and needs to be fixed. The grass will need cutting soon and she does not seem to do that much. Plus, I want to plant bushes. But I like planting, so that will be fun. I went to the gym Saturday and had a good workout. Better than planned. I rested Sunday - no workout. I get tired on weekends staying up with Man friend and then still getting up early to do things. Man friend takes naps. I tried napping with him Saturday. He went right to sleep. I rested, but never fell asleep. I wish I could nap. Maybe yoga will help. Maybe if I just try more I will get there. I can set aside an hour to lay down and see what happens.

I know planning and tracking and yes, even measuring - is working. These last pounds seem the hardest to take off but the methods work. Less food, more exercise. It makes sense. The theory is simple enough, but the doing of it is tricky. If I don't measure and track, I won't know if I am really eating less or not. I tend forget how much I eat.... and make excuses and rationalize..even lie to myself about food sometimes. Yesterday, my day of rest, I did not track or plan. I was careful, though, with the foods I chose and how much. One day a week won't hurt me unless it has that snowball effect and spills into the next day. If I measure and track, even if I go over what I planned, I still eat less than I would if I did not plan and track. I don't stick to things perfectly, but my imperfect efforts are working. Slow and steady like the tortoise.

Progress, not perfection. Beula reminded me of that recently. I try to be gentle with myself about this weight loss. For years I bashed myself for being overweight. And when I tried to lose, I bashed myself for even the smallest mistakes. I have to look at it in a completely different way today. It is a life change, a lifestyle change, an attitude change, and a thinking change. For me it has to be positive and loving. Full of forgiveness and gratitude.

On that note, I need to go make a food plan for today. I packed my usual stuff for work, but I have not tallied up a plan. Don't want to fly blind today..

Taking Care of Things, Including Me

I am requesting a half day off today to take care of a bunch of little items that have piled up. It's the first request since my sickness and my blowout with my boss. So I am hoping it gets approved. I slept again last night perhaps close to 7 hours. Had to get up to take brother to work. Kept waking up at different times so it was a weird night's sleep. I need a break and I am going to try and get one.

It seems like I slip up a little every day but overall I am more disciplined than I was in earlier months this year. I walked the dog over our hilly terrain last night. It was a lovely spring evening and I enjoyed the walk. I went to my swan pond for the first time this spring. I remembered how excited I was to find swans in the neighborhood. I still feel very grateful to live where I live.

I have piled myself into a corner literally in my room with clothes, paperwork and odds and ends strewn about. I think I may clean it in sections, divide it into quadrants and take each 4th at a time. Or just one pile at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself, but I don't want to stand still either.

So today taking care of myself will include taking care of some little matters that have been nagging at me and weighing down on me. Perhaps, just perhaps, a trip to the gym if time permits. It is a sunny, breezy spring day so no matter what I am doing I will enjoy the day as a gift.

Spring is here and the trees are blooming. I want to go and breath it in, take some time to inhale it's glory. I don't want to miss it by thinking I have to do this and that, and rush here and there. I want to stop here and there and look around, smell the smells, hear the sounds. My brother walks miles and miles to get home. He gets in touch with the surroundings in a way that we can't do when we speed by in our cars. There is much to learn from my brother. I am appreciating the opportunity to have him stay with us (most days anyway). I want to take time today no matter what I do to really experience what's around me. And see the beauty. There is always beauty if we are willing to look for it.
More will be revealed.

Pressing On

Last night I slept longer than I have slept all week. As far as I can tell I slept at least 8 hours. I feel much better. My little fluctuation was gone, too, and I feel like I can maybe, just maybe, have a loss this week if I keep my eating sane for the rest of the week. I am following my usual pattern. I lose a few pounds, and then I maintain that loss after fluctuating a little, and then I move on to a new loss.

Rest has been my main goal this week. I was so wiped out at the end of my work day that I could not even fathom yoga. My daughter was home sick and I went home. I can make up my yoga class on Monday. I did not mind missing it because I was way too tired for anything. I feel today like the rest has made a positive impact on how I feel mentally, emotionally and physically. I feel very optimistic today. I had gotten into the bagels at work yesterday, but caught myself and tried to balance it by eating less in the evening. I think it worked. Today there is yet another spread of food in a department nearby that I walk past often. I have decided that it does not exist for me today. I look the other way. I saw fruit, and veggies but I even get in trouble with fruit. I built some fruit into my plan today, but it won't be until very late in the day. I don't want to be near that food spread no matter what.

There is a heavy rain today. It is having that soothing effect again. I hear it against my window here at the office and it sounds nice. The grey dimness of it all is restful. Last night I felt so overwhelmed but I knew that it was a feeling and that the facts of my life had not changed. I knew it was a state of mind, and that if I just got some rest and did not dive into the panic of it all, it would pass. And it did. I have an acquisition closing tomorrow for my job. It is pretty intense but it is going good. I feel like this is a test for me and that I am passing.

So, I am pressing on with my weight loss efforts. I have been craving a shopping trip for summer clothes. I put on a pair of last year's capri's and they were kind of baggy but wearable. I am not allowing myself to buy clothes until I get to the final loss. It is not too far off so I believe I can wait. It is a nice incentive for now.

For today I am going to hold on to my optimistic feeling and my firm resolve to press on no matter what. No matter if it is rainy, or if I am a little sick, or if I am tired or if everyone else is in a bad mood. No matter what I can take care of myself and be true to my own personal goal. On AFG a few days ago I read this phrase in the posting on virtues "protecting our own hearts from the feeling of doing wrong" Today I want to protect my heart from the feeling of doing wrong to myself by compromising my goals and aspirations and from the wrong of neglecting my own needs.

Happy Thursday!!

PS my administrative assistant just popped her head in my door and said that I really look good and she is sure my boyfriend must think I am a "knock-out" - geez I really needed that one. I was feeling frumpy. Always seems when I feel frumpy someone comes through with a weight loss comment...

Yoga Day already

I am looking forward to Yoga tonight. It's already Wednesday. Things are looking up. I ate more yesterday than planned but I don't think it is too bad. My goal at the moment is to stay in the 150's for seven straight days and I am on day six.... I am staying around my low 156 all week with a teeny fluctuation. I can do better today than yesterday. I will have yoga during the dinner hour so my evening eating will be better.

I am still tired. I am kind of sick. Went back to doctor yesterday and he prescribed some allergy meds and some decongestant. Said my nose was swollen. Geez. I don't want to take meds but I don't want to be sick. I have a sore throat and cough going on, too. Plus exhaustion. No gym so far this week. But I did exercise this morning at home. Still working my abs and can tell that they are getting better.

I want so much to stick to plan today.

More will be revealed

Sleep makes a Difference

I managed to get some rest last night. My perspective is better today. I am having a struggle with Man friend on top of everything else. We are working it out, and it may not be as big of a deal as it seemed when I was exhausted. I am maintaining my weight and I feel good about that. I agree with Laura's comment yesterday about goals and maintenance.

There are work treats today. One is a light sponge cake (fraught with peril for me, though) and bagels. I read the label on the cream cheese and had one tablespoon on a fourth of a bagel. That gave me 110 calories. The sponge cake tasted very light and I had a small piece. But I have no idea what really lurks in it. She said it was heavy on the eggs which could be good or bad depending how you look at it. So I am finished with that. I hope.

If I stay on target the rest of the day, those treats being my breakfast, I will still be within my parameters. I feel that when I maintain a loss long enough it moves into new loss territory so long as I stay within my parameters. It happens naturally without struggle if I just stick to the parameters with few variances.

Yesterday traffic was bad getting to the gym on my lunch hour and then when I got in the locker room to dress out I had forgotten my shoes. I did not get to work out. But being as exhausted as I was it may not have been a good idea any way. Today I have a doctor's appointment I desperately want to put off but should really keep. If I change it, I will go to the gym.

I am still tired but not exhausted. It is amazing how much better things can look after a decent night's sleep. The simple basics of good health, sleep, nutrition, exercise, water, are easy to neglect sometimes, but I pay dearly for it when I do.

Exhausted and sad

I am exhausted and sad. I am not eating much. My fluctuation went back down so last week my weight did not change. No loss, no gain. I am ok with that. Just having a difficult time with other areas of my life. I feel overwhelmed with taking care of other people's needs. A reocurring theme in my life. I need rest and have not found the time to get it. So for this week I am going to take care of me more and try to get some rest. Still tracking food and getting exercise. Hoping it will result in a loss at some point. Maybe my goal for April was too high. Maybe I should goal to lose something but perhaps not 8 pounds. Did not seem like too high of a goal at the time.

Friday notes

Friday is still my favorite day of the week but today I am exhausted and feeling a tad blue. I have not been getting as much sleep due to getting up to take my brother to work. I went to the gym after dropping him off this morning at 6 a.m. I was glad to do that but I feel very tired today. I think the tired is making me blue. It has been going on for a couple of days now. I don't like it when this happens but I am going to keep on doing my normal daily stuff in spite of it. The cheery feeling will return. It always does.

It has been a good week overall of planning and tracking and doing my exercises. But my weight went up during the week instead of down. It is not time for an official weigh in so maybe it will go back down before then. Nothing major, a couple of pounds but the wrong direction. I find that I fluctuate up during the week and go back down on the weekends or Monday. So I just need to dip down lower than my low last weekend. Anything is possible. I will just keep doing what I am doing and push harder to maintain eating habits that will result in a loss. Myabe the lack of weight loss is adding to my shade of blue.

Not giving up is a big part of my weight loss program. It was the missing component in my earlier efforts. I gave up easily if I diverted or gained, or did not lose. Now I just keep going. I get back on track. No matter what I do not give up. It makes a big difference.

My First Yoga Class

What a great way to kick off my April challenge - challenging myself with something new. I loved the yoga class. I loved it because it was time set aside just for me to do something good and healthy for me. Yoga is good for my body and my mind. And there is even a social aspect because I am doing it with other people. I loved every bit of it. I did not struggle with any of it. I found I could get in the positions with ease. The only difficulty was with the "wrapping" my thigh muscles while exhaling. But I am going to work on that. For years I have wanted to do this, but could not get started on my own. It is one of the victories of my weight loss journey. The class is an hour and a half long and I loved every second.

I feel good just knowing I have a class to go to once per week, in the middle of the week. More discipline. I am still struggling with evening eating. What I want to do is try less eating during the day since I seem to want to eat at night no matter what I do. Then I can just build more food into the evening plan. Perhaps raw veggies and lean protein. I am determined to conquer the evening deal. Frankly, my appetite has been up all week but I find I can manage more during the day than at night. So yoga in the evening on an empty stomach before I eat may be helpful. We will see.

I also feel like I am retaining water this week and have no idea why. I am looking at my diet for hidden sodium. My hands feel a bit swollen today. And I feel all around puffy. I can't figure it out...

I am so glad I have all my blogger pals to share my journey with. Yesterday I went through and printed out all my entries. I am also going to move them to electronic files. I realized that if something happened to blogger, I'd have no record of this journey. When I need a mental uplift, I look through my entries and see how far I have come. I also read other people's blogs and get the same uplifting of my spirit.

I feel really lucky today. It is pouring down rain but I feel cozy. I love the rain. It is cleansing and soothing. The sound of it on the roof and against the window is soothing. The dim grey light is soft and restful. I can't stay in bed and sleep but I can use the rain to cast a peaceful, restful mood on my day.

More will be revealed.

Yoga Wedenesdays!!

I have videos and books but never use them. Too hard to start alone. Today I was thinking of Yoga Jane's - I pass it often on the street that goes past the coffee house. I looked up the website and much to my surprise - no coincidences here - a session starts tonight right after work!! From tonight until May something I will learn Hatha Yoga, at the intro level. Perfect for me. I called and registered and I am showing up. My gym bag is in the car, and nothing is standing in my way. I will have to call the kids and let them know. I have chicken in the crock pot.

I did not get to workout at the gym today. Traffic was stopped up and I did not have enough time, so I read my old postings and relaxed on the riverfront. I am excited about Yoga Wednesdays!!

I hope no kid or brother calls bar me from showing up. I will plan ahead from now on and let everyone know that I won't be home on Wednesdays until 7:30...they can fend for themselves.

I also noticed that this studio has a belly dance class. I have been wanting to try that, too...but I won't get ahead of myself today..

Little Victories & the April Challenge Kick-off

It has been a while since I stopped to appreciate little victories. Today, for example, I was challenged by a baby shower at work. I had already prepared my food for the day and tallied up my air tight food plan. There was cake at the shower and some fruit and veggies. I overdid fruit last week at the work sponsored breakfast so I wanted to be especially careful about this shower. I took raw broccoli while everyone had their cake, one cherry tomato, and a couple of strawberries because they are lower in sugar - less chances of kicking in my cravings and appetite for more sugar. I nibbled the veggies all through the shower. No cake. That's the little victory, no cake. It would have been easy to rationalize some cake and it would not have been a tragedy to have some. One woman said she "spun" that morning so she could enjoy the cake. Fine for her. I am on a mission, though, to get to the normal BMI. Ignoring cake and foods like that will get me there. I did not feel deprived of cake. I felt good and I enjoyed the veggies. I kept thinking of my 50 pound milestone and how that boosted my confidence for this renewed push to the finish.


Another little victory happened this morning. I changed my plan to come home after dropping brother off at work, and stopped to have coffee with Manfriend. This left me without my packed lunch. It would have been easy to just go to work without and hit vending machines or go out for lunch. Instead I stopped at the grocery store nearby and bought groceries for work - my special bread, my turkey for sandwiches, yogurt, and all bran extra fiber, a bag of carrots. Now I have this stuff on hand for the rest of the week, plus I have today covered. Supplemented by the shower veggies I am in good shape.


Last little victory for the morning- baggy pants. These pants used to get loose after I wore them a while. Now they are baggy fresh out of the dryer. They are tens. So I know my body is changing.


I exercised this morning. Upper body and abs at home. I am going to the gym on my lunch hour for cardio. I can do that now since I don't have to go out for food!


I have decided to challenge myself for the month of April. Here is the plan:


1. Have a food plan each day that fits my parameters ... keep track of any diversions.

2. Work the abs everyday with my floor exercises. Do weights at the gym at least once or twice per week.

3. Cardio every day, using the gym for lunch hours on work days if I can, or walking dog, riding bike, or gym in the evening.

4. Track weight each day but use one day for the official weigh in.

5. Think positive, blog regularly and be accountable. Focus on behavior changes. Little and manageable ones.

That is enough for now. I want the normal BMI by the end of the month and I am only 8 pounds away.