Monday thoughts

This morning started out with a huge compliment from someone at work. She's worked for the presidents of the company since I have been here. She said I look so slim and trim that she has to do a double take when I walk by to make sure it is me. She has seen me at all weights. I thanked her and told her I was almost finished losing weight. Down to my last six pounds. She said it did not look like I needed to lose any more. People say that because they only see me in my clothes, hee hee. And they don't do the body mass index numbers or know my true weight. They are telling me I look good and that's nice. I appreciate it very much. But my loss goal has more than looking good to it. It is about being in good physical shape. Healthy with a room for a tiny fluctuation once in a while. That sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, I want to look good, too. I'm 49 years old and I don't expect to look like a fashion model. I want to look like me in good shape..and happy with who I am.

I have been thinking that I might want to extend the loss two more pounds to 146 - to give myself a safe range in the 140's for fluctuation. And that would also be exactly 60 pounds lost. I think I am obsessing on numbers a little, though, so I am keeping it for now at the 148. If I get those six pounds off, I will think about two more. I think it is important to have a stopping point. I also want to focus on shaping and toning what is left. Also have a fear about the shrinking chest. Do all of us shrink there, and do all of us fear the loss of it?? I think I am obsessing.

Enough of that. I saw a two pound loss this weekend. Now I want my last week's low will be my this week's high if I fluctuate. Something like that. I do these little numbers games with my weigh-ins.. For example, each time I move into a new zone like the 150's from the 160's I goal to just stay in that zone, even if it's in the in the upper part, until I stop seeing the old number. Then I move into the middle, then the lower and then I am on to a new zone - the 140's. It's good enough for me today that I have not seen the 160's on my scale for close to two weeks now. I'm now in the mid range moving toward the lower. These little goals keep me excited about weighing in, and help me deal with fluctuations. For example if I weigh a couple pounds higher one morning, and still keep it in the 150's I don't mind. But I push to keep myself away from the previous zone. I hope I don't sound like some kind of a numbers fanatic. Weighing in is important for accountability but I like to make it positive and rewarding. Something to celebrate. If I have a particularly rough phase, I look back at my old numbers and find the gratitude.

Friday I got the half day off. It was such a relief. I accomplished several things, including a workout and did them at a relaxed pace. Even took Man friend with me to my rental house to collect the rent and present the new lease to the tenant. I did get a little overwhelmed after going there, a part of the fence blew down and needs to be fixed. The grass will need cutting soon and she does not seem to do that much. Plus, I want to plant bushes. But I like planting, so that will be fun. I went to the gym Saturday and had a good workout. Better than planned. I rested Sunday - no workout. I get tired on weekends staying up with Man friend and then still getting up early to do things. Man friend takes naps. I tried napping with him Saturday. He went right to sleep. I rested, but never fell asleep. I wish I could nap. Maybe yoga will help. Maybe if I just try more I will get there. I can set aside an hour to lay down and see what happens.

I know planning and tracking and yes, even measuring - is working. These last pounds seem the hardest to take off but the methods work. Less food, more exercise. It makes sense. The theory is simple enough, but the doing of it is tricky. If I don't measure and track, I won't know if I am really eating less or not. I tend forget how much I eat.... and make excuses and rationalize..even lie to myself about food sometimes. Yesterday, my day of rest, I did not track or plan. I was careful, though, with the foods I chose and how much. One day a week won't hurt me unless it has that snowball effect and spills into the next day. If I measure and track, even if I go over what I planned, I still eat less than I would if I did not plan and track. I don't stick to things perfectly, but my imperfect efforts are working. Slow and steady like the tortoise.

Progress, not perfection. Beula reminded me of that recently. I try to be gentle with myself about this weight loss. For years I bashed myself for being overweight. And when I tried to lose, I bashed myself for even the smallest mistakes. I have to look at it in a completely different way today. It is a life change, a lifestyle change, an attitude change, and a thinking change. For me it has to be positive and loving. Full of forgiveness and gratitude.

On that note, I need to go make a food plan for today. I packed my usual stuff for work, but I have not tallied up a plan. Don't want to fly blind today..