Month End Review

I looked at my first June post and it was about major depression. It was the meltdown weekend. I am happy to say that June has been a month of healing and stability. I have taken back my sanity, my home and my life. My weight has been stable. I have maintained my loss. I exercised regularly, took care of myself and my home. What a great month. I also enjoyed myself.

This weekend I spent time with people, women friends, men friends, and so on. I even tried the singles Bible Study. Found myself pondering the muscular tattooed man (that's another story, for the book about food and men). I took care of some to do list tasks this weekend, too. What a great weekend overall. I grilled on the patio yesterday. I had meats that I had purchased but not gotten the chance to cook so everything got grilled. I love barbecue. Especially on my pretty patio.

I wore shorts in public some of the weekend. It is still kind of a thing for me but I am getting far more comfortable. I bring pants to change into in case I panic. It is silly but it is me getting used to my body. And accepting myself the way I am today.

So June was a great month for healing and stabilizing. For getting more comfortable in my own skin. I feel I have come a long way in 30 days..

Potato Chip Experiement

Tuesday people kept commenting on my weight loss and using the word "skinny"...and when I looked in the mirror I had that lack of figure feeling again. When I was home in the evening I had a salt craving. I reached for a bag of very cheap and sleazy potato chips, the kind no one should have, even people who can normally enjoy a chip or two. I ate as many as I wanted. I was not worried about weight gain, but felt they were probably not a good idea. They were good in a gross sort of way but they made my tummy feel a little icky. I went to bed shortly after, I think they acted as a mild sedative.

In the morning I was four pounds heavier on the scale. Hee hee. No more "too skinny" worries that day. I attributed it to the salt and icky of the chips and was not too freaked out. I just noted the impact of the episode. I had more that night but my brief and sleazy affair had lost it's charm. I threw the remainder away the next day when I got home from work. I decided not to have that sort of item in the house. Not so much because I might eat it, but because if it is that gross for me to eat, let's not give it to the kids or their friends, either. In fact, my daughter was raving about the yellow organic carrots that I brought home last night. I need to remember that this is a child who fussed for celery in the grocery cart when she was two instead of Halloween candy. Raw veggies on hand, and fruit for all, instead of chips.

My weight is easing back down to normal. I have been drinking water and watching the sodium content of my food. I could have done without the whole chip affair. But it was eye-opening and interesting in a few different ways. There are correlations between the chip affair and the men I have chosen in life, but I won't go there right now. An entire book could be written on that one. Also I had a brief thought of sabotage, was I sabotaging myself with chips, reacting to the fear of the loss of figure?? Maybe a tad bit, but I stopped and decided to go along my merry way, healing and living. I kept my awareness the entire time and did not "check out" like I used to, giving up temporarily and hiding out. Hopefully this makes sense.

When I eat with full awareness of what I am doing, taking responsibility for my choices, I see things in a new light. I did not hate myself for eating the chips, I merely decided that they were not worth the bloating and recovery time. If I want a high sodium/grease episode, I will go out for Mexican or Chinese food with a friends and family.

I kept both physical therapy appointments this week and did my gym routine twice for my legs. I have been doing my floor exercises at home. I have been getting good sleep this week. Several nights in a row I had at least eight hours and one night ten (could have been the chip night). Getting a good night's rest appears to minimize my back pain. Perhaps that has to do with relaxing the muscles.

Anyway, it's Friday and I am happy. Almost finished with the book When Food Is Love. Thanks so much to Lynn for the recommendation!

More will be revealed.

Tuesday's Thoughts

I stopped trying to lose more weight and accidentally lost an additional pound. I have been busy and my appetite has not been very big. I think it is funny. I may register a loss for June after all. I have been feeling pretty good in my own skin. And speaking of skin, I bought some special lotion yesterday for skin firming and stuff. Going to see if I can tell a difference. Still hoping to get to picture taking. It will be good for me. A celebration and a realization/confirmation. I had some photo's tranferred from an old computer to an external drive and can now access more of my "before" pictures for uploading.

I took yesterday off to get some things taken care of so I have been taking care of errands and tasks that have piled up over time. It feels good. I feel competent. I have also been going through my closet, a little at a time, when I can fit it in. Usually early morning on Sunday or Saturday if I am not traveling. It has been fun. Sorting - and seeing my clothes from last year - the tops I still can wear but the bottoms had to go. I still have this special feeling of kinship with the last Summer wardrobe. I remember how good I felt in those clothes. The excitement I felt at being able to wear them.

So I am sorting what is going away and organizing what will stay. I enjoy it. I appreciate what I have. I believe I have a pretty nice wardrobe put togethe now. Mostly eights and sixes with one left over ten for skirts and pants. My tops range from 8 to 12, medium to large. One area that lacks is dressy stuff. I'd like a dress or two for church/dressy. I don't care for what I have seen on the racks this summer so I may go resale or somewhere for the more classic styles. Resale sounds good to me since my clothing budget is pretty much over for now. I want a pair of black shorts. And a dress or two. I am also wearing shoes I did not wear for a long time, the higher heals. It was too much stress on the heal, my feet, etc. in the past. Now that I am lighter it feels that I can tolerate them.

I saw a friend Friday night who said that the size I am right now looks like just the right size for me. I agree. It feels right. So I think I'll keep it. It's not the clothing size, those numbers range, depending on the maker, and so on. Or even the number on the scale. Those are nice measuring tools for seeing how far I have come. And I am happy with them. But, it's the me size, the how I feel when I move around, sit, etc., and my body porportions that I am feeling comfortable with today. It just feels better and better.

Physical therapy was very nice yesterday. It was my second time. I am making it a priority now to go two times a week. I am sore but it was a really good session. I like my therapist. It is so awesome to get a massage, too. I also got a massage from the Weed Sunday night after returning from my trip. The Weed's roommate's girlfriend is a friend of mine - she is a fun, young woman, and currently pregnant. I stopped off to see her and visit a bit with them all. The Weed knows (and so do I) there is no romance between me and him. Just friends. I had driven six hours that day and my back was a mess. It was nice to get a massage and have it be just that. He may want more but he is obviously content to stick within the confines of my boundaries which are apparently and miraculously defined at the present moment. Interesting concept. And nice.

My car is getting it's bumper painted today. I am driving a rental - it's cute, a PT cruiser. I'd never buy one but it is fun to drive for a day or two. I have decided to make it a point to enjoy things any way I can. I enjoy driving rental cars. I enjoyed reading in the long line getting my plates transferred for the new car. I look forward to physical therapy because I enjoy it. I enjoyed driving a carload of teens to the theme park yesterday, and picking them up later - being with the teens was fun - the driving part is still stressful for me but I am working on that. When driving I try to just stay in the present moment and pay attention to what is around me. Improving concentration. I also have tapes from a church I used to attend that I listen to on my long trips.

Maybe I can accidentally lose another pound and then I will be down a total of 60 pounds from 2005. But I am not trying. I have already exceeded my expectations for weight loss. I just eat sane foods when I feel like eating. And make sure I don't go too long with an empty stomach. The idea of me forgetting to eat still amuses me. I have treats here and there, and do not feel deprived ever. I just realized that. At some point, somewhere in time, I stopped feeling deprived in connection with eating less, and eating different foods. I feel I am living/eating by choice. And I love my choices.

I also love Summer again. I started loving more last year.

More will be revealed....

Staying the Same

I decided I don't want to lose any more weight for a while. For one, I can't afford any new clothes and I have my summer wardrobe already purchased! For another, I like the size I am, and maintaining this weight is realistic for me. I don't feel like pushing lower right now. I want to tone up at the size where I am. I also want to get used to just being and not being on the way. I want accept and enjoy being where I am.

I believe that I can eat the way I have been eating and maintain this size. Since I now have a new fear (I must just have a thing for fear) of not having a figure, or being too skinny (I still find this one amusing) I am staying put. No more goal stretching and moving the mark.

I wrote about maintaining the other day. I want to maintain some other things, too. Peace of mind, stability, in my home life, family life, personal life. I want to maintain balance all around.
And enjoy life. I am leaning toward looking at my career and seeing what my next adventure is in that area of my life. Personal enrichment.

When I finish When Food is Love, I think I will take break from self help books. Read some gardening books. Read my Bird by Bird book about writing, and go ahead with my writing and taking pictures experience that I have neglected.

I have a clear understanding of how to eat healthy and appropriately to maintain my weight. I also have a good grasp of how much working out I can do and what is comfortable for me. No obsessing and complusing, just living my new way of living that supports the normal body mass.
I keep track of my meals but it is second nature to me. I know what meals have what amount of calories, and fiber so I mix and match them up. I also weigh everyday, give or take a day or two, to keep in reality and to stay accountable.

I want to have healthy practices to take care of myself to avoid going back to old ways that fostered emotional eating and binging. I know what those are. I do them already.

So right now I am there and I am going to enjoy and stay there a while. At the goal weight.

Does this make sense?? I think I should post photos so you guys can comment. I still don't have a grasp on what I really look like, but I am much more comfortable with it. I wear my shorts and tanks and just let it be.

Maintaining

I was thinking this morning that perhaps June can be Maintenance Month. I lost in both April and May, and made goal, so maintaining is a good thing. Also, I feel I am still adjusting to that ten pound loss. My workouts are getting regular again. I am targeting a couple of key areas. My food is fairly stable. What I really want is to tone and get used to my smaller body. Let it adjust, as well. I am hovering around the same weight, within two pounds, and that is fine. I have an injury to recover from, so taking extra good care of myself is at the top of my priorities. June is a month to heal and stabilize. If I lose and additional pound or two, fine. But I am not pushing myself right now.

Last night I stopped off to socialize a little. Saw some people who have not seen me since the breakup with MF. I was dressed nicely from work, and I received many compliments, especially from the women. A few asked how I was doing, and felt that they were, without saying it, referring to the breakup. I was happy to say I was doing great, because I am. I had vanished from that group that he circulates in for the most part, and many have not seen me since the night I confronted him when he was with the other women. Some of them had seen him with her and wondered, without saying anything, what he was up to. The women knew me and liked me. So it was nice to see them and let them know that there is definitely life, abundant life, after a breakup with Mr. Big. I have lost ten pounds since the breakup and it shows up more on my body. I have improved myself since then, having gone through some stuff, and prevailed. I want to be an example to those younger women, that a relationship, even if it's with Mr. Big, is not the be all, end all to life. We can move on, and grow even better. They seemed to think he was some sort of celebrity or something.

Enough of that. Exercise is going pretty good. I am in physical therapy now. I hope it helps. Been there once, will go again tomorrow. I forgot to ask him if there is anything I should not be doing at the gym. I went to the gym on lunch hour yesterday and I went early this morning for cardio only. I am happy with my current exercise regimen. I am doing some weight resistance of opposing muscle groups for my legs to tone them up. I do this at the gym with the equipment. I want to keep up with it at least doing it a couple to three times per week. I do my ab work at home and I use hand weights for my arms. I need to talk to the therapist about upper body/back/abs at the gym, using equipment.

Relaxation is on the priority list, too. I also make it a point to lay in my lounge chair on the patio each night and relax. It feels really good. I watched the moon rise Monday night. There was a point at which it was exactly between the tops of two trees, and perfectly lined up with where I was sitting. It was one of those cosmic kind of moments, where I felt in perfect alignment with everything.

I am still reading that awesome book When Food Is Love. It continues to confirm things, and open my eyes even more - explaining feelings and behaviors. It is also a good read, she is even funny in some parts.

I just found out my living room floor is going to be jack hammered tomorrow. I have had drain overflows twice in the past week....so be it. I am not letting anything get to me.

Another Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was great. Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon gardening. My idea of heaven - and in the evening I rested on the patio amongst the beauty of it. I put in flowers of all colors, yellow dwarf sunflowers, purple Phlox, tall blue things I don't recall the name of, pink and white inpatients, pink petunia, and others. I moved things, I trimmed things, I dug and cleared and got muddy and sweaty. It was awesome. When I made my second trip for more stuff, I just hosed my legs and arms off and went in my short black swim trunks and my favorite men's tank undershirt over my swimsuit top. I still had a little mud here and there but I felt so comfortable in my own skin, fear being in public in shorts was all gone. I felt like a Gardner, because I am one.

Last night both kids stayed home. I reclined on the patio and they did their own things. But it was nice that we were all home. I went to bed fairly early so I could be rested for the trip to see my father today. That went nicely, too. The kids got up, but slept some of the way. I set my cruise control on 55 and went at my own pace while cars and trucks whizzed past. It felt nice. Going at my own pace and not worrying about whether it was fast enough for anyone else. They can pass me. I like where I am. I am talking about my life now. I am going at my own pace. And not worrying about if it is fast enough or good enough for anyone else. I am liking it very much. In fact, I am loving it. Peaceful time sitting on my patio in the morning and evening is so wonderful I do not have a word for it yet. Contentment, perhaps. Delicious contentment.

I have had moments of thinking I have no figure now, like I lost too much weight, which is clearly not the case. Now this is funny to me most of the time but it is also an example of the body obsession. The distorted thinking. The compulsion. It is as if it cannot just be OK. But it is really OK. I just have distorted and weird thoughts. I want to get used to the way I am. No more sizes. Stay where I am for a while. Adjust. Eat how I have been eating and exercise and just be. Live my life. Focus more on other things, while also making my healthy eating and exercise a normal part of my life. Like Helen says, the drastic is the normal.

The time I spent with the Weed helped me see how much I have changed. In a good way. The Weed is not at all interesting, or desirable to me. Or threatening. Another moment of clarity hit me when I went to see my father. He had his beard trimmed -the same kind of beard as my X not the Weed but the most recent X. He looked like my X in the face. It was striking. It put that X into perspective as well. These are people from my past. They are not my present. I still think of them, run into them, and may have a word with them at times, but they are the past. MF always reminded me of my father. Never in looks though. It was the oddest thing today. I never thought any of my boyfriends were like my Dad, but the shrinks always talked about that sort of thing. MF was very, very much like my father. I liked that at first, there was a comfort in it. I am losing my father to the disease of Alzheimer's. But the reality of my father as a partner is that my father was emotionally unavailable, controlling and unfaithful to my mother. He was a misogynist. I had to read a book when I was in therapy about that kind of man. It was not pleasant. I love my father. I always have but he is easier to love now that he has Alzheimer's. He has forgotten how to be a misogynist.

Sometimes I just want to take a break from all this effort to heal and grow and change and get better. I just want to be for while. Rest. I know one thing. This book, When Food is Love is helping me see myself, and understand my behavior and feelings in my past relationships. It also explains, as Lynn promised, why I picked and went back to unsatisfying relationships over and over in the past. It is a huge chunk of reality to swallow all at once. So I am going to let it digest. And go at my own pace. And let people pass me if I am going too slow for them. I may even stand still for a while.

TGIF

Soooooooooooo glad it's Friday. Yesterday on the highway, on the bridge, a lady hit the back of my car...geez, right? The truck in front of me had locked up his brakes and screeched to a halt so bad there was smoke all over from the burning rubber. I stopped in plenty of time because I drive slower than ever now and keep a distance between me and everyone else. But the lady behind me, screeched loudly, but did not quite make it. It was barely a nudge but it put these imprints of her license plate screws into my lovely painted to match bumper. Also, it pushed the bumper so that there is a barely noticible difference in the way the bumper fits the car. I'm not a body shop person so I don't know what the deal really is but I do know that its a new car, with a new loan and I should protect it's value. She followed me off the bridge and pulled over. I looked and barely saw a scratch, I told her to go on but she insisted on at least giving me her number. She was very nice. I really did not want to mess with any of it. I was a tad freaked out and just wanted to go home and forget it happened.

I thought it over at home and realized that I should indeed mess with it because I borrowed a chunk of money to drive that nice car and now it is damaged, although small, and should be fixed. So I called her and she very nicely said she'd turn it in on her insurance and she gave me all their info.

Poop is all I can say. I hate driving. I don't want to be on the road with all the people who seem to get up on my bumper cuz I am driving the speed limit or five miles under to be safe and to SAVE ON GAS. I read up on some trend called hypermiling, which is driving in such a way to save on the gas your car uses. I don't put it in neutral and coast to stops because that's not really safe, but I am using other techniques. You can Google the term and find out about it. I'm desperate to save money. But people like to go fast, ten miles over the speed limit and such so its an adjustment to have them all close behind me or passing me and scowling, etc...can't they see that I am saving them money too, and what about the scenery, can't we all just take it easy??

I did feel better after making the decision to call her and have her turn it in, but I tell you what, the incident freaked me out. The screeching of tires and bracing myself to be hit...it stressed me. My back hurt even worse, and I just felt that trauma thing all over again...It took a while to unwind. And once I finally did, I nibbled. Darn it. But not too horribly. Yesterday I did well all day. So perhaps the nibbles were not that bad. I took a long, long, dog walk to make myself feel better so all in all I think I had a good day. I slept very well. I have been taking an anti anxiety in the evening (wonder if it makes me nibble??) and I notice it helps me sleep better.

So, I'm all prepared today, and hoping to avoid the nibbles or at least pick up some salsa and raw veggies to nibble if it strikes me tonight. I think I will go out tonight and hang with some pals for a while or browse the mall, bookstore, etc..maybe a movie. Or stay home and garden till dark and then another lovely walk. I am going to insist on enjoying myself, whatever it is..and RELAXING.

More will be revealed....

Thursday is almost Friday

Found myself nibbling while on the phone last night. I got home late. Yesterday I had too many carbs in my diet. That usually results in more eating. But I don't think it was particularly damaging. I just wanted to keep going down, and not fluctuate up. So this morning I exercised and skipped the weigh in. I am doing a basic drastic today. Have a plan. Yesterday I went to the gym. Tuesday I took a long walk on my lunch hour. Monday I went to the gym. So I am on a good roll with exercise.

Balance is what I want the most. A good balance of eating and exercise. Nothing that feels high pressure, but something that makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. And making progress. This week I have been doing that. I would like to take the food intake down a notch, though. At least I nibbled healthy. The only high calorie nibble was frosted mini wheats which have fiber. But they are an old binge food of mine. I usually measure out a cup and that has to be all, but I did not measure, I just ate.

I am glad the week is almost up. I won't be going to the prisons this weekend. I will be going to see my father on Sunday. I can't travel both days, in fact I don't feel like traveling at all. I want to relax. I will try and make the travel relaxing. I am looking forward to just gardening and painting my toenails, frankly. I reclined on the patio again last night and it was awesome with a breezy wind blowing. I feel so deliciously relaxed when I do that.

So today's goal is to only eat what is on the plan. There were snares yesterday, some kind of bon bon things and these mini cup cakes. I would take a bite and throw the rest away, but the bites add up. I want to have a no bite day. Snares if any will have to be passed up all together. I have a goal and I am focused.

More will be revealed.

May results

I was so busy in my crisis junk that I forgot to record that I lost five pounds in may. I started at 153 and ended at 148. Today I was back at 149 when I got on the scale so I am almost back to the low weight. Need to watch the sodium and drink plenty of water. I think I may post my daily weigh in like Laura does, it keeps me accountable. I barely ate after getting home last night, there was no time. Maybe that's the key, be so busy there is no time to eat!!! I like that.

Last night daughter and I had a shopping trip (for her) planned. Before we even made it to the store my grandson called. Water and icky was all over the downstairs guest bathroom. The drain was backing up again. I came home, it had stopped coming out of the drain thankfully but there was still cleanup to do. I called landlord (the joy of renting) and he came. The carpet is pulled up again, etc. But after meeting with him for a bit, I decided to go on and take my daughter shopping. There was nothing for me to do there. The trip was a bit rushed but we also ended up picking up two of her friends and then I dropped them all off to spend the night at another friend's house. Then, I had to go take grandson to his friend in another direction. These kids need to make friends in OUR neighborhood. With gas prices, it would save a bunch of money. Not sure how to do that, but I am going to work on it. Maybe with high school.

I am leaving the house in the hands of landlord. I came to work. He can do the cleaning. Nice that daughter had cleaned the living room so I was not horrified at the thought of him showing up. I just hope he does not go in my room. It is a disaster. The rest of the house is OK. And when I say disaster, I am not exaggerating.

I exercised this morning, abs and arms. Was late for work so not sure if I can squeeze in the gym but I am going to try. Want to get the last few pounds off but frankly if I can maintain where I am and firm things up I will be thrilled. I want to post photos but have not gotten around to it.

I am enjoying myself again, and guess what? I like myself. I like the self that takes care of myself better than the one that obsesses over everyone else's problems - and then gets mad at people because of it. I like that self, too, but she is not as fun to be around....Also I like the self that does not worry so much about whether or not others will like her, so much that she changes what she does to wrap around what they want. This self can seek out people that she has things in common with, and enjoy being who she is.

Starting to feel excited about life again, in spite of drain back ups. I needed landlord over to fix a few things anyway.

More will be revealed.

Seeing Myself

I went on the garden tour with my good friend yesterday. It was going to be a hot day. I put on Capri's but took my new shorts. I was afraid to wear my shorts. When I got to her house I put them on in her bathroom and asked her to come and see if they were OK. She said my legs were skinny and I looked great. I did not see it but trusted her judgement that I could go on out in public in my shorts. I needed her to see me. I do not know how to see myself. I was happy to be able to go out on a hot summer day in real, live, middle of the thigh shorts. But still felt kinda naked. Funny, but true.

The tour was awesome. We talked and visited in the car (she drove, which was really, really great) on the way to each destination, and then we marveled at the gardens and homes, and talked plants and gardening with other folks on the tour. I loved it. I even took off my shoes and went bare footed in some areas. I was by a little pond/fountain area in one of the gardens and a woman was taking a picture. I moved out of the way. She said I would have been great in the picture. It was a compliment, flattering, but it scared me a little. I did not know what to do with that information. Also, one garden had several mirrors, I was afraid to look in them. I did look, I saw my white legs hanging out in the open where all could see and it scared me.

OK, I know I am not normal. I am trying to recover from all this. I am happy to get compliments, and to wear shorts. I am also getting in touch with whatever these feelings are. I am not going to let them dominate me, or drive me back to a tub of ice cream. But I am going to let them surface and check them out. They have been with me all my life. They are part of my relationship with myself and with food. I want a healthy relationship with my body and food. That's my goal.

Just now I was downstairs getting milk from the vending machine. Our company receptionist told me she did not recognize me because I lost so much weight. She asked, and I had to tally it up, and I had lost 17 pounds from when I signed up for WW in October. She asked how I did it. I told her I ate less, and used a variety of diet information. She asked if I exercised, I said some, but not always. This is all true. I have no magic. I just don't give up I guess, and I eat less. I could not go into all the psychological stuff with her but someday if I solve the mystery of me, I may be able to summarize that and tell people. I get asked more and more "how I did it" and I do tell people I have done it gradually, over time. There is no quick fix for me. I am still in the mystery part of this deal. It still seems temporary, like another weight I am passing through, but in reality I am close to the size where I want to stay, if not already there.

Right now, though, I want to be comfortable in my body. And not scared of myself in shorts. I want to believe what people say about my looks, but not dependent upon the compliments and remarks. It's new, people notice. But eventually, they will accept and recognize me, it will be "normal" for me to look this way. I want to feel "normal" in my body. That may take time. And friends like Lois, who took me touring yesterday. She wants to take me shopping, too, and help me pick out a couple of summer dresses. She wants to take me to concerts at the botanical gardens. Basically, we are going to dress me up, and take me out. I need help with that, and she's a good person to do it. She's happily married, a long time friend, stable, with a teenage son and a good career. We have a lot in common, minus the married part.

So here I am. It's Monday morning. I had a fabulous weekend. My desire to be a passenger and not a driver was defiantly fulfilled, Saturday night, and Sunday. I wore real shorts in public, and I took good care of myself. I had time with both kids, and took care of my pets and household. I even got in some gardening and reading time. Last night I reclined in my lounge chair on my patio and felt incredibly content. Life is great.

More will be revealed.

PS - I went to the gym and had a good 30 minute workout on my lunch hour, and I made my physical therapy appoinment. I feel healthy again. Even the cold is going away.

Nice Weekend

What a nice weekend I am having. I bought a car Friday, so now I can get on with the rest of my life. It's the kind of car I have been wanting for a long time. A Toyota Camry. It's a 2004 and I really like it. It is comfortable, roomier than our other cars, and has a good stereo. It gives a smooth ride, too. My daughter likes it. And when I drive her and her friends around, they will be more comfortable. It's my comfy car.

Today was great. I got up early and worked in my garden. I just call my back yard my garden because it is a small yard and mostly flowers and bushes, so basically, it is all garden to me. I planted some flowers, and I cut the weeds/grass. It was so nice to finally spend some time there. I love it. Things are blooming that did not bloom last year. I love spending time there in the morning.

Then I went to my Saturday morning group that I have been attending. Afterwards we all went for their yearly barbecue. It was so nice to be social and get to know some new people. I did not stay too long because I had some shopping to do. Still completing my summer wardrobe. Shopping was a bit tiring, I was getting shorts. My legs need work but I have to have shorts. It's HOT. I am wearing real shorts this year and not just my Capri's. I also bought a few more flowers. I did not see any hibiscus but will get those later. I had a little time at home prior to the dinner thingy. I don't consider it a date. Just a dinner.

I ate carefully at dinner. I had grilled shrimp and steamed veggies. But I did have some whole grain bread and butter. I am still trying to lose back that couple of pounds I gained. Today was a very reasonable eating day. At the barbecue I had chicken breast, salad, slaw and fruit. Small servings of each. And breakfast was a protein bar. I did not get much exercise, except for gardening.

My dinner "date" was nice. It was realistic. We were not trying to have romance. Both of us have gone through some relationship stuff and just want some friendship. He got the dealer stickers off of my car window for me and told me he would help me with some odd jobs on my rental property and a few things I need to do that involve a truck and putting things together. It was an early evening and I still had time to drive my daughter out to her friend's house.

Tomorrow I am going on a garden tour with a friend. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be fun and it will give me ideas for my garden. She's driving. And that's even better. I am going to make it a point to drive less even though I do enjoy driving my new car.

I am reading the book Lynn recommended. When Food is Love. All I can say right now is WOW. It is so on point about compulsion. I have never seen it explained so well. I feel I am solving a mystery about myself and I have just begun reading it. Now is the perfect time to read it, too. It is helping me understand what I was feeling/doing in my relationship this winter.

Anyway, more will be revealed!!! I feel like I am getting my life back.

Friday!!!

It is Friday and I am taking off early to go car shopping. I feel pretty good. I am wearing a very cute top that I bought many years ago, like perhaps 2002 - but it never fit the way I wanted it to. So now it fits the way it is designed to fit. I also have on my lowest size Capri's. My couple of pounds of water or whatever is still on the scale but I don't care. I ate much better yesterday but noticed where I had higher sodium in my food (lunch meat, salad dressing, etc.). I think I will start watching that as well.

I am off caffeine now since Sunday. Did some exercises this morning. Have not gone to the gym. I am going to start physical therapy next week.

I still feel slightly traumatized. But better each day. I am healing. I have my food with me so I can eat sanely while I am at work. I am taking my medicine for the cold. It seems to be better. Once I am off work I am going to spend the day taking care of my immediate needs - the car, for one. And, work in the garden if it does not rain...decided to get a couple of hibiscus for the back so perhaps I can shop for those today if time permits. They seem tropical and it appears we may have a tropical summer in the weather department.

Working in the garden is a healing activity. I just want my life back. My peaceful, calm, optimistic life. Sunday I am going on a garden tour with one of my good friends. I am looking forward to that. She's doing the driving, too. I most likely will not have dinner with the Weed on Saturday night. There are too many other things to do that would be better for me. Like doing my toenails or my hair.. hee hee or cleaning the cat boxes....okay I will stop. I think I may be getting my sense of humor back.

Every encounter today with another human being can be an opportunity to share an attitude of joy....or something positive anyway. I will shoot for joy and see what happens!

Post Crisis Eating

Vickie and I have talked about this - I eat pretty good during the crisis and when it's all over, then I eat more. I call it relief eating. I did some of that yesterday. So I was not sticking to any kind of drastic. My weight is up a couple of pounds. I am doing better today. I have done much worse. I am following my usual pattern. I lose some pounds and then fluctuate around the new number. I am trying to drink plenty of water today because I have been eating more salty foods than normal. I had mircowave popcorn two nights in a row. Not the low cal stuff, the good stuff. If I had the lower calorie stuff on hand I would have eaten it, but the good stuff was all I had. I don't remember what I ate last night but it was more than I planned.

I was exhausted again last night, went out to look at a car but it was not through service yet. Just being on the lot put me in a panic. I will resume looking tomorrow. I have two days left to get one basically. I slept a little late today and went in an hour late for work. I was just too tired to get up. The sleep is doing me good, though. Good for my state of mind.

I have plenty of work to do today on the job. Taking it one item at a time. I think I could use a little more sleep. .

Back to Drastic

Part of taking care of me is watching what I eat. I have done pretty good during my melt down days but now I am back to paying attention, tracking, planning. I am not on super drastic. I am basically on super drastic plus high fiber cereal. I missed my high fiber cereal. I am having veggies, lean meats, low-fat or non fat yogurt and high fiber cereal. Also will allow eggs. I like eggs.

I went to a meeting last night. Al-anon. Good support for what I am going through. Good for people who think about other people's problems so much they can't focus on themselves. I want to attend regularly. I bought a book about losses and grieving. I am getting a little burnt out on the self help stuff, though and feel like maybe I just need to get out and have a little fun. Take things lightly. But I need some help to even be able to do that right now.

So I am sticking with my plan this morning, eating my healthy foods, taking my medicine, drinking my fluids, and doing my work. I'd like to get back to the gym but need to go to the physical therapist first. Have not made the appointment yet. I was wiped out tired yesterday after just going to work a half of a day. Maybe a dog walk would be good tonight.

OK - time to go to the confessional. The X before the recent X called last night. I talked to him. He asked me if I'd go to dinner with him on Saturday for his birthday. The idea of someone picking me up at the door and taking me to dinner was so enticing that I said yes. But the idea of my X is not that enticing. I wasn't wanting to fess up to this. Is the overwhelming desire to be taken out justification for associating with the X? I have a picnic on Saturday where there could be eligible future X's (just kidding, that's so negative). I want a new X, not an old one. Ok, I am going to stop....

It is exactly a year from when I met that X. Last summer I had such an attitude of excitement. Like anything was possible. It was exciting at first just to feel attractive, etc. I want that attitude back. That feeling. Right now I have a feeling of loss and defeat. I need to lift myself out of that. I am not defeated. I made my weight loss goal. Is that defeat????? Nope. I want to give up the need to feel defeated. It is some sort weirdness. Removing my brother was not defeat. Breaking up with MF was not defeat. Both of those were painful experiences at first but they were not defeat. They were doors opening up to a better life.

I have doubt that the better life includes the X before my most recent X. I hear other women going out with X's and I wonder how that works. I don't understand why they do it. It is mysterious to me. Maybe their X's were not liars and cheats. Maybe I can just go out and take it lightly and let him pamper me and not expect anything else. Just a date. Nothing else. Why do I still talk to him? I think I need to get that book that Lynn suggested...and read it before Saturday.

I quite the caffeine again. Since Sunday, so this is day 4.

More will be revealed.

Taking Care of My own Business

After a day of rest yesterday I am feeling better. I still have the cold. I am working a half of a day. One thing that may have impacted me over the weekend was the medicine that the doctor gave me to take at night for my back pain. It is a narcotic. Although I took it at night and slept through it I think that it may have had an impact on me. In addition to having so many things going on at once, being sick, being injured and so on. Today I am focusing on one thing at a time. Whatever it is I need to do first. My weight is stable, which is nice. I did not feel like overeating, I just felt like screaming at people.

I need to make sure I take the medicine that the doctors prescribe so I get better. I do not have to take the narcotic. I can take something else instead. But I do need to take the stuff for my sinus condition and my arthritis. It is all part of taking care of myself. A common theme with me.
Whenever I start thinking of someone else's problems I am now steering my thoughts to my own situation. I ask myself "what do you need to do for your own life right now?" Or something like that. I am retraining my thinking. Or I can ask "what can you do to take care of yourself right now?" I may have to make a list of questions. Anything to get the focus out of other people's business and into my own.

So for today I am taking care of my own business. I got an extension on the rental car so I don't feel rushed about buying a car. I took my medicines. I did a little bit of exercise. I have healthy food to eat. I am drinking lots of water and taking one task at a time to do a good job at work.

More will be revealed.

Depression

I hit a huge depression over the weekend. I don't even want to try and explain it. Maybe everything just caught up with me. In the midst of it I was able to make my brother leave. His presence was part of the overwhelming feeling. I confronted him on things and he became even more delusional and impossible to communicate. I thought he was scary so I called the police. He left. It was a very bad experience. Very bad. I can't even go into how bad I have been feeling.

A church is helping him. They came and got some of his things. I made it clear he is not to come here for any reason. I will be happy to hand the rest of his things over to anyone who comes to pick them up but he cannot come to my house. He needs help. I hope he gets it. I don't want to see him. I am firm in my resolve.

I feel traumatized. And in turn I have traumatized my daughter. She has never seen me in such a bad state of mental health. I am trying to get well, I am still sick with a cold. I have all this stuff to do and there seems to be no end. I have no peace. Where did it all go? It is like I woke up and realized my life is an absolute mess. I have been so busy taking care of others 0r paying attention to other people's problems that I fail to see my own.

Or maybe I am sick and overwhelmed and my life is not as bad as I feel right now. Maybe I can hang on another day and I will feel better. I hope so. I cannot live feeling this low. I have been eating some stuff but not a whole bunch of stuff. So I am not binging. I know food won't make me feel better. Maybe that's it. I have run out of things to make me feel better and I just simply have to deal with reality.

this is depression. I don't like it. It is scary.