Back to Drastic
Part of taking care of me is watching what I eat. I have done pretty good during my melt down days but now I am back to paying attention, tracking, planning. I am not on super drastic. I am basically on super drastic plus high fiber cereal. I missed my high fiber cereal. I am having veggies, lean meats, low-fat or non fat yogurt and high fiber cereal. Also will allow eggs. I like eggs.
I went to a meeting last night. Al-anon. Good support for what I am going through. Good for people who think about other people's problems so much they can't focus on themselves. I want to attend regularly. I bought a book about losses and grieving. I am getting a little burnt out on the self help stuff, though and feel like maybe I just need to get out and have a little fun. Take things lightly. But I need some help to even be able to do that right now.
So I am sticking with my plan this morning, eating my healthy foods, taking my medicine, drinking my fluids, and doing my work. I'd like to get back to the gym but need to go to the physical therapist first. Have not made the appointment yet. I was wiped out tired yesterday after just going to work a half of a day. Maybe a dog walk would be good tonight.
OK - time to go to the confessional. The X before the recent X called last night. I talked to him. He asked me if I'd go to dinner with him on Saturday for his birthday. The idea of someone picking me up at the door and taking me to dinner was so enticing that I said yes. But the idea of my X is not that enticing. I wasn't wanting to fess up to this. Is the overwhelming desire to be taken out justification for associating with the X? I have a picnic on Saturday where there could be eligible future X's (just kidding, that's so negative). I want a new X, not an old one. Ok, I am going to stop....
It is exactly a year from when I met that X. Last summer I had such an attitude of excitement. Like anything was possible. It was exciting at first just to feel attractive, etc. I want that attitude back. That feeling. Right now I have a feeling of loss and defeat. I need to lift myself out of that. I am not defeated. I made my weight loss goal. Is that defeat????? Nope. I want to give up the need to feel defeated. It is some sort weirdness. Removing my brother was not defeat. Breaking up with MF was not defeat. Both of those were painful experiences at first but they were not defeat. They were doors opening up to a better life.
I have doubt that the better life includes the X before my most recent X. I hear other women going out with X's and I wonder how that works. I don't understand why they do it. It is mysterious to me. Maybe their X's were not liars and cheats. Maybe I can just go out and take it lightly and let him pamper me and not expect anything else. Just a date. Nothing else. Why do I still talk to him? I think I need to get that book that Lynn suggested...and read it before Saturday.
I quite the caffeine again. Since Sunday, so this is day 4.
More will be revealed.
I went to a meeting last night. Al-anon. Good support for what I am going through. Good for people who think about other people's problems so much they can't focus on themselves. I want to attend regularly. I bought a book about losses and grieving. I am getting a little burnt out on the self help stuff, though and feel like maybe I just need to get out and have a little fun. Take things lightly. But I need some help to even be able to do that right now.
So I am sticking with my plan this morning, eating my healthy foods, taking my medicine, drinking my fluids, and doing my work. I'd like to get back to the gym but need to go to the physical therapist first. Have not made the appointment yet. I was wiped out tired yesterday after just going to work a half of a day. Maybe a dog walk would be good tonight.
OK - time to go to the confessional. The X before the recent X called last night. I talked to him. He asked me if I'd go to dinner with him on Saturday for his birthday. The idea of someone picking me up at the door and taking me to dinner was so enticing that I said yes. But the idea of my X is not that enticing. I wasn't wanting to fess up to this. Is the overwhelming desire to be taken out justification for associating with the X? I have a picnic on Saturday where there could be eligible future X's (just kidding, that's so negative). I want a new X, not an old one. Ok, I am going to stop....
It is exactly a year from when I met that X. Last summer I had such an attitude of excitement. Like anything was possible. It was exciting at first just to feel attractive, etc. I want that attitude back. That feeling. Right now I have a feeling of loss and defeat. I need to lift myself out of that. I am not defeated. I made my weight loss goal. Is that defeat????? Nope. I want to give up the need to feel defeated. It is some sort weirdness. Removing my brother was not defeat. Breaking up with MF was not defeat. Both of those were painful experiences at first but they were not defeat. They were doors opening up to a better life.
I have doubt that the better life includes the X before my most recent X. I hear other women going out with X's and I wonder how that works. I don't understand why they do it. It is mysterious to me. Maybe their X's were not liars and cheats. Maybe I can just go out and take it lightly and let him pamper me and not expect anything else. Just a date. Nothing else. Why do I still talk to him? I think I need to get that book that Lynn suggested...and read it before Saturday.
I quite the caffeine again. Since Sunday, so this is day 4.
More will be revealed.
posted by Cindy at
9:49 AM
5 Comments:
Geez, girl...I go away for a week and you have a bad accident, brother-trauma, reach your goal (YAY YAY YAY FOR YOU!), have depression and X issues. Whew...no wonder you're wiped out...I feel wiped out just reading it all!!!!! Anyway, HUGE congratulations on reaching your goal...focus on that and not the yucky stuff...and have fun on your date with no expectations. :-)
I may cancel on the date thingy. It's only Wednesday.
I know how you feel about the "date"...in the past, I had a tendency to fall back in with Xs when nothing else romance-wise was going on...but it almost never made me feel REALLY good.
I think your assignment for this week is to HAVE FUN...in whatever form that takes. :-)
hugs
Get the book. What you want girl is relief from pain. Food is not longer serving that function so you take up with x's. I have done this. They turn out to be the same old assholes we remember.
You need some variety in your life. Leave the mess at home behind, pack your daughter and grandson up, and GO SOMEWHERE. Anywhere as long as you are not required to take care of someone at the end of the line. If your car is still dead, rent one, a cute one. I know all of this costs money but it may be worth it even if you have to plasticize it.
Co-dependent is hard. God knows I have had my struggles with it. Just knowing I have this tendency is helpful when I am burdened with guilt for saying "NO."
I have an idea. Come visit me. But bring warm clothes, it was 33 degrees this morning. Take care.
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