Seeing Myself
I went on the garden tour with my good friend yesterday. It was going to be a hot day. I put on Capri's but took my new shorts. I was afraid to wear my shorts. When I got to her house I put them on in her bathroom and asked her to come and see if they were OK. She said my legs were skinny and I looked great. I did not see it but trusted her judgement that I could go on out in public in my shorts. I needed her to see me. I do not know how to see myself. I was happy to be able to go out on a hot summer day in real, live, middle of the thigh shorts. But still felt kinda naked. Funny, but true.
The tour was awesome. We talked and visited in the car (she drove, which was really, really great) on the way to each destination, and then we marveled at the gardens and homes, and talked plants and gardening with other folks on the tour. I loved it. I even took off my shoes and went bare footed in some areas. I was by a little pond/fountain area in one of the gardens and a woman was taking a picture. I moved out of the way. She said I would have been great in the picture. It was a compliment, flattering, but it scared me a little. I did not know what to do with that information. Also, one garden had several mirrors, I was afraid to look in them. I did look, I saw my white legs hanging out in the open where all could see and it scared me.
OK, I know I am not normal. I am trying to recover from all this. I am happy to get compliments, and to wear shorts. I am also getting in touch with whatever these feelings are. I am not going to let them dominate me, or drive me back to a tub of ice cream. But I am going to let them surface and check them out. They have been with me all my life. They are part of my relationship with myself and with food. I want a healthy relationship with my body and food. That's my goal.
Just now I was downstairs getting milk from the vending machine. Our company receptionist told me she did not recognize me because I lost so much weight. She asked, and I had to tally it up, and I had lost 17 pounds from when I signed up for WW in October. She asked how I did it. I told her I ate less, and used a variety of diet information. She asked if I exercised, I said some, but not always. This is all true. I have no magic. I just don't give up I guess, and I eat less. I could not go into all the psychological stuff with her but someday if I solve the mystery of me, I may be able to summarize that and tell people. I get asked more and more "how I did it" and I do tell people I have done it gradually, over time. There is no quick fix for me. I am still in the mystery part of this deal. It still seems temporary, like another weight I am passing through, but in reality I am close to the size where I want to stay, if not already there.
Right now, though, I want to be comfortable in my body. And not scared of myself in shorts. I want to believe what people say about my looks, but not dependent upon the compliments and remarks. It's new, people notice. But eventually, they will accept and recognize me, it will be "normal" for me to look this way. I want to feel "normal" in my body. That may take time. And friends like Lois, who took me touring yesterday. She wants to take me shopping, too, and help me pick out a couple of summer dresses. She wants to take me to concerts at the botanical gardens. Basically, we are going to dress me up, and take me out. I need help with that, and she's a good person to do it. She's happily married, a long time friend, stable, with a teenage son and a good career. We have a lot in common, minus the married part.
So here I am. It's Monday morning. I had a fabulous weekend. My desire to be a passenger and not a driver was defiantly fulfilled, Saturday night, and Sunday. I wore real shorts in public, and I took good care of myself. I had time with both kids, and took care of my pets and household. I even got in some gardening and reading time. Last night I reclined in my lounge chair on my patio and felt incredibly content. Life is great.
More will be revealed.
PS - I went to the gym and had a good 30 minute workout on my lunch hour, and I made my physical therapy appoinment. I feel healthy again. Even the cold is going away.
The tour was awesome. We talked and visited in the car (she drove, which was really, really great) on the way to each destination, and then we marveled at the gardens and homes, and talked plants and gardening with other folks on the tour. I loved it. I even took off my shoes and went bare footed in some areas. I was by a little pond/fountain area in one of the gardens and a woman was taking a picture. I moved out of the way. She said I would have been great in the picture. It was a compliment, flattering, but it scared me a little. I did not know what to do with that information. Also, one garden had several mirrors, I was afraid to look in them. I did look, I saw my white legs hanging out in the open where all could see and it scared me.
OK, I know I am not normal. I am trying to recover from all this. I am happy to get compliments, and to wear shorts. I am also getting in touch with whatever these feelings are. I am not going to let them dominate me, or drive me back to a tub of ice cream. But I am going to let them surface and check them out. They have been with me all my life. They are part of my relationship with myself and with food. I want a healthy relationship with my body and food. That's my goal.
Just now I was downstairs getting milk from the vending machine. Our company receptionist told me she did not recognize me because I lost so much weight. She asked, and I had to tally it up, and I had lost 17 pounds from when I signed up for WW in October. She asked how I did it. I told her I ate less, and used a variety of diet information. She asked if I exercised, I said some, but not always. This is all true. I have no magic. I just don't give up I guess, and I eat less. I could not go into all the psychological stuff with her but someday if I solve the mystery of me, I may be able to summarize that and tell people. I get asked more and more "how I did it" and I do tell people I have done it gradually, over time. There is no quick fix for me. I am still in the mystery part of this deal. It still seems temporary, like another weight I am passing through, but in reality I am close to the size where I want to stay, if not already there.
Right now, though, I want to be comfortable in my body. And not scared of myself in shorts. I want to believe what people say about my looks, but not dependent upon the compliments and remarks. It's new, people notice. But eventually, they will accept and recognize me, it will be "normal" for me to look this way. I want to feel "normal" in my body. That may take time. And friends like Lois, who took me touring yesterday. She wants to take me shopping, too, and help me pick out a couple of summer dresses. She wants to take me to concerts at the botanical gardens. Basically, we are going to dress me up, and take me out. I need help with that, and she's a good person to do it. She's happily married, a long time friend, stable, with a teenage son and a good career. We have a lot in common, minus the married part.
So here I am. It's Monday morning. I had a fabulous weekend. My desire to be a passenger and not a driver was defiantly fulfilled, Saturday night, and Sunday. I wore real shorts in public, and I took good care of myself. I had time with both kids, and took care of my pets and household. I even got in some gardening and reading time. Last night I reclined in my lounge chair on my patio and felt incredibly content. Life is great.
More will be revealed.
PS - I went to the gym and had a good 30 minute workout on my lunch hour, and I made my physical therapy appoinment. I feel healthy again. Even the cold is going away.
posted by Cindy at
10:00 AM
3 Comments:
What an uplifting post. I'm glad you had such a lovely time. And it will be wonderful to have someone help you go shopping. I'd love it if you'd post some pics when you have new clothes to show off.
I am surprised that people still comment on how I look. It depends on what I'm wearing, usually, like if it's something dressy or form fitting, people will comment more often. And it's mostly at church. But I've been at this same weight since last October, and the same people still say how great I look. I wonder how I will feel when that positive reinforcement stops....
they make lotion that has "tan" in it - it lasts for about three days. You put it on when you get out of the shower. I have heard that the AVon product has a strong "scent" to it - but that the ones at the drug store are better. This will take the whiteness out of your legs and (I think) make you feel better about shorts. My mom's house guest was just telling me all this.
I think it took over a year for me to feel that I was IN my own body - after I got to goal. I know that it took me a year to get used to NOT having belly in my lap when I sat down.
Loved this posting. When I got to goal - I had such a hard time finding any body talking about this type of stuff.
It is so nice that there are so many of us - in the same thought process/stage/area now.
A great post. Glad to have YOU back. For us caretakers having someone do something for us is the ultimate gift. When you take up dating again look for someone who is willing to do things FOR you. I think I fell in love with Mark when he scraped/cleaned my car windows in the middle of a blizzard so I wouldn't have to.
Vickie is right, the tanning stuff does help with the white leg syndrome. I'll bet you look great in those shorts.
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