Depression
I hit a huge depression over the weekend. I don't even want to try and explain it. Maybe everything just caught up with me. In the midst of it I was able to make my brother leave. His presence was part of the overwhelming feeling. I confronted him on things and he became even more delusional and impossible to communicate. I thought he was scary so I called the police. He left. It was a very bad experience. Very bad. I can't even go into how bad I have been feeling.
A church is helping him. They came and got some of his things. I made it clear he is not to come here for any reason. I will be happy to hand the rest of his things over to anyone who comes to pick them up but he cannot come to my house. He needs help. I hope he gets it. I don't want to see him. I am firm in my resolve.
I feel traumatized. And in turn I have traumatized my daughter. She has never seen me in such a bad state of mental health. I am trying to get well, I am still sick with a cold. I have all this stuff to do and there seems to be no end. I have no peace. Where did it all go? It is like I woke up and realized my life is an absolute mess. I have been so busy taking care of others 0r paying attention to other people's problems that I fail to see my own.
Or maybe I am sick and overwhelmed and my life is not as bad as I feel right now. Maybe I can hang on another day and I will feel better. I hope so. I cannot live feeling this low. I have been eating some stuff but not a whole bunch of stuff. So I am not binging. I know food won't make me feel better. Maybe that's it. I have run out of things to make me feel better and I just simply have to deal with reality.
this is depression. I don't like it. It is scary.
A church is helping him. They came and got some of his things. I made it clear he is not to come here for any reason. I will be happy to hand the rest of his things over to anyone who comes to pick them up but he cannot come to my house. He needs help. I hope he gets it. I don't want to see him. I am firm in my resolve.
I feel traumatized. And in turn I have traumatized my daughter. She has never seen me in such a bad state of mental health. I am trying to get well, I am still sick with a cold. I have all this stuff to do and there seems to be no end. I have no peace. Where did it all go? It is like I woke up and realized my life is an absolute mess. I have been so busy taking care of others 0r paying attention to other people's problems that I fail to see my own.
Or maybe I am sick and overwhelmed and my life is not as bad as I feel right now. Maybe I can hang on another day and I will feel better. I hope so. I cannot live feeling this low. I have been eating some stuff but not a whole bunch of stuff. So I am not binging. I know food won't make me feel better. Maybe that's it. I have run out of things to make me feel better and I just simply have to deal with reality.
this is depression. I don't like it. It is scary.
posted by Cindy at
5:05 PM
2 Comments:
I am so sorry that things came to such a head with your brother. And yes - If you would be so kind to tell me if you changed the locks - so he can't get IN - I would feel better (or perhaps he doesn't have a key??? anymore???
I think that part of this might be because you were so UP with your weight being down where you want it. WE all seem to do the first we go up and then we come down HARD thing.
For myself - something REAL does set it off (the down) but I over react to the DOWN when in the past - it would have been something that I could have dealt with more gracefully.
and where are you with your hormones.
In high school - we saw a film about a child and a parent - in a row boat. I beautiful dragon fly lands on the child's hand and she marvels over it. the dad takes his hat off to shoo the dragon fly and swats it - killing it. The moral (sp?) of the story - each child has a day where their mind switches and they see the parent for all the human failings - reality.
this has happened - this year - for my 14 year old. And it is irronic - because I am doing better this year - than I have her whole life. She doesn't think that I am stupid or do everything wrong - it is just that she suddenly is AWARE. And it has been a good opportunity to talk.
Do you have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get helps with meds??? I know that it is hard to get yourself going and cope when this hits. I really do understand and feel for you. Hope things level out soon.
Letting go of perceived responsibility (brother) takes a chunk out of our self esteem if we are caretakers. WE can't fix people or situations we care about and it is painful. It also takes a walloping amount of energy to say "NO" to family. And craziness is catching. It seems to infuse the very air with disquiet.
I think you are exhausted, physically, mentally and for sure emotionally. When I am that tired everything in my life seems like crap.
Also we don't bounce back from all that uproar rapidly. I am finding it takes time (weeks) to get rested up after a big emotional/physical onslaught. Be good to yourself. Take the time to recover. Pretend you have had a serious illness and need to take life lightly for a month.
I think you are growing in Grace. Take care.
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