The Comfort of Tears

Sometimes I cannot cry. Sometimes I do not want to. But almost always a good cry brings a feeling of relief and comfort, eventually. It is a lot like the rain. Soothing, sometimes stormy, sometimes scary, but it will always pass.

I have been very emotional the past few days, for many reasons. Mother's day is my worst holiday by far. I never avoid sizing myself up and falling short each year. I wish I did not do it, and maybe someday I won't but this year was the worst. Maybe because my daughter, the one I am raising as a sober person, is older and she is separating from me, doing her teenage things. Maybe because I asked her to take a Friday night off from her social life and spend it at home, and she had a really bad reaction to it. I got my feelings hurt. I had this sick idea somewhere that I could redeem myself by raising her better than my boys. I had this idea hidden somewhere in me that my relationship with her somehow held the key to my redemption for what I did wrong with the other two. That unrealistic expectation was bound to burst some time. It did this week. I identified the false belief and I think I need another balloon because I have to let go of it now that I have acknowleged it's existence.

I did not want to write this. And I don't want it to be some tally sheet or confession of things gone wrong. Friday morning on the way to school we had yet another discussion of the impending Friday night. It did not go well and the slam of the car door was my goodbye. On my way to work I let myself feel sorry for myself and have all the "immature" self centered thoughts that were begging to be heard. I cried uncontrollably. I almost couldn't pull it together to order my frozen latte at the drive through but I did. I made it to work and hung on throughout the day. There just wasn't enough crying time to let it all out. But it needed and still needs to come out.

I need the relief and the sobbing and the tears. I need to feel the sadness even if I think it is immature, or silly or selfish. I need to just let it out without judgment. I feel peace after a good hard cry. I feel comforted even if I am alone. I feel the toxic, bottled up emotions flowing feely out of me. Maybe I will have another good cry sometime soon. Or maybe I will be able to journal some of these feelings that I did not want to admit I had. I hope so. I have a therapy appointment Monday. Maybe there. Maybe in bed when everyone's asleep.