Me and the Scale

I have been meaning to write something about my relationship with the scale for a while now. There are a variety of opinions out there about how often to weigh. I can tell you what I do today, but I want you to know I was not able to do this in years past. I may not continue to do it always. It just works for right now. I weigh myself almost every morning, except if I forget. The reason I do this is to keep myself in reality. I have a tendency to slip into denial which can go either way. I may either think my weight is fine and I can eat whatever I want. Or, I may think my weight is way too high, and it is no use to even try to lose at all, so let's hit the refrigerator. So for today, I hop on the scale to get a close to accurate picture of where I stand. It is a measurement tool.

I was not always able to use it as a tool. I used to use it as a judge. I used the numbers to beat myself up. I let those numbers set the mood for the day and I even let them determine my self worth. When I saw a big scary number, I would feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and often I would simply give up. I had a very bad relationship with the scale for a long,long time.

Then, in August of 2005, I got rid of my scales, along with some unused exercise equipment that was also taunting me. It was just about a year before I purchased another scale. I had to halt what I was doing. I had to take a break from the self imposed insanity. What I did do that year was work out regularly, and try to eat less. And I also discarded my food plans and diets. I gave them up entirely. I stopped setting myself for failure, because that is what it seemed like I had been doing. I could not use any of those things as tools at that particular time in my life. I don't know why, and for now it does not matter. I just couldn't do it.

During the year of working out and trying to eat less, I did lose about 10 pounds, according the the doctor's scale. My body was in better physical shape from working out. I also got in better shape mentally. I am not sure how but it did happen. I had the benefit of about a year of therapy prior to the discarding of the scale, and I believe what I learned in that year helped me very much.

Even with the progress I had made, I was still unhappy with my weight and wanted to do something about problem with overeating. I believe, though, that I managed to heal the bad relationship I had with myself. The self-loathing and hatred I associated with the scale, the food plans, etc, was a deep rooted self-loathing that came from other things as well. I softened toward myself. Then I became a little more practical about the whole thing. I also became my ally, me and me were finally on the same side. It is hard to explain it words.

So in mid-July of 2006 I bought a new scale. I did it because I felt ready to try and lose some weight without bashing myself. I started blogging, and I also used food plans. I used the scale to see what worked. I used it to measure my progress. I used it to stay in reality. And I still do. I can detach emotionally from the numbers better. Not perfectly, but better.

So I have no official stance on weighing. If I find that weighing often is causing a problem, or that I am obsessing over it, I will cut back. Right now I feel okay about it, and I find it helpful. So I will keep doing what I am doing. I truly believe, though, that I needed that year without the scale, to get to where I am today.