I like Monday

I am starting to like Mondays. Even cloudy, grey Mondays like today. It's a fresh start. The beginning of the week. I had a good weekend. My glorious Saturday and Sunday weigh-ins, quality time with kids and Man friend, even a trip to the gym. I cooked on Sunday and nibbled too much. But not so much to sabotage my progress. And I am making progress. I have my goal of a normal body mass index. I think I can get there by the end of April if I stay disciplined. I am eight pounds away. Eight pounds. I have lost ten in a month before. That's two per week.

Enough calculations. Calculations are fine for planning but my true focus is on behavior. My method of changing my behavior has been through patience and tolerance toward myself, and positive thinking. Changing my thinking is what changes my behavior. My actions are preceded by thoughts, influenced by thoughts, ultimately controlled by my thoughts. So I am focusing on the good in everything today. The good in Monday. Monday is sweet with the weekend memories and the promise of a good week ahead. That's how I am looking at it this morning anyway.

I set my plan for the day, I brought my lunch and snacks and coffee, and even some herbal tea. I am ready. I have my gym bag in my car for my hour break. Daffodils are blooming out in my back yard and I can't wait to start planting and gardening again. Does it get any better than this?

Milestone

It happened this morning at 6:30 a.m after I got home from Manfriend's. I got on the scale feeling like I'd see a loss. I saw the 156 on the scale. That is officially 50 pounds from my high weigh in at the doctor's office on January 3, 2005 when I begged him for help. I never thought I'd see a 50 pound loss and it took over three years but it has been worth it. The three years have shown a steady decline in weight. Weight I never gained back. It is a miracle and amazing. Most of the weight has been lost since I started blogging in the summer of 2006. I don't think I could have done it without the blogging. I lost 38 pounds since blogging and am keeping it off. This is too amazing for words.

I have been planning and tracking for a few weeks now since my prednisone and that is why I have been able to move the number on the scale again. I may fluctuate up and down around that number for a few days but seeing that number today is enough for me.

Thanks everyone. Could not do this without you!!!

Progress

Phrase for the day: Progress, not perfection. That's good enough for me. Last night went better than all the other nights. For one thing, I was busy. I had yogurt and fruit after taking daughter to orthodontist while she happily munched her favorite - chicken and fries. Then later I had salmon salad, and did not finish it all. After that I had to leave and run some errands which took a few hours. By the time I got home it was time to go upstairs and help daughter with homework. I drank water and I may have had something permissible to eat, but I forget now what it was. I know I did better last night than any other night. I also stuck to plan all day so I had enough left in my "food budget" to eat more in the evening. Tonight is a busy night. I rarely have problems on Friday night unless I eat really late when I get home. Often I barely have dinner so I can afford to eat something later.

On Monday I will have an official weigh in and see what progress I made in March. Right now it looks like I have stayed the same, but at least I am staying the same at a loss, maintaining a low. I have dipped a couple of pounds but then crept back up. Even that fluctuation is only a 2-3 pounds, unlike the wild fluctuations of the past. I am hoping Monday may bring a lower weight so that I could have a one or two pound loss for the month. I will keep that goal in mind as I reach for food over the weekend. It seems much harder to lose now that my weight is already down 45 pounds. I have to adjust to eating even less which takes time. Staying the same is progress for me, it means MAINTENANCE - which eluded me in the past when I lost weight. Miraculous maintenance, without which there would be no true loss.

One other thing I want to focus on is toning and exercising. I may end up not taking much more off in pounds. But if I tone up what is left I am sure to be satisfied with the overall results. I have been doing my abs in the morning this week and my upper body with weights at home. I did one trip to the gym this week. So this is progress from my stand still while I was sick.

I looked at my pictures from my all time high weight yesterday and it is amazing to see the difference. I should take a photo now for comparison. It is getting close to a year since I took a progress photo. I believe I weighed about 15 pounds more when I took them. When I look at my results and progress, it gives me hope and confidence to move forward. I just looked up my last year's weight for March, and I weighed 18 pounds more than I do today!!! Now that really is progress.

I am also avoiding stress. I am staying in the moment, taking care of things I can take care of, one by one, and letting go of what I can't do. Especially with my brother. I am seeing the pleasant aspects of having him around for now. I am encouraging him as he looks for a place to live, and providing the assistance I can. I am not pushing myself to do things that would tax me physically, financially, emotionally or mentally. So, in the area of self care, I am making progress.

Progress, progress, progress. It's all about progress. Not perfection, just simple, steady, progress. And gratitude. I am grateful for the progress I have made and continue to make. Sometimes I have to look a little harder to see it, but it is always there.

Anyway, it's Friday, my favorite day. The weekend spreads out before me with it's seemingly unlimited possibilities.

Happy Friday!!!!!

Evening Struggles

Seems like I track and have some success during the day and then in the evening it gets tough. I nibble while preparing meals and then want to nibble more. So here is my plan of action for that problem:

Re allocate the daily food so I have more to eat in the evening.

Have nibble ready foods to nibble like raw celery, carrots, broccoli. Incorporate them into the plan.

Leave the eating area as soon as possilbe and move on to another activity that absorbs me.

Drink lots of water.


I want to get over this hump and get off my plateau. I used to read about people's plateaus when I was still trying to lose the bulk of my weight. Now I understand. I have gotten to a weight that feels pretty good but is not exactly the goal weight. It seems like it is harder to lose, but in reality, it has taken the same amount of effort to lose all along. But right now I lose my sense of urgency or motivation because I could just hang where I am for a long time.

I want to push myself on and actually get to the normal body mass index goal. I want to do that for myself. Then I want to get blood work and see how my cholesterol is, etc. I am so close to actually realizing the goal. Ten pounds a way really. Or twelve. I want to motivate myself. It is spring and the months where we wear less clothes are upon me. I do not want to shop until more pounds come off, and I have a little time. Last year's capri's may not fit since I am down at least one size since last summer. Maybe two.

I remember long ago, in 1990 I weighed 162 and was horrified. I joined a gym and started going every day and spending hours there. At the time I had time to spare, I was not working, just going to college. It was great. I did not eat much, but I ate healthy. It worked. I lost 25 pounds in only a couple of months. It felt great. I don't even want to get that skinny now. I only want to lose half that amount now, so surely it is possilbe.

Less food, more exercise. Planning and tracking. Lots of water.

Motivation.

Discipline Update

Since I picked discipline as an area for growth/improvement this year I am taking a moment to see where I am with it. It is interesting to me that I have been motivated into discipline by a couple or a few key events. The events may have been motivated by my lack of discipline. I know there is a relationship, anyway.

For one, my work habits have undergone a drastic change. They had to. I got in trouble. I got in trouble because my work habits were chaotic in the eyes of my boss. And in reality, looking back, they were chaotic. I now come in at the same time everyday, leave at the same time and take precisely an hour lunch. If I deviate from that schedule I send her an e-mail describing the deviation and I make sure I document it on my time report. I make sure I stop in and say hi when I arrive so everyone knows when I got in. I say goodbye when I leave so they can note the time if they wish. When I leave for lunch, I do the same. These are new habits for me. But they actually feel good. During my career I have found ways to circumvent the conventional work hours. I did it with management approval through my own negotiations but now I can't. I am finding peace in this, and I am finding that this new exercise in discipline is helping motivate me to attain discipline in other areas.

As for food, my illness and the prednisone scared me back into tracking what I eat, and planning what I eat. Although I do not strictly adhere to the plan everyday, I still have the discipline of planning and tracking. I weigh myself and stay in reality. It feels safe and secure. It also feels healthy. And, like the work habits, it motivates me and gives me some confidence that I can gain discipline in other areas.

Another area where I want more discipline is in my finances - sticking to a budget. Planning and tracking are tools for this, just like with food. Even if I don't stick strictly to the budget, planning and tracking will keep me in reality.

I also want discipline in my housekeeping. This will include perhaps (I am in the inception of this one) planning and tracking as well. I can plan what days to do what chores. And check them off. Then I can build the habits. Some things are daily, others are not. The kids can join in this one with me. It will be good for all of us.

I am sure there are other areas for discipline. But those are the ones that come to mind now. Laura commented that there is freedom in discipline. I love that statement. I used to think of discipline as restrictive and oppressive. But it isn't. It allows me to do more things. The disciplined work habits allows me to go home with no work in hand and have my evening free. Discipline with food allows me to feel good about myself, have better health, and have a sense of security. I am no longer burdened with guilt because I know where I stand. The fear is gone.

Just a few comments on discipline for today. Last night my eating was not very disciplined. I was very hungry at dinner, and ended up nibbling while I cooked. Then I craved popcorn and fruit, so I had some. Looking back, that's not so bad. But it gives me that out of control feeling that I don't like. Plus, when I got up at 3 a.m. to take my brother to work I had terrible indigestion. I don't think my body was used to that kind of eating. I am glad I had a consequence. It will make me stop and think before I over nibble next time. I am feeling better today and having a good eating day so far.

Post Prednisone Report

This is my second day prednisone free. I weighed only one pound more than last Monday. I am very happy with that. I believe I will be back down to my lowest weight by tomorrow. Yesterday I had a pretty big dinner and I did indulge in a few malted milk balls and a little cake so my weigh in went really good all things considered.

I am continuing with the disciplined ways that I adopted to keep from gaining on the medication. I believe I can lose my last 10 pounds this way. I looked up the BMI and if I lose about 8-10 pounds I will be at a normal BMI for the first time in many years. I want to know what that feels like. I love the way it feels to follow a program of eating. I feel a sense of security and optimism. I keep it simple. I am not spending extra money and buying many foods outside of what I feed the rest of the family. I just tally up what I am going to have and make sure if falls within some guidelines I have adopted for myself. I prefer high fiber, high protein, low fat meals. I try to have whole grains and fresh veggies. The less processing a food has gone through before it gets to me, the better. And water, lots and lots of water.

Today I packed a gym bag. I was planning to go to the gym on my one hour lunch for 25 minutes of cardio. I am not sure how long getting there, and changing and then changing back, etc. will take, so I am doing a trial run. I may decide to skip it and go tonight when there is less pressure to get through it so quickly. I will have to see how I feel later on. My idea this morning was that even a little work out is better than nothing. And I need to get back into the work outs. I was doing so great with my cardio challenge. I went daily and then about 5 times per week for at least two months, and then I got sick.........

Last night my brother showed up at my door. My Mom had called and said he went missing. They live about 120 miles from me. He made his way back up here for church Sunday morning. It has been a month since I had dropped him off at my Mom's, and moved his stuff (again). He wants to find a place up here. He left this morning to walk to work. He has walked many miles and gotten rides to get up here. I am letting him do his own thing. I gave him a nice plate of my Easter Dinner and made him comfortable in the spare room for the night. He is motivated to do things for himself, so I am staying out of it. I have to continue to take care of me. I can't get into taking care of him, or driving 4 hours to my Mom's to get his stuff. He left his money, and ID and stuff there and just took off. He needs to deal with the consequences of that without me rushing in to fix it all. I was a bit overwhelmed and found myself heading to the fridge for comfort, but I got it in check and called a friend instead, and went to bed. My daughter came in to talk to me about her concerns about him staying, etc. and I found myself laughing somewhat hysterically about it all. I had been crying so I guess I had to do the full range. Laughing was a huge relief.

I can't let stuff get to me today. I need to stay surrendered!!

So Happy Monday!

Deflation, I hope

I was a pound less this morning, so now I am only 2 pounds higher than my Monday low. Hopefully I can get back to that weight and move on. Last night I had salty snacks when I got home, again. I wanted to stay away from salt but maybe I overdid it, and I actually need more than I have been taking in. Anyway, I have been sticking to plans and tracking steadily and it feels good. The bedtime snacks are not bothering me, I just believe that my body reacts to a reduction in calories by wanting more food. I have to resist the urge to eat more, or respond by having something like a lean, low calorie, low fat, high protein snack. Right now I am just trying to get through the Prednisone impact. Overall, I think it is going pretty good but it's not over yet, but in the decline.

I hope to keep my regimen going long after the prednisone. I like it. It feels safe and secure to know what I am eating and drinking. I don't like that out of control feeling anymore. The living on the edge with food, or anything else. I hope to get some exercise this weekend.

More will be revealed.

Puff Update

No additional puffing today in spite of a salty snack when I got home last night. I did feel dizzy, though last night and am having some headaches. I am on the downswing, the reduced dose for the prednisone and will be finished on Saturday. I have been sticking to my eating regimen and tracking. I am enjoying the discipline. But I will be glad when I can go back to the gym. I have been staying away now for 3 whole weeks. My weight was down a pound this morning. So I am only up 3 from Monday and I will be patient with this little flux. One thing about tracking food, it helps keep me in reality so that when I have a slight gain, I know it is just a fluctuation and not a real gain from overeating. The scale keeps me in reality, too but I need both to get the whole picture. The food diary and the scale.

More will be revealed

The Puffy Begins

OK. I know I have been good. I have tracked. And even measured sometimes. I have been drinking and drinking the water. So this morning's elevated weight (4 pounds since Monday's low) has to be some sort of side effect and I am not going to let it get to me. I feel the slight swelling all over my body. I am glad I dropped a couple of pounds in the beginning so this upswing does not seem so bad. And, it should go away right? Lie to me.

Yesterday I was diligent with food. I stuck with my planned food all day and at dinner I found my plans had changed. Daughter wanted to go to the mall with her best friend from where we used to live. I encourage that relationship so I dropped them at the mall for a couple of hours. I went to a restaurant that has a great salad bar. I sat for about an hour or so and had salad. Very careful salad. Some boiled egg, cottage cheese, peas and soy beans, and teeny tiny bit of low fat dressing. I had sunflower seeds. I think my total intake for the day could not be bad, plus it was good healthy stuff. It was SO RELAXING to sit there and go through my pile of mail and pay bills at the bar, nibbling salad and drinking water. I took a pile of old mail to go through so I could get caught up on some things. It was great.

So the puffy is not going to defeat me. I have been adopting good habits since last week when I started the prednisone. I believe I am doing all I can. I only have three more days. I hope to return to the gym soon but I have been focused on getting sleep right now. I have had two nights in a row of better sleep. I even overslept yesterday, but thankfully made it to work on time. Since the kids are off school I don't have to get them up I have a little extra time to stay in bed. I may have had eight hours two nights in a row now. Plus, overall, I have been more relaxed since I surrendered everything and adjusted my attitude.

To be honest the puffy is kind of scary. I can feel the swelling and bloat and it bothers me. A little part of me is thinking, what if it just swells continuously and does not stop? Like when you get stung by a bee and you are allergic??? OK enough paranoia. I think I will focus on work and try and ignore the puffy. Perhaps a little less sodium today. One thing I have been using for protein is tuna. It has lots of sodium, so maybe skip the tuna today and go for a chicken breast or something.

While puffing up, I'll just keep reminding myself that my size 8 jeans were kinda bagging last night, except for the waistline. I buy the smallest size jeans that fit me when I shop. I know it's kind of silly but it's a psychological boost for me. These 8's are probably the same as a 10 somewhere but since they say 8, I buy them. Even if they were 10's it would still be miraculous that I can wear them. I never thought I'd get down to this size again. For at least six years I struggled continuously with my eating and weight. So a little prednisone puffy is not going to get to me. Especially since I have used it as an opportunity to get back into disciplined eating.

More will be revealed..

Prednisone Report

Miracle. My weight is down.. 157. A brand new number. I attribute this to my voluminous water intake, and my steady nibbling of lean protein over the weekend. Plus, my appetite has actually decreased for some reason. In fact, it's been hard to choke down the nibbles I need to take the medicine. Thanks for the comments, and especially Vickie for the information on what to expect. I don't like taking this medicine at all, but one bright side is that it has made me very vigilant about what I eat, and my water intake. I needed to get back into that disciplined state of mind.

My sleep is a mess. I am trying to get more but I have trouble falling asleep and then I wake up exactly two hours after finally falling asleep. I can usually go back to sleep again. I have accepted that life for me is going to be different for a while, but I plan to make the most of it. Whatever window I have between getting better and having surgery I will use to get some gym time in if at all possible. I want to use everything to whatever advantage I can find. One thing right now is I am taking care of myself and letting things go.

Sunday after church and a little flea market shopping, I did nothing. Manfriend offered to cook dinner so I stayed at his place all day and up until bed time. We went to the grocery store and he did the shopping. It was nice. The kids are gone for a few days so I had no responsibilities except to run home and let the dog out for a bit. I can't tell you how nice it is to have somebody else make dinner while I watch a movie on the couch. Heaven. He cooks dinner on Sundays from time to time. And then at night sometimes he makes us breakfast when we have been out late. It is better than getting flowers. I love seeing him in the kitchen with a dishtowel over his shoulder. Enough of that.

The point is I am learning to slow down, rest and take care of myself. And, to make it a priority. This discipline I wanted, that I set as a goal, is happening as a result of a number of events. Discipline at work from getting in trouble. Discipline in taking care of myself, my diet, etc. from being sick. I know the triggering events were unpleasant, but if the result is that I gain in discipline, it makes it all worthwhile. I like looking at things that way. It allows me to appreciate the best and worst of life's happenings.

My diet over the weekend consisted of extra fiber bran with yogurt and berries; protein bars, Manfriend's eggs; on Saturday. And then protein bar plus Manfriend's pork steak and salad on Sunday. Today I am having my extra fiber bran, yogurt and a banana to sustain me during the work day, along with a tuna steak for lunch. Not sure about dinner but since kids are not being fed, I may have a nice healthy salad out somewhere. If eating at home, I will get a carry out salad at the grocery store salad bar and bring it home. That's my report and the plan. Trying to stay consistent and accountable.

Happy Monday!!

Friday

O the joy of Friday, my most favorite work day of the week by far. Concluding some hellish days I must say. Last night after work I decided to take Manfriend out to eat. I thought it would be nice to just have a quick mini date with him and go home. It was so nice to eat with him since he is healthy and all. We discuss eating healthy and working out. He wants to lose 15 pounds off of his muscle man body..not sure where it's coming from but he says he will do it in 4 weeks. We split a plate of ribs and each had a side. He had cottage cheese and I had slaw. He ate the bread, we both ignored the popcorn they set on the table. I thought it was a good meal for me. I was kind of hungry later and had an apple and a small soft serve cone, very small. I drank tons of water yesterday.

I did not gain any weight.

Today I have had one small corn tortilla with a slice of american cheese; all bran extra fiber; and fruit; Smoked tuna. One third of a bagel, and a light coffee frappuccino. It is 3:30 in the afternoon. That does not sound so bad at all seeing it written down. Now the fruit is consisting of pinnapple, and canned fruit mix in water or light syrup. I am eating just the fruit. There may be too much sugar here but it is better as far as I am concerned to other alternatives I've considered. I also must confess to two hershey kisses.

Tonight I am going to have a good dose of lean protein when I get home, probably tuna again or salmon - depending on what I have. Want to stay high in fiber, low in fat and starches. They make me crave. Also low in sodium. I see Manfriend on Friday nights and that's a deterrent to eating. Who knows, maybe I can lose on the prednisone. I feel pretty darn good compared to what I have been feeling like. I have gotten more accomplished at work today than any other day. My attitude is better, mostly from feeling better and maybe the relief of some things being over with.

I am taking some things lightly today that I was worrying about for while. Here's a little inventory:

For one, my Manfriend relationship.. I just want to enjoy it for what it is right now and not try and make it more for the time being. I was getting all this insecurity and I hate that feeling more than anything so today I am thinking about it less and focusing on other things. I am still seeing him, we have a nice thing going but I am just going to stay in today with all that.

As for my job, my boss and I met and worked things out. I have some areas to improve and I will improve them. I am no longer worrying about unemployement, failure and being a bad person!! Whew!!! I took responsibility for what I am and what I did. And admitted where I was wrong.

Plumbing, all fixed.

Kids, they can take care of themselves!! hee hee not really but where they can, since they are older, I am letting them. While I am sick, they can make sandwiches and heat stuff up. It won't kill them, AND they can clean up after themselves. All the time, not just when I am sick. I do spend quality time with each of them, not as much as when they were little, but right now they are not so interested in me. In fact I think I will drop them off somewhere for their spring breaks..I know this sounds funny to me, but I think I need the break, not them. I will take grandson to his Mom's and daughter will probably be doing all kinds of stuff anyway.

My weight, this morning I was complimented by several women about how great I looked and how much weight I have lost. I riding on that the rest of the weekend. Case closed.

My health/sinuses, had the scan today, doctor will call, I am taking the meds. Can't do anything else so I am going to lay around and rest and use this as an opportunity to not feel like I HAVE to do anything. It feels real nice to make taking care of myself the priority. hey, how about I do that all the time, and not just when I get so sick I can barely function!

Cleaning my house. Forget it. A little here, a little there, whatever make me happy and does not make me tired. Who cares? No one's hanging out there with me right now anyway. If they do, maybe they can help me out.. Besides, the whole downstairs carpet got cleaned professionally when the little area was impacted by the plumbing. So, it's cleaner now anyway.

Other family member's problems.. lumping all of them together - I can't do anything about them so I am going to pray for them and focus on something else.

Guilt. In general. If I am guilty about something fairly easy to do that I have been putting off, like paying a bill, sending a card, calling someone who has been trying to contact me, etc. , I will do it, if not, I'm letting it go for today. If I can't do it from bed, I may not do it at all, in fact.

Spelling. not even going to check it. Sorry folks. Pretend a third grader wrote this!

That's about all I can think of. My goal is not to worry. It's pointless and it might make me eat.

Happy Friday!!

Steroids and stuff

Last week after my sewar backed up - in fact the same day, a drain at the house I own but do not live in was backing up so that night I had to go meet a drain guy and pay $300 to get it taken care of. Luckily no damage to floors or carpets or anything. We caught it in time. I have gotten sicker and sicker. I went to a specialist. I most likely will have surgery on my nose when my hideous sinus infection clears. He gave me prednisone which I am scared of for the weight gain. Today is my second day. This morning I weighed 159 so I am ok for today. I feel some bloating and I am drinking tons of water. I do not feel my appetite has increased but then, I always have a pretty good appetite. The dose is relatively low. It feels like it may be helping already.

I have been in constant pain. My behavior at work with my boss last week caused a problem for me, too long of a story to tell. It exhausts me to even think about it. But it's over. We have gone over all my problems and addressed them all. I still have a job. Yay.

I have not worked out at the gym for two weeks. I have done very little exercising. All I have been doing is trying to get better. Did not see Man friend over the weekend which was a nice break. I am having some insecurities over that relationship and we have hit a couple of little bumps but still want to keep on with it for now. I think I needed a break. He had his daughters over for the first time since Christmas and we have not gotten involved in that area yet. So I did my own thing. I was glad of it. I do miss him but I am wanting to step back a little for now. We can see each other this weekend. And it will be nice after a separation. Short of a couple of brief drop ins, I have not spent any time with him in almost two weeks now. But we talk almost every day. Right now even a boyfriend I enjoy seems like too much pressure at times.

I am worried about weight gain and the steroids. I will be on them 10 days. I want to log in more and keep track of food better especially now. Today has gone well for food. I hope drink plenty of water and lay off the solid stuff this evening. I am afraid I will blow up like a balloon and then be really really depressed and I have enough trouble right now. So any input on the steroid thing would be greatly appreciated!

Pop Tarts and Sewage

I am still sick. I was going to go to work but I could not find my glasses when it was time to take the kids to school. So, I came back home. I was going to call the doctor for another note and take more time to get well. At home there was icky smelly liquid coming from the laundry area drain. Onto the carpet and into the kitchen. The entire day has revolved around that event. No rest. Nasty elements have invaded my home, including a plumber.. Someone (another breed of plumber) with a camera on the end of a cable is coming tomorrow to get to the bottom of it all. I have a cleaning guy doing stuff now. This is not over yet. There was talk of jack hammers and digging things up. Not restful at all. Not one little bit. I want to crawl off somewhere and make it go away. But I cannot.

All I ate today was pop tarts. They were easy and sweet. I had some coffee. I was going to rest in bed but cannot because the landlord, plumber, maintenance man, and now carpet and cleaning guy have all been here, at all times, all day. It could be worse. I could have not come home after dropping the kids off, and not discovered it. Then it would have been seeping all over all day long. And the kids would have come home to it, and the dog and cats would have been in it, and tracking it all day long. So there is something to be grateful for. Always.

It all suckshe dog is crying at the back door because I won't let him in to track around the house. He is more pathetic than me. When it is time for dinner, which will be eaten out or cooked elsewhere, I hope to have something nourishing. I am out of poptarts so they are no longer an option. I had about 800 calories of pop tarts I think. Two sets of two. One for breakfast and one for lunch. Nothing else. Yea, pop tarts are not condusive to losing weight. But I will survive even them. All I want to do really is get well and feel better. Dr. office says the antibiotics should be working now and i will feel better soon. It is hard to tell if I feel better or not with all this going on.

I feel like I should be doing something. Working out, etc. But that's absurd. I need to rest. It can wait. It can all wait. Why do I need someone else to tell me this? Over and over, I need someone to tell me to take care of myself.

Hmmmmm.

Monday

Friday I had the wonderful experience of going to the doctor and weighing less than the last time. In fact, every time I have been to the doctor since Jan. 2005 I have weighed less. It makes going to the doctor kind of nice. He went over my weight loss history this time and showed me how it has gone steadily down a total of 44 pounds. I'd lost only a couple since October, but I've kept the loss off over time. I had a sinus infection and an ear infection. No wonder I have been feeling lousy and tired all the time. I had to go back today, and guess what? I weighed another pound less. This is the evil doctor scale, fully clothed, in the afternoon!! this morning at home I was at 158. I want to keep the 150's now. I was here before a month or so ago but I upped back into the low 160's. I want now to make it safely into the 150's so today is a crucial day.

The days following a loss are critical to the maintenance of the loss. My impulse, or urge, is to eat more after a loss. So it takes more effort the days following the loss to keep it off. It is as if my body feels the loss, and naturally responds by eating more. My body does not necessarily know I want to lose. It just may respond naturally as if the loss is something to make up for, to gain back to keep the status quo. I just have that little theory based on my experience. It seems that when I lose, my appetite goes up right afterward. But I have lots of deals with food, so it is hard to tell what is natural body appetite and what is mental or emotional. No matter what, I am taking the time to make the extra effort to eat sanely and keep this loss. I don't want it to be some fly by night, flash in the pan loss. I want it to be part of my progression.

That means I am three pounds away from one of my goals. To check out my body at 155. Maintaining 158 gets me closer to the 155. I am not obsessive over numbers, but they are a measure, and I use them that way.

The doctor visit today was because I felt sicker and sicker over the weekend. The doctor I saw today said the antibiotic I got on Friday helped the ear infection but the sinus infection was not responding to it. He prescribed something very expensive. And a couple of other things. I cannot take many drugs. I have allergies. So I have to work with what is available and sometimes it takes time.

It was too cool to weigh less fully clothed and in the afternoon, on the doctor's scale. Itwas and is priceless. Anyone who has struggled with weight will understand what a victory that is. I have had years where I would not go to the doctor at all, because of the scale. I just could not bear the public record of what I had done to my body. I feel so much healing now. Looking at my chart of loss was healing. I am mending my relationship with myself. After all, I am the one who did this to me, there is no one to blame. I have been building trust and learning how to be true to myself. If I cannot trust myself, I cannot trust anyone else.

My Manfriend situation is good. We had a little deal over the weekend, sort of a confrontation about something but it worked out okay. I am still in the relationship and perhaps feel a wee bit closer to him. I was willing to give it up, and I still am, if it is not good for me. But I am taking the time and making the effort to get to know him and see how well we get along over time.

I want to get well. I have been feeling poorly for a while now. The rest of the day I want to rest, and eat small amounts of healthy low calorie high protien food. I had a bad run in with my boss today. Long story. I was going to stay home and get well but she had issues with my time report and I came in to fix it. I was so angry at her, but did not want to talk to her but she was there and I had to. It was not good. I hope she does not fire me or write me up. I tried to maintain my composure and it could have been worse.

That's enough of a report for today. My head hurts. I dont' want to eat over anything so I am hanging in here and going to read blogs instead.