Getting Stable

I went to the doctor and got antibiotics yesterday. I always ask them what my weight was the last time I was there. I had lost 8 pounds since the last time I was there. It was a nice reminder at a time when I needed a mental uplift. Even though I fluctuated up a little, I am still way down from where I used to be.

This week had its ups and downs. It was a difficult week in some ways but a victorious week in others. For one, I went to work every day, cooked dinner every night, took care of myself, and was a very present parent to the kids - and so on. I did not sink into the abyss of depression. I stayed alive. Very important basic stuff.

I am focused on stabilization. Stablizing my emotions. Keeping my routine, and taking care of my immediate responsibilities and needs. That is stability to me right now.

My sister is coming tomorrow. I am going to go to a party with her for one of her friend's 50th. I think it will be nice to go and see people I don't really know and some that I may know a little. A nice change. I have not made any other plans for the weekend. I want to stay home. I like home. It is safe and secure.

I just re-read an AFG post, and I am going to use a quote today, in my head, as a mantra - "just when the caterpiller thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" - that's exactly what I need to hear today. Thanks go to L.G. for the posting!

I am very glad it's Friday!

I Refuse to be a Victim

I had a very unpleasant Weed "relapse" this weekend. (Weed is a guy, for anyone who does not already know- a reoccurring X). I initiated it. Me and my friend Denial. I have my counseling appointment Thursday. I had been thinking about not going because I had no Weed in my life and I was feeling so good about it, having not even felt like contacting him and being so secure in my happy, safe life of staying home. Maybe I needed the encounter to put me back in reality that YES I need counseling. I am feeling stable today. Yesterday was not too pretty but I still functioned, took care of my kids, my pets, my flowers, cooked us a nice dinner, etc. Just wanted to die on the inside. I ate banana bread and chocolate, but I stopped. I will get over it. I hate feeling so dramatic. It is embarrassing. The victim thing, and self abuse. That is what the Weed deal is about - I think. But what do I know? I am the one who still participates in the BS...

Success and happiness are my natural conditions - I have a right to them. I refuse to accept anything less than harmony for my life anymore. I can have a happy and joyous life so long as I, myself, insist on it, and make decisions that get me there... and stop making decisions that hold me back. . . . something like that.

I am getting out the shovel to dig up the roots of the weeds in my life. And I am strong enough, and know how to use a shovel.

More will be revealed.

Greetings from the Chair

I want to make the muscle vs. fat picture a permanent part of my blog but cannot figure out how to include it in my template/layout. I am going to have to fix some things about my blog. Some people cannot view it without seeing text on top of text. If anyone has any knowledge of how to fix these things, let me know. I want to include a couple of pictures on my layout as permanent fixtures. Maybe a few.

Anyway, my weekend was full of rest. I did not leave the house from noon Saturday until Monday morning. It was great. I am on budget and activity restrictions - self imposed. I am trying to get finances and commitments under control. It is working out fine. I am enjoying what we have and not purchasing anything we don't need. Staying home was so nice. On Saturday I did nothing but watch movies and TV shows. I never do that. I pay for cable and never watch it. It is a great form of relaxation and entertainment. I am not a fan of constant TV viewing but it is nice in moderation. I slept ten hours Saturday night. I missed church but got much needed rest. I cleaned downstairs and made a nice dinner on Sunday that the kids and I sat together and enjoyed.

It felt stable and secure to be home all weekend. I tended the flowers and pets. I nested. Did not get to my room, but that would have been too overwhelming of a project for a restful weekend. Now that the downstairs is stabilized I may be able to work in my room in the upcoming weekend.

My weight is stabilizing as well. I still want to get back down to where I was but I am not fluctuating or gaining. My daily diet is becoming more consistent and my appetite is slowing down.

I am beginning to like getting up earlier. I took the dog for a walk to the swan pond this morning. It was very nice. Cool, and the sun was still rising. I have not been to the gym yet since going on vacation. Ironic - since I posted my muscle vs. fat picture and all, but I plan to get back on schedule with that soon. Work has been too busy and I have not had the opportunity to leave. I am doing my exercises at home, but have been more focused on getting rest. I was very tired much of last week.

It has been an adjustment, - the new school schedule and getting up earlier. There has been a little battling over things that keep my daughter awake like texting all night long from her phone. But I think we may have made a breakthrough. We both got a good night's sleep last night. It makes a huge difference.

Just realized that since 2005 I have lost 1/4 of my body weight...now that is pretty astounding to me at the moment. I like to bring up these little facts when I am feeling sluggish and and at a standstill. They inspire me.

Gifts from the Universe

My new center of operations! A friend I made as a result of the Manfriend episode passed this on to me. I had admired it. She got it for three bucks..then while she was watching my dog she bought a set that included a chaise at a garage sale. This little treasure went outside. She told me I could pick it up and have it. I always wanted one but could never afford one. It is perfect for laptop, reading and being present downstairs for my family. I have curled up and napped in it, too. I like it because now I am downstairs in the livingroom more instead of holed up in my room. It also completes the room, fills a blank space,adds color and style and keeps me moreavailable for the kids. I told them when I am not home the chair represents my presence. I faced it outward, toward the couch and away from the TV. If I really want to I can move it for movie watching if we need it. But it resides in the corner under the lamp, beside the window. Perfect for my morning meditations and coffee, too!! I consider it a gift from the Universe!

Muscle vs. Fat

Just a quick post to show the difference between fat and muscle when it comes to our mass. It helps me understand size, and realize that the scale and the BMI are helpful but not the entire picture. It also makes a person like me want to work out more!!!

Changes

Changed my blog style so my pictures and weight loss ticker would show up better. I also adjusted my weight since I had that gain right before vacation. Working on losing that and getting to that goal of 145. Want to keep accountable so I will adjust it each week.

I am back to measuring and planning regularly. It is the only way I know to lose and maintain loss. I don't always stick to it exactly, but it keeps me in a safe range of eating.

Speaking of changes, Lynn's comment on my last post has sparked some thinking (see below). The victim state of mind - and it's relationship to weight/food/eating. I'd like to start a dialogue on that. There is a relationship. With food - If I was the victim, the perpetrator was me. Realizing that, I could take steps to stop the self abuse. If I saw the "perpetrator" as situations outside my control, then I stayed in the same old habits..... There is a change in how I look at things. I see where I choose things, instead of feeling like I am at the mercy of situations. I also see where I cannot change things, but I can make adjustments of my own to lessen any negative impact situations or people have on me. I keep the focus more on what I do, and how it impacts me.

Food for thought?

Vacation Non-Scale Victories

I thought I'd take a minute to list my vacation NSV's, since the last time I went to CA I weighed at least 40-50 pounds heavier:

Feeling the same size as my sister. I may not weigh the same but I did not feel "bigger" at all.

Airplane seat was roomy, and I had to tighten the seat belt instead of the other way around.

Running easily. Climbing hills easily. I don't recall ever feeling out of breath or running out of energy. In fact, I had energy to spare, and was always up for a good hike or physical challenge.

Enjoying food. I was never embarrassed about what or how much I ate. I never had that feeling I used to have about eating in front of people - like I should eat less, and avoid the "fattening" stuff.

Enjoying food, without over doing. I had some great meals but did not go overboard. I balanced heavier meals with eating less afterward. I did not feel guilty about anything I ate except for once when I had the top of a brownie after what seemed like a pretty big meal..

Being able to go over a week without weighing myself.

At the spa, in the steam room, the towel fit nicely around my body. I was not self-conscious at all around the other women.

I was not self-conscious about my body during my full body massage at the spa.

Compliments from my sister regarding my fitness and ability to do push-ups, etc.

Layering my tops without feeling bulky.

That's all I can think of for now. I like to take time to acknowledge my progress, especially when I am at a plateau or experiencing a small gain. It keeps me motivated to keep on doing what has worked. Being good to myself works. And setting boundaries and realistic limits.

Zero Tolerance a/k/a Clear the Decks

I feel like I am having some sort of epiphany. It started on vacation and at turning 50. Here is the deal: Life seems precious to me more and more than ever. Each moment, each second. I have no guarantee on how much longer I have. Quality is now essential to me. I am inspired today to reduce the amount of BS I allow into my life. That's putting it pretty blunt. But it is a blunt moment that I am having.

I can choose many aspects of my life, like boyfriends, friends, and how I spend my free time. I can choose my thoughts and what I focus on. I can choose the food I eat and how much I exercise and the kind of exercise I get. Some other areas require acceptance and adjustments on my part - like the two kids currently living under my roof. But I can set terms and boundaries for them. And I am. Electronics were confiscated this morning. They will be limited and used as rewards. I have my limits and I am going to set them. If counseling/therapy is necessary, we can all get it. Support groups are fine, too. Currently, I choose to stay with the job I have. So I need to work with that environment and make it as positive as possible. I can do that by changing me - my attitudes and behavior. The rest I will have to accept the way it is.

And speaking of support groups, there is a great one for me, as a person deeply impacted by other people's alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior. That group is Al-anon. I qualify because I have alcoholics in the family. I am going to go regularly and make use of what they have to offer. I also obtained the number for the church counselor for victims of abusive relationships. Left her a message. She is on vacation. I am getting the ball rolling for that.

As for food and exercise - I am back in the groove. I have my preparations, my good food. I have my gym bag. I am doing well in that respect. It makes me feel good, so that's what I am going to do. Eat right, eat light, and get plenty of exercise.

Lastly, the Weed. I was able to do a much better job of communicating to him about how I felt about our relationship this time around. But he is still a Weed and has been pulled. It was good to have my eyes wide open and see the pattern, and recognize the stuff that is not OK. It was nice to be able to communicate it in a respectful manner. None of it changed the Weed into a plant that I want in my garden. But it did change me. And that is what matters the most. So the Weed is pulled and hopefully I got the roots this time. If not I will keep on pulling or get a shovel and dig it up. It can grow somewhere else. I have the tools to deal with weeds and I am going to use them.

Yesterday for my last vacation day I did things around the house, ran errands and took care of things. I put up curtains in daughter's room and took down the blinds the dog chewed one day when he accidently closed himself in her room. I had been wanting to get to that for a long time now. It is finished. It feels good. I worked in the garden and enjoyed my patio. I shopped for things we needed and I cooked a nice meal. I love being at home. I got landlord to fix the leaking around the air conditioner hose that caused the carpet to be damp and icky when we returned. He will get the carpet cleaned, too. He is also re-hanging the guest bathroom door that came off it's hinges. I am fixing our environment to be even better. And we are going to enjoy it.

I am fixing my emotional environment as well. Taking care of my thoughts, feelings, and reducing my exposure to toxic people, places and things. I like that. I am taking out insurance against falling back into old patterns. The insurance is increased support through positive people, church, the support group, the counseling, and doing things with friends that are good for me. This leaves little time for weeds. No room in the garden.

I did not weigh this morning. I will do that tomorrow. I did notice that the fluctuation, the gain prior to vacation happened to begin when I started engaging in activity with the Weed again. Not sure what there is to that, but for now it is a correlation. I suspect there is a relationship. It is not black and white. But it is something to consider.

More will be revealed...

I am down another two pounds today. Those pre-vacation munchies are gone. I feel normal. I even feel ok about the shorts picture, and the lost vacation photos. I had gained six pounds in two weeks before my trip. And the day I left another two showed up. It was weird but it is straightening out. I did not feel like I was eating nearly enough to gain that kind of weight. I did not let it bother me on my vacation at all. I enjoyed my trip and ate sensibly. I enjoyed some nice meals, including a french restaurant the night before we came back. I was happy to get home to my shorts. The weather here is mild. There was a big heat wave when we were gone but it is very nice now. Got to go and take daughter to first day of high school!!

Back from SF

Vacations are awesome.

my current favorite

I like this one. Me in the wind overlooking the Pacific ocean. Marin Headlands. It was near sunset as you can see the sun reflecting all over the water in the background.

Post vacation body in shorts

Me in shorts today. I don't like it but it has to be better than fifty pounds ago. Camera adds ten pounds, right?? Scroll down for a post vacation blurt...

I am back. I had a great vacation. Plenty of exercise climbing hills. Only one bad thing happened - I accidentally deleted every photo and video off my camera on the night before our last day of vacation.. Pretty catastrophic. My brother in law recovered some files but cannot open them except for a few. So we have a project on our hands. I will say no more. It is still a sore subject. Anyway we are not without photos. Daughter took quite a few on her camera and my brother in law took many. But I had become quite attached to mine. I think I lost a couple of my pre vacation gain. I think my eating habits were better while I was gone. I feel confident I can get down to my normal weight - the weight before that whatever it was gain. I did much climbing of big hills and dunes. I love that. We had a great vacation. Now it is time to get the kids ready for school, which starts tomorrow for daughter and then the following day for grandson. Getting ready to take daughter shopping. We did some shopping in SF but she still needs jeans. I am giving her money and letting her go with a friend. Thank goodness. I don't like the me pictures that we have so far. But if I get some better ones I will post one. Vacation was full of Non Scale Victories. Running around, climbing hills and keeping up with my sister who has always been in good shape. Also, she was quite impressed with my push ups. Did I tell you guys I can do push ups? I think I did. I accidentally found that out a while back when doing the plank. This is a long running paragraph of post vacation blurting. I had a great spa day, too. Time to go drop off daughter.

More will be revealed!!!!