Zero Tolerance a/k/a Clear the Decks
I feel like I am having some sort of epiphany. It started on vacation and at turning 50. Here is the deal: Life seems precious to me more and more than ever. Each moment, each second. I have no guarantee on how much longer I have. Quality is now essential to me. I am inspired today to reduce the amount of BS I allow into my life. That's putting it pretty blunt. But it is a blunt moment that I am having.
I can choose many aspects of my life, like boyfriends, friends, and how I spend my free time. I can choose my thoughts and what I focus on. I can choose the food I eat and how much I exercise and the kind of exercise I get. Some other areas require acceptance and adjustments on my part - like the two kids currently living under my roof. But I can set terms and boundaries for them. And I am. Electronics were confiscated this morning. They will be limited and used as rewards. I have my limits and I am going to set them. If counseling/therapy is necessary, we can all get it. Support groups are fine, too. Currently, I choose to stay with the job I have. So I need to work with that environment and make it as positive as possible. I can do that by changing me - my attitudes and behavior. The rest I will have to accept the way it is.
And speaking of support groups, there is a great one for me, as a person deeply impacted by other people's alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior. That group is Al-anon. I qualify because I have alcoholics in the family. I am going to go regularly and make use of what they have to offer. I also obtained the number for the church counselor for victims of abusive relationships. Left her a message. She is on vacation. I am getting the ball rolling for that.
As for food and exercise - I am back in the groove. I have my preparations, my good food. I have my gym bag. I am doing well in that respect. It makes me feel good, so that's what I am going to do. Eat right, eat light, and get plenty of exercise.
Lastly, the Weed. I was able to do a much better job of communicating to him about how I felt about our relationship this time around. But he is still a Weed and has been pulled. It was good to have my eyes wide open and see the pattern, and recognize the stuff that is not OK. It was nice to be able to communicate it in a respectful manner. None of it changed the Weed into a plant that I want in my garden. But it did change me. And that is what matters the most. So the Weed is pulled and hopefully I got the roots this time. If not I will keep on pulling or get a shovel and dig it up. It can grow somewhere else. I have the tools to deal with weeds and I am going to use them.
Yesterday for my last vacation day I did things around the house, ran errands and took care of things. I put up curtains in daughter's room and took down the blinds the dog chewed one day when he accidently closed himself in her room. I had been wanting to get to that for a long time now. It is finished. It feels good. I worked in the garden and enjoyed my patio. I shopped for things we needed and I cooked a nice meal. I love being at home. I got landlord to fix the leaking around the air conditioner hose that caused the carpet to be damp and icky when we returned. He will get the carpet cleaned, too. He is also re-hanging the guest bathroom door that came off it's hinges. I am fixing our environment to be even better. And we are going to enjoy it.
I am fixing my emotional environment as well. Taking care of my thoughts, feelings, and reducing my exposure to toxic people, places and things. I like that. I am taking out insurance against falling back into old patterns. The insurance is increased support through positive people, church, the support group, the counseling, and doing things with friends that are good for me. This leaves little time for weeds. No room in the garden.
I did not weigh this morning. I will do that tomorrow. I did notice that the fluctuation, the gain prior to vacation happened to begin when I started engaging in activity with the Weed again. Not sure what there is to that, but for now it is a correlation. I suspect there is a relationship. It is not black and white. But it is something to consider.
More will be revealed...
I can choose many aspects of my life, like boyfriends, friends, and how I spend my free time. I can choose my thoughts and what I focus on. I can choose the food I eat and how much I exercise and the kind of exercise I get. Some other areas require acceptance and adjustments on my part - like the two kids currently living under my roof. But I can set terms and boundaries for them. And I am. Electronics were confiscated this morning. They will be limited and used as rewards. I have my limits and I am going to set them. If counseling/therapy is necessary, we can all get it. Support groups are fine, too. Currently, I choose to stay with the job I have. So I need to work with that environment and make it as positive as possible. I can do that by changing me - my attitudes and behavior. The rest I will have to accept the way it is.
And speaking of support groups, there is a great one for me, as a person deeply impacted by other people's alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness and abusive behavior. That group is Al-anon. I qualify because I have alcoholics in the family. I am going to go regularly and make use of what they have to offer. I also obtained the number for the church counselor for victims of abusive relationships. Left her a message. She is on vacation. I am getting the ball rolling for that.
As for food and exercise - I am back in the groove. I have my preparations, my good food. I have my gym bag. I am doing well in that respect. It makes me feel good, so that's what I am going to do. Eat right, eat light, and get plenty of exercise.
Lastly, the Weed. I was able to do a much better job of communicating to him about how I felt about our relationship this time around. But he is still a Weed and has been pulled. It was good to have my eyes wide open and see the pattern, and recognize the stuff that is not OK. It was nice to be able to communicate it in a respectful manner. None of it changed the Weed into a plant that I want in my garden. But it did change me. And that is what matters the most. So the Weed is pulled and hopefully I got the roots this time. If not I will keep on pulling or get a shovel and dig it up. It can grow somewhere else. I have the tools to deal with weeds and I am going to use them.
Yesterday for my last vacation day I did things around the house, ran errands and took care of things. I put up curtains in daughter's room and took down the blinds the dog chewed one day when he accidently closed himself in her room. I had been wanting to get to that for a long time now. It is finished. It feels good. I worked in the garden and enjoyed my patio. I shopped for things we needed and I cooked a nice meal. I love being at home. I got landlord to fix the leaking around the air conditioner hose that caused the carpet to be damp and icky when we returned. He will get the carpet cleaned, too. He is also re-hanging the guest bathroom door that came off it's hinges. I am fixing our environment to be even better. And we are going to enjoy it.
I am fixing my emotional environment as well. Taking care of my thoughts, feelings, and reducing my exposure to toxic people, places and things. I like that. I am taking out insurance against falling back into old patterns. The insurance is increased support through positive people, church, the support group, the counseling, and doing things with friends that are good for me. This leaves little time for weeds. No room in the garden.
I did not weigh this morning. I will do that tomorrow. I did notice that the fluctuation, the gain prior to vacation happened to begin when I started engaging in activity with the Weed again. Not sure what there is to that, but for now it is a correlation. I suspect there is a relationship. It is not black and white. But it is something to consider.
More will be revealed...
posted by Cindy at
10:07 AM
3 Comments:
Very inspirational post, Cindy. I like how you name what you can change & influence, and then realize there are things you have to live with and change your attitude instead. The whole serenity prayer thing.
I need to be living like that now, too.
Hi Cindy and welcome home...great to hear you had a good vacation! :-) I know a few people who have really benefited from this organization: http://coda.org/...maybe look into it?
Loved this posting - you saw/see it all quite well and wrote of it all quite well too.
The gardening is a good analogy - pulling the weeds - not trying to maintain TOO much - picking the amount of maintain that you can handle. Getting help. Taking care of you and yours.
Do not feel alone - we are all here with you.
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