Thanks to the Universe!!

I had the perfect message from the Universe today:

You needn't worry. There is time. You have all the time in the world. You preceded time and you will exist beyond it. Age is irrelevant; more meaningless than a number. Forever, Cynthia, you have FOREVER. There is no dream you now have that you will not manifest. There is no challenge you now face that you will not crush and dispose of. There is no point in spending one more second of your awesome, amazing life, thinking anything to the contrary.
Olé, The Universe

This whole 50 thing. And the little weight gain and the tick tock of the clock running and the dwindling time to prepare for the trip. Yesterday I ate the birthday food with my co-workers. Today I "feel" skinnier. Too funny. I decided to put off weighing until tomorrow, though. I was getting way hung up on numbers.

I am taking a big step when I return from vacation. I am going to a support group for women recovering from abusive relationships. I am going to see a counselor. It is through my church. I encouraged a friend to do it because she suffering in a relationship and I see how she is getting help. I want help for me. I may not be in any obviously abusive relationship, but I am not healed or recovered from the ones in the past. And my behavior, with the whole dating the Weed and not wanting the Weed, breaking up with the Weed, taking the Weed back, not being able to resist the Weed, not liking what I am doing etc. still needs to be addressed. I want so much better for my life.

I had nightmares the past two nights but when I wake up I am SO relieved. I am grateful they are not real. I am not sure what is going on with me but I know I need to get a little extra help. I look forward to it. I have connected with a few women lately who all have issues with the past abuse and they are going to go to this group. I don't have to do it alone. When I think about getting the help, I cry and feel like I may not be able to stop so I know I have losses yet to grieve. It does not scare me, it encourages me to go to where I can find comfort and heal.

Anyway, I may not post prior to leaving and I may not get to post while away. I will be out experiencing family and life and trying to eat sanely. . .

Thanks everybody for being here for me these past couple of years. I could not have lost weight and gained the insight and strength I have today without you!!!

Checking In

I was down a pound today. Last night I holed up in my room with cucumbers and celery and my salsa dip once I was finished with my downstairs activities and my dinner. I think I am improving a little each day. I had a good workout yesterday. Today we had an office lunch out at a nice restaurant. That meant I did not get to go to the gym on my lunch hour. I ordered conservatively, a salad with steamed veggies but with blackened chicken. Dressing on side. My goal was to enjoy the lunch but also be as prudent as possible. Drank several glasses of water. Appetizers were passed and I took a teeny bit but not much. I wanted to participate but not overindulge. I have been very full all afternoon and have not wanted to eat. I should be good until dinner which will be pretty light.

Still having that puffed up feeling but not letting it disturb me. I just keep practicing my better habits. I feel a little better today. It is amazing how I can judge my own weight before I even get on the scale now. I am in touch with what my body feels like. This feels more like bloat and water retention. I have discovered that there is a surprise food thing for me tomorrow in my department in anticipation of my birthday which occurs while I am on vacation. I am glad the cat got let out of the bag so I can be prepared. It is nice for them to do it. I can enjoy it without having to overeat. That's my goal. I trust myself so much more than I used to. It is nice. I forgive myself immediately for any boo boo's. And move on.

I'd like to get some exercise tonight but can't guarantee it will happen. I will be more focused on preparations for the trip. I really am excited about it. And happy we all get to go. I am stocked with celery and cucumbers for my evening munchies. Being prepared makes such a difference. I will just keep the water and raw veggies coming and hope for the best! And, appreciate the weight loss I have maintained. Focus on the positive. Negative thinking turns into a negative attitude, and that turns into self-defeating actions. At least that is my experience. Positive thinking, on the other hand, turns into a positive outlook which inspires positive actions. I'm going with that theory today.

More will be revealed...

Perspective and Salsa Dip

I looked at my postings and my weight recordings a year ago. I was experiencing an appetite increase and was dancing around the scale like I am now, only twenty pounds heavier. That does put things in perspective. I am still feeling puffed up. I am still struggling with cravings, but less. I have discovered a nice little easy dip to make for veggies. I add light mayo to salsa and it gives it a creamier character. I just now thought about adding yogurt to it. That might be even better. I am munching cucumber dipped in my salsa dip right now.

The gain I experienced is not hopping right back down like my little gains in the past. So I am getting more drastic and using more tools by the day. I went to the gym yesterday. I have not been doing gym on the weekends. I did it to get away from watermelon. It worked. I cleaned in my room last night which made me feel good and kept me out of the kitchen. I am eating less but the scale is holding steady so I am hanging tight and being patient until it passes. I am not over analyzing or trying to find out what magical thing happened or needs to happen. It is probably a combination of many things. The answer is simple. Eat less. Drink more water and keep exercising.

I also need to avoid negative thinking. I find myself looking in the mirror and having distorted ideas about my body again. That must be a mental illness in and of itself. So I am avoiding the whole mirror thing as much as possible. My clothes fit fine. This is not a huge deal, but it is a moment of struggle and I am facing it with all the methods I have used these past couple of years.

My vacation is less than a week away. We leave Friday evening for the San Fransisco Bay area. On my 50th birthday I am going to a spa, courtesy of my sister. I will get an 80 minute full body deep tissue massage - never have I ever had one of those. I will get an hour long pedicure and also something called hydrotherapy. My sister will meet me for lunch and the pedicure. What a special birthday. I have never been to a spa. Ever. Such luxuries are not in my budget. The day after we arrive my oldest brother will come and stay overnight Saturday. We will celebrate my birthday with him early. How wonderful is that? I want to be noticeably skinnier and I am. I don't want to sabotage myself with nervous nibbling, and I won't.

A good thing about staying at my sister's is that they eat healthy. And the focus is not on food. It is easier to lose weight going there than to gain. I like that. We do things that involve walking and hiking. And the meals are healthy. There are things to be done in advance and my days are numbered to get them finished but I refuse to stress. Today I am going to pay bills, fill out the forms for the kids to start school, and drag out the luggage. One nice thing is we can start packing now because the clothes we will wear there are long pants, and warmer clothes, long sleeves, hoodies, etc. The temperatures are mild and sometimes chilly especially at the beach. So we are not wearing those clothes here in the Midwest swelter of July. We can pack them now and not miss them.

I have to admit I feel a little stressed thinking of what needs to be done. But I found someone to keep the dog who lives not too far so I don't have to drive 4 hours round trip to take him to my parents. I also asked neighbor man to water the flowers and he said he would do it in the morning when he does his own. Those were my two main worries besides getting to the airport and I have a friend who will do that, too.

I am going to make a list after I finish this blog. I have a half day off Thursday and all day Friday before we go to the airport at 3 p.m. That 's nice. But I have school things to do also, a parent meeting Thursday night and taking daughter to pick up her schedule on Thursday afternoon. It's exciting. I want to just be excited instead of stressed. We will have fun out there. It will be a nice time.

So off I go to make a to do list. Just finished my cucumbers and going to refill my water bottle.

Bloating and Swelling and Craving

OK, I was a pound down today. Yesterday I resisted temptations of an office "food day" and was patient and prudent all day. Had a veggie/chicken stir fry dinner that I made myself so I knew what was in it. . Went out and about and then when I came home I just had to have salty buttery microwave popcorn. Sheesh. The good news is I had less than a bag, and in the old days I'd have more than a bag, sometimes three bags. So I gotta put this in perspective. Keep trudging, and doing the best I can. It will pass.

I did my gym workout yesterday, too. I took a walk this morning already, along the riverfront, before work. It was very nice. The weather is cooler right now. I will do my gym routine on my lunch hour and I came prepared with my healthy food supply. I am drinking my water and waiting for it all to pass. And it will pass. I will make it pass. If it won't go on it's own. I'll expel it like demon.

Saw MF and that girl last night and then had a nightmare about him. Interesting dream, though. In one part I was cleaning icky, decomposed yard waste from his yard and putting it into a dumpster. I rolled it away to dispose of it and he wanted it back. Hmmmm, what does that tell you?

I don't run into them much and I know how to avoid them. But I was invited to a thing for a friend of mine and wanted to at least make an appearance. Which I did, dressed in the most attractive attire I could find in the true spirit of an ex-girlfriend. I stayed just long enough for birthday wishes and took off. Maybe I used a little salt and fat to sooth the hidden emotions that were dredged up by the encounter. The nightmare took care of the rest.

Anyway, more will be revealed.

Bloating and Swelling

That's the name of the game this week. Irritating but I am not defeated. It does not seem like I have eaten myself into this. But I have not been pristine in my food, either. So I am getting drastic today and hoping for the best. I have to pay attention to the input. I also have something hormonal going on and that always lops pounds on. I still believe I am allergic to my own hormones.

Anyway, I have been wearing my cute Summer dresses in spite of my feeling of largeness. It will pass. The Weed really likes my little summer dresses. I like them too, but this week I feel big. I am going to ignore it. The scale is conspiring against me, too, but I am going to persevere. I know how to do this. Watch the salt, the sugar (cut it out entirely) the portions, the highly processed stuff. Eat less, feel better. I have been doing my gym routine. Muscle weighs more than fat, right? But I want both. More muscle and less weight.

I am happy today with what I have, but just a bit concerned if not significantly scared by the sudden increase. I know, though, if I keep track of what I eat, and I am eating rightly, it will work itself out. It will pass. So I won't allow myself to go into negative thinking that leads to binging, and poor choices.

More will be revealed...standing firm in my resolve.

Family Time

I was so excited about going to my Mom and Dad's house last night to spend the night and to spend today with them. We drove down in the evening. It is about two hours away, or a bit longer. The moon rose while we were driving and it was a beautiful orange color. It was a real treat to see it out in the night sky in the country. We watched the last part of Gone With the Wind after arriving because that is Dad's current fixation. I love the movie and enjoyed watching it with him. We watched the beginning and rest of it today. The kids stayed up most of the night so they slept in. Mom, Dad and I went out for coffee and breakfast this morning. It was wonderful, quality time. It was Mom's birthday. I bought a small luscious cake and we had watermelon and cake for the treat. We ordered out for sandwiches later and I had a veggie wrap. I also bought goat's milk yogurt at a farmer's market. I had some tonight with berries and bran for my evening snack.

I am so happy with the trip. It is a real treasure to have time with my folks. They are sweet, wonderful people. We had our ups and downs over the years but have found peace in our relationships. Dad's Alzheimer's resolved some issues between him and Mom, and, in fact, he fell back in love with her during the early stages. It is sweet to see how she dotes over him and how he lets her. How affectionate they are to each other now.

Anyway, I am home now. I was excited about visiting and excited about coming home. I find lately that I am in a very happy phase. So I am soaking it up. Enjoying it. This morning I wore my pink Capri's that I bought months ago and never got around to wearing. I like them now. I was on the fence about them before. I don't wear light fabric much but they seemed perfect for a July outing. They fit well and I got over the wearing light fabric hang up. I don't know what that is but I am full of those little issues. I tackle them a little at a time. And I don't worry too much about them. They will resolve or dissolve.

My little spice finch died. It made me sad. I buried him under my rose bush. I feel pretty tired. I am going to bed early tonight and looking forward to church tomorrow. I did really good with my eating at Mom's. It is a big trigger for me. I want to nibble constantly and they always have cookies. I had a little here and there but I drank plenty of water and I am satisfied with my food for the day.

I am grateful today to have spent quality time with my family.

Eyes Wide Open

I keep my eyes wide open all the time. That's a line from Walk the Line by Johnny Cash. I love that song but I sing it in a spiritual sense. It's a love song but for me it has another meaning. About a different kind of love and devotion. To God, basically, to faith. I keep watch over my heart and I keep my eyes wide open nowadays because I desire to live my life in a new and different manner. With more discipline. Eyes open about how I take care of myself, what I eat, how I behave. Eyes open in my relationships, especially with the men. I watch out now and take care because it matters to me. I love it. I'm walking the line with food and with my behavior these days, in a good way, because it makes me happy.

Anyway, I was a pound down this morning. My deflation is in progress. I was careful, but not perfect yesterday and I got results. Lots of water. Did not make the gym but did a dog walk in the evening. I did not eat as much in the evening. I did have some noodles but I made that a part of my dinner, and stopped. Had a bowl of high fiber cereal at a bedtime. Maybe too big of a portion but I stopped. The stopping part is important. I can eat something, but then I need to stop and not keep going.

Yesterday was a better day. Today is an even better day already. I did some exercising before going to work. I did the gym on my lunch hour.

Also - last night I went to the good will store (2nd hand store) and bought 2 jumpers and 4 summer dresses for $4.50 each. And as a bonus one of the jumpers ended up having a dollar in the pocket. The dresses are all perfect for summer. Above the knee and light fabric. Good for church, work, and anything I want to do with them. It was great. That's all I wanted to complete my Summer wardrobe. I am wearing one today and it feels great! It blows my mind completely that they are size 6, 8 and medium. The medium is a little big. I don't get it. I still feel bigger than that. I can't recall wearing these sizes in my adult life with the exception of a size 8 skirt when I weighed about 15 pounds less than I do now. These must be made bigger, that's all I can say or my weight distributes itself differently today. Anyway it was a nice feeling.

gotta run. just wanted to check in and report!!

Drasticize

Time to drasticize. I have been nibbling indiscriminately and of course gained a few pounds. Nothing serious but I am at my limit of fluctuation. I nibbled things I normally stay away from like marshmallows, brownies, chips, crackers and so on. Plus I had evening/night eating issues. But I know what to do.. cut out the sugar, and junk, make a plan and have the good stuff on hand. When I walk in the door and immediately start cooking dinner, the urge to nibble sets in, so I can keep nibble foods on hand like celery and other raw veggies.

I never stray too far anymore, but I know when I am straying. I have been working out regularly and not obsessing over weight/food. I just got a little lax in my food. So easy to do and I wish I could get away with it... But the scale and that bloated feeling remind me - they get my attention - and keep me grounded in reality. Reality is that if I continue to eat that way, I will creep on and on up the scale. Plus, I won't have that clean, fit and peaceful feeling that I have come to enjoy so much. I will have that bloated, out of control feeling.

So it's a drastic day, a clean day, whatever I want to call it. I have a plan and supplies. I am keeping track. I'll have gym on my lunch hour as usual. Evening is my challenging point so I will be looking for ways to avoid the nibbling syndrome.

Thanks everyone for your comments on my photo. I wanted to post better photos but never got to it so I took a quickie in spite of the peacock hair. I want to post a shorts photo and perhaps a couple of others. It is good to see the changes, and to get feedback.

I also found some interesting old "before" photos on an old hard drive. It is amazing to see them. I don't think I realized what was going on with me at that point with food and my weight. I stayed in denial much of the time which is probably a good thing, after all. I had a lot of victories and good times during those years. My career progressed very well, I had a wonderful and very close relationship with my daughter - her childhood was very enjoyable for both of us. We took vacations and mini-holidays on weekends. Those were good years. I dated during those years off and on as well. So it's not like I look back at the years of my obesity as bad or sad or horrible. There were many, many accomplishments and joys. But there was a constant struggle going on within myself - with food, and other things. There was a lot of untreated depression and repressed anger. I am glad that I have begun to address those issues and make significant progress.

Anyway, more will be revealed. I am still going with the flow. But the food flow needs to slow down a bit!!

Quickie before and after

OK, I had daughter take a few quick pictures. I only used one. Did not like any of them. My hair is a mess. After looking at them I want to lose more weight..but looking at before and after it does show I have come a long way. Just ignore the hair, I've been cleaning and doing laundry all day!!

Happy Friday!!!

Today's note from the Universe (thanks to Helen for hooking me up with the Universe):

Cynthia, has it occurred to you that you could ask for more?
Not just more than what you now have, but more than you're now asking for?
This is why I'm HOT - The Universe

I love it. My spiritual and self-help readings all agree that we receive as much as we are willing to receive. Like this - the ocean is full of so much water. If I take a small cup to it, I will get a cup of the water. If I take a big fat container, I will get that much. How big is my container? Today it is wide open. This doesn't necessarily mean material stuff for me. It means peace of mind, harmonious relationships, a positive attitude, the ability to find beauty in the darkest places, joy, and all the same for my loved ones. Basically it means Happiness in whatever form it comes. But material stuff is ok, too.

I love it, the Universe is HOT. I am still going with the flow. Calm in my nest, sitting on my eggs while the wind blows the tree around a little.

The kids were so cute the other night. Daughter had a couple of friends to spend the night. Grandson apparently was invited to participate in their water balloon fight at 4 a.m. and then video games. I came downstairs, hearing noise in the kitchen, and Daughter was cooking at the stove. She was calling out to her friend about how she wanted her noodles. These are those noodles with the packet of poison that you put on for flavor. Daughter said to me that she fixes them with just a "sprinkle" of the flavor and some butter. She said "I make them your way, mom, see you are saving the world from sodium" or something like that. It was cute, she looked so grown up cooking at the stove for her pals, and saving them from sodium overdose. I did not mind being awakened by the sound of giggling and water splattering on the patio, either. I was happy they were having a good time doing silly kid stuff at home. And that Grandson was included in the festivities..

I took another Monday off so I can get some stuff done and enjoy my weekend. I am liking this.

Hope all is well and everyone has a big container out to receive all their blessings!

The Difference

Over my four day weekend I noticed differences - non-scale victories and other positive changes. Here are a few:

On the fourth of July my plans changed abruptly when my Grandson decided to stay at his Mom's for barbecue. I was happy that he wanted to have a family day with them, but a split second of panic hit when I realized that I was alone and planless. I immediately remembered that I had friends attending a fair in a nearby town. They said live music. I called and met them. The difference - in the past I may have stayed in panic mode, stayed home alone, and felt sorry for myself, and abandoned and other weirdness. But I shifted gears and adapted - and had an absolute blast. This leads into an NSV -

It was sunny and fairly hot on the 4th so I wore shorts, and a top that just had straps, no sleeves, beyond sleeveless, a form fitting thing (wish I knew the words for clothing..) I would only have worn under stuff before. But it was summer and I dressed for summer and felt fabulous. I went to the stage and heard two really good bands. I'd never heard of them but apparently they are known. It was free. I was with couples but did not feel bad about being single - I felt free. I could hang at the stage and slip in and out of the crowd. I took pictures. I left when I felt like it. It was awesome.

On Sunday I decided to try another Bible class, it said it was in the green room. I thought it meant the room was green. Someone led me there because I could not find it - it was the green room that the worship team, choir and musicians use (silly me..green room) and I had Bible class with them. I really liked it and I was invited to join choir. No one has heard me sing - hee hee but they told me just to come. I like hanging with musicians and feel comfortable in that element. They made me feel welcome and wanted so I am coming back and probably will show up for choir tomorrow. The difference - I tried something new and have more courage. I felt comfortable.

Also later on Sunday I ran into a few people I had not seen in a year. They noticed and commented on my weight loss. NSV.

Grandson's birthday plans were fuzzy as to who he was bringing to theme park. He thought one kid was going but this kid always cancels so I figured he was not a sure thing. Instead of being frustrated or negative like I have been in the past, I told him to call a couple others and we'd see what happened. We'd go together and have a blast if no kids could come. Grandson had been gone for two weeks and I had left it to him to contact kids and decide what he wanted to do on his b-day. Big difference, me not trying to control it and bugging him so I could make sure he had a good time.. So, Sunday evening we found a kid who could come so I picked him up, baked a cake, sang happy birthday at midnight and went to theme park at noon on Monday after everyone woke up. The difference, I let everyone sleep in, I let things unfold, I did not stress on the how's and what's of things. It all worked. I ate very little cake and it did not turn into a sugar fest like last year.

At theme park I camped out on a lounge chair at the water park. I sun bathed in a two-piece. Big NSV. I am not saying I looked fabulous or anything, but I was comfortable with my body enough to lay in the sun (with a good sun block) in a two piece swimsuit. It felt awesome. I relaxed the whole day. Shopped a little in the shops, and did basically nothing. It felt fantastic and luxurious. I talked to strangers. I enjoyed the atmosphere. I let the kids do what they wanted and was in control of nothing. It was great. I bought a couple of swimsuit covers and two halter tops to wear over my swimsuit top. NSV NSV NSV. And going with the flow.

Going with the flow has been my theme for the weekend. Loose plans that I am willing to change at a moment's notice. Appreciation for what is.

I am very far from where I used to be. In a good way. Food was not the focus of any of my holiday. I ate, enjoyed what I ate, but did not focus much on it. In fact, my body, thin or fat was not the focus. I appreciated being able to wear summer things with ease and without being so self conscious but I was more into what I was doing and not so much what I was wearing or eating or not eating. I appreciate that I am what I am, right where I am supposed to be at the moment.

This feels really exquisite just to recognize that this is taking place. I am fitting into my own life.

A Thursday that's a Friday!!!

What could be better than that?? And I took Monday off so I have four days!!! It's Grandson's B-day on Monday so I took off to do whatever he feels like doing. He is at his Mom's and will come home tomorrow. We may go to the theme park for the later part of the day since they have fireworks. But I am just taking things loosely, seeing how we feel and what the weather does. I live in the land of sagging clouds and swelling rivers....

So, about shorts. I tried to go for longer ones, but the ones that show more thigh actually looked better. I reason that this is because my thighs are biggest at the top, and the long ones show that bigness but don't show the smaller parts of my thighs. I tried on every kind of shorts and found that hitting mid-thigh worked best but it did give me that naked feeling. My daughter says that my shorts are "long" but to me they are short. I need to do pictures to demonstrate. Maybe with four days off I can get to it.

Last night the Weed brought steaks over and cooked me dinner. He bought all the food, and prepared all the food, set the table, and so forth. We ate, hung out in the kitchen for just a little bit, and then he left to go visit his son. I love anything that is cooked for me by someone else. It was nice and nice that he left shortly thereafter. I don't eat steak much, and did not eat a huge portion. But it was very tasty. I also had baked potato and cauliflower with cheese sauce, a somewhat small portion of that, mixed it with my baked potato and threw in jalapeno peppers. After he left I had the urge to eat more food. I had sent all the leftovers home with him. The only thing sweet in the house was graham crackers... I did more eating but not too bad and then went to bed.

The "more" feeling still kicks in sometimes. Especially after a really enjoyable meal. The mystery of "more" may never fully be solved. It happens for a variety of reasons I am sure. When I have a "more" day or evening, I try and balance things out by following up with a "less" day. I am shooting for balance here.. and the ability to eat without guilt. Emotional stability. And any other kind of stability I can accomplish. I finished When Food is Love. It was a very good book for me. I probably read it at just the right point in my life, at a time when I can use the information constructively.

I did my performance review for this fiscal year yesterday at work. I found that overall this was a good year for me as far as I am concerned. I gave myself a good rating and focused on the positives. We already had a meeting in March about negatives so I did not even touch on that. I tend to take one negative and let it color my view of everything. I refuse to do that now. There is too much positive to look at. And I do believe that what we think upon grows!! So I am growing great thoughts today!

Happy Holidays!!