Year end review

At the end of each year I do a year end review. I have been doing it for many years now. I look back on the year and see what went well, what went not so well, and what I'd like to see happen in the next year. It is nothing elaborate and I do it in my own time, and on my own terms. It has turned out to be a very positive practice. In fact, I find no matter what, there is always something good to find in the past year, some progress from the earlier year. One of the themes of this year was getting into real recovery from the eating patterns of the past. I believe this year I was in a better position to do that because of other progress made in recent years, like therapy, joining a new gym and exercising, and other activities that slowly brought the truth about my eating into focus. So I may share some of my review on my blog but today I just wanted to mention the idea of it, in case anyone else wants to join in the practice.

Just a word about the holidays, I am enjoying them. I decided I did not have to have a perfectly clean house, and that I am going to spend the week doing whatever I want which could be absolutely nothing. No pressure, not even to have a good time. Our holiday visiting is over and I am off work until January 2nd, so stress reduction, exercise and healthy eating are my ideas for the rest of the week. My daughter and I have been under a lot of stress for the past month or so and I want us both to take a break.

Being True

The office food parties are in full force. Everyday from different areas comes the smell of an assortment of goodies. From the aroma barbeque sauce (those little smokies that I love)to the sweetness of cakes and pies, the call of food is everywhere. So far, I have avoided all but a few grapes and three blue tortilla chips the other day. I just don't go there. We don't have those pot lucks here in the legal department, we go out. We all go to one nice lunch together, and its over. Nice for me because I order one reasonable meal, eat, leave the restaurant and the temptation stops.

Yesterday I was asked to participate in a neighboring department's festivities for today. Luckily, someone asked if I wanted to go in a on a carrot cake that she would pick up. That keeps me out of the food preparation realm. I am glad to contribute financially, I just don't want to handle the food. so the cake is here, and there's a cubicle filling with foods for lunch. I am sure there will be food that I can eat safely. I already saw the veggie platter.

What I decided for the Christmas holidays is that I will enjoy the treats of Christmas on Christmas, and not before and after like years past. In those years, the eating started weeks before and continued until New Year's. This year I have a few things I will enjoy, traditional favorites, if I feel like it on Christmas. But as for these pre-holiday indulgences, I decided to continue to try and lose weight up to the day of the actual holiday and then maintain on that day. I am being true to my goal, and true to myself. I have had temptations and this morning I was thinking, what would it hurt to have something today? But the thought came quickly that I would not be true to myself if I did that. I just can't betray myself anymore with food. The lie does not work anymore.

I am glad of that. I don't feel deprived. The only thing I am deprived of by not indulging, is weight gain. And I want to deprive myself of that. I want to be deprived of body fat.

I like this attitude. If I can enjoy the holidays with this new outlook, I will have a much brighter new year!

Attitude Adjustment

I need to stop and adjust my attitude this morning. A bad attitude = overeating for me. I had a good weekend, and this morning I finally saw the first peek of 179 on the scale. 179.8 to be exact but it was still 179. That's a milestone for me since I have not been in the 170's for six years if I remember correctly. I put my workload completely out of my mind over the weekend so I would not feel stressed. And I felt better than I have in a while. I got out and walked, and I went to gym. So, its all good, right? All good until I got to the office, and read several new e-mails with contracts to review. All needed right away. I started to implode and then I found myself getting an attitude about another project that showed up last week for me and the other paralegal.

It does not do any good to resent work. That's what I get paid for, that's why I have a good job. Each project is a blessing in that it keeps me gainfully employed another day. Each project finances my lifestyle, and will guarantee that I can pay off the new laptop in the next year. So, I am taking a gratitude break. And giving thanks for all the work that is coming my way. Hurray for work!

Six months ago I was struggling with being able to go even one day without overeating. Now I have been able to eat less on a daily basis, give or take some days in between, and lose 15 pounds in six months. And not gain it back. That's a blessing, a miraculous event. In fact, I get full now on less food. I think of food less, and I feel more and more that I am no longer struggling minute by minute to not take the next compulsive bite. Yes, there are still challenges but it’s not nearly as bad as it was. I trust more each day that food is no longer my enemy. I no longer hate myself for what I ate the day before when I wake up in the morning. I don't have regrets when I go to bed at night (well, at least not about food, anyway).

I want to stay focused in the moment today, on each small task that builds into the completion of a project. Mindfulness. Once, a summer ago, I read up on Buddhist mediation, and I practiced some of it for a few days and found I could concentrate better. Clearing my mind, and paying attention to one thing at a time will be a lifesaver for me. And I will be more pleasant to be around, too.

So that's the goal of the day, staying tuned in to the moment and the task at hand. Here is just a little bit of my morning reading from Food For Thought (www.hazelden.org -thought for the day page):

Our program requires concentration. It is not something that we may consider casually in odd bits of leftover time. Since abstinence is the most important thing in our lives, we devote our best energies to maintaining it. Many of us find that time spent concentrating on our program at the beginning of the day is most fruitful.

So, I am restarting the day, after taking time to concentrate on my new way of living. And today, I am going to pause when I get that feeling of stress, that feeling of being overwhelmed BEFORE it turns into cravings for food or compulsive thoughts or resentments. I will pause and regain my composure, give thanks, practice forgiveness, clear my mind, and adjust my attitude before it gets out of control.

Things are Looking Up

I appreciate the comments from yesterday. I read Vickie's suggestions to my daughter and we are using them. I appreciate everybody's support and encouragement. Last night the new laptop ended up having flaws - spots on the screen for one, so it is going back. The good news is that prices have gone down since my last order, so I saved $88.00 by returning it and ordering another. Let's hope this one works out. I won't get it until January, though but I can wait. Setting it up was too much for me last night and I was kind of jerk about it all, instead of being excited. Now I have already had a practice run through the setup, and will most likely be less stressed, in general, when the new one comes - I certainly hope so, anyway. Now I don't have to go buy a wireless router yet, and can put that expense off until January, too. I feel better today, I think I just finally surrendered. Also, I decided to get on the scale (a dangerous thought) and I was two pounds lighter! Woo hoo! One more pound will put me in the 170's for the first time since the year 2000, I think. That was a pleasant surprise and a boost.

I have tons of work to do and have had no free time to do the blogging I normally do. Hoping to get past a chunk of work in the next couple of days and have more time. For now I just want to thank people for being out there.

Blue Funk

I did not lose anything last week, but I did not gain. Glad for that. It has been a moody several days. And I do not feel like I am coping that well. My daughter is having trouble with things like being ready in the morning, turning assignments in on time, and other things revolving around taking care of daily responsibilities. I feel overwhelmed at work and at home right now. I have aches and pains in my neck and shoulders everytime I work at the office. My new laptop is waiting at the Fedex and I am not even excited. I wish I could climb out of this funky feeling but it's not happening yet. I guess right now my happiness is too dependent on other people's behavior. I used to eat over this stuff but right now I am not. I saw some old friends Friday night and found out that a couple of people I knew had recently died. They were acquaintences but I had known one of them over a long period of time. It added to my seriousness, and my pondering of the meaning of life,or maybe just the meaning of my life. I did not realize it until this year but I get depression around the beginning of December. I remember from last year. I usually have something to blame it on, some current event but I think there is a yearly undercurrent. Well, there is a difference this year. I am not overeating and to that extent it I may be even more aware of it, since food is a comfort at times. Like when people give up drinking or drugs, they have to feel everything they avoided feeling. Maybe that is what I am doing now.

Office Food, Again, and PMS

Today is our Holiday Lunch, plus it is someone's birthday. The lunch I don't worry about. I know I can get a salad, dressing on the side, with lean meat. Or, I can order a dry grilled chicken or fish with a side of veggies without any butter, etc. I am getting a salad and looking forward to it.

Then, there were the birthday bagels. Since I had not had breakfast, I had a quarter of a whole grain oat bagel, and a tablespoon of the lowfat cream cheese. It kept me in my allotment of calories for breakfast, but I feel kind of bloated and like I could have done without it. At least I don't feel like having more.

It is PMS week and my food got wacky yesterday evening. Instead of dinner, I had hush puppies which have to be the absolute root of all evil for foods, fried dough, for pete's sake. I had them, and then I wanted no more food for the rest of the night. I wish I had not had them, but I did not compound the event with a continuation of the event. The old me would have followed it up with ice cream or something chocolate. But it was not a good dinner and I won't do it today.

I really want to experience a loss (and certainly not a gain) this week but with PMS bloat I may have to wait until next week. But I will keep flushing the water through my system, and behave myself. I like to claim victory over PMS and know that I can actually lose during PMS because I have done it before. I certainly don't want to use PMS as an excuse to eat. I remember living in the vicious cycle of losing the first part of the month and then slamming into eating during PMS from which I could not recover for the rest of the month. It was self defeating and I felt trapped and frustrated. I don't have to do that anymore.

No workout last night, either, could I be any worse? Well, actually, yes.

A New Me?

I finally did the full winter inventory, taking all the winter clothes out of the storage and seeing what to keep and what to give away. I purged almost everything that was XL in sweaters and tops. I kept a couple of comfy things - an old worn sweater and a big fleece sweatshirt. I am officially out of the XL category as far as I can tell. It does not seem real. I also have no pants or skirts over a size 14 to my knowledge, most of my jeans are now a size 12 but in the stretch category. So I must be out of plus size now. It does not seem believable to me. But when I took inventory of my weight history (again) I realized that when I was buying some of those clothes I weighed as much as 24 pounds more than I do today. So that should make a significant size change. But it has been a gradual change. I was not that happy with the fit of a lot of my clothes, some baggy in places and some tight in others. My working out needs to get regular again to smooth out these irregularities and make me feel fit. I feel baggy and saggy. When I am working out regularly, I feel fit, even if I am still a bit baggy and saggy.

So the changes I started making and have continued to make have produced results. I also notice that my portions are adjusted now. I get full after less food. Finally!! Sometimes I still want more. But I feel satisfied with less. One day I found myself taking the normal sized portion of soup (actually following the label's recommendation) and not being able to finish. It just doesn't seem real for a person like me. There must be a new me emerging. But I find myself still wanting to shrink back and hide in my cocoon. What would a new me be? All this time I have been thinking I just wanted my old body back, the pre-weight gain body. Now I realize that this is a new and different body and a changed person with a new attitude toward not just food, but life and other things. All I can say right now is Wow. Not the big exclamation "Wow!" but the slow, pondering "Wow..." and maybe a long and hesitant "hmmmmm", too.

Post Winter Storm

I was without internet access all day on Friday and most of today. It seemed like longer. Many people, though, lost power entirely and are still without. So I am one of the fortunate ones. I am very tired today. My daughter had a friend over who had no electricity. She stayed with us yesterday, last night and all went home this evening. They were up late and it kept me up. Then her father came before 8 a.m. to take her to her Saturday detention. I could not go back to sleep after that. I tend to eat more when I am tired, but today did not go badly at all. But it could have been better. I have been doing things around the house. I unclogged my bathroom sink, and redirected air from two lower level heat ducts. The vent covers were forcing the air upward so my downstairs was cold and my upstairs was blazing hot. So I have been getting handy around the house and feeling good about it. It is part of lessening my load. I am getting to the tasks around the house that I put off. They weighed upon me. I think there's a relationship between shedding pounds and shedding other things that "weigh" me down. My confidence is stronger when I do a task I could not master, like fixing the sink. I feel excited about owning a house instead of intimidated or overwhelmed. And, likewise, now that weight is coming off slow and steady again, I feel excited about that, instead of depressed, and defeated. I even tackled a corner of my room where things accumulate. It was like an archeological dig. With artifacts of the past 9 months or so being uncovered.

Enough about me. I did not get to read other blogs the other day as planned so I am getting to it now before I lose internet access again.