Holiday

It's the first eating holiday of the season. Time to bring out the heavy artillery. This one quote below from my morning reading says so much:

"Experience shows us that serenity is priceless and something to be desired more than unnecessary food."

I know how I feel after a day or even a meal of the "good" foods. I feel confident, comfortable, at peace, optimistic, accomplished, satisfied, and many more positive feelings. I also know how I feel after slipping into the forbidden zones - I feel nervous, depressed, out of control, restless, angry, deflated, pessimistic, grouchy, edgy, defeated and so on.

Today I want to remind myself of that difference. And try and give myself the gift of eating well, and the good feelings that come with it.

Can I desire the "serenity" more than the unnecessary food in moments of temptation?

Is the Slump over yet??

I made two attempts to post over the weekend but got an error message and did not see them on my view. They still exist in my postings but do not show up when I try to view the blog. Maybe this one will work.
It is the day before Halloween and I don't even have a pumpkin! I really have been in a slump. My daughter has not pushed for one, being a teen and all now she is more excited about running around with her friends tomorrow night dressed crazily with her hair spray painted. But usually I decorate some time in October. So I decided we'd go to the pumpkin patch tonight and she and a friend can carve pumpkins at my house.
I have about a chapter left in my re-read of Passing For Thin. That book gives me a lot of hope. So this is a hopeful Monday. My sickness still lingering but getting better. I have a food plan for the first three quarters of the day. I am scared of high fiber raw veggies so I am pondering dinner and will have to stop by the store. Thinking of steamed potatoes and carrots with chicken breast. Or something like that.


Trying to keep my work resentments at bay and have a good attitude.

More sickness

I want to keep writing in spite of feeling so lousy so I don't get out of the habit again. I have a system that is currently rebelling against food, but of course I still keep putting some food in anyway. Just to see what happens I guess. I am feeling uninspired this morning as I try to catch up on some work before tomorrow since Thurs and Fri I barely accomplished anything and tension is mounting at the office. I have a somewhat abuse type character at work. She is verbally abusive to her administrative assistant and has been reprimanded for it recently. She talked to me about it and was clueless, really clueless that she had done anything wrong. She does not verbally abuse me but there is a way about her that I find somewhat repelling at times. A sort of rude, steamrolling, bullish, and illmannered way that does not really fit our environment. I am trying to just let it be an example to me of what I do not ever want to become or hope I never was. But sometimes I find myself, often in fact, thinking that I really do not want to work with her. Since she is an attorney who works in the same areas as me, and I am a paralegal, this is not an option right now. But more and more I just find myself dissappointed and disgruntled in situations where she is involved. I am trying to look deeper at the why of it and find what it is about me that I can change to help me cope with this. I got out yesterday and bought my second copy of Passing For Thin since I never got the first copy back from loaning it out. I read almost all of it yesterday. Now I want to find myself a Group to belong to. There are not any close to me except for weekday meetings that I cannot attend due to work. But there are a couple of evening ones that are not terribly far away. I just want a group to show up at, maybe even the TOPS group where I used to weigh in on Tuesdays but I was really wanting the 12 step group type.

still sick

I think I am getting better but I am not well yet. Yesterday I bought another copy of Passing For Thin. I read almost all of it last night. There is just something about it that really helps me. It also makes me really want to go join a Group in my area. There are not any in my immediate area but I could go somewhere within 25 miles I think, maybe. I have looked sometimes. And tried a meeting close to where I used to work but that one did not work out so well. Barely any people showed up and the person I got to sponsor me hung up on me one morning and I later found out she relapsed. I guess the whole thing made me feel kind of weird. I feel lousy this morning. I had cereal for breakfast. And my stomach is reacting. I wish I had not bothered. Food is becoming an even bigger enemy.

Sick

Yesterday morning I woke up with sharp pains in my stomach. I thought it was my body punishing me for not sticking to my plan the day before. But it developed into fluish feelings and miserable aches, etc. the rest of the day. Being sick makes normal people lose weight. But being sick makes me want ice cream. What is wrong with me???? I am still feeling lousy today but went to work. Hopefully this won't last long - I will try and get as much rest as possible and make it go away.

late night inspirations

Today ended up sucking. It started with a deviation - I thought (to my demise) a whole grain bagel would be a good thing to have with lunch. It only led to feeling bloated, and wanting more. And more deviation. That's what happens. How many times do I have to learn it? Well, however many it takes. I was laying in bed hashing over it in my head (not staying in the now, but staying in the mistake)and I remembered how I first got the new inspiration last summer, in mid-July, to change. It came to me by reading Frances Kuffel's book Passing For Thin. And then seeing her blog on Amazon, and also getting to the Angry Fat Girlz blog. I loaned out the book, and I have now decided I am getting another copy.

I got out of bed and went to the Kuffel blog on Amazon and read. I copied and printed out one of my favorites - in late August I think, about what to do after getting loose with food, and deviating. It really helps. I do have a solution and I am not giving up, but more and more I believe that somehow I may not be able to do this at all, so many tries and so many failures. That is only part true, I can't do it alone. Without the resources of other people and power(s) greater than me.

Morning meditations

My morning meditation reading included this statement:

"He who conquers himself is greater than he who conquers an entire city"

It also said:

"I have finally realized the great fact that all I have is now. This sweeps away all vain regret and it makes my thoughts of the future free of fear. Now is mine. I can do what I want with it."

I really like those quotes. The first one reminds me that I am the biggest problem I have right now. And the good news is, I can change. The second quote reminds me to stay in the here and now, and not be focused on what I may have done wrong last week, or even yesterday. And I don't have to project fearful worries about the future (something I seem to be prone to lately) because a solid right now, helps make a better future anyway. So today I am going to make a conscious effort to stay in the moment, focusing on what I am doing right now.

Right now my stomach is growling because I have not had breakfast yet. But for someone like me a growling stomach is a wonderful thing. It means I have waited to eat until I got hungry, for one thing. Right now I am making the choice to have a high protein low fat breakfast that I brought with me. I am prepared for the day. I feel pretty good right now, just a wee bit tired from staying up a little later to watch the baseball game last night. Today stretches out in front of me like a vast new opportunity. It's a rainy day, so it’s a nice day to be inside working. I like my new office and for today I am going to take notice of the things I like about my job rather than the things I don't.

I really appreciate people checking in on me, it makes me feel connected. And for someone prone to isolation, it is important to make and keep connections. In fact, right now I am making that a new goal: making and keeping connections with people. I like that.

Day Two - Back to the basics

Yesterday went really well and I even went to the gym. A true miracle for me lately. Luckily today I did not forget my food for work so I was able to have my breakfast and lunch as planned. I am really tired today but not tempted by the cookies and candies sitting out at the counter by the printer. I love times like this when I am not even feeling tempted. I feel like I had a narrow escape. I still fit my smaller jeans. The scale went back down a little today. And fresh veggies, lean meat, fruit and whole oats look really good to me. There is a secure feeling I get when I stick to the basics.

Honesty

Here is part of my daily meditation for today:

"I have learned how to be honest. What a relief! No more ducking or dodging. No more tall tales. No more pretending to be what I am not. My cards are on the table for the entire world to see. "I am what I am," as Popeye used to say in the comics. I have had an unsavory past. I am sorry, yet. But it cannot be changed now. All that is yesterday and is done. But now my life is an open book. Come and look at it, if you want to. I'm trying to do the best I can. I will fail often, but I won't make excuses. I will face things as they are and not run away. Am I really honest?"

To be honest, the reason I stopped blogging for weeks was because I was was flailing in my efforts to maintain food sanity. I was at the point where I was in July before I started where I just could not maintain anything anymore. It starts with little things, and I am dishonest about them, and then it goes from there.

Yesterday is done. But today is quite hopeful. Even though I forgot my prepared breakfast and lunch, and left it on the counter I made it a point to leave the office go get a salad with chicken breast for lunch instead of the vending machine, or the icky salty soup someone offered me, or the cookies sitting around and of course the stupid Halloween candy that sits in a basket.

I think I scared myself straight for now, the scale started to creep up and I looked in the mirror. Reality. Hard to dodge at my house but sometimes I still try. Anyway I am out of hiding. I need support groups and stuff, I just can't do these life changes alone.