Compliments

Today at work three people complimented me on my weight loss. It was especially nice since I am not really losing much lately - just not gaining it back, and hoping to pick up with more loss soon. But it made me stop and think that keeping it off is at least half of the success in this project. I am losing slowly but it is staying off. I have about a two pound fluctuation now, instead of a five or ten pound fluctuation. I eat less. I eat regularly. I don't eat in the middle of the night and I no longer snack all evening long. These things I do now on a regular basis. And most of the time it is not a strugge. I drink lots of water.

Another nice thing is that I no longer talk about being fat. I don't whine about it to my daughter anymore and it is rarely even on my mind. I still have more weight to lose and I am aware of that always, but I no longer beat myself up about it because I trust that I will continue to lose.

One challenge right now is that I do not have many things to wear but I can live with that for a while. Most things are baggy but I am not ready to invest in a new wardrobe. I cannot afford it and I have twenty more pounds to lose. I think I will take the suggestion of going to the second hand store the next time I buy clothes.

When people notice I have lost, and mention it, I am even more motivated to keep it off and to keep on going. I feel more accountable. When I was losing and gaining the same ten pounds or so, no one really knew what was going on and I could easily eat back what I lost without feeling accountable. Now I feel like I may be an example to someone who desperately wants to lose, but has lost the hope just like I felt for the past several years.

These things keep me going.

And the blogging, it has made the difference. I say it over and over, it has kept me going since July. And I really appreciate everybody.

Another week of anxiety has passed. I am now enjoying some calm in the decision that I have made to lease my house while leasing the spacious patio home as I now call it. I had my prospective buyer/tenant over again and after she left I felt a huge sense of relief. I feel good about the agreement I have put together for us. She appears really excited about moving into my house. And once she signs my lease/option I will go ahead with signing my agreement with Bob, the owner of my spacious patio home. And I am now beginning to get excited about it all. Helping a single mom like myself eventually buy her first home makes me feel better about the whole situation. I just like that idea. Even though the house did not work out like I planned for us, it will make a really nice home for someone else.

As for my new place I will be paying more than I pay here, but I am getting so much more, and the idea of living there to me is dreamy. I will have a huge bedroom with my own bathroom, and a big walk-in closet. The bedroom is big enough for my office and my bedroom furniture and room to spare for exercise. And the spare room that he made into a library/study is perfect for me and all my books and musical instruments. It can be a guest bed and library/music room all in one. And closets, everywhere. And a fireplace downstairs in a little sitting area across from the kitchen. And a great kitchen, too., with a little island to pull stools up to for breakfast for the kids. I visualize us safely tucked away there, growing and thriving successfully on with our lives.

Bob, the owner, has been really great so far. Each time I talk to him it just gets better. He even hid me a key so I could go check things out any time I wanted this past week. He is an airline pilot so he is gone some of the time. Talking to him today was funny, his voice coming through my cell phone reminded me of the announcements that the pilots make, as if he were telling me my altitude and that we were now making our descent. Instead he was gently explaining about some things he needed to do to the place and how we would find things that needed to be taken care of, and how he'd hire a professional cleaning company to clean the place, and so on. Very reassuring. What a class act, I thought. And a landlord who likes animals, did I mention he said maybe I could drop the dog off some time? Could I have found a landlord and a pet sitter?
Who knows.

If this divine transaction takes place it will be by March 1st and then we will move in the last week of March. I have a feeling of impending success waiting there. I cannot explain it but when I visualize living there I feel that in that home, I can realize some of my ambitions and ideas, grow creatively, and I even get that wild feeling that anything is possible. I have not had that feeling in a very long time. Maybe, the woman who is moving into my house, will have or could already be having these feelings about her move. It is one of those events that seems handcrafted by the Master. I honestly felt that Bob, the owner, and Vanessa, my replacement in this house, literally fell from the sky. First, the patio home with its little sign in the window and my half hearted phone call to Bob resulting in my falling for the condo and the idea of leasing again. And then, after my good friend told me that if the patio home deal was the right thing, someone would appear that wanted my house. And then came Vanessa. I love these kinds of things.

More will be revealed. If it doesn't work out I know there is an even better plan for me.

Breaking my Plateau

Finally I have lost an additional pound. I am now down 20 pounds from July 15, 2006 when I started this journey. I think this last pound came off from stress alone. But it is a milestone for me and incentive to try even harder now. My life seems really stressful now, mostly with the added stress of trying to sell or lease my house, and also simultaneously trying to find a new living situation. I want to get past this stage of my life and move to a place I will never want to leave! I know that is hard to predict but I have found one spot that I really like. I am considering a long term lease instead of buying. For one thing, I can't afford to buy it, and for another, I won't have to maintain the property - I can just call Bob, the owner. I call it the Barbie Dream House right now. It is a pretty condo property, called a "patio home" not sure why. It is in a wooded area, a place with mature trees, set in a private complex, all residential, mostly owner occupied. It is on the end of its street. and has one other home attached. It has a two car garage, a privacy fenced yard, just big enough for my flower growing and the dog. It is almost at the end of the development. It has a lot of space, even an extra bedroom converted to a library. To me it looks like luxury living. But I am going for a second look, and still considering my options.

My ex-landlord referred someone to me before I even put my house on the market. She came yesterday and loved my house. I love my house, too, so that was nice. I am considering a lease option for her, and referred her to my mortgage broker. Everything has to work financially for me, and with the least amount of risk. Frankly I breath a sigh of relief when I think of leasing instead of buying for me, and even a lease instead of sale for my property right now. I guess I am not in the mood for real estate sales transactions yet, and it would give me time to get some eequity in my house before selling. I am so sick of thinking about all these things I can hardly stand it. So what do I do? I play Monopoly with my grandson last night, and its all about buying real estate!!

So maybe things will settle soon about my future, maybe I will lease the Barbie Dream House. Maybe my house will become someone else's dream house. And I can get on with the new phase of my life.

I consider this last pound off a gift from God. I did nothing to take it off. I am hugely grateful for it. And I will show my gratitude by eating healthy and exercising today!!

AWOL report

I have been stressing and obsessing on where we are going to live and how I am going to accomplish it. I have been lax in food and afraid to weigh, thinking I have been gaining. But to the contrary, when I "turned myself in" and weighed. I had lost a pound. So I am back and 176 but still need to lose another pound to be even with where I was before I gained two!! But it is still so much better than the old days. Gains were 5-10 pounds. I did go to the gym over the weekend.

I need to get myself out of the stressing/obsessing mode. I am having trouble keeping my focus at work and I hate this feeling. What happened to meditation? Yikes, all I do right now is meditate on real estate listings and dollar figures and flaws in my house that make me think it won't sell.

I have looked at condos, and even rental property. I found a beautiful rental that would give us loads of space in a fantastic area that I could never afford to buy in. The owner was really nice and fine with all our pets. The price was a little bit more than I hoped to pay but it equaled what I would be paying if I bought a property not nearly as nice. I liked the idea of being able to call someone if things needed fixing.

I found a real estate agency that would charge me an affordable fee to do the paper work and closing once I find a buyer for mine. So that was a relief.

This not knowing how things will work out is putting me on edge. I need to step back and calm myself. Luckily I am not overeating, but I long for my peace and stability.

It was good, though, to get on the scale and see where I am instead of thinking I was gaining and living in fear of scale.

I just need to calm down. Little things are happening, like the dog tripped on the laptop cord and pulled it down, bending it so now the power plug has to be replaced. I ordered one but hope I did no further damage by forcing the bent plug into the hole for a few days. Then, I dropped my cell phone in the dishwater. Luckily the phone still works but the display does not. So I can make calls but cannot see any info on the screen. That will have to be replaced but it can be put off a little while.

I have things in disarray in the house, moving stuff out, not having enough boxes to pack things in, and having things spread all over my bed in my room. I must take some time to organize so I FEEL organized. This edgey feeling had got to go.

Help.

The return of Slippers

Wednesday night at bedtime when I was sitting with my grandson, we heard meowing. I asked my daughter if it was our cat, Simon, who I could see across the hall in her room. It was not Simon. We all ran downstairs to see where the meowing was coming from. I opened the front door and there was Slippers, the missing cat with her face in the window looking in. When I opened the door she drew back and I was afraid she would run, having been out there for 18 days, she looked a little freaked out. So we coaxed her in by standing back and rattling the food bag, saying her name. She ran in at the sound of the food bag. Much rejoicing followed. It was amazing to have her just show up after being missing for going on three weeks in the coldest part of winter. She was skinny, and we imagined that her fat had kept her alive, literally. She is declawed and has always been a house cat. We still have no idea how she got out, except that she must have slipped out the door without being noticed. She has lost all of her body fat, and we estimate she lost about 3 or 4 pounds.

Our spirits have been lifted. In a time when we have not had much good news, it renewed our faith in the idea that good things can and do happen every day. We still look at her in amazement because we were beginning to think we would never see her again. It is a happy story to tell. And we need more happy stories right now.

I won't officially weigh in until tomorrow but it is not looking good - I know I have not lost, I just hope I have not gained any more than the two pounds I gained in the past two weeks.

Today I am scared straight about my eating. I thought I'd take off that little gain and move forward but instead I have done nothing really in the effort to lose. In fact, I have been eating more in the evening which a path to my demise. I need to confront this behavior now. My menu planning will include meals for me, when what the kids are having involves pasta or something else that is not on my safe list. I have been slacking and the evidence is in.

I will remain accountable and record my weight tomorrow. For today, I am drinking lots of water and sticking to a plan.

Cold Bitter Winter

January was a harsh, cold, bitter month for me. It holds the memory of loss and hurt and disappointment, and struggle. At times I feel the world is as cold and bitter as the weather outside. Maybe it is best to have tragedies in the cold, so the warmer times like springtime are not marred with the memories. This morning my son called with disappointing news and I knew how hurt and sad he was, and I could not do anything to change it. More cold, harsh realities. I was feeling so sad.

But there are warm bright places, too. One bright spot in my life this year is weight loss. The victory in that personal struggle that has gone on for years gives me much hope, and optimism. I bought new jeans over the weekend because all the others are baggy. I wanted one pair of snug fitting pants. I found a pair of levi's in a 12. I am now safely in the 12 and out of anything that can be a plus size. These are little things I think about to measure my progress when the scale is not my friend. My stomach pooched out over the waist and is somewhat of a blob of goo right now, but that did not bother me much. There are exercises and workouts for that. And I can enjoy doing them.

I also had a warm, cozy weekend staying in and cooking healthy foods for the kids. I was sick so I got as much rest as I could. Leaving major tasks for when I am feeling better. It was a very calm weekend and it was good for the kids to be able to relax.

For today I will focus on the bright places. And on the things I can change. I can eat healthy meals and take good care of myself and the two kids living with me today. I can get some exercise and rest. I can drink lots of water. I can continue to maintain my weight loss and move forward with even more loss.

The best way for me to pull myself up is to find what is good in my life and have gratitude for it. And I can always find many things to be grateful for.

Thankful for Friday

I can't remember when I have been so happy for Friday to be here at last. I am always glad for Friday but this morning when I was getting the kids up I had a new appreciation for it, knowing that tomorrow we can sleep in a little bit. Two weeks since my life changing event and the end of the first week of the new morning routine, I am ready for some additional rest. My eating has not been too bad but there won't be a loss this week. And there could be a slight gain but nothing much. I am trying to have as many healthy and compliant meals as possible. Last night my sister arrived from California, and wanted to meet us at her favorite St. Louis "junk food" place. I ordered chili, and a side salad, but had some fries and onion rings shared by others. It could have been worse, but it could have been much better.

I am not feeling as stressed. At least one day this week I got up and excercised. I REALLY need to get back to the gym. I am hoping maybe on Saturday morning I can sneak over for a while. It will feel really good. I am considering signing my grandson up for the kid program if he is open to it. So then I can bring him and work out while he does his training. It is a bit pricey but well worth it if he will participate on a regular basis. My daughter trailed off after a few weeks and I ended up paying for something she did not use and then cancelling, but I am willing to give him a shot at it.

A lady at work called me skinny today. Stuff like that seems to happen when I am feeling like I am gaining, so it is nice to have someone remind me that my loss is still there, and significant enough to be noticed by others. I needed that today. My sister also said I looked really nice last night, a couple of times. Since I feel like a frazzled person lately, compliments are great. Maybe I don't look as frazzled as I feel.

I did increase my veggies as suggested by Vickie - I made a big batch of slaw - reduced fat and calorie version. It lasted a couple of days. I am looking forward to going to the produce store and stocking up on veggies for the week to come, and being more prepared. I am still not consistently preparing a lunch for work. I may buy some frozen low calorie stuff to bring with me next week. Being prepared always gets me losing again. I also took Grumpy's suggestion on the oatmeal, and cottage cheese - which I love with various fruits. Those are my new comfort foods. Much better than the cartons of ice cream or the three bags of microwave popcorn of the old days.

Sleep is my goal for the next couple of days. Sleep, exercise and stable diet. Basics. Making sure I take care of myself, as suggested by Lori. Thanks everybody for all the suggestions!