HAPPY HALLOWEEN

And, yes, it is a happy one. I look back on last year's Halloween struggles and see so much progress. I am at least twenty pounds lighter than last year at Halloween. It is hard to believe, and so amazing. Last year I stayed home alone with the candy bowl and felt defeated and scared when I ate much of it's contents. It was a turning point for me though, because I took action the next day and went to a support group. This year, the kids have plans. I am sticking the candy bowl outside on the porch and most likely going either to the gym, or to a Group. I may do some house cleaning first. I may do a variety of things, but the point is I am going to do SOMETHING. Something other than laying on the couch with the candy bowl.

The theme for me this week is counting my blessings. I have not gotten around to the list of things to celebrate yet but it is still on my mind. Turning things around. Seeing the good and the progress and the lessons learned. Forget the candy bowl, there is so much more to see and feel and experience. I no longer cut myself off from the world and hide behind my fortress of fat. And that is what it is and was. A fortress. A physical representation of the Wall. The Wall I built to hide behind, protect myself, and isolate within. The Wall has been coming down, the psychological, the spiritual and the physical Wall. Layers are peeling off, sometimes slowly and at other times swiftly. But it is coming down. Bit by bit.

So that's today's celebration. Bringing down the Wall.

Optimistic Monday

I managed well over the weekend in spite of Halloween Candy. The evil Halloween Candy. I bought it and put it in the closet but I have visited the closet. The pieces are small, but I need to just stop.

The scale went down more, significantly. So I am holding on to that progress and using it against the evil Halloween Candy. I am in the low 160's now, dangerously close to the 150's which I'd like to see before the holidays if at all possible. It looks like two more pounds came off after weigh in and I want to keep them off so they show up on weigh-in day. It helps to have the weekly weigh-in to look forward to, or to loom over me, whichever way I look at it, I get motivation.

I feel like nesting again. I want to do a little decorating, and clean the clutter in my room. I get comfortable in my own mess, sort of like being cozy in my pudge. I think there is relationship but I am not up to pondering the details.

I have been riding a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. I get weepy at times, but I am taking comfort in my tears. It does not bother me to cry, I feel relief. I am still tired, but feeling better. It is dawning on me more and more that I have been through a lot this year. Good things, not so good things, overwhelming things but it has been an amazing adventure.

I feel like celebrating big time at some point. Celebrating all the things that have happened, all the victories big and small. There have been many. Perhaps I will start a list. There's the transition from having one middle schooler in the household to having two. There's the leasing out of my house and the moving to the spacious condo. There's that nasty little relationship that I emerged from with new wisdom. And more. We could all tally our victories, big and small. I will start today, in my brand new little hard cover blank journal I bought recently. It is red, with a little heart on the cover. I bought it for my positive thought journal. I finished my old one. In the Summer of 2005 I bought that journal for writing positive thoughts and meditations. For journaling gratitude and spiritual stuff. It worked out nicely for me so I bought a new one.

Anyway, for today I am glad to be alive and back on track with eating less and thinking positive. Forget the silly evil Halloween Candy. I refuse to be defeated.

Week One Results

It is the end of my first official week. Weigh in at the 1 p.m. meeting showed 1.8 pounds lost. Weigh in at home in the a.m. was a good two pounds. I did not religiously follow the program but I did calculate points almost every day. I also have several mini meals that I have developed and calculated point values so I can revert to them in a pinch. One thing I have stopped doing is adding calories. That is obsessive behavior for me. It was hard to cut loose of it and just look at points but I am there now. I am happy with my results. If I am a little more diligent, it will get even better, right?

My back still has it's aches and pains but I am better. I have felt extremely tired this week, and there is no wonder. Over the weekend I took a look at the past year up to now and all the many things that have taken place. Of course I'm tired. It has been overwhelming at times. But I managed to continue to lose and maintain weight loss, that is miraculous! I am encouraged by that fact each time I think of it. I have been resting more in the evening, and I am taking tomorrow afternoon off. I am looking at ways to give myself a break. I need it. I am only one person and I realize I have expected so much more from myself than I would expect from anyone else. So I am soothing myself now, not with food like I used to but with rest, good friends, kind thoughts, spiritual readings, and other forms of encouragement.

The car had a little glitch but it turned out in my favor. It's check engine light came on the day after I bought it, so they told me to bring it in. To make a long story short, I had to take it to a Mazda dealer since I bought it from a Toyota dealer, but the Toyota dealer paid the bill, and it ended up to be $870.00 for a new catalytic converter. Ah, the car stuff. I learn so much. Emissions. State laws. All in my favor. So as a bonus, I got free diagnostic testing from the Mazda dealer, an impartial third party, who said the car is in sound shape and needs no other work. How nice. It's a Mazda Protege from 2001. It is a rich, dark green color, attempts to be sporty looking, but mostly it's a cute little four door sedan. Just right for me. It has a "moon" roof and a stereo with a CD player - a couple of features that my old car did not have. And of course, air conditioning...if I want the sauna effect next year I can just turn it off. It is nice to have a choice.

I love the cooling down of the season. I am getting out my cozy sweaters. And buying a few new items. I want boots. I am hoping this winter my calves will be small enough to wear the boots I wanted a couple of years ago. I was mortified that my calves would not squeeze into them, not to mention that if they did, flesh came spilling out over the top and it just was not the look I was going for. I have been afraid to try any on since then. I want some tall boots, and perhaps some good old pointy toed western style boots. I just love boots. And all things warm and cozy.

So, warm and cozy is my thought for the day. Warm feelings of affection for all my buddies. I feel like snuggling up with a good movie or book. I am going to seek out comfort. And I am going to get some rest!

Return to Sanity

I bought a car yesterday and I feel like I can have my life back now. The all consuming quest is over and I can concentrate again. I love my little car. It is cute, clean, and fun to drive. My weight is going slowly down again. I feel stabilized. My first weigh in will be at one o'clock this afternoon. Then I will start over with the points counting. I have not been paying attention to points during my quest for the car. I ate less. I always do when I have an obsession like that. Hmmm, maybe I can find a daily obsession to keep me from food. A low stress, enjoyable one.

My spine ached last night. Yesterday was a long day. I am still on light activity. I will start taking walks again tonight hopefully. And bike rides. I feel better. I am on my way to taking off more pounds and breaking through. I have been stuck for just a while. But stuck is okay so long as I don't gain it all back. I would prefer a two pound fluctuation to a five pound like I just had. But a five pound fluctuation is still far better than a ten or twenty. And I am paying attention to the scale and to what I eat. I feel good today.

I have peace of mind again. Searching for a car kept me in an anxious state. I kept wishing I could make it fun. And I did have some fun test driving cars. I loved it when these guys just handed me the keys and let me take off. In fact, I may have done more of it but I was sick of the big question mark hanging over my head and the uncertainty of it all. I did plenty of research and drove each type of car that interested me so I believe I made an informed choice. Plus I learned that good used cars, like good houses, at fair prices (and even unfair prices) sell fast. So when I found this one, I took it and did not dilly dally around. I also went with my instincts. One car I drove yesterday made me cry. So that one was definitely out. I felt uneasy about several others. The car I bought made me feel excited and happy, and relieved.

I am no longer craving food non-stop. I may never unlock the mystery of that, but I am grateful. I suspect the hormones. I want to see an expert on hormones. And I will get to that soon. Right now I want to see where my body is on its own.

I am ready to focus on trying the WW way, with the tracking and point counting. My first official weigh in will mark the beginning.

For now, I am going to bask in the peace I have this morning.

More will be revealed.

Quickie Update

Last week is a bit of a blurr. But happily the scale read 167 today, so I am losing the five I gained on the hormones, which I have now stopped. My back is hurting off and on, not as much as last week. I got somewhat depressed last week taking muscle relaxers and laying around. I tried to post a couple of times but got disgusted with what I was writing. I feel like my eating is stabilizing, though and I am ready to tackle the whole weight watcher thing. I have been resting but it bothers me not to exercise like I was. Exercise makes me feel good. Swimming and walking are probably my best bets right now, though. I am going crazy trying to find a car to buy. The insurance company settled with me today on my car which was a total loss. I feel out of sorts much of the time but have enjoyed spending time with friends over the weekend, and have been trying to keep a positive attitude.

Those muscle relaxers messed with my head and made me sleepy. I was all psyched for reading books while I was off, but I was so drowsy that reading made me fall asleep. Rest is good for me but HAVING to rest is another story I suppose. I started feeling isolated and sorry for myself at times. Then, Friday I ventured out of the house and had an accidental run in with that man - who I had not spoken to or seen in over a month. That cropped up all the hurt feelings I thought I'd gotten past. And I found myself waking up in the night thinking about that whole sordid little event. Why am I so sensitive?

Anyhow, I think I will count my blessings - the insurance company gave me way more for my dumpy little worn out car than I thought I'd get. They will also give me some $$ for pain and suffering eventually. I am sure there is a car out there somewhere for me, and it will have air conditioning so next summer I will not be sweating in the sweltering heat while I drive around. I have made two guy friends. I explicitly explained to them that I wanted to be FRIENDS. I am not "attracted" to either of them except for their brains. One of them reads and we discuss spiritual reading material that we both read. The other makes me laugh and we talk about our relationship histories, which are remarkably the same. These guys are intelligent, self supporting with decent jobs, respectful towards me, and I feel I have things in common with them. I don't want romance with either of them. Just some intelligent conversation and companionship. It feels safe and it is nice to have the guy point of view. I will get a fat paycheck Friday with 19 hours of overtime on it from that trip I took. Seems a million years ago. And, I am not craving food 24/7 like I was for a solid month or so on the hormones.

So, thank goodness for gratitude. I want to gush gratitude. I am not exactly gushing yet but I am working on it. I feel like a lamb going to the slaughter as I look and inquire about used cars. EEEK is all I can say. I do like shopping but I want a pretty car, and the pretty ones cost more.

I quit taking the muscle relaxers, they made my mind all squishy and I need all the presence of mind I can muster. My first weigh in is Thursday. We will see how that goes. Until then I will try and tally points and such...

Thanks everybody for all your nice comments. It means a lot to me to have such nice buddies. Every time I got online to try and post and blog I just couldn't seem to get it together. I feel somewhat normal today, though, in my own slightly abnormal way.

Running from Cake

After an exhausting trip, on my way home from the airport, I was struck by an SUV in my little Toyota. I was already in an altered state having been going non-stop from early morning until late at night every day. So the accident only added to the out of sorts feeling. It was Friday night so luckily I had the weekend ahead of me to recuperate. I felt sad and anxious off and on all weekend. My daughter and I had a junk food festival late Saturday night watching TV together, and then on Sunday (or maybe Saturday) I baked her a cake. I spent Sunday "running from cake" in that I was drawn to it constantly so I kept doing things to get me away from it. It amazed me how powerful a simple thing like a cake could be. It irritates me that I am overpowered by food at times. Addicted, compelled, obsessed, whatever terms apply.

It was a week of being presented with food. I made many good choices and I also made some conscious decisions to indulge. Overall I felt it went fairly well but I am still toting around those pounds I gained back sometime in September. I am scrapping the hormones. Since taking them I have felt more of the old compulsions and cravings. Constant compulsions. It is alarming and I don't want it. So I am giving up the hormones the doctor prescribed. I may try something else later but not now. Not while I still have twenty pounds to go. I am determined to get through this weight watcher deal. I am officially starting this week. Everyone else weighed in and started while I was gone on my trip.

The cake is still at home. I want to peacefully co-exist with it. I want to ignore it until it goes away. My back and neck hurt from the accident. I rode my bike this morning and that is when I began to feel the pain. Last week on Tuesday we did community service as a bonding experience. I was on the mulch team. We wheelbarrowed and shoveled mulch, going up and down hills into the woods to mulch a trail. We did it for three hours straight. It was a fantastic workout. I did that and was not sore. So this pain I feel today has to be from that accident. If I could bungee down 183 feet and not be sore, this accident must have lurched me enough to cause injury. I don't want to give up all my new found activities but I may have to take it kind of easy for a while. I can swim, and walk and continue to bike ride, but I am going to feel some pain.

This feeling of helplessness after the accident, this feeling of wanting someone to take care of me is haunting. I am on the verge of tears often. I don't mind, though. A good cry will relax and comfort me when it comes. Feeling helpless is a precursor to letting go and surrendering to things. It also brings me closer to people, and closer to a faith. I feel like I can relax and go with the flow of things. Whatever happens will happen. I give up, in good way. I will not only survive, but thrive. And that cake I have been running from, has lost some of it's power already.

Pre-Ohio Anxiety Revisited

I have been stressing (mildly, compared to my usual) before my trip. Ohio, again. Tomorrow I take off at 6:35 a.m. Our big legal conference all together in one spot, the lawyers and paralegals that work all over the globe for our company. We have community service on Tuesday afternoon working outside. I think it is yard work. We have breakfasts, dinners and cocktail hours. It is social. It is professional development. It is food. It is leaving my kids for four days during a school week. It is having someone else stay at the house in charge of kids and pets. It is getting myself and them all ready for this deal. It is stress and at times stress still = food. I have been bike riding, and also had one great workout at the gym on Saturday morning. I have been to my support groups and talked to my pals. I am doing all my good stuff. But boy do I have an appetite.

I try to eat high fiber, low fat, good old healthy stuff, but I had a pop tart run-in at midnight on Saturday night. I decided to start my WW points with the rest of the group at work, after my trip ends. That does not mean I am going to eat all crazy in Ohio. No way. I am going to try and stick with core plan foods. I have no idea what they are serving but normally there are healthy choices. I am hoping that I will get back to my 165 or 166 for my initial weigh-in. I am up three pounds and mildly pissed about it. I know why. It is not water. It is food. I kept track and I know exactly what happened and where and when it did. I like knowing but I don't like the feeling of being out of control. Even if out of control today is much better than the out of control of yesterdays.

I want to go easy on myself. The danger of entering into a tracking, measuring, and counting program is that I get that all or nothing thinking. And if I fail one day I take it too hard and get into a cycle of loving myself only if I perform well on the daily regimen and then hating and fearing myself when I don't. I want to look at this WW as a tool. A tool to use to learn what makes up a healthy food plan that I can use to live on. I want to use it to change my habits a little more and get some additional discipline. I want to use it for some additional accountability and some in person bonding with other people trying to lose. I DO NOT want to use it to beat myself up as I have done in the past with other programs.

I love trips, no matter where I go. I love hotels, airplanes, train stations, and so on. I get totally out of my routine thinking. Anything can happen. Anyone can show up. Maybe I will get so distracted I will forget about food and my recent increase in appetite. And that annoying few pounds. I need a break. I need an interruption. This trip can do that. Even though it is for my job, I don't consider it work. But since it is work related, it's all paid for by someone else! All I have to do is show up. I barely have to think My other Ohio trips proved to have a positive impact. I am going into this one with the idea that anything is possible. You gotta love positive thinking, right??

P.S. I have now taken to song writing. While playing with my guitar last night I came up with a haunting little tune for my post relationship poem. Yes, for some reason most of my affairs get at least one small poem. Some only a limerick. This one got an uplifting little piece I have not finished yet, but rather like. And I love adding music. I can get more mood or emotion expressed with chords on a guitar. More drama, and we must have drama, right? Notice I say "playing with" and not "playing" my guitar. I don't consider myself much of a musician but I have managed to get along pretty good with this little guitar my brother passed on to me. It pleases me to play. I also have a bass I play with as well.

More will be revealed.