Running from Cake
After an exhausting trip, on my way home from the airport, I was struck by an SUV in my little Toyota. I was already in an altered state having been going non-stop from early morning until late at night every day. So the accident only added to the out of sorts feeling. It was Friday night so luckily I had the weekend ahead of me to recuperate. I felt sad and anxious off and on all weekend. My daughter and I had a junk food festival late Saturday night watching TV together, and then on Sunday (or maybe Saturday) I baked her a cake. I spent Sunday "running from cake" in that I was drawn to it constantly so I kept doing things to get me away from it. It amazed me how powerful a simple thing like a cake could be. It irritates me that I am overpowered by food at times. Addicted, compelled, obsessed, whatever terms apply.
It was a week of being presented with food. I made many good choices and I also made some conscious decisions to indulge. Overall I felt it went fairly well but I am still toting around those pounds I gained back sometime in September. I am scrapping the hormones. Since taking them I have felt more of the old compulsions and cravings. Constant compulsions. It is alarming and I don't want it. So I am giving up the hormones the doctor prescribed. I may try something else later but not now. Not while I still have twenty pounds to go. I am determined to get through this weight watcher deal. I am officially starting this week. Everyone else weighed in and started while I was gone on my trip.
The cake is still at home. I want to peacefully co-exist with it. I want to ignore it until it goes away. My back and neck hurt from the accident. I rode my bike this morning and that is when I began to feel the pain. Last week on Tuesday we did community service as a bonding experience. I was on the mulch team. We wheelbarrowed and shoveled mulch, going up and down hills into the woods to mulch a trail. We did it for three hours straight. It was a fantastic workout. I did that and was not sore. So this pain I feel today has to be from that accident. If I could bungee down 183 feet and not be sore, this accident must have lurched me enough to cause injury. I don't want to give up all my new found activities but I may have to take it kind of easy for a while. I can swim, and walk and continue to bike ride, but I am going to feel some pain.
This feeling of helplessness after the accident, this feeling of wanting someone to take care of me is haunting. I am on the verge of tears often. I don't mind, though. A good cry will relax and comfort me when it comes. Feeling helpless is a precursor to letting go and surrendering to things. It also brings me closer to people, and closer to a faith. I feel like I can relax and go with the flow of things. Whatever happens will happen. I give up, in good way. I will not only survive, but thrive. And that cake I have been running from, has lost some of it's power already.
It was a week of being presented with food. I made many good choices and I also made some conscious decisions to indulge. Overall I felt it went fairly well but I am still toting around those pounds I gained back sometime in September. I am scrapping the hormones. Since taking them I have felt more of the old compulsions and cravings. Constant compulsions. It is alarming and I don't want it. So I am giving up the hormones the doctor prescribed. I may try something else later but not now. Not while I still have twenty pounds to go. I am determined to get through this weight watcher deal. I am officially starting this week. Everyone else weighed in and started while I was gone on my trip.
The cake is still at home. I want to peacefully co-exist with it. I want to ignore it until it goes away. My back and neck hurt from the accident. I rode my bike this morning and that is when I began to feel the pain. Last week on Tuesday we did community service as a bonding experience. I was on the mulch team. We wheelbarrowed and shoveled mulch, going up and down hills into the woods to mulch a trail. We did it for three hours straight. It was a fantastic workout. I did that and was not sore. So this pain I feel today has to be from that accident. If I could bungee down 183 feet and not be sore, this accident must have lurched me enough to cause injury. I don't want to give up all my new found activities but I may have to take it kind of easy for a while. I can swim, and walk and continue to bike ride, but I am going to feel some pain.
This feeling of helplessness after the accident, this feeling of wanting someone to take care of me is haunting. I am on the verge of tears often. I don't mind, though. A good cry will relax and comfort me when it comes. Feeling helpless is a precursor to letting go and surrendering to things. It also brings me closer to people, and closer to a faith. I feel like I can relax and go with the flow of things. Whatever happens will happen. I give up, in good way. I will not only survive, but thrive. And that cake I have been running from, has lost some of it's power already.
posted by Cindy at
10:41 AM
6 Comments:
you can put the cake "on ice" in the freezer and see if that helps - maybe out of sight. You can do my trick of cutting it into pieces and assigning each piece to someone (daughter, grandson, neighbor, etc) so that there are none left over for you. If you are verbal to someone else about the assigning - it usually helps.
Was your car totaled? Much damage? Glad that you weren't TOO HURT. Stretching will help to keep muscles loose.
Glad you are back - missed you all last week.
Oh Cindy, I hope you are okay. You know, I'm not saying you should eat cake -- but I am saying that you had an accident which has to be scary. Of course, it makes sense to seek comfort with our old friend, Mr. Food.
I hope you go to the doctor and get a check up and see how you are physically. I can understand perfectly well how you have these feelings of wanting to be cared for and protected. I'm glad you're okay.
So sorry about your car accident. I hope you don't have whiplash.
I had cake on Thursday night. The smallest damn piece, so thin and delicate, but good. Even better, I had no regrets the next morning.
Cindy...I'm so sorry about your accident. I hope you feel better by now. That kind of thing is always such a shock. I'm with Vickie on the cake...if I freeze things, I'm much less likely to nosh on them.
Good for you for not eating the cake. I would expect the cake to "protect" me.
I too am GRATEFUL you were not hurt. How is your car?
Are you doing okay? I have been hit twice - rear ended both times and I know how much pain I was in both times. I thought about you all week. Post if you have a minute and can share how things were going. I wondered all weekend if it was your visiting weekend and you had to drive/sit after your wreck. Please consider waiting a LONG while before you sign off on insurance . . .
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home