Thursday is almost Friday

I am still making better choices in food, but probably not better enough to lose any weight. But enough to perhaps not gain. I feel like I have been on this plateau for a long, long time. This plateau, however, is much better than where I was even year ago. I think I am about ten pounds down from then, and a whole thirty something down from the year before, and a total of 44 down from 2005. I need to remind myself of that when I start feeling frustrated. I look at old blog entries and celebrate progress.

I'd still like to get to 155 and see what that is like. It's a mere 5-7 pounds away. A couple of weeks on a good food plan would take those off and then I could see if that's where I want to stay. I've been feeling sickish this week and have not been to the gym. I am going to go for a while this afternoon. I moved brother's things on Tuesday night with the help of ManFriend and my buddy Joe. It went pretty easy. I helped and it made my shoulder and back sore.

I feel I am having some sort of relationship moment with ManFriend. I want to have a talk with him about a situation that involves an ex girlfriend of his. In this conversation will be questions about what our relationship is. I need to do for myself, so I decide how to proceed in this relationship. It is a little scary for me. I am afraid of what I might find out and feel like a wimp. I was really hurt by the situation I got in last summer, and that guy was miserable. I actually respect this one and share many things with him already. I feel strong enough and worthy enough to ask the things I want to ask. Depending on how it goes, I could be backing off of the relationship a little. You know what, though, it's honestly not that scary after all. I feel secure enough with myself and my life to know that my overall happiness and self worth are not dependent on what happens with this man. At least I feel like that most of the time.

I am not wild about fear. It causes all kinds of problems. None of which can be solved by food. Speaking of food the girl scout cookies came today and I ate thin mints, more than enough. But I am satisfied and finished with them. I had my fill. I am going to respond to fear by reading uplifting things, by making positive statements in my head, by looking back at my life and seeing how many things I have overcome, and doing good, healthy things for myself.

I Try a New Vice

I have been toying with the idea of cigar smoking for weeks now. Actually longer. It started when I went to the tobacco shop to buy Manfriend a fine cigar as a Christmas present. The place was fascinating. Full of imported treasures from far away lands. It reminded me of wine, which we all know I gave up long ago. There were dark ones, light ones, long, ones, short ones, even ones dipped in cognac (which of course I cannot have). I've never been a smoker. And since I am living a healthy lifestyle, smoking anything would be a step in the wrong direction. The cigar fantasy continued to haunt my thoughts. I went back a couple of weeks ago to get Manfriend another treat. This time maybe I'd try a puff myself - of his. I did not have the nerve. I kept thinking of how sick I felt the one time I tried to smoke a cigarette when I was 13. I was in bed all afternoon with nausea. I always believed that was a blessing.

Even then I could not shake the subtle obsession. I continued to drift into thoughts of smoking a cigar with Manfriend. After all, I thought, a cigar would be a once in a while delicacy, and of course I would not inhale. Insane little thoughts really. Maybe it seemed exotic or relaxing. Maybe I just wanted a vice that had no calories. I have no idea. But Friday I went back to the tobacco place, bought some paraphernalia, a little leather case to put them in to keep them fresh, a cutter to cut the tip off. Things I did not know existed but were now part of the lure of the impending new habit. I'd have to hide it from the kids, of course (making the idea even more alluring). Perhaps I'd put a recliner in the garage - my den of iniquity. The nice tobacco guy helped me pick a few out for Manfriend and a mild one he recommended for me. So I left, armed with the trappings of a mysterious new cult.

I took until Sunday afternoon to get the nerve to do the deed. Manfriend and I had stopped after church (of all times) at a slightly sleezy cigar selling place where he took me in a little room called a humidor and he picked out yet another exotic cigar. A deep dark shiny big one from far away. We went to his place. He happily puffed his while I watched with fascination. The ritual of cigar smoking is much more complex than I imagined. Finally, I got out mine. He helped light it. There was not much flavor to it, really, but there was something decadent and exciting about the smoking of it. The act of smoking itself. The handling, the rolling of the smoke in my mouth, the playing around with it. The mildly intoxicating aroma. Manfriend looked like an old gangster. I felt like a runaway, hiding out at his place, smoking. I sensed I could get totally lost in all of it and perhaps even a bit unravelled. I could get addicted. Lose myself, etc. I felt reckless. I liked it.

After just a bit of the puffing on the thing it was time to go grocery shopping together. I felt tipsy. Or something. But the shopping was quite fun and I made some rather odd impulse buys. I even had an ice latte while I shopped. Then the phenomenon of craving set in. I needed to go home and cook dinner for the kids and clean a space in the garage for my brother's stuff. At home was a fat Brazilian dark cigar stashed away as a treat for Manfriend. Finding my mild one a bit dull I fantasized about the Brazilian. After all, I had to work in the garage, didn't I? Wasn't that my new smoking lounge? After the kids were fed and happily upstairs doing whatever they were doing, I went out to clean. I took the Brazilian. It was rich, and spicy. I was on a roll. I could barely light the thing or keep it lit but I wanted it.

I took it in the car with me to go to brother's ex-roomie's place. I stopped off for a lighter and breath mints. I tried to smoke the thing in the car with the sun roof open. I felt I was getting in a little deep. I stopped at Manfriend's, and brought my Brazilian in with me. After a couple of puffs I took Manfriend with me to load my car with brother's things. It was uneventful and we hurried back to his place and back to my Brazilian. He lit it for me (takes skill to get the thing going good enough to smoke apparently) and then things really got out of hand. I accidentally inhaled a couple or a few times. I was in too deep. I wanted to melt into a smokey oblivion. I went past euphoria and into nausea. It was some time before I could drive home. Manfriend was watching some violent movie which added to my nausea. Just when I thought I might be recuperating he lit his up again and the smell put me back into the icks. I did not have the heart to tell him to put it out. He kept chuckling at me and asking if I wanted him to call me a cab. After some crackers and bottled water some time later I was able to leave.

I think cigars are not my thing. I hoped I could tolerate them, which is bizarre when I think about it today. Me wanting something unhealthy to make me healthy. In my own sick way I thought they might help me lose weight. Curb my appetite, relax me, and so on. The truth is they'd be bad for me. They'd up my blood pressure, make me stink and stuff. Oh well. I tried.

I am down to 160 today, but it's not the cigar. I resisted extras over the weekend. Even turned Manfriend down for his Sunday morning cinnamon rolls before church. Friday night when we all went out to eat and others had burgers and fries (and shakes and malts) I happily had a cup of soup knowing I'd feel good about it when I weighed myself and when my pants fit better. And I do feel good about it today. Very good. I took grandson rollerskating on Saturday and that was my workout. I'm still doing abs and upper body at home in the morning as well.

More will be revealed.

I love Friday

I love Friday just because it is Friday. I am making this particular Friday my fresh start Friday. I was feeling big and bloated yesterday. I stayed home due to an ice storm and I baked things for the kids. But one batch of botched muffin batter turned scones became my downfall. They were just the right kind of white flour, doughy things that get to me. I had them with apricot jam, I had them plain, I had them with butter. You know the deal. So then I felt like a mountain simply because I ate them. This morning I weighed in and was delighted to see I was 162 which is not that much higher than my lowest weight. The 150's are still escaping me but at least I am in close range of them. The glop of the floury treats may hit later but I am trying to arrest the damage by being prudent today.

I exercised abs and upper body this morning at home. I had yogurt and extra fiber bran for breakfast. I had regular coffee instead of super caffeine frozen frappucino. I packed salmon, spinach and a grapefruit for my food supply at work. And, I am dedicated to a pleasant attitude in spite of anything that could get in my way. I decided last night that this new state of overload at my job may be a permanent condition so there is no use in waiting for it to pass before I can be happy. In fact, there is no use in waiting for any future event to occur in order to be OK. It is nice to look forward to things, but accepting and finding joy in the present state of affairs is crucial for me. Part of losing the 42 pounds I have lost in the past three years was accepting myself the way I am while making improvements, however slow they may be.

So today, with missed deadlines on projects and stacks of work on my desk, I am feeling peace. At any given time in my life there are demands beyond my capabilities. In my personal and professional life. I can only do so much. I cannot be all things to all people. One thing I can do is not make unreasonable demands of myself. Especially when the external demands are high.
Instead, I should increase my level of self care, get extra support, reach out in my friendships and get what I need to deal with life. Hopefully this makes sense. My main goal for today is to accept my present state, my body, my circumstances, my job, and so on, exactly the way it is and find something to rejoice about, no matter what.

I love Friday. I love fresh starts.

Checking in

Last night I drove brother to Mom and Dad's. I did not get back until 12:30 a.m. My eating yesterday was pretty good, except for major infusions of caffiene. I ate the grapefruit, salmon and veggies and pasta that I brought to work and had little time for dinner before I left on my mission. I did nibble some of what I cooked for the kids, pasta with beef and red sauce, but not much. So later on the way home I grabbed a protien bar at a gas station when I was getting yet another dose of caffiene to keep me awake for the rest of the drive. When I got home I had shredded wheat and yogurt. More than one serving, probably.

I want to address the caffiene but not today, not after a taxing night with not so much rest. I will do it tomorrow. I want to address portion size again. It seems to be creeping up. Without keeping track, things can sneak back up. I did not weigh this morning. Did not want to deal with it. The brother situation is tipping the balance into the danger zone so I am not going to bash myself about weight. But I am going to make the concious effort to eat healthy foods and not junk, and at least try to trim the portions where I can. I know I could make a bigger effort on this but right now I want to avoid setting myself up for failure.

For today I am going to focus on my work and not take any extra personal calls that might distract me, like my sister calling me about my brother, or my son's wife calling me about my son. Only the absolutely necessary calls will I take. I want to stay focused on work and let the other stuff be. I did what I felt was a good idea, I removed brother from the roommate situation - and now I need to take care of my own life. I am going to move his stuff. But not today. I don't know what his destiny is but I do know that I can pick my part in it for today. Today I am taking a break to take care of my own stuff. Part of that will be my diet and exercise program so I can take care of my physical health.

Life

I want to gain discipline this year. The thought just came to me that taking time to post more often is a little bit of discipline that goes a long way. Just a few minutes in the morning to help set my day on track. Today I am thinking of how precious life is. In the past couple of weeks two people I know directly and indirectly have had strokes and are in the hospital, two people that manfriend knows have died unexpectedly, and several people are sick and have been for a while. I'm pretty healthy these days and I don't take that for granted. I have an ache or a pain here and there, and I want to lose that last ten pounds or so, but overall I am pretty happy with my physical state. Maybe because it has been so much worse, I appreciate it now.

But larger than that, life seems delicate and precious. We never know what's going to happen, even with careful planning. So today I want to appreciate the life I have. With all it's challenges and gifts. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I let bills pile up even though I have the money to pay them. I put stuff off and then it haunts me with a steady feeling of anxiety in the background of my daily doings. I can take care of it by devoting a few minutes to rounding up the bills and paying them. All the little things that add up can be tackled one by one. Even my job, which has demanded hours of overtime in the past month or so, can be broken down into smaller steps and celebrated as each one is accomplished. I don't need the big fanfare, just taking care of the basic stuff is a major accomplishment for me.

I packed good food today. I threw together a bag with frozen vegetables, a frozen serving of salmon, and a ruby red grapefruit. I threw my gym clothes in a bag and they are in the car in case I have time to go today on my lunch hour. Got a call last night that brother is getting kicked out of the place where I just moved him a month ago. I can't move him every month. I have to ponder this all in the context of what my part is in the situation. I have to take care of myself above all or I won't meet any of the challenges that face me on a daily basis. My house is messy and my kids are sick. I won't let these things consume me, though. Not today. Today I am going to make a list of all the things to appreciate. I am going to eat my good food, get some exercise and do each task with dedication, however small or large the task may be.

Anyway, that's the plan. More will be revealed.

Wow

Wow - I had no idea it had been this long since I blogged. Time is going by fast. Last week I was sick so it was kind of a lost week. And in the true spirit of an overeater, I gained weight, but not much. I am still teetering around in the 160 - 163 range. So I am still safe from wildly gaining it all back ... I no longer fear that. In fact I no longer fear the food deal. I want to lose more and believe I will, but it may not happen this week or next. My workouts slipped off when sick but I had two good ones Fri and Sat. I may make it there today yet or maybe not. I am pretty laid back about the whole thing at the moment. I am dedicated to thinking positive this week. On that note today is my 19th anniversary of quitting drinking alcohol and using drugs. 19 years. See, now if I can do that sort of thing, I must have some ability to commit, right? Anyway every year I formulate an idea of what area I would like to improve in the next year. It usually just emerges as I review my year. This year the area is discipline, obedience and respect.

Let's just focus on disciplinefor now because it may encompass the other two in a round about way. By discipline I mean training myself by practicing certain habits and routines. Training myself in certain specific areas of my life like self care, housework, bill paying, driving, meal preparation, basic stuff. I have already become more disciplined in my eating habits, but I want for more discipline. I have shed many old habits but what I am looking for now is not so much the "not doing" but the "doing" - by that I mean paying attention more to what I eat, when I eat it - and even getting back into better planning. Being proactive. Also, discipline surrounding housekeeping and performing my job during business hours. Making that extra push to tidy up at night so in the morning I am greeted with a clean sink for example. Or taking the 90 seconds in the morning to make my bed so when I come home I have that sense of order when I look in my room. Little things that take little time but add up to an overall impact of calm from chaos. Meeting deadlines for sending in the bills, because today I always have the money, so it's the discipline of sitting down and writing the checks and putting them in the mail that I need. The doing.

Those are examples. I could build on them but I want to keep it simple. It's a concept but it's a concept defined by action. Obedience for me, means following the simple rules and regulations of life. Traffic signs, for one. Office rules. Even if they are not enforced. And that naturally rolls right into respect. Respect for my job and ultimately respect for authority. Respect for myself and the other people around me. Manners, for Pete's sake. I amaze myself sometimes when I take a look at me and realize that sometimes my manners are more like a ten year old boy than a 49 year old woman. Maybe because I have been rebel all my life. Not a bad thing entirely but I'd like to try some compliance for while. Not robotic stepford wife compliance, but just a simple respect for the basic rules that keep us all safe and healthy. I must admit, I have been a bit of a savage at times.

Anyway, that's what has been formulating in my master plan lately. More will be revealed....

PS, still having a thing with the man friend, going on three months next week.. And without high stress or fighting. In fact it is downright pleasant and sweet. Amazing.