Still Grateful

I am happy to be blogging up in my room on my bed all cozy instead of downstairs in the kitchen eating. It is evening, my trickiest time. But the kitchen seems far away and I don't have the energy or the desire to go there. I am reading blogs, lifesaving blogs, life changing blogs. I am still feeling sick in my sinuses in spite of anti biotics. I am very tired. But still grateful. My room is messy and I am behind on housework. But I am not letting that bother me. It matters not at this present moment. I am tired, and I am resting. It feels good.

I remember last year about this time when I started on my laptop buying mission. I envisioned writing and blogging in coffee houses, and in bed. I had no idea it would be in a bed in a completely different home in another city, another county. Or in a coffee house yet undiscovered. How little we really know about our futures. As I think about last November I think about Christmas shopping early and the plans I had for the future. I think about Grandma Roni and our many discussions on whether I should get my grandson a new bike or not. I remember New Year's Eve, the last time I saw her. How things have changes. How odd it is to have a person gone completely. The holidays are bringing the grief out for him and for me.

I feel like I am trying to catch up with myself. So much has changed and I am just now realizing it all. I am grateful and amazed at how well we have fared. I feel the excitement for life coming back to me - the excitement I lost for a bit after having that disappointing romance. But it is back. I am restored. The void left by the end of that affair is being filled with new friendships, and the return the things I love, the things I had less time and energy for when I was trying to make that relationship work. It seems far away now (finally) and in the past. A bump in the road.

Something has changed in me significantly. I no longer avoid feeling my grief or sadness. In fact I appreciate it. It's this new level of acceptance and appreciation for all of life, not just the parts that are "good" or that work out how think they should. It is a deeper level of appreciation that I cannot yet put into words, but it is coming over me, washing over me. I can feel it.

On a lighter note, I looked at my tummy in the mirror today and there was this patch of flabby globbiness, cellulite I suppose right in the middle surrounding my belly button. Now, I know this is a much smaller area of fat than in days past,because the waists of my pants are getting loose.But I was shocked at the sight of it. It seemed concentrated, no longer stretched out. It was startling to see it there, quite disturbing. Perhaps the remaining fat has all rounded up and rallied round my belly button. Maybe it can be targeted and it will go away. I will try not to focus on it, keep exercising and hope for the best. When all else fails, I will just keep it covered.

I'm still grateful, just had to share the scary belly thing. More will be revealed.

PS I miss Buela. I hope she comes back soon.