Thursday Thoughts

My moods were up and down in the past week and so was my eating. I still try each day to stabilize the diet but my appetite is up some of the time. The doctor put me on hormone replacement. Since EVERYTHING pharmaceutical has always made me gain weight I am thinking the hormones are making me eat. But that is just my thinking. There is no logic to my thinking. It goes off the charts at times. I have this idea that I am somehow allergic to myself or something my body produces, like hormones. And that allergy produces a compulsion to eat food. I need to stop this churning of the brain and just settle down. And be still. Time to stand still for a while.

I have been exercising regularly in my lazy girl kind of way. A trip to the gym each week (I did skip one week) and regular dog walks up and down the hills and to the swan pond. I have much stronger abs now and can do more challenging exercises for abs so I do those at home. I also have weights for upper body that I use at home. So I am taking care of myself. My weight has only fluctuated in about a three pound range. I believe this is part of my process. I lose, I fluctuate a little, I stand still, then I lose a little more. I can live with this. I could live with not losing any more for a while, too. So long as I do not gain. I need time to catch up physically, toning and strengthening things. But I'd also love to lose ten more pounds before Thanksgiving. Why? I don't know it just sounds good.

I took a hike over the weekend with grandson. It was nice for both of us. It takes extra effort to get him out of the house. He tends to hang out on his computer. I also took him and one of his buddies to the theme park and I hung out at the water park section reading and getting in the wave pool for exercise while they went off on their own. It was a relaxing time for me. Relaxation was what I needed, too. I'd had a bout with anger that ended after a stand off in the customer service area of a large discount department store chain who shall not be named. I believe that the cauldron of anger boiling beneath my surface was so evident that my tone and body language were frightening to the lady behind the counter. My reaction to the situation was out of porportion. It got ugly, they called security, thinking I somehow was a threat, but I quietly and repeatedly told them I just wanted the lady to hand me back my driver's license, which she eventually did. I still don't know why she stood there clutching it and withholding it. I think it was some sort power struggle mixed with fear and perhaps a tad bit of her own anger. Power struggles are dangerous when I am brewing a cauldron of anger. I visualized getting arrested at that nameless place. As I slunk out with my ID I heard them cancel security. It was a close call. Too close. I need to remember that when I feel like I felt that day, great care must be taken. Some tasks, like returns to nameless discount houses can be postponed in favor of activities that will relax me.

Overall, as far as eating is concered, my worst days now are far better than my best days were before. I get all freaked out because I have a bag of microwave popcorn when in the old days I'd have three. There is much to be thankful for and today I want to focus on that. It would be too easy to take this bloated feeling I have in my tummy and run with it. Or take the two or three pound gain and use it to beat myself up and say what's the use? What's the use is a dangerous place for me to go.

We had a good rain last night and more this morning. Rain calms me. I love the sound of it, the smell of it, and the way it makes things look. I love the soothing dimming of light when a thick blanket of clouds covers the sun. Sometimes sunny days are just too intense, too bright. We need some soft, grey, dark days to balance things out. Balance. Maybe that's what I am getting to in my life.

Anyhow, here's a tree I shot on my hike. We all know how much I love trees. Trees remind me of God. Especially the big ones that grow near the river. I finally got my own stash of batteries for my camera so I can take pictures again without daughter robbing my batteries and leaving me without. A girl's gotta fend for herself in this world. Even in her own house.

Happy Thursday!