My Body is My Friend

I have been building a new relationship with my body this past year. We've become friends. I have gotten to know it after making peace with it. One thing I notice about my body is that when I reduce the amount of food I eat by too much, it responds immediately by wanting to make up the difference. Last night, for example, I fell asleep for just about an hour and I woke up craving and hungry. I had eaten less yesterday during the day. I got up and ate. I had a half of a bag of microwave popcorn and some dry Chinese noodles. It was a carb fest, more than I would have wanted to eat, but less than the past years of night eating. Then I stopped, and went to sleep. I know when I am starting to lose weight or right after I lose a few pounds, my body has the urge to gain it back. It does not know that this weight loss is a good thing yet. It may think it is a crisis. I need to give it time to adjust. And, I may need to resist some of the urges to eat in favor of a small steady input of food. I can tell my body that it is okay to have less, and then eat something but maybe not as much. I can also reassure my body that it is okay to be empty and hungry sometimes. We will always have food. There is more than enough.

Since my body is my friend I want to take care of it, show it I care, and do nice things for it. I want to spend time with it and enjoy it for what it is. I also accept it for what it is, unconditionally. My body has been with me all my life, faithfully serving me, doing whatever I tell it to do. It has worked very hard, and served me well. It reflects what I give it, and how I treat it.

Anyway, this morning I feel all right. No big crisis because I had some popcorn and noodles late at night. I am moving on. I brought some green pepper and celery to work with me in case I feel the urge to nibble. I had an eighth of a bagel with cream cheese at work instead of my oats. I don't want any more but I acknowledge that I am treading on a bit of thin ice here. I have my lunch of tuna steak and peas ready to eat when lunch time comes. I have protein shakes to make if I need something later. And I have some soy nut butter to spread on the celery if I choose that for a snack.

I like being prepared. I am back on my path to further weight loss. And I have a better understanding of how it impacts my body. I know if I drop my calories abruptly I am going to most likely have a reaction, and it could hit me late at night when I have less resistance. I can put something by the bed, ice water and a protein bar, something that I approve of to have if the craving strikes.

Work is busy but I feel I can manage. Little by little I finish each task. I am happy to be here and I love being able to help people. It feels good. I enjoy making each encounter with a person as pleasant as possible. Each encounter is an opportunity. Life is packed with surprises and unexpected gifts. I want my eyes to be wide open so I don't miss any.

I have been reading in my Emmett Fox daily reading book the past few days. He has been discussing the Four Horsemen - and what I am getting from that is simple. He calls the red horse our emotions, the black horse our intellect, the pale horse the body, and the white horse our spiritual side. When we let the red, the black or the pale dominate, there is trouble. When we ride the white one, life is good. I believe I was on the red one here lately for a while. So I can pick which horse to ride and today I am climbing on the white one.

More will be revealed.

Sunday

I love Sundays. Today is no exception. It is noontime. I am cooking and writing and listening to music. I have been to my Sunday morning group. I love going there even though I have to drive pretty far now to get there. I had a prison visit yesterday followed directly with a visit to my friend who lives about a half hour from there. Tonight I take my grandson to see his mother, who is also now in jail. So that's basically two jail/prison visits for me and him in one weekend, spread apart so we can do other things in between. I cannot do anything about the fact that his parents are both in jail. I can be home cooking and singing and dancing and happy, though, today in spite of the grief I have been purging. Maybe I can sing, dance and jump around BECAUSE of the purging of the grief.

I have moved in my recovery from my life. I ate in some respects to avoid men. I took away the eating and some of the fat and the men showed up. I am now moving away from the negative pattern of having relationships with men who really stink at having relationships. I had to have one to be able to see it as clearly as I do today. And all I can say is Wow. I was reading something yesterday with my friend and I had this revelation about healing. See, I knew from therapy a few years back that I kept having the same kind of relationships with the same kind of guys, and I believed I was doing this because for some unknown reason I NEEDED to complete the relationship. What I did not know was that I was looking for HEALING. I had no idea that was the need. No idea. What a relief. I know I can heal. And know I don't have to look for healing anymore in such an insane fashion, by trying to have a successful relationship with an abusive or extremely unavailable person. What an incredible relief. This did not come with out some embarrassing behavior on my part. For example telling the fresh ex that I hate him, never want to see him again and that he is an a-- h--- and a couple of other explicatives. I don't like to do that, but I did. The anger, though was a refreshing change from sucking it up and being nice so I don't rock the boat or make someone else mad. I am not proud of how I did it, though.

So, I have gotten over a big hump. A new horizon. I knew I needed healing. What I did not know was that I was trying to get it in those relationships. So, I don't have to gain weight, cover my body, hide from men, hate and blame myself, and so forth over that mysterious pattern that I repeated all these years. I can move on. Toss it out of my toolkit. And replace it. There are relationships that can help me participate in a healing process. There are activities, readings, and many, many things to do. And there is my new relationship with God. The one that began this Summer. My Summer of Enlightenment. Sheesh, is Summer over yet? I am not sure I can take much more enlightenment.

My weight is staying the same but I feel that I am ready to move there also.

More will be revealed.

Crawling out of the Mire

It has been a rough week. I was sick, and at first I was irritable but then I got to the depths of despair. For some reason when I am sick it triggers depression and anxiety in a big way. I also have other stuff going on so at any given time I could pick something in my life to freak out about. Maybe since I have been feeling so great, feeling bad felt even worse. Who knows? I cried in the bookstore on the phone with a friend, openly in public, unashamed. I cried on the phone to doctor's receptionists. Crying was better than the rage I had felt earlier in the week. Crying was soothing and cleansing. In fact, I am grateful I made it to the crying stage.

I also felt confusion. I had no idea where all the emotions were coming from. I was baffled. I keep doing all this great stuff to get better and then I get hit with uncontrollable emotions. What I have decided is that emotions are simply part of being alive. I can take care of myself, make progress in my life but I am not going to be immune to emotional experiences. I have been delving heavily into my past, painstakingly examining what happened to me in my life. This is a guarantee that I will feel something. In fact, that's the point, to feel it, and let it pass. I held back on feelings for years. That's why I inhaled carbs and fats and sweets and salts and smooth creamy things. I have used so many things to avoid looking at painful things. I delayed grief and anger because I was afraid of the overwhelming emotions. Today I am willing to face these feelings. So why am I surprised that they are knocking on my door? I invited them in, so now I must entertain them for a while.

Tuesday I wanted to eat everything and that scared me. I also wanted to break things. By late night I wished I could check into the psych ward but it wasn't feasible. I reached out to the stupid guy that I know in my heart cannot be supportive. I had been dabbling in that relationship again against my better judgement. I think I just wanted to feel as rotten as possible, and it worked. I wanted to hate someone and he was the perfect candidate. An easy target. A no-brainer for feeling like s- -t - somebody who is incapable of being kind. Someone so self centered they think it is all about them, so they take it personally when you feel bad and yell at you. Yea, bring it on, talk to the guy who represents my pattern cementing myself emotionally to mean people, and hoping they will change. So after talking to him I moved from the rage to the crying stage. Wednesday I just drank caffeine and cried. I bought a special journal to write the ugly memories from my past in. The ones triggered by recent experiences. The ones I blocked over the years. The ones I ate to avoid. The ones I can't seem to avoid anymore.

I talked for over an hour to my friend/therapist/sponsor. I have symptoms of post traumatic stress. Not all of them. But many. Learning about that is helping me to understand situations that used to baffle me. I react emotionally to situations and my reaction is not appropriate for what is really going on. But what I am finding is the situation triggers emotions from the past. I don't know what to do with this, but for now I am letting myself remember, as much as possible, and writing it down and feeling everything I can, and writing about that as well. I want so much to know what I am dealing with and to stop running. I am worn out from running. I can't do it anymore. I went to a meeting last night of parents of alcoholics. Al-anon. Those people are so nice. I cried of course, couldn't get much out when I tried to talk. Some of what is coming up right now has to do with my sons and the many years of trying to save them, only to have them wind up in prisons, horrible prisons, and all that goes with that. I have carried on all these years doing the things I needed to to do to take care of my family, helping others, going to work, finishing college and so on. I thought I was taking care of myself but I may need some extra help. To be honest, I have not had any help, financial, or otherwise from anyone.

So here I am on Thursday. I went to work for the first time since Monday. I think I will live. I think I can get through the day. All of your comments were so encouraging to me. I wish I could take some days off and go somewhere and completely fall apart. I am still walking to see my swans each night. Looking at the swans is so soothing. They glide so peacefully on the water and they are so beautiful with their long slender necks. There is a grace about them I cannot put into words. What a gift to have moved to such a place where I can walk to see the swans at night. It feels heavenly. It balances out the rough spots in my life. I know I will get though my moments of darkness. I have been right up to the edge, the jumping off point, but I chose to live, and to do positive things. I chose not to do anything self destructive, even overeating. I think I am getting better even though it might feel really bad sometimes.

Monday Musing

It's such a Monday. I feel a little sluggish but I am calling it "relaxed". I took something for my allergies last night and it makes me sleep but it gives me a grogginess in the morning. Sometimes it is nice to be groggy. My boss may disagree.

I had a great weekend. I swam on Saturday with my sister and her daughters. It was great to visit with them. My two kids came and they all played in the pool together. It was nice to see my two mixing with her two, there is an age difference of 4 and 5 years. Hers are 8 and mine are 12 and 13. I got a great workout in the pool. My sister had these contraptions to put on your feet that make them try and float to the top so I had some resistance to work with. She also had those foam dumbbells I see the old folks at the gym using. Tee hee...old folks, I think my kids consider me old folk now.

Sunday I had nothing planned, what a wonderful treat that can be. I spent the day working in my big bedroom, setting up my desk area, finally, after now being there almost five months. It felt good to get that accomplished. I set up the printer scanner I bought in January. I also cleaned other areas of the room. There was such a pile up that I spent most of the day doing normal cleaning - bathroom, bird cage, etc. There is more to go, but I feel I have made major progress. I set up my guitar area last week. So I now have my office, music, bed and exercise areas ready to go. I swear I could live in that room. I want to put the coffee maker in the bathroom again.

I am nesting and settling in again. It feels good. Stable and peaceful. I like being at home. Sunday morning I dared to get on the scale and I had lost a pound. But this morning was another story. I think I will attribute this morning to water from having a salty diet yesterday. Yea, that's it. Water. I will go with that. Friday I worked out at the gym. I am averaging at least one good gym workout per week and trying to find a way to get it up to two. I made my walk to the Swans at least twice over the weekend. I am exercising regularly. I like that I do it regularly but I am no longer obsessed with it. I had planned to go to the gym yesterday morning, but opted to spend the time cleaning my room and doing much needed and long neglected chores around the house. That was a workout in itself.

Today I am keeping track of food to make sure I get back into the groove of eating less. I don't track all the time but when I have been eating more than normal and I want to get back to losing, I try to track. It keeps me in reality. I keep a box of whole oats at work now. That way I can have breakfast at work when I don't eat before I leave the house. I also bought several packaged tuna and salmon steaks. They are so easy, already cooked, and require no refrigeration. If it is easy, I can do it. So I am going to keep it easy.

Soon Summer will settle into Autumn. A Summer of enlightenment and even a little romance. But so much enlightenment I feel I have crossed over into a new dimension of my life. Strange an new but safe and secure. It has been a hot and intense Summer. Intensity now melting into a rich harvest. I am optimistic and content. I want to feast upon the fruits of my labor. I want to savor and enjoy. But I want to keep pushing further on. Further weight loss, further insights. My body has been slowly changing and my mind is changing, too, for the better. I feel the two are in sync. Some sort of odd balancing is going on. Foreign to me, but welcome.

More will be revealed.

Stuck Again but Not Giving Up

I'm stuck again in weight loss and hoping not to gain. I have had a HUGE appetite the past several days. At night I want to eat like the old days. I even had a thing with ice cream a couple of nights in a row. But I am not going to worry too much about it. What I am doing is trying to drink plenty of water, exercise regularly and reach for healthier food. I had my ice cream fling and now I can go back to my yogurt and berries. I had my bagel thing and now I can go back to oats and bran. I won't weigh myself for a couple of days, fearing the sight of a gain will put me into desperate thinking. But I will be accountable Monday morning for a weigh in.

It has been very busy. School started for the kids. I waited until the last minute to shop for supplies. I have been driving around in the hottest of weather in my rolling sauna (no AC in the car anymore) and sweat is a regular part of my life. But I have been keeping up with my daily readings and this morning I even sat on my patio for the first time in ages since the heat took over. It was nice. I pondered how much I love the natural beauty of the earth and how much I appreciate my home. I am also glad that school is starting again and life will now revolve around that schedule which will create some stability and routine. I like that. It has been a wild summer for me. And I feel ready to settle down soon.

So maybe my eating will settle down, and I can get back to a routine with that as well. I do opt for the healthier, leaner foods most of the time. And that keeps me from gaining back my loss. Also, it never fails that when I eat wildly for a few days and I feel I am gaining weight, someone compliments me or comments on how much I have lost and I am reminded that I have made much progress, even if I slip back a little here and there. This has been happening lately at work. Several women, the skinny ones who work at being healthy, have talked to me about how good I look and how much weight I have lost. I feel like I have must have crossed some invisible weight loss line to have these women take notice. They are in great shape, and always have been. They work out and eat faithfully the same healthy foods. I see them walking outside, taking the steps, and so on. So I am hanging onto their kind words as incentive to keep pushing on. What I have been doing for the past year must work. And part of that program is never giving up, no matter what mistakes I make.

Time for Rest

I have exhausted myself. I have been on a rewarding spiritual quest, a mission, a pilgrimage. That, in addition to working overtime at my job, being a mom/grandmother/daughter/ landlady/pet mommy, along with attempting to do some housework occasionally, and even having some sort of thing with a guy, has finally rendered me exhausted in all my ways.

But it is a fine state. A feeling of grand accomplishment accompanies it. I have earned my rest. Last night I laid down as soon as I got home from work. Then I got up and fed the kids. Then I went back to bed with some nice music. Then I got up and tried to watch a movie, got bored and went back to bed with music. Then up again to take the kids for ice cream- I had none, no desire for ice cream (amazing). Then back to bed, ah, the joy of bed and Handel's Messiah. I play The Messiah by George Frederick Handel when I go to bed often in times of great spiritual need. I love that piece of music. I highly recommend it. Handel wrote this entire piece in an astounding short time frame, inspired, and at a low point in his life after failing financially and suffering a stroke. It is most inspiring and comforting to me in times of great need.

I woke up tired this morning but fueled myself at my favorite coffee house while reading my meditations. Then I rejoiced a little while in my new and improved relationship with God. Now I am at work. I have sketched out a food plan for the day. I like to rough out a little plan when my eating has been a bit wacky and I want to stabilize and start losing again. I draw up a plan based on what food I have available and stick to some parameters of calories and type of food, whole grains, high fiber, lean protein and green leafies. That type of thing. That's what I do these days. I don't always stick to it but when I do it works. When I don't I tell myself I will do better tomorrow.

So today I am resting in my soul. My spiritual quest came to a dramatic climax Tuesday night. I have gained a deeper understanding of my life, my purpose and my relationship with a higher power that I call God. I feel at peace with it all today. It is a glorious state.

I have much work sitting on my desk here at the office and I will take each one at a time. When I feel tired I will appreciate it as perhaps an athlete might feel after running a marathon. I've never run a marathon but I feel I have run the spiritual marathon lately. Seeking constantly in faith to resolve the conflict within. Working hard at it instead of turning away or running in the opposite direction. Facing it over and over and not backing down. Doing the prep work. Not ever giving up. There is a tremendous satisfaction in my exhaustion.

More will be revealed.

The Sweetness in Life

I am 49 years old today. I am happy to have lived this long, my life rich with experience. I have paid my dues and I am ready to enjoy the sweetness in life. There is a sweetness that comes from learning to see the good, the beauty, and the love in the darkest of places. And from gratitude and appreciation for the simplest of things. I find it in nature. I find it in people. I find it in architecture, and old broken places. I find it in my tears, of both sorrow and joy. I find it all over. When I am willing to see and experience it. Today I'm more than willing.

It is the sweetness I feel when I remember the day I visited my son in the maximum security prison and he smuggled his pet mouse, Stuart up with him nestled in a sock hidden under his clothes. Until then we had only heard of Stuart, who had become notorious throughout the prison community. Stuart was blind. Someone had tied a string around his neck so tightly that it was killing him, and Mark had rescued him, "performed surgery" to cut loose the string, and saved the little guy's life. Somehow the injury had taken his eyes. But Mark patiently nursed him back to health, doting over him. It was the beginning of a loving relationship in a place where love is in very short supply.

I had to see Stuart from behind the glass, it was a "no contact visit" where my son sat behind a wall with a window and talked to us on the telephone from a concrete cell. Stuart was soaking wet because to get to the visiting room Mark had to be taken through the pouring rain handcuffed and shackled. "He's mad" said Mark looking fondly at Stuart, "He hates to get wet." I watched as the little mouse dried himself with the help of my son, a muscle bound, tattooed, tough guy with a soft heart. It was heaven to see his boyish smile and the bits of pride that shone through. Pride at having something to share with us, perhaps, something he treasured, something he cared for. So sweet to watch as he fed Stuart, sharing his sack lunch of stale bread, peanut butter, an orange, and a cookie. Such a big man and a such a tiny little mouse. And the love. The love and nurturing he gave that tiny creature kept his spirits up and kept him alive in the darkest of the dark places. What a gift. My daughter and I waited on pins and needles to hear from Mark after the visit as to whether he and Stuart made it back without a guard finding Stuart. It would mean a violation for Mark and possibly the end for Stuart. But they made it.

Stuart eventually wandered away and did not come back but he was around for some time. Everyone knew him. Blind as he was, he would find his way back to Mark over and over. It was quite amazing. And it was sweet. Very sweet. That is the sweetness of life to be found in even the darkest of places. And if we can find it there, how much more sweetness is there to find everywhere?

I have suffered long enough at my own hand. The person I feared most in my life was me. But I am not afraid of me any more. Not today, anyway. Today I am at peace with myself, my demons, my past. Just for today and and today is good enough. I am sitting in my coffee house, at just before 7 a.m. I got up early to sit along the river bank at sunrise, and then I came here. The smell of cinnamon fills the air and I so much love the smell. And the most glorious part of that is I am content to smell the baking, without ever tasting the food. In fact I have no desire for the food. My coffee is enough. Right now in this present moment I have more than what I need. I feel no hunger.

These early morning moments have become a regular part of my life since my first trip to Ohio. It has been a summer of revelation and discovery. Hot intensity and the healing of the cool night air. Cornfields and riverbanks, here and Ohio. Did I tell you that there just happened to be a cornfield across from my hotel, in the middle of suburbs? I sat in that cornfield and walked its rows under the glow of a bright summer moon. I know I talked about the river sunset on my last trip, but there was a full moon and a cornfield for me this time. Everything I need is provided for me.

Well, enough of all that for now. Another byproduct of my two trips is that I worked out daily while I was there each time. I am working out on a regular basis now and feeling the benefits. I am ready to settle into a regular eating pattern. My eating last week was healthy but I was hungrier than usual and apparently I was having PMS. But for PMS week I did very well. Lots of salad and seafood, and extra protein. It is as if I intuitively knew what my body needed. How about that? On the night of my return I took my daughter out and we ordered a bunch of appetizers, greasy stuff and nachos. We ended up not being able to eat much of it. My tastes have changed and so have hers apparently. It was awesome. I gave myself permission to eat that stuff and it was just not what I wanted.

For this week I want to get back to simple eating. I am not on an expense account and have to make my own food so that helps. Haley wanted to bake me a cake, but I told her I did not want cake. I bought a watermelon that is cooling in the fridge. We can have that. It's juicy sweetness is better than cake. And today I am willing to enjoy all the sweetness. The sweetness of a summer melon. The sweetness of life itself.