The Sweetness in Life

I am 49 years old today. I am happy to have lived this long, my life rich with experience. I have paid my dues and I am ready to enjoy the sweetness in life. There is a sweetness that comes from learning to see the good, the beauty, and the love in the darkest of places. And from gratitude and appreciation for the simplest of things. I find it in nature. I find it in people. I find it in architecture, and old broken places. I find it in my tears, of both sorrow and joy. I find it all over. When I am willing to see and experience it. Today I'm more than willing.

It is the sweetness I feel when I remember the day I visited my son in the maximum security prison and he smuggled his pet mouse, Stuart up with him nestled in a sock hidden under his clothes. Until then we had only heard of Stuart, who had become notorious throughout the prison community. Stuart was blind. Someone had tied a string around his neck so tightly that it was killing him, and Mark had rescued him, "performed surgery" to cut loose the string, and saved the little guy's life. Somehow the injury had taken his eyes. But Mark patiently nursed him back to health, doting over him. It was the beginning of a loving relationship in a place where love is in very short supply.

I had to see Stuart from behind the glass, it was a "no contact visit" where my son sat behind a wall with a window and talked to us on the telephone from a concrete cell. Stuart was soaking wet because to get to the visiting room Mark had to be taken through the pouring rain handcuffed and shackled. "He's mad" said Mark looking fondly at Stuart, "He hates to get wet." I watched as the little mouse dried himself with the help of my son, a muscle bound, tattooed, tough guy with a soft heart. It was heaven to see his boyish smile and the bits of pride that shone through. Pride at having something to share with us, perhaps, something he treasured, something he cared for. So sweet to watch as he fed Stuart, sharing his sack lunch of stale bread, peanut butter, an orange, and a cookie. Such a big man and a such a tiny little mouse. And the love. The love and nurturing he gave that tiny creature kept his spirits up and kept him alive in the darkest of the dark places. What a gift. My daughter and I waited on pins and needles to hear from Mark after the visit as to whether he and Stuart made it back without a guard finding Stuart. It would mean a violation for Mark and possibly the end for Stuart. But they made it.

Stuart eventually wandered away and did not come back but he was around for some time. Everyone knew him. Blind as he was, he would find his way back to Mark over and over. It was quite amazing. And it was sweet. Very sweet. That is the sweetness of life to be found in even the darkest of places. And if we can find it there, how much more sweetness is there to find everywhere?

I have suffered long enough at my own hand. The person I feared most in my life was me. But I am not afraid of me any more. Not today, anyway. Today I am at peace with myself, my demons, my past. Just for today and and today is good enough. I am sitting in my coffee house, at just before 7 a.m. I got up early to sit along the river bank at sunrise, and then I came here. The smell of cinnamon fills the air and I so much love the smell. And the most glorious part of that is I am content to smell the baking, without ever tasting the food. In fact I have no desire for the food. My coffee is enough. Right now in this present moment I have more than what I need. I feel no hunger.

These early morning moments have become a regular part of my life since my first trip to Ohio. It has been a summer of revelation and discovery. Hot intensity and the healing of the cool night air. Cornfields and riverbanks, here and Ohio. Did I tell you that there just happened to be a cornfield across from my hotel, in the middle of suburbs? I sat in that cornfield and walked its rows under the glow of a bright summer moon. I know I talked about the river sunset on my last trip, but there was a full moon and a cornfield for me this time. Everything I need is provided for me.

Well, enough of all that for now. Another byproduct of my two trips is that I worked out daily while I was there each time. I am working out on a regular basis now and feeling the benefits. I am ready to settle into a regular eating pattern. My eating last week was healthy but I was hungrier than usual and apparently I was having PMS. But for PMS week I did very well. Lots of salad and seafood, and extra protein. It is as if I intuitively knew what my body needed. How about that? On the night of my return I took my daughter out and we ordered a bunch of appetizers, greasy stuff and nachos. We ended up not being able to eat much of it. My tastes have changed and so have hers apparently. It was awesome. I gave myself permission to eat that stuff and it was just not what I wanted.

For this week I want to get back to simple eating. I am not on an expense account and have to make my own food so that helps. Haley wanted to bake me a cake, but I told her I did not want cake. I bought a watermelon that is cooling in the fridge. We can have that. It's juicy sweetness is better than cake. And today I am willing to enjoy all the sweetness. The sweetness of a summer melon. The sweetness of life itself.