Crawling out of the Mire
It has been a rough week. I was sick, and at first I was irritable but then I got to the depths of despair. For some reason when I am sick it triggers depression and anxiety in a big way. I also have other stuff going on so at any given time I could pick something in my life to freak out about. Maybe since I have been feeling so great, feeling bad felt even worse. Who knows? I cried in the bookstore on the phone with a friend, openly in public, unashamed. I cried on the phone to doctor's receptionists. Crying was better than the rage I had felt earlier in the week. Crying was soothing and cleansing. In fact, I am grateful I made it to the crying stage.
I also felt confusion. I had no idea where all the emotions were coming from. I was baffled. I keep doing all this great stuff to get better and then I get hit with uncontrollable emotions. What I have decided is that emotions are simply part of being alive. I can take care of myself, make progress in my life but I am not going to be immune to emotional experiences. I have been delving heavily into my past, painstakingly examining what happened to me in my life. This is a guarantee that I will feel something. In fact, that's the point, to feel it, and let it pass. I held back on feelings for years. That's why I inhaled carbs and fats and sweets and salts and smooth creamy things. I have used so many things to avoid looking at painful things. I delayed grief and anger because I was afraid of the overwhelming emotions. Today I am willing to face these feelings. So why am I surprised that they are knocking on my door? I invited them in, so now I must entertain them for a while.
Tuesday I wanted to eat everything and that scared me. I also wanted to break things. By late night I wished I could check into the psych ward but it wasn't feasible. I reached out to the stupid guy that I know in my heart cannot be supportive. I had been dabbling in that relationship again against my better judgement. I think I just wanted to feel as rotten as possible, and it worked. I wanted to hate someone and he was the perfect candidate. An easy target. A no-brainer for feeling like s- -t - somebody who is incapable of being kind. Someone so self centered they think it is all about them, so they take it personally when you feel bad and yell at you. Yea, bring it on, talk to the guy who represents my pattern cementing myself emotionally to mean people, and hoping they will change. So after talking to him I moved from the rage to the crying stage. Wednesday I just drank caffeine and cried. I bought a special journal to write the ugly memories from my past in. The ones triggered by recent experiences. The ones I blocked over the years. The ones I ate to avoid. The ones I can't seem to avoid anymore.
I talked for over an hour to my friend/therapist/sponsor. I have symptoms of post traumatic stress. Not all of them. But many. Learning about that is helping me to understand situations that used to baffle me. I react emotionally to situations and my reaction is not appropriate for what is really going on. But what I am finding is the situation triggers emotions from the past. I don't know what to do with this, but for now I am letting myself remember, as much as possible, and writing it down and feeling everything I can, and writing about that as well. I want so much to know what I am dealing with and to stop running. I am worn out from running. I can't do it anymore. I went to a meeting last night of parents of alcoholics. Al-anon. Those people are so nice. I cried of course, couldn't get much out when I tried to talk. Some of what is coming up right now has to do with my sons and the many years of trying to save them, only to have them wind up in prisons, horrible prisons, and all that goes with that. I have carried on all these years doing the things I needed to to do to take care of my family, helping others, going to work, finishing college and so on. I thought I was taking care of myself but I may need some extra help. To be honest, I have not had any help, financial, or otherwise from anyone.
So here I am on Thursday. I went to work for the first time since Monday. I think I will live. I think I can get through the day. All of your comments were so encouraging to me. I wish I could take some days off and go somewhere and completely fall apart. I am still walking to see my swans each night. Looking at the swans is so soothing. They glide so peacefully on the water and they are so beautiful with their long slender necks. There is a grace about them I cannot put into words. What a gift to have moved to such a place where I can walk to see the swans at night. It feels heavenly. It balances out the rough spots in my life. I know I will get though my moments of darkness. I have been right up to the edge, the jumping off point, but I chose to live, and to do positive things. I chose not to do anything self destructive, even overeating. I think I am getting better even though it might feel really bad sometimes.
I also felt confusion. I had no idea where all the emotions were coming from. I was baffled. I keep doing all this great stuff to get better and then I get hit with uncontrollable emotions. What I have decided is that emotions are simply part of being alive. I can take care of myself, make progress in my life but I am not going to be immune to emotional experiences. I have been delving heavily into my past, painstakingly examining what happened to me in my life. This is a guarantee that I will feel something. In fact, that's the point, to feel it, and let it pass. I held back on feelings for years. That's why I inhaled carbs and fats and sweets and salts and smooth creamy things. I have used so many things to avoid looking at painful things. I delayed grief and anger because I was afraid of the overwhelming emotions. Today I am willing to face these feelings. So why am I surprised that they are knocking on my door? I invited them in, so now I must entertain them for a while.
Tuesday I wanted to eat everything and that scared me. I also wanted to break things. By late night I wished I could check into the psych ward but it wasn't feasible. I reached out to the stupid guy that I know in my heart cannot be supportive. I had been dabbling in that relationship again against my better judgement. I think I just wanted to feel as rotten as possible, and it worked. I wanted to hate someone and he was the perfect candidate. An easy target. A no-brainer for feeling like s- -t - somebody who is incapable of being kind. Someone so self centered they think it is all about them, so they take it personally when you feel bad and yell at you. Yea, bring it on, talk to the guy who represents my pattern cementing myself emotionally to mean people, and hoping they will change. So after talking to him I moved from the rage to the crying stage. Wednesday I just drank caffeine and cried. I bought a special journal to write the ugly memories from my past in. The ones triggered by recent experiences. The ones I blocked over the years. The ones I ate to avoid. The ones I can't seem to avoid anymore.
I talked for over an hour to my friend/therapist/sponsor. I have symptoms of post traumatic stress. Not all of them. But many. Learning about that is helping me to understand situations that used to baffle me. I react emotionally to situations and my reaction is not appropriate for what is really going on. But what I am finding is the situation triggers emotions from the past. I don't know what to do with this, but for now I am letting myself remember, as much as possible, and writing it down and feeling everything I can, and writing about that as well. I want so much to know what I am dealing with and to stop running. I am worn out from running. I can't do it anymore. I went to a meeting last night of parents of alcoholics. Al-anon. Those people are so nice. I cried of course, couldn't get much out when I tried to talk. Some of what is coming up right now has to do with my sons and the many years of trying to save them, only to have them wind up in prisons, horrible prisons, and all that goes with that. I have carried on all these years doing the things I needed to to do to take care of my family, helping others, going to work, finishing college and so on. I thought I was taking care of myself but I may need some extra help. To be honest, I have not had any help, financial, or otherwise from anyone.
So here I am on Thursday. I went to work for the first time since Monday. I think I will live. I think I can get through the day. All of your comments were so encouraging to me. I wish I could take some days off and go somewhere and completely fall apart. I am still walking to see my swans each night. Looking at the swans is so soothing. They glide so peacefully on the water and they are so beautiful with their long slender necks. There is a grace about them I cannot put into words. What a gift to have moved to such a place where I can walk to see the swans at night. It feels heavenly. It balances out the rough spots in my life. I know I will get though my moments of darkness. I have been right up to the edge, the jumping off point, but I chose to live, and to do positive things. I chose not to do anything self destructive, even overeating. I think I am getting better even though it might feel really bad sometimes.
posted by Cindy at
10:28 AM
3 Comments:
hugs!
Bless you. The hardest thing for me to do is just sit still and feel the feelings. But it is the answer. I sit still, I pray for protection, and then I let down my defenses and the assault begins. Fear, humiliation, guilt and rage, wash over me and threaten to swamp me, but I hang on and drink the cup of pain to its dregs, and then...POP, I am on the other side of it. What sweet relief. Like a miracle. Like being clean.
I have found if I do this I get to stop reliving old stuff. It just doesn't come up again. But, I have to consciously face all of the pain and its ramifications or it does come back.
I think pockets of pain are buried in the fat. Makes sense. We ate to cover it up. As we lose the pounds the pockets come to light. Hang in there sister of mine. This too shall pass. Thank you for writing about this so eloquently.
Cindy, I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but I can't. I just am in awe of your ability to think about things, even after the fact in such a logical, clear way. You are kind to yourself in a lot of ways. And, should I mention what a fantastic writer you are?
I'm glad you are reaching out for some help. I worry about my friend in Texas who is raising a little boy on her own with not much help from her family. It's very isolating and you have two kids with their own needs.
Just remember when you think about the past, you did the best you could do with what you had at that time.
**hugs**
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