Eating wildly in the hotel..

I am back in Ohio. Flew in tonight and it is late. I got here late, I was hungry. I went to the grocery to get something healthy. I got my fiber and yogurt, apples and then some soy chips. Therein lies the trouble. Sure one serving 110 calories. But I ate the whole 3.5 serving, salty bag. Now I am drinking water, and exercising and it is almost one a.m. I have been working and working and working. But it is time for bed. I have to talk in front of people tomorrow. Just a few slides of a presentation. i hope I don't bloat up like a balloon and not get my pants on in the a.m. All those tens, what if I awake and all the pounds are back. Nightmare of weight reduced person. I have been bra shopping the past couple of days, speaking of nightmares. I must be in between cups. I have never, ever had this must trouble getting a bra. geeeeeezzzzzz

It is late and I am silly.

I want to eat well this week on my business trip. I am refusing to get butter on my seafood this time, I will send it back if I have to. I will put the fear in them. Okay Okay.

more later.

I broke it off with the Boyfriend. I kept feeling bad about the relationship. Maybe I like attention too much, maybe I have unrealistic expectations, but I am not willing to settle for less at this point in my life until I have further investigation into the realm of possibilities. I don't like the way I felt at least half of the time with him, and just for today, that's not good enough. Doesn't matter why really, I just can't do it, not right now and not with him. Life is full of unlimited possibilities but if I limit myself and focus a good deal of energy on a situation that makes me feel like poop, I feel I will miss out on something else, something better.

Anyway, I don't feel like diving into a bucket of ice cream or anything. I am more preoccupied with getting the HUGE amount of work on my desk finished, and getting ready for another trip to Ohio next week. I may be having PMS, I never know anymore. What is nice is that although I feel a little crummy about it all, I am not in the depths of despair and thinking there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I cannot be in a relationship. In fact, I could be in one, but I am choosing not to be because it is not the right one for me. Wow. I just realized that while writing this.

Often when I am overwhelmed I eat. Last night friends invited me to go have appetizers with them and I had not had dinner so I went. I had some spinach artichoke dip and some nachos. All were greasy and heavy. My stomach felt icky into noon time today. So I had oats, and a then a protein bar. My weight is stuck and 168 but at least I am still in the 160's. I have not been to the gym since Sunday. I hope to go Saturday in the a.m. and in Ohio next week I will go to the fabulous gym there in the evenings. I feel like I am turning myself in. But what I am really doing is being accountable. With all that is going on in my life it is easy to put my weight loss and fitness on the back burner, but I do not want to do that.

Oh, yesterday I shopped and I wanted a basic denim skirt. Just above the knee, not a mini. I found them in stretch fabric. I ended up with an 8 because the 10 was kinda loose at the hips. I wanted it to be snug, especially with stretch because I find the fabric stretches out and bags. This is bizarre, me with an 8 at 168. I think my body proportions are changing wildly or something. But it felt really good. I have not put it on since I bought it. I hope I don't have some kind of mirror shock at home. Am I too old for the basic denim skirt, just above the knee? It was in the misses department, fair game right? When it is hot it is nice to throw on a skirt. I have not worn skirts in ages because of my figure but I used to love them. I want to get some. They make me feel feminine and pretty. They are part of my style that I lost when I gained the weight. I want my style back.

I am reprinting my affirmation section from Louise Hay below:

I want to share something from the Louise Hay book -these are two brief descriptions and affirmations connected with obesity. I find them true for me. Basically the description is probable cause of obesity or fat and the other is an affirmation to use as a new thought pattern. If anyone wants to tell me how to correctly cite or attribute when I quote something on my blog, I'd appreciate it. For today all I can say is they are from Louise Hay - You Can Heal Your Life, in the back of the book in her List. Under Obesity and Fat. Here they are:

Probable cause - Oversensitivity – often represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a cover for hidden anger and a resistance to forgive.

New thought pattern: I am protected by Divine Love. I am always safe and secure. I am willing to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I forgive others, and I now create my own life the way I want it. I am safe.

Probable cause - Fear, need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self rejection. Seeking Fulfillment.

New thought pattern - I am at peace with my own feelings. I am safe where I am. I create my own security. I love and approve of myself.

Sweet Sunday

I love Sunday. I love most of all Sunday morning with all its promises. It is my day to do as I please. Sure, there is a to do list a mile long with chores I could do, and may do, but God gives me Sunday as a gift, a day to enjoy his blessings. And that's what I am doing right now. I am sitting at my newly discovered spot, my coffee house, my new love. I am on the comfy couch with my laptop getting a free wireless signal. This was my dream when I bought the laptop. It has come true for me. I am savoring a rich, luscious coffee. I am counting my blessings.

One blessing I have received this week is the ability to detach. It came over me mid week in connection with some dealings with Boyfriend. But it was most apparent, and rewarding when I visited my son yesterday. Over a month ago I had gone into the depths of despair after a visit with my son. I blogged about it on June 9th and 15th. I had just begun working in the Louise Hay book, You Can Heal Your Life. What is significant to me now is that right after I bought the book I had the visit that put me into despair, and I also started dating Boyfriend. I began diligently doing the work in the book and stayed a willing participant in my relationships, not running at the first sight of trouble but honestly looking at what was going on at all times. Looking at me, and my reactions and where they came from. And doing the work the book suggests. The rewards have been immediate and profound. Never have I received such prompt results. And I have not even been pushing myself to use the book, it just comes naturally.

Back to detachment. What do I mean? For me it is being able to have relationships with people without taking responsibility for their problems, for one. And, being able to be supportive without trying to control situations. To allow the other person to make mistakes, disagree, carve their own destiny, and to be able to love them no matter what they choose. To be there for someone but not feel I have to fix things, and to not take responsibility for what is broken. Naturally when someone I love or care for is sad, or in turmoil, or danger, I feel something. I may feel pain, anxiety or even guilt. But I can step back and have faith that they can work things out for themselves. If they ask me for suggestions, I can make them, letting go of the outcome. I am new at this but it is a grand feeling of peace with the other person. Yesterday my son and I laughed and talked, and he shared his concerns about his upcoming marriage. And his hopes. He was honest and so was I. And there was no anger between us, and no expectations. Just a loving encounter. I cherish the memory. Those sweet, short two hour visits are all I get, and I want to treasure every second. What could be the most important part of this detachment deal is that I no longer attach my self worth with the status of my relationships or what I think people think of me... This is still mysterious and new to me.

I want to share something from the Louise Hay book -these are two brief descriptions and affirmations connected with obesity. I find them true for me. Basically the description is probable cause of obesity or fat and the other is an affirmation to use as a new thought pattern. If anyone wants to tell me how to correctly cite or attribute when I quote something on my blog, I'd appreciate it. For today all I can say is they are from Louise Hay - You Can Heal Your Life, in the back of the book in her List. Under Obesity and Fat. Here they are:

Probable cause - Oversensitivity – often represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a cover for hidden anger and a resistance to forgive.

New thought pattern: I am protected by Divine Love. I am always safe and secure. I am willing to grow up and take responsibility for my life. I forgive others, and I now create my own life the way I want it. I am safe.

Probable cause - Fear, need for protection. Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self rejection. Seeking Fulfillment.

New thought pattern - I am at peace with my own feelings. I am safe where I am. I create my own security. I love and approve of myself.


I never thought I'd find myself getting into affirmations like this, but something is working tremendous miracles in my life, and the book is the only thing I have been doing consistently during this phase. So I wanted to share it with you all. I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially about the probable cause.

Celebration

Sunday I had my own private celebration of life. It also happened to be the one year anniversary of the day I began working toward a new relationship with my body - and the food I eat. I began the day very early finding I could not go back to sleep after my initial wake up. I decided to work out. My Ohio workouts were great and I wanted to keep up the pace. I had a fantastic work out with cardio, then weights, then pool and sauna. It was a balanced, productive, and challenging work out. I felt relaxed and happy afterward.

My grandson decided to visit his Mom and my daughter was catching up with friends so I found myself without the kids for the rest of the day. I could have stayed home to unpack and clean but I felt the day being handed over as a gift to me to do with whatever I pleased. I wanted a nature experience and some reading time. I went out into the hot July afternoon thinking of my cornfield and the trail nearby. I stopped at a trail head before my cornfield. I went on a hike for close to two hours. I loved the heat. There was shade much of the way but when I was in the sun it felt so alive and intense and real that I basked in it. It felt like energy. It felt like a healing warmth. It is hard to explain in words.

After my hike I was hungry, and I took the winding country road much further in search of a cozy dining place. There were wineries but I decided to go to a small village and I dined at a bed and breakfast. It was a leisurely meal. I felt drained when I got into the air conditioning so I spent some time recuperating. But I felt a good drain, like I had purged, detoxed, or cleansed out there in the July sun.

After my dinner I set back out towards home. I had noted a river access park on my way and wanted to find a spot to sit with a view of the water. I found a path right off the parking lot that went directly to the bank. There was breeze cooling the valley. It was evening by then. I sat for I don't know how long drinking it in. The air replenished what the sun had removed. I felt new. And I still do.

I can tell you that the scenery never looked so beautiful as it did on Sunday. It was as if I had forgotten how magnificent the countryside can be. My brother talks about a religious experience after which everything looks new as if seeing for the first time. That is what it was like for me. Awe at the sight of it all. Excitement and joy at the knowledge that there is so much beauty to behold not far from where I live. A spot for me. Free of charge. Waiting for me.

On the way home I stopped for tea and reading time. It was a perfect ending to a perfect outing. I was relaxed enough to get to bed early for a good night's sleep.

Monday morning I woke up very early and could not wait to go out into the day. I took a sunrise hike at my conservation area that I love. The one I posted pictures from a couple months back. I watched the sky fill with color as I walked. I realized that every day there is a sunrise for me if I choose to see it. Every day. Waiting for me if I want it. I marveled at that for a while. After the hike I went for coffee and reading time prior to work. I arrived at work with a mysterious and somewhat contagious excitement for my job that is still getting the bewildered attention of others. I cannot contain it and have decided I do not want to. People are talking. They say I have changed. Something happened in Ohio they surmise. It is Wednesday and I am still excited. There have been comments about how I look. That I look refreshed (I got that one on Tues morning when I had had about three hours sleep!). That my body looks great, and so on. It is wild.

On Monday I discovered a coffee house where I feel at home. I hid out there for two lunches and two mornings so far. Reading, working, savoring the coffee bar.

I feel I have found a home in a place that holds so many joys and surprises. Untold delights await me.

That boy has been kind of an ass (except for the romantic evening after the airport pick up) but even that can't bring me down for very long. If anything, it is a catalyst to personal growth. I am amazed at my new found capacity to deal with life. It is like magic. I hope it does not wear off. I am not saying everything is roses because that is not true. But I can pick myself up, learn something and move on. I am still working in my book about healing. It must be working. I also had a pleasant man encounter at the coffee shop. I felt it was a sign of things to come. A reminder that there are ambassadors from the planet of men out there to greet me when I am brave enough to go there.

Anyway, I hope to get caught up on blogging soon. It has been very busy getting back home and back to the office after being gone for five days. I want to post pictures from the beauty I have seen but my daughter took my camera batteries and I did not get to take any. I will go back and return with photos.

More will be revealed.

Ohio Sunsets and Size 10 Pants

I am in Ohio - Dublin to be precise, on my business trip, all week until Friday. Sunday I had a last minute trip to shop for clothes. I wanted outfits, nice ones. I had some but not enough. I found pants without front pockets. They fit snug and I like them, they are tens, imagine that. Me still teetering in the high one sixties wearing a size ten. I can't wear ten in all pants but I do in those and I relish the thought. I feel like I have a figure now, yes it still has fat and flab but it can be compressed into smaller spaces. Cool.

I took time this eveing to swim and then a drive. I found a river earlier when the sun was still high, and I could tell it would set right over the river. I came back for the sunset after my swim. I sat on the dock and watched the small orange sun slide beneath the treetops. I relished the coral ripples on the river. Soft, lazy, gentle. A cooled down breeze after a sweltering day. It was great. I almost fell asleep, lying down with my head on my bag for a pillow. It was nice.

I have a great suite with a kitchen. There is a pool and then a gym up the street. I was too tired for gym but made myself swim. I ate pretty good today, I ordered in a lunch and dinner and put the salad in the fridge. I rinsed the chicken breast off because it was buttery. I went easy on dressing. I took half the bread off my veggie sub. I did have two quesadilla wedges though with salsa at dinner. But that is it. I am going to make this a healthy trip. I was hugely bloated this morning from what I do not know. So I am flushing with water. I did have weird food over the weekend. Salty stuff. Not tons, but not healthy either. And birthday cake and ice cream. And I wonder why I am bloated...I also had a delicious barbeque. Wings and brats. okay, that explains it. I did enjoy the day of eating whatever everyone else had. It was grandson's birthday. I will recouperate.

As for the boy, he and I had fought, and then cooled down for a couple of days. We had gotten so intense at first I think it plain wore me down. After backing off I still feel like seeing him, in smaller doses. I also like how I am seeing my behavior and changing how I think, instead of letting the same old patterns take over. I was able to talk honestly to him about my fears about men. I thought it would run him off and I was more than willing at that point to let him go. But he is still there. He is picking me up from the airport Friday, I left my car in the shop for the week. I am looking forward to it.

Anyway, I must sleep. And drink more water.

Let the Roses Weep

It's Saturday morning and I have been out playing in my garden. I could call it work but for me it is a joy. I got up early to cut my small patch of grass but there was so much more to tend. I watered, weeded, mulched, transplanted. I visited each flower and bush. I love my time in the garden. It replenishes me. It reminds me of who I am and what I believe in. I can love safely in my garden. I can plant, give care and watch things grow. And when something dies there is always new growth.

The roses of my sweet summer romance are now hanging their heads. I still think they are beautiful They are red now, without the blush of pink they once had. The romance itself lasted about as long as the roses. But perhaps, like them, there is still beauty in it, even in its demise.

I have post traumatic stress. I can say it out loud. I believe it now. We were tapping it in therapy but did not put a name on it. It is triggered by men, in intimate relationships with men. I had a major breakthrough as a result of this encounter, this little romance. I cannot deny that the PTS is there anymore. I don't know so much what those words mean, but I am willing to go back to therapy and find out. I am not afraid of it. I just want to take care of myself. My therapist friend was very helpful last night. I wish I could get over the past. And no longer allow it to cloud the present and make threats against my future. She says there is hope for me and I believe that.

Depression, PTS, whatever. I am getting through this life and finding the joy in it. Where there is joy and healing I will go. What gives me peace I will keep close.

So let the roses weep. With their heads hung low. They can weep for me. For the little girl lost. I'll be out in the garden sowing new seeds.

Independence Day

Today was amazing. I took the kids and one extra kid to the Six Flags amusement park. I was the biggest kid of all. I rode the roller coasters over and over, claiming the front seat as my favorite. I kept running ahead and the kids told me to slow down. That is the amazing part. Me running. Me being told to slow down by kids. I am almost 30 pounds lighter than a year ago. A year ago I barely ran and if I did it was short lived. When fireworks began at the park we were just getting off the roller coaster so we had to get to the other end of the park, I ran and ran. It felt so good to run and not hurt. To run and not feel like I could have a heart attack. To run and feel like I could keep on running. I feel victorious. I feel reborn.

Seriously, since my walk amongst the corn a couple of nights ago I feel like a new person. In fact, if I did not have to work tomorrow I'd be back in the corn tonight to seek more of what it had to offer. I feel lighter in my head and heart. I am not worrying about the boy situation. If the summer romance blooms into something more, great. If not, hooray for that, too. I like him very much but if I never saw him again I would still cherish what was shared for just that short while. For me to let go of those old thoughts that used to churn constantly in my mind about men..why doesn't he call, where is he, is he with someone else, all the BS I put myself through, is amazing. I know where those thoughts came from -the past. So I sent them all back. They are off the menu.

Tomorrow I return to work and I am wondering how my cornfield revival will impact my working attitude. I hope I can hold on to my new found peace and excitement for living. In my lifetime I have often found certain spots in nature that brought me peace and inspiration. I would go to them to replenish my soul. But it has been a long time since I have had one at all, and one that impacted me so much all at once. I'd like to go back in the daytime to see where I really was.

More will be revealed. For today I am grateful for everything in my life.

Corn and Sky

Last night I had a craving for cornfields at night and big endless sky. It hit me while driving past the corn which is high now and fragrant. The smell of corn in the night summer air is a part of the me long ago. The wild adventurous me. The free me. The me before loving a man took me down. I remembered my first love. His name was James. He was not the love that took me down, that came later. I met him while walking for mankind in my bikini. I was 15 going on 16. It was the annual Walk for Mankind over a twenty mile stretch of roads. We had pledges per mile from people to raise money. We were young and it was a great way to take off all over the countryside without supervision. I went with my friend Sheila who taught me how to laugh with reckless abandon. James lived along the way and we asked him for a drink as he sat in his yard. He walked the rest of the way with us. Just to get to know me.

James was an intelligent Hippie type and I knew he liked me for me. I knew he was capable of knowing me, the deep down me. The weird and quirky me. After meeting me James later told me that he walked the lenghth of Wild Horse Creek Road, where I lived, just looking for me. Wild Horse Creek is about a twenty mile road as far as I can estimate, perhaps longer. That may be the most romantic thing a man has ever told me. James and I walked among the cornfields and wandered together. We fell for each other. I only recall kissing him just a few times. Romantic kisses. He was a little older and I was shy. He respected my boundary. It was a summer of exploration and adventure and sweet crushes and affection. When I went back to school I stopped talking to James and I never understood why. I drifted off from him. He called and it was different. I met Tom, and became an abused teenage pregnacy. James eventually married a woman and had two kids and later did time for manufacturing LSD. Summer Hippie Love. And the sweet smell of corn in the cool night air.

Last night I wondered why I turned away from that sweetness, that respect, that love of me for who I really was. (forget the LSD manufacturing for moment). It baffles me. And why I ended up with Tom, the twisted, bitter one, who loved me as an object, a sweet little thing to dominate and hold down. Where does it come from, and will it ever leave? I drove out into the night last night with my little dog for protection. Into the deep countryside, looking for my corn and the big dark sky full of stars. I winded through the darkness not knowing if I would find what I was looking for. I hit a small town after driving a half hour or so, and just when I was thinking I was not going to find anything, I looked to my left and saw a huge moon over a clearing. It was so bright it took me by surprise. I slowed and saw a trailhead parking lot. I pulled in and in front of me was a gravel road leading out into the darkness toward that moon.

I parked and took the dog into the remote unknown, a little scared but feeling the emergence of my old brave self. The one who had a reckless faith that got her into trouble sometimes. I walked and walked excited by the vast beautiful land. I was in the river bottom but it was so dark I could not make out the scenery except for a magnificent tree against the night sky. As I walked on the corn emerged. It was as if it had hidden itself until I arrived. I felt it was all for me. My secret gift with God. My night sky, my sweet smelling corn, the stars and even a bright moon to guide me. I cried. For what I am not sure. As I walked along the rows of corn at least a head taller than me, the moon followed just above the tassles of the corn. I asked it questions and I gave up my sorrows. I surrendered my fears and admitted defeat. Over what I don't know.
He's not the one. I kept hearing back. He's not the one. He's not the one.
I don't know what it all means but I feel I met my maker out there in the corn under that endless sky.

I lost about five pounds last week having my bullshit romance. Sorry, I am sick of romance. I want to be alone. It is easier. I kill myself with turmoil over men. Useless, needless turmoil. In my head. I can't enjoy it. I just can't right now. It has to stop. I am not ready. Maybe after a while, just not now. No wonder I got fat. You get fat and the cute boys leave you alone. But I don't have to do that anymore. I can live in the world of men. I can take my time. They don't have to take over my life. I don't have to give up myself to be loved by another.

I am trying to eat. That sounds really odd coming from me. Food makes me feel icky sometimes. I don't want to lose this fast. I have a business trip next week I am preparing for. I want to go have some fun this holiday. I have been getting lots of exercise, trying to run away from that relationship and all. I went to the gym today also. And of course, the walk in the corn. The sweet, blessed walk in the corn. I can't wait to go back.