Stuck But Surviving

It has been difficult this week. I had huge appetite early on which has tapered off. I found myself losing faith in my ability to resist and fearing the return of all the weight and the old life of self-abuse. I did go to the gym for my cardio on a regular basis but I felt bloated and heavy most of the time in spite of it. The anniversary of my grandson's other grandmother's death is tomorrow. That anniversary has been hanging over us and impacting us - me and him. He had difficulties going to school and felt physically bad this week. I felt moody and weepy and guilty with bouts of anger and frustration. I did have some positive thoughts, though. About how amazing it is that I took in an adolescent boy on a moment's notice and supported him financially and otherwise for an entire year successfully. It has been an adjustment but here are some of the good things - I kept him in the same school for two months so he did not have to change everything, I drove him and picked him up every day - I took him to counseling and sent him to grief camp in the summer. He lost about 30 pounds and has maintained a normal weight. He got off of the low dose medications he was on while living with her. His grades are good. He has made friends at the new school. He is not in any trouble, nor does he display any signs of trouble. In fact, the other day he called me at work and asked if I knew of any healthy ways to get his anger out. I made suggestions, which he followed. Does it get any better than that?

So, I know I went through much of the year in shock. I realize that my own grief is still coming out. I allow myself to feel all the ways that grief expresses itself, anger, sorrow, guilt and remorse, and so on. I talk to people about it. Especially if I get really negative. I use food less for comfort, and have other means to deal with life, but food is still around. I don't beat myself up over it when I eat too much or something I wish I had not eaten. I am not moving in weight loss right now but I am not gaining either. So I will take what I have right now and be thankful for it. For all I have been through it is amazing to be where I am.

So I may be stuck in my weight loss right now, but for today I will call it maintenance. Maintaining and surviving.