Speaking of Positive......

More positive thoughts -

Since I believe what we think upon grows, I am still focusing on the postives in my life - here are today's thoughts:

School is going good for both kids so far this year. We have a stable home environment and I am there giving a balance of freedom, supervision, guidance and discipline. My daughter has changed almost dramatically. I realized yesterday that she is rarely yelling or screeching. She seems more relaxed, is dedicated to her grades and schoolwork. She does her chores regularly and is committed to improving her health and school attendance. My grandson is socializing more and seems to enjoy school this year more than ever. He is also diligent about his schoolwork. He joined the jazz group after school. He's a self starter and not afraid to try new things. Overall things are going great at home.

My job is going good, too. Since my boss returned from maternity leave she has been very positive about me. I had a good performance review. My rough period was acknowledged but she said I had improved greatly and was doing very good. We talked about dealing with difficult people, and my challenges. I told her I'd like her to mentor me more. I signed up for a Dealing with Difficult People seminar. Maybe I will learn to deal with me!! Hee hee -

One thought I have had is that some of my personality changes that caused some problems had to do with my adjustment to my weight loss. I was on a bit of a "high" last Summer. It was the first time I felt good in my body in years. I may have gotten a little extreme and too intense. I have come down to earth now and can see it. All a part of the process...

I went to the gym yesterday and felt alive again. As I worked out I noticed that I am in good shape. I feel good about my body. I love to work out. I did my routine on the lower body equipment plus my cardio. It put me back in focus.

My night eating was even better last night. I had my yogurt, fruit and bran. I was not fighting off urges. I have accepted that in order to be in good health I need to eat less at night, and stay away from those high starch, high glycemic foods. I am good with that. I want to eat to fuel my body.

My daughter walked the dog last night. I was watching the end of a movie when she left, but I jogged uphill and walked briskly to catch up with them at the swan pond. It felt great.

I feel good this morning. Back in the swing of things. Slump is fading away. I am sure me and the scale with make up soon.

More will be revealed.

Non Scale Victories & Gratitude

Since me and the scale have not been on the best terms I am going to list some non-scale victories of late:

Resisting temptations:

I resisted ice cream; birthday cake; cup cakes and other treats

I reduced my evening eating, and when I just could not resist food at all, I had fruit.

Exercize:

I did a "navy seal push up" as taught by my son.

My arms are in the best shape I have ever seen them - due to my continued work with my ten pound weights at home. I like my arms and that is a real treat.

I can do things with my abs I never thought I could do. I keep up with my morning routine which involves an ab move and upper body weights at the same time, it combines a V-sit, leg lift with a simultaneous weigth lift with the arms. Hard to describe but I am thrilled I can do it on my weakest days. In fact sometimes I do them just to remind myself that I can.

Other body image stuff:

My clothes still fit. All the smaller sizes.

I recieved compliments on my vacation picures and the reality is I am still the same size. Having photos of myself that I actually like is a new and wonderful experience.

That's enough for now. I have a nagging feeling of depression, but I am still functioning. It is pissing me off. I am going to rebel against it by acting happy or something. My "smart-a--" survival tool is kicking in I think.

I am signing up for a seminar on how to deal with difficult people. Since I am a difficult person, too, the bonus will be maybe I will be better at dealing with me! It is in November, paid for by work. How nice is that?

When I got in my car today, I looked back at my condo, and my front porch with pots of flowers and thanked God or the Universe or Whoever is out there for my beautiful home. Even without a pretty place to live, I would have much to be grateful for. If I was not feeling so pissed off all the time lately...! What is the deal???? I don't know whether to laugh or break stuff.

More will be revealed.

The Difference

It's Saturday evening and I am in my chair. The window is open and the evening is cool. I feel safe and secure and relaxed. I have had this undercurrent of low grade depression and that feeling of not wanting to show up for stuff, or leave the house. But the difference is that I know it is just a feeling, and I go ahead and do my stuff anyway. Like work. I went all week. I went the week I was sick. And my Saturday morning group. I did not want to go. Not because I did not want to see them, but more because I did not want them to see me. Sometimes I feel that way, but now I go anyway. And I am always glad when I do.

I went to see my son today for the first time in two months I think. We talked about fitness. He does hundreds of push ups a day in his prison cell. He has lots of time on his hands. He told me of some variations he does on the push ups. He also does squats and abdominal stuff. I think he has been exercising three hours a day. I am so glad he does this. I believe it keeps him sane in a very insane environment. It keeps his self respect and probably helps him stay out of depression. I asked him if he wanted me to send him some Yoga postures and he surprised me and said yes. I have been suggesting Yoga for years. Seeing him today really lifted my spirits and inspired me.

I was inspired to do more exercising at home in my room. Mornings I do a little but now I want to increase. I am not sure I will be able to pull of fthe navy seal push up but I can start trying. I want to focus on tone. I agree with what Vickie was describing, that our bodies may weigh more but actually look smaller because of the whole muscle verses fat deal. Plus, for me, exercise feels good. It gives me a feeling of competence.

I am marveling at the difference in me. I made it two weeks since that icky Weed episode and a significant illness, and instead of hiding out, I continued to participate in life. I have been very present for the kids, my job, and my other relationships and activities. And, even though I have been feeling "fat" I have stayed tuned in to what I am eating. Reality. It is not so bad actually.

I like what Vickie said, "gently bundle it up and blow it away" - that's what I am doing with the negative thoughts. They are not me. They are remnants of the past. They are not real at all. They are not me. There is a very new me here today. I'm still getting to know her.

Swelling Again

Glad it's Friday but wish I'd skipped the weigh in. I was two pound up and feel swollen. I had salt last night. Bummer. I feel like right now my body is real sensitive to everything. I will have to be super drastic if I want the pounds to come off. I can't even eat like I ate when I was five pounds thinner. It is weird but I just need to accept it and make the adjustments. One thing is the lack of exercise which I will be starting again this weekend. The anti biotic I was on made me nervous about working out because there was a link to it and tendon injuries. Being older makes me more wary of these types of things.

So, self acceptance is the concept for today. Accepting that I am in a phase where it is really easy to gain and rather tricky to lose. I have a choice, I can get real drastic and lose in spite of the phase, or be not so drastic and live with the fluctuation, knowing that it will pass and I will again resume the losing spree I have been on for some three years now. All in all, I am still 50 pounds down from 2005 and have much to be grateful for. I am not binging, and in fact I continue to pass up temptations every day. For example, we had an office lunch yesterday and I passed completely on the appetizers. I had my salad and steamed veggies.

This is a dangerous time for me, because of the tendency to get doom and gloom thinking and say what's the use. Or to live all day obsessing about that feeling of tightness in my waistline, and let it dominate how I feel about life. I am not going to do that. I can use that feeling of tightness to influence my food choices in a good way, while accepting that it's one of those days, and if I keep on making the better choices, I will reap the benefits.

I am trying to steer myself into positive thinking and stay there. I keep teetering. I just don't get my body. I recall a few months ago "accidentally" losing pounds when I was not even trying....sheesh!!

Moving in the right Direction

Today the scale was down a couple of pounds, thank goodness. My passing up temptations is paying off. I am still not where I want to be with my food intake but I am getting better.

I am over the sickness, too. That helps. I want to start working out again soon. Things feel sort of normal again. I even cleaned a section of my room. It is the part of the room where I first enter, so it makes a huge difference on how I feel when I go in my room.

Little bits at a time add up to a big difference. That's my thought for the day.

This morning I decided to look at my weight on the scale as if I woke up a year ago and weighed myself. I would have a feeling of miraculous wonder! Amazement and awe! It is working so far.

Battling my Fattitude

I found myself with a bit of a dangerous fattiude this weekend. Fattitude is my new word for when I have a "fat" attitude. Where my thinking is obsessive about being fat, and I am overly focused on the fat parts of my body, my weight and so on. I have been drinking water constantly this weekend to help get rid of the nasty illness I have. I feel bloated and my weight went up. I feel I am retaining and swelling. I have been passing up all kinds of foods and I know I am not eating enough to gain. So, patience is required. I cannot exercise or exert myself much because I am trying to recover from illness.

It is hot and hideous outside. The air quality is dangerous. I am holing up, and resting. I did visit with my sister on Saturday and that was fun, but it wore me out and all I did was sit outside all evening. I passed on the cake at the party and drank water. I was a little pissed to see my weight go up but I need to ignore that. Sunday morning I managed to make it to church service and I am so glad I did. I have not been back since vacation. As I was leaving, the music director pulled up in his van with his family and said they missed me at Bible class. I said I missed them, too and that I would be back. He said I always have good input. It felt very good to have been missed. I had already been talking myself out of going, thinking that since I was not in the choir or music team I really did not belong. Silly me!!

Today we are supposed to meet my sister, but I am not sure if I am up to it. I do have to drive to pick up grandson so perhaps we can meet for a meal somewhere. The sickness is getting better but I have felt weak and feverish at times. I don't want to play around with this, it could impact my kidneys. So I am sloshing around with the water and trying not to eat much because I am getting zero exercise. I want to do my weights and stuff but I don't think it is a good idea. Getting well is a good idea.

So back to the fattitude. To combat the fattitude I am looking back at old posts and looking at pictures and thinking about my progress and not my regressions, if any. I am planning out healthy foods and need to keep track. That way I can look at what I ate and realize I am not overeating. I don't want to obsess over it, but I want to do enough about it to put me in reality. The doom and gloom thinking is destructive and I am not wanting to go there anymore.

I will keep resting and looking at the positive side of my life for now. Here is something I wrote about a year ago in a post, it applies today:

"Overall, as far as eating is concered, my worst days now are far better than my best days were before. I get all freaked out because I have a bag of microwave popcorn when in the old days I'd have three. There is much to be thankful for and today I want to focus on that. It would be too easy to take this bloated feeling I have in my tummy and run with it. Or take the two or three pound gain and use it to beat myself up and say what's the use? What's the use is a dangerous place for me to go."

I like that. I think I will listen to myself today and just be happy!