I Refuse to be a Victim
I had a very unpleasant Weed "relapse" this weekend. (Weed is a guy, for anyone who does not already know- a reoccurring X). I initiated it. Me and my friend Denial. I have my counseling appointment Thursday. I had been thinking about not going because I had no Weed in my life and I was feeling so good about it, having not even felt like contacting him and being so secure in my happy, safe life of staying home. Maybe I needed the encounter to put me back in reality that YES I need counseling. I am feeling stable today. Yesterday was not too pretty but I still functioned, took care of my kids, my pets, my flowers, cooked us a nice dinner, etc. Just wanted to die on the inside. I ate banana bread and chocolate, but I stopped. I will get over it. I hate feeling so dramatic. It is embarrassing. The victim thing, and self abuse. That is what the Weed deal is about - I think. But what do I know? I am the one who still participates in the BS...
Success and happiness are my natural conditions - I have a right to them. I refuse to accept anything less than harmony for my life anymore. I can have a happy and joyous life so long as I, myself, insist on it, and make decisions that get me there... and stop making decisions that hold me back. . . . something like that.
I am getting out the shovel to dig up the roots of the weeds in my life. And I am strong enough, and know how to use a shovel.
More will be revealed.
More will be revealed.
posted by Cindy at
9:37 AM
7 Comments:
I find that when we feel good about how things are going, The Enemy throws stuff like this in our lives--spiritual warfare. I keep waiting for it in my life--and perhaps this funk I'm in is the Enemy in action and I didn't even think about it that way--because things had been going pretty well. I don't know. That seems defeatist, doesn't it? Waiting for things to go wrong. That's not exactly what I expect, not always, but I guess I kind of do.
I think I need a counseling appointment too.
HUGS.
An anti-weed guard - like wonder woman bracelets???
I like that, wonder woman bracelets!!! Maybe I can make one. I had my first therapy session today. I really like the therapist. She gave me a workbook. I started crying within minutes of sitting down. She said she specialized in domestic and sexual abuse and the tears welled up just hearing the words. Anyway it went good. I am going to go back. I have her cell phone number.
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PS - called and changed my Thursday appointment - she just "happened to have a cancellation" so I did not have to wait. I was afraid if I waited I'd start feeling "ok" again and decide not to go. Plus I REALLY needed to go today.
I did ask my therapist about the victim thing - and she confirmed/said that she does not think I see myself as a victim (either).
She added that victim thinking and eating disordering thinking go hand in hand.
That whether one overeats or undereats - there is often/usually victim thinking involved.
She added that often the person THINKS that they have control over their own lives when over/under eating (nothing is going well - at least I can have the comfort/numbness of really good tasting food OR nothing is going well - at least I can be thin) but when in the middle of eating disordered behavior things are actually the most out of control.
And on the therapist time thing - I STRONGLY suggest that you ask her to help you set a month/year on the calendar.
For example - when I started my anti-d's the doc made me promise that I would try it for THREE YEARS before I gave up.
I am on my second year (I think or is it 3rd?) with therapist and feel like I am just beginning.
I actually think that I will be with my psychiatrist and therapist unti they retire and then will be looking for new ones.
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