A little reflection on things
It is nearing a three year point since I decided to change my life after reaching my breaking point at my highest weight. Since January of 2005 I have lost now 46 pounds. In January of 2005 I quit taking anti depressants and started going to the gym regularly. I only lost about ten pounds or twelve pounds that year but it was a beginning, and I kept it off. I worked with a therapist that year on underlying reoccurring issues and patterns in my life. It was great. Then in the Summer of 2006 I read France's book Passing for Thin. I got inspired. And then I found her blog, and the AFG blog and started blogging on my own. Then I started taking off more weight. Thirty pounds in a year and now an additional 6 give or take a pound or two.
My pattern goes like this from what I can tell. I lose a little chunk, then I go up and down a little around the new weight. Then I stabilize at that weight for a while, then I go on to lose another little chunk. I have to adjust to each little loss, and then move on. Nothing earth shattering. Just my tortoise, lazy girl, meandering along. And then every so often when I need to buy clothes I see what changes have occurred. Right now I am in a gym going phase. I have been doing the cardio for two weeks now. I love it. But that is for now, if I quit it for a while it will be no big deal.
There have been many rewards. I am much more comfortable and move around better. I am comfortable with my looks. But the best part is the absence of the daily struggle and self loathing, the absence of that feeling of being out of control. I still have bouts of craving and mild binges, but they are not every day. So when they do happen, I believe they will pass. Sometimes I think that I could have lost the weight much faster, and why did I do it so slow? But actually, I was overweight for many years, so three years of continuous weight loss is not much compared to the years I spent feeling miserable. I also believe this loss is long term, and not a flash in the pan. I am back to my right size.
I know I could do better but I don't push myself. The cardio challenge is my first real push to increase my efforts. I did that for my depression more than for weight loss, but it will work for that as well.
The past week or so I have been contemplating stopping at 155 or 150 and then focusing more on fitness, exercise and toning. I am leery of getting too skinny for me. I have never wanted to be a skinny person. Skinny is not normal for me. I like some padding, frankly. So maybe I am near my goal.
It does not seem real, or possible that I would ever be at a point where I would not think that I need to lose weight. It feels strange. Odd. Even if I am not losing, I will be maintaining, so I will still be food conscious and using the scale. It don't mind, though. This is a lifelong discipline for me, a permanent commitment. Maybe I am better at commitments than I think I am.
Enough musing. Just wanted to stop and think about where I am. I am grateful to all the people I have been blogging with now for a year and a half. It is so amazing. I really love you guys!!
My pattern goes like this from what I can tell. I lose a little chunk, then I go up and down a little around the new weight. Then I stabilize at that weight for a while, then I go on to lose another little chunk. I have to adjust to each little loss, and then move on. Nothing earth shattering. Just my tortoise, lazy girl, meandering along. And then every so often when I need to buy clothes I see what changes have occurred. Right now I am in a gym going phase. I have been doing the cardio for two weeks now. I love it. But that is for now, if I quit it for a while it will be no big deal.
There have been many rewards. I am much more comfortable and move around better. I am comfortable with my looks. But the best part is the absence of the daily struggle and self loathing, the absence of that feeling of being out of control. I still have bouts of craving and mild binges, but they are not every day. So when they do happen, I believe they will pass. Sometimes I think that I could have lost the weight much faster, and why did I do it so slow? But actually, I was overweight for many years, so three years of continuous weight loss is not much compared to the years I spent feeling miserable. I also believe this loss is long term, and not a flash in the pan. I am back to my right size.
I know I could do better but I don't push myself. The cardio challenge is my first real push to increase my efforts. I did that for my depression more than for weight loss, but it will work for that as well.
The past week or so I have been contemplating stopping at 155 or 150 and then focusing more on fitness, exercise and toning. I am leery of getting too skinny for me. I have never wanted to be a skinny person. Skinny is not normal for me. I like some padding, frankly. So maybe I am near my goal.
It does not seem real, or possible that I would ever be at a point where I would not think that I need to lose weight. It feels strange. Odd. Even if I am not losing, I will be maintaining, so I will still be food conscious and using the scale. It don't mind, though. This is a lifelong discipline for me, a permanent commitment. Maybe I am better at commitments than I think I am.
Enough musing. Just wanted to stop and think about where I am. I am grateful to all the people I have been blogging with now for a year and a half. It is so amazing. I really love you guys!!
posted by Cindy at
10:40 PM
5 Comments:
Your attitude seems so healthy! :-) I can't imagine feeling like I'm at a good weight for me...even when I WAS at such a weight, I felt fat. So good for you for actually SEEING YOU.
I agree with Helen, you have a great attitude and are always kind to yourself. You're also a very good writer and a good friend.
Merry Christmas to you, your daughter and your grandson. I'll be thinking of him, especially, as I know this will be a tough time of year for him (and you). Take care...
Cindy - you have been gone a whole week- how are things going????????
What a great post. Inspirational, as usual. Have a Happy New Year.
Now I am really starting to wonder about you - how are things going? Maybe you went off to the cabin in the woods for the holidays and have been busy chopping your own wood for the fireplace. . .
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