Sunday

I love Sundays. Today is no exception. It is noontime. I am cooking and writing and listening to music. I have been to my Sunday morning group. I love going there even though I have to drive pretty far now to get there. I had a prison visit yesterday followed directly with a visit to my friend who lives about a half hour from there. Tonight I take my grandson to see his mother, who is also now in jail. So that's basically two jail/prison visits for me and him in one weekend, spread apart so we can do other things in between. I cannot do anything about the fact that his parents are both in jail. I can be home cooking and singing and dancing and happy, though, today in spite of the grief I have been purging. Maybe I can sing, dance and jump around BECAUSE of the purging of the grief.

I have moved in my recovery from my life. I ate in some respects to avoid men. I took away the eating and some of the fat and the men showed up. I am now moving away from the negative pattern of having relationships with men who really stink at having relationships. I had to have one to be able to see it as clearly as I do today. And all I can say is Wow. I was reading something yesterday with my friend and I had this revelation about healing. See, I knew from therapy a few years back that I kept having the same kind of relationships with the same kind of guys, and I believed I was doing this because for some unknown reason I NEEDED to complete the relationship. What I did not know was that I was looking for HEALING. I had no idea that was the need. No idea. What a relief. I know I can heal. And know I don't have to look for healing anymore in such an insane fashion, by trying to have a successful relationship with an abusive or extremely unavailable person. What an incredible relief. This did not come with out some embarrassing behavior on my part. For example telling the fresh ex that I hate him, never want to see him again and that he is an a-- h--- and a couple of other explicatives. I don't like to do that, but I did. The anger, though was a refreshing change from sucking it up and being nice so I don't rock the boat or make someone else mad. I am not proud of how I did it, though.

So, I have gotten over a big hump. A new horizon. I knew I needed healing. What I did not know was that I was trying to get it in those relationships. So, I don't have to gain weight, cover my body, hide from men, hate and blame myself, and so forth over that mysterious pattern that I repeated all these years. I can move on. Toss it out of my toolkit. And replace it. There are relationships that can help me participate in a healing process. There are activities, readings, and many, many things to do. And there is my new relationship with God. The one that began this Summer. My Summer of Enlightenment. Sheesh, is Summer over yet? I am not sure I can take much more enlightenment.

My weight is staying the same but I feel that I am ready to move there also.

More will be revealed.